Championship Match: Ullr (4-0) vs. Razah (3-1) RAZAH 5-1

[Split Eight]

AOWL Season V, Week 2


SUMMARY OF RULES:

Verses are due
Monday at 11:59 p.m. Western / or Tuesday 2:59 Am Eastern / 7:59AM UK
There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Thursday at 11:59 p.m. Western / or Friday 2:59 Am Eastern / 7:59AM UK. Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.

All competitors must vote on THREE battles and post links/ references in the voting thread.

Read the full rules here! (http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=119848)

TOPIC:
TBA

Good luck
Ullr Razah

[Razah]

Word.

[Split Eight]

https://timedotcom.files.wordpress.com/2014/11/best-100-photos-of-2014-043.jpg?quality=65&strip=color&w=838

[Ullr]

https://timedotcom.files.wordpress.com/2014/11/best-100-photos-of-2014-043.jpg?quality=65&strip=color&w=838

Elle's surrounded in her soundless saturation, set recording
she's drowning in the boundless pads and pages, wet from mourning.

Her whole life in notes, in hopes that she could keep them -
a boulder in her throat at the thought that they might leave her
memories will ever be tethered 'neath inequity
inexorably seeks to stem the stream of destiny
for fear? perhaps she's obsessed with the ascendancy
breathlessly she helplessly seeks shelter in her legacy
to extend her seeds, forever free.

She locks eyes with her reflection, noting her expression
"slightly lowered lips" taking stock is her obsession
crosses into madness with the froth and with depression

change is strange - "Intolerable, completely!" so she remains the same
and follows, all repeating.
As though scripted and rehearsed,
she flips and then reverse.

Back as a child, in a rosy symposium
composed wholly of the throes she beholds it on a podium
a stage for her terror but she loves the reminiscence!
Back when children called her ugly, rage so hot it'd smolder as it glistened

Screaming inside, wroughten, reasonless, blind
believes she's a bride for she's seen it in lies
she seethes as she cries and reads her replies
"I love you Elle, You're sweeter than pie."
Repeats it inside and defeats with a smile
any thought disparaging, as the tears had just dried
Reads the only conversation she'd ever see: in her mind.

[Razah]

We lost our hunger in the longest slumber- Sleep.

Used to fight more, love life more, now we dangle on strings
& the anger I've seen, wait- Does the puppeteer ever see the puppet's tears
I'd cut my strings loose if I could handle the courage
It's your show, you planted the seeds, we just actually flourished
We blossomed & bloomed, besides the light, what we sought was the truth
Thought the strings couldn't be broken but even in darkness we grew
The fear that we had, was replaced by the freedom we have
We used to lie dormant, a slight torment, waiting for the seasons to pass
Used to count sheep, hoping to live all the dreams that I thought
How did we spell pathetic with all the Z's that we caught
No time to grieve for the lost, we're meant for devotion
There's a new gleam in my eye, no strings, time to set it in motion


You see our fire when we're inspired- Awakening.

Feel the fire you feared, we got the force to demolish
Tried to shield us from joy, now we have a sword that we polish
Ready for war, machete's & more- Remove the King from his Kingdom
There's not a metaphor, to describe the feeling of freedom
We're destroying your ego, we hope to be equals
Together we protest, & for the moment it's peaceful
We had but a grain of hope, ambition was lost in the sand
We must have grew thorns, we used to be in the palm of your hands
Before, we were likely to fall- Check the names we write on the wall
That's all the brave souls, willing to lose their life for the cause
& I'm one of many- I could care less if I'm seen as a target
Thought life was set in stone until I found out it was easy to carve it

We're still fighting, still dying- Dreaming

[Woke]

Ullr- I take it this is a mural of dead girl and she's standing amongst the crowd, scared to death (Ironic) and reading the notes from the loved ones. "composed wholly of the throes she beholds it on a podium" didn't like this sentence because it is not grammatically correct. While reading this verse, sometimes I get into your characters and just love it as it comes, this particular verse I was less connected to and this allowed me to be a bit more critical. I also didn't like "breathlessly/helplessly" just didn't sound right in my head. While I liked the concept thoroughly, I can not so it was executed in a clear enough fashion because as a reader I did not receive that exhilarating rush of realization upon finishing the verse. I had to search and discover my own interpretation of the finale, which is not bad and rather awesome in my case... Only I am still unsure of the verses underlying meaning, which leads me to believe, especially after I tried to decipher, that it must not be just I.


Razah - A concept verse. I liked it. End Rhymes were not complex, but at the very least, you killed what you brought forth. I'm not sure whether or not there was a bigger picture then writing or being different, but that is what I took away from it. You wrote about a girl, or person, who was fighting for something, freedom and joy, and in the end did it and thought it was hard but realized it was not. This read like a not so typical splice of freedom verse meets writing about writing verse IMO. But in any case you added flavor and made it less generic and more deep in thought then the a-typical writer can produce.

v/Razah

his verse was just a bit more thought provoking for me. I connected with it on a deeper level then his competitors

[YDK]

Fuuuccckkkkk you both this week gotdammit
Both battles I've read so far have contrasted so much you assholes make it hard to decide.
Razah had the overall better verse, a much smoother/more polished rhyme scheme and flow along with better wording choices BUT it didn't really go with the picture topic very well imo. Maybe I'm just too tired or overlooking something but I fail to see how carving a destiny or war or anything in the verse represent a girl or a wall of notes at all.
Ullr your verse was much more clear as to being on the topic but the flow had its highs and lows seemingly back to back lines. One line would sound perfect and the next was scattered all over lol I loved the imagery in both verses tho honestly so again you bitch waffles make it hard on me.
As much as I want to say ullr should get my vote because he stayed on topic mucb better than razah in a TOPICAL battle, razahs verse was just too polished and well presented for me to do so. If the flow would have been a tad bit cleaner I would have forgiven it and gave U my vote but as it stands I have to vote for razah for the better overall verse.
Keep it up guys

[2tripple0]

I felt similar to the other voters.. ullrs verse struggled grammaticly and some of the vocabulary was offhand misdirected compared to razahs verse... I also found it difficult to understand how either of these verses connected with the topic... but razahs was much more tactically written and the concepts he used were illustrated much better than ullrs verse. I think that he was closer to the topic as well.. both verses were good it was just easy to see that razahs was written more clearly and sounded like a regular verse that would be posted in a league like this... I think if he worked some of his concepts so that they connected with the topic then he would have had a stronger verse.. but still he came with enough to take my vote at least but good luck to both of these writers and keep dropping.

vote- razah

[Inno]

Ullr

Ok so i feel like you went overboard with the first half
Of your verse. Alliteration is cool if done subtly, i feel like
This wasnt subtle lol. No offense man it was dope. But it
Didn't really go anywhere. Tbh if this wasnt your opening
Stanza or half it probably could of been looked over because
The rest of thw piece is outstanding. Cool verse man i enjoyed
The angle you took but i feel like you stumbled enoigh to lose this.

Razah

Opening line does the puppet see the puppeteers tears. Maannnn very slick rhyming
And unlike ullr you set a much better tone for the rest of the piece. I think your diction
Is my fav part of ypur verse. Very creative wording through out making this a much
More interesting piece to read.

Overall

I think ama go with razah only because ullr seems to slip up at the beginning of his piece
Which really hindered the rest of the verse regardless of how good it was written. Razah managed to keep a dope story going with sound mechanics. Enjoyed this battle foreal.

Razah

[UnbornBuddha]

Interesting topic, by the way. Let's see how you guys approached it.

Ullr: I feel you over-saturated your verse this time, also your language wasn't as captivating as it usually is. It felt rushed and not as calculated, but the strength of you as a writer still comes through. I said to you many times before, I feel you are a great writer, but sometimes the way you attack topics does not suit you and could be modified to really be at the level of your writing. I still liked it though, a bit overbearing with the internal dialogue and such, without really exposing anything that speaks on a greater scale.

Razah: On one hand, your writing is very poignant, but on another hand quite simple. Which, I gather is your preferred style, albeit I do like complexity so sometimes your verses don't allure me too much because there is nothing to really learn for me and I'm an eternal student. But, nothing against you as a writer, this are my preferences.; you always have a knack for writing in such way that there is no misstep in what you're conveying. Plus, you didn't overbear your writing as Ullr and the read was smooth. Albeit, many of your verses look alike, so I would suggest adding more creative ways of making each of your verses appear as more distinguished and less homogenous.

Vote: Razah- his writing here was more captivating.

[asylum]

Mgvt razah because i took more from his piece. It felt more complete to me and i liked his mechanics more. Sorry for short vote on tablet.

Ullr your piece was good too but in the end i wasnt sure what was going on, not sure if the notes were real or what they stood for.

[Split Eight]

Felt like Razah did not address the topic whatsoever, while Ullr did. Ullr had fantastic flow but Razah had powerful writing on a line-by-line basis. I couldn't make much sense of Razah's verse, I could not find its connection to the topic or any other conceivable theme tied to it.

Vote Ullr