Contendership: UnbornBuddha (2-2) vs. Asylum (1-2) GODCOMPLEX 4-2

[Split Eight]

AOWL Season V, Week 2


SUMMARY OF RULES:

Verses are due
Monday at 11:59 p.m. Western / or Tuesday 2:59 Am Eastern / 7:59AM UK
There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Thursday at 11:59 p.m. Western / or Friday 2:59 Am Eastern / 7:59AM UK. Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.

All competitors must vote on THREE battles and post links/ references in the voting thread.

Read the full rules here! (http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=119848)

TOPIC:
TBA

Good luck
@UnbornBuddha asylum

[asylum]

i wrote it to this beat.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0SPmMMqNC4o

[UnbornBuddha]

Hey there, it will come.

[Split Eight]

https://timedotcom.files.wordpress.com/2014/11/best-100-photos-of-2014-001.jpg?quality=65&strip=color&w=838

[asylum]

nice bro.

[UnbornBuddha]

Posting in a bit...

[UnbornBuddha]

All this graphic setting is missing are automatic weapons,
Carbon fiber rifles that will implant our message;
Violence is both a stance and contention,
That we vigilantes feel demands concession.
It’s saddening that we resorted to THIS to grab attention
But, my Ukraine brothers are anguished, restless.
And so am I…
I joined the good fight after they kidnaped my stepson;
Doctors of the state came and said he needed to have medicine
So they dragged him to the asylum, where mad men stay.
His manic depression made him a good candidate
For a series of experimentations to alter his symbiotic state
But their true intention was a wicked anatomic aim
They wanted to make him into a catatonic slave,
A brain dead assassin chained to the whims of the magistrate
...Within their midst lies the real symptomatic case.

Since then,
I swore to myself to not let them torture my fellow men.
To uphold this virtue, I had to murder some fellow men,
Friends of the past who worked for foreign intelligence.
The newscasts referred to us as corporate terrorists
But, we were much more.
Businessmen like drug lords are just a symptom of corrupt law
Killing company executives wasn’t in our direct blueprint
We mostly did it to collect funds and get noticed through it.
Our main directive was the data in the computers of the abusive,
Major establishments who claim the luminous mind of Confucius.
Once we got the nuclear codes that will secure our future
We were ready to negotiate with these predator humans
With their secular hubris, ideological spawned molecular tumors;
Cancerous humans metastasizing the nebula’s cruelness.

Holding the world ransom, is this really what we wanted?
To spread oblivion in a socially unconscious planet
Somewhere down the line, we lost sight of our aim
And became part of the same design we disdained;
Extremists who are bent on revenge
Caught in the genocide net,
Lured in by the message of death.
Comrades, I remember when we first met
We were browsing the Darknet
In an anonymous chat room, spouting our jargon
While, our Tor browsers hid our cloud of darkness,
Along with those of the black market.
What’s left of the good in my heart blackens,
As we dispatch several nukes to our foreign targets;
I’m sure my stepson wouldn’t want this
But, my conscious has turned into a stream of bloody content
That plays without a stop the screams of those we slaughtered.
The Nuclear fallout thereafter,
Made our group's name notorious, Hail the “Soulless Martyrs”!
The ushering of a new age is glorious. Euphoria can be morbid,
Depending on how you orbit your gaze—the aura of its portrait.

[asylum]

They stood at attention wearing ancient armor and wooden shields,
some nursing wounds, unsure if they’d ever have a chance to heal.
With blood soaking his hair, the wavering flame flickered and licked the bottle neck,
giving a fiery edge to his message in a bottle sent crashing at the feet of police.
scorching the bottoms of riot shields, leaving burning footprints in their retreat,
while the battered union backers attacked positions sporadically,
hurling rocks the size of fists forward hitting former friends, tragically.
Ivan cradled a man with a rubber bullet embedded inside of his brain,
grabbed his uzi off the pavement, resolving to end the pain.
Sprayed one shot at the clouds to test for a jam, got up and ran,
pellets pelted his jacket and cracked his welding mask’s glasses,
as he ran through burning petrol, choking on burning plastic,
turned towards his targets to furnish his further passage,
and squeezed the trigger at their feet in a line, dancing.
the surge of his friends past him sucked the air from his lungs,
as cordite in the air stung his organs, he choked,
the last words of an anthem he sung hung in their air as he slowed,
fell to the ground and passed off his gun before she spoke..
“Put down your weapons,” echoed through the loud speaker,
reverberating in the chest of a man who’s knees naturally grew weaker,
bullets slapped into his fractured leg, lost a new sneaker,
clutching a less than lethal weapon, he actually proved he’d earned.
Paid by wages of people fighting against politics turned volatile,
facts of no concern when facing a twenty thousand large obstacle,
taking little losses, filling plots with victims of power and greed,
those against the powers that be are never cowards that flee.
Live ammunition’s approved against the opposition,
fuel for future trees that’d grow, trophies from days of attrition,
once proud masses hid behind trashcans from massive waves of led,
they could have forgave them instead, but behaved like were bred.
A product of turmoil and power, their blood boiled and gave them the hour,
as a last gift against taxes that didn’t represent people who were heaven sent,
from benevolent claws into the jaws of the machine.
Few fought, but the scheme continues in every war,
waged against those who never intended to explore.
In times of the past where some slept, we always grow,
to keep unity, in unison towards the future history knows.

[DethStryque]

Can anyone vote here?

[Split Eight]

Can anyone vote here?

Yes, a thoughtful/ justified vote from any party is encouraged.

[Mr. J]

Can anyone vote here?

you wouldn't happen to be "the invincible" would you?

[POET MiNDER]

All this graphic setting is missing are automatic weapons,
Carbon fiber rifles that will implant our message;
Violence is both a stance and contention,
That we vigilantes feel demands concession.
It’s saddening that we resorted to THIS to grab attention
But, my Ukraine brothers are anguished, restless.
And so am I…
I joined the good fight after they kidnaped my stepson;
Doctors of the state came and said he needed to have medicine
So they dragged him to the asylum, where mad men stay.
His manic depression made him a good candidate
For a series of experimentations to alter his symbiotic state
But their true intention was a wicked anatomic aim
They wanted to make him into a catatonic slave,
A brain dead assassin chained to the whims of the magistrate
...Within their midst lies the real symptomatic case.

I liked this. The structure and flow were on point, and the story you set in place was a creative interpretation. Making the view more of a personal cause than a generic political rally. Seems to be going into more of a Sci-Fi route than I'd expect.

Since then,
I swore to myself to not let them torture my fellow men.
To uphold this virtue, I had to murder some fellow men,
Friends of the past who worked for foreign intelligence.
The newscasts referred to us as corporate terrorists
But, we were much more.
Businessmen like drug lords are just a symptom of corrupt law
Killing company executives wasn’t in our direct blueprint
We mostly did it to collect funds and get noticed through it.
Our main directive was the data in the computers of the abusive,
Major establishments who claim the luminous mind of Confucius.
Once we got the nuclear codes that will secure our future
We were ready to negotiate with these predator humans
With their secular hubris, ideological spawned molecular tumors;
Cancerous humans metastasizing the nebula’s cruelness.

That last bit was nasty. I'm not sure how I feel about the nuclear codes and making it a larger scale. I'd have been more into focusing on the smaller scale of things. Not that it was bad. Just what I'd think would be the better way to go.

Holding the world ransom, is this really what we wanted?
To spread oblivion in a socially unconscious planet
Somewhere down the line, we lost sight of our aim
And became part of the same design we disdained;
Extremists who are bent on revenge
Caught in the genocide net,
Lured in by the message of death.
Comrades, I remember when we first met
We were browsing the Darknet
In an anonymous chat room, spouting our jargon
While, our Tor browsers hid our cloud of darkness,
Along with those of the black market.
What’s left of the good in my heart blackens,
As we dispatch several nukes to our foreign targets;

Kind of the same way I felt with the above section. Still keeping a good rhythm with things though.

I’m sure my stepson wouldn’t want this
But, my conscious has turned into a stream of bloody content
That plays without a stop the screams of those we slaughtered.
The Nuclear fallout thereafter,
Made our group's name notorious, Hail the “Soulless Martyrs”!
The ushering of a new age is glorious. Euphoria can be morbid,
Depending on how you orbit your gaze—the aura of its portrait.

Cool end, but I feel it was cut off short? You went back quickly to the more interesting beginning and fast forwarded to "boom we blew up the world".

I didn't hate or love it, but I loved the idea behind it. A solid overall verse. I just feel like you scoped back too much and kind of rushed the second half.

----------------------

asylum

They stood at attention wearing ancient armor and wooden shields,
some nursing wounds, unsure if they’d ever have a chance to heal.
With blood soaking his hair, the wavering flame flickered and licked the bottle neck,
giving a fiery edge to his message in a bottle sent crashing at the feet of police.
scorching the bottoms of riot shields, leaving burning footprints in their retreat,
while the battered union backers attacked positions sporadically,
hurling rocks the size of fists forward hitting former friends, tragically.
Ivan cradled a man with a rubber bullet embedded inside of his brain,
grabbed his uzi off the pavement, resolving to end the pain.
Sprayed one shot at the clouds to test for a jam, got up and ran,

So this is going more where I'd expect. The general thinking that comes from this picture is a battle against the establishment. From a writing standpoint, I liked this so far more than Godcomplex's, but as a creative flex I liked it less. A lot of good wording and some great rhyme schemes. Just not very out of the box.

pellets pelted his jacket and cracked his welding mask’s glasses,
as he ran through burning petrol, choking on burning plastic,
turned towards his targets to furnish his further passage,
and squeezed the trigger at their feet in a line, dancing.
the surge of his friends past him sucked the air from his lungs,
as cordite in the air stung his organs, he choked,
the last words of an anthem he sung hung in their air as he slowed,
fell to the ground and passed off his gun before she spoke..
“Put down your weapons,” echoed through the loud speaker,
reverberating in the chest of a man who’s knees naturally grew weaker,
bullets slapped into his fractured leg, lost a new sneaker,

Still keeping a dope flow. The imagery is definitely there and strong. Happy you are going with a point of view from one member of the fight as opposed to a look over the whole event.

clutching a less than lethal weapon, he actually proved he’d earned.
Paid by wages of people fighting against politics turned volatile,
facts of no concern when facing a twenty thousand large obstacle,
taking little losses, filling plots with victims of power and greed,
those against the powers that be are never cowards that flee.
Live ammunition’s approved against the opposition,
fuel for future trees that’d grow, trophies from days of attrition,
once proud masses hid behind trashcans from massive waves of led,
they could have forgave them instead, but behaved like were bred.
A product of turmoil and power, their blood boiled and gave them the hour,
as a last gift against taxes that didn’t represent people who were heaven sent,
from benevolent claws into the jaws of the machine.
Few fought, but the scheme continues in every war,
waged against those who never intended to explore.
In times of the past where some slept, we always grow,
to keep unity, in unison towards the future history knows.

Now it's going towards the politician? I feel like you jumped a lot. I'm going to have to back and re-read to see if I missed something..

So you're explaining the target, who appears to be a political leader who was speaking to the public before a riot broke out? Okay. I liked it for the most part. I liked how you ended it.

Both came really well, and with different takes. I think Godcomplex had a much more interesting take at first, that teetered off for me. asylum had a solid drop as a whole, while being more predictable. He had the more fluid and interesting rhyme schemes. Props to both but I'd say as a writer asylum flexed a bit more.

MVGT Asylum

[Razah]

UB, felt like you rushed this verse. Not the typical type of verses I see from you. I mean, it was a decent verse I guess, but, nothing too special. Nothing really stood out to me, so that's a bummer.

Asylum had the better take on the topic. There were a few bars where things didn't even rhyme, so it kind of felt like I was just reading an essay out and not a verse. Besides that, I still think you took it.

vAsylum

[YDK]

Hmmm another good battle this week. I'll get it out of the way and say my vote is going g to godcomplex.
Now, as was the case with the other two battles I voted on already I feel this boils down to verse strength against topic use. I feel godcomplex had the better overall verse, the flow was more consistent and didn't feel drug out at any point but did seem a bit short towards the end. I can see this being based on the topic as the "beginning of the revolution" which turns into mucb more; not the approach I would say fit this but believable enough to let it slide. Good shit
Asylum, yours was more directly linked to the topic and actually described the pic quite nicely, where I feel you faultered tho is the strung out flow and spotty rhyme scheme, hell there were a few lines I had to really pronounce the words differently just to force them to rhyme. Other than the flow and couples rhyme mishaps I felt this verse was well written and correlated to the topic nicely, but with godcomplex's stronger schemes and consistency I feel it wasn't quite enough to beat it this week.
Closest battle I've read out of the three imo but I feel gc edged it this time

[Inno]

Godcomplex

Man the story told here was dope. I enjoyed it. First you establish
The reasoning of your character. A much nobler cause to fight for
Than politics right? Give off the right tone for whats to come. The
Progession is amazing, u had a steady pace with great character
Development. I really enjoyed the " had to kill my fellow men" lines.
I dunno its so simple yet so profound. Great stuff there. The twist was
A good one becuase your wrote it good. The detail to the small things
That make a man change. I saw it all here. Very dope verse bro.

Asylum

Best verse ive read from you. Man you got on a roll from the opening line
And kept that flow crisp and flowing. The story was interesting from beginning
To this part.

Paid by wages of people fighting against politics turned volatile,
facts of no concern when facing a twenty thousand large obstacle,
taking little losses, filling plots with victims of power and greed,
those against the powers that be are never cowards that flee.
Live ammunition’s approved against the opposition,
fuel for future trees that’d grow, trophies from days of attrition,
once proud masses hid behind trashcans from massive waves of led,
they could have forgave them instead, but behaved like were bred.
A product of turmoil and power, their blood boiled and gave them the hour,
as a last gift against taxes that didn’t represent people who were heaven sent,
from benevolent claws into the jaws of the machine.
Few fought, but the scheme continues in every war,
waged against those who never intended to explore.
In times of the past where some slept, we always grow,
to keep unity, in unison towards the future histo

Man the imagery before this was onpoint and you had a dope
Story going. But i feel like you lost track here and went off
On a tangent. It wasnt as cohesive as the first half of your piece
Either way man this was a great showing. Thanks for the read

Overall

I got complex taking this. I feel like he was more consistent with what
He presented. Kept it together towards the end while managing to
Produce a dope storyline chalked full of imagery. Dope tbh

[Woke]

Napolean - For starters, it was kind of strange when you said the word asylum, just seemed weird and i felt I should share that. Loved the closing few lines, some powerful writing there. This was a decent verse that matched the provided topic perfectly, so points there. It did however, read a bit shallow. I mean there was no real depth, it was just a story. Sure, this is not bad, but in my eyes it is not good either. You never gave me a connection to either the dead boy or parent characters. Well, you painted me a connection, but I never became attached or emotionally caring for them on metaphysical level. It was just a story to a photo for me. As for the writing itself, I didn't notice any glaring errors. Where are you from? Every verse I read I always come across one-two lines a week and quote them because they don't make sense to me. I then read and re-read that line and surrounding lines and it begins to make sense, but just sounds weird when i say it aloud. I mentioned the negative mostly in this verse, but please don't take it as me saying I didn't like it because I did and believe this is sound writing in the grand scheme of things.


psy - For starters, i did not like how the opening bar was "they" then the third line was "his", also third line didn't rhyme. Someone once told me the opener and closer is where you should spend more time on any lines in the verse because the first and last impression are ultimately the most important. This is something I strive to do each verse out now and that was some very sage advice that i now live by. I believe it was Vulgar, neither here nor there. In the end this verse was very visual and straight forward. You truly wrote a linear story in rhyme (although not the most complex or smoothly executed in that department) and that is tough to do. I always want to write a story as such, but my mind doesn't work like that. I enjoyed the images and thoughts and reasons behind them. Like God, you wrote something that fit the topic perfectly, so points for that. I don't have much in lieu of gripe per say other then the glaring lack of over zealous and calculated flow.


Tough vote for me. You both did things well and both did things not so well. Asylum didn't have the best mechanics or flow but told a story that was visual, easy to follow and just a fun fucking read man. God wrote a story too but showed a stronger grasp on mechanics but left me wanting more in terms of connection or pleasure in the ending for that matter. Going to read again and vote as I see I may very well be the deciding vote....


Didn't like "fellow men" repetition. Also, i take back all I said about connection to character. On this most recent read (my second, lack of time this week for voting) I see what you did. Characters were not the focal point, instead actions and reactions were. Dope.

Psy you had better mechanics then i previously mentioned

However I have to vote for

v/ Goddamnplex

He had the deeper read for my personal tastes, although I loved the linear action filled verse psy provided, I just feel what complex wrote not just in terms of story but as concept as well, I just have to narrowly tip the scale in his favor

SUPER DOPE BATTLE

thank you both

[Split Eight]

Dope battle. Up

[PancakeBrah]

Godcomplex-

"Holding the world ransom, is this really what we wanted?
To spread oblivion in a socially unconscious planet
Somewhere down the line, we lost sight of our aim
And became part of the same design we disdained; "

Best section, well done here.

There were one or two instances of weird grammar but aside from that, a good technical verse. The approach to the topic was straight-forward. You touched on some unique ideas that could've been the basis for the entire verse itself. This verse gave a real feeling of self-resignation. This was highlighted by the last line of the section I quoted, which was my favorite line of the piece. I think going to the nuclear extreme (literally) was a bit out of place. The essence of the topic was the humanity and dullness of revolution, and I think a smaller scope would've honed in on the topic a bit better. A small complaint. This wasn't a HOF level verse but very serviceable and solid. Thanks for the read.

asylum;

"Sprayed one shot at the clouds to test for a jam, got up and ran,
pellets pelted his jacket and cracked his welding mask’s glasses,"

"once proud masses hid behind trashcans from massive waves of led,"

Favorite lines/sections. The first line of the first quote was a nice touch of detail that you don't see too often.

The first line threw me off a bit, with the ancient armor descriptor. Much like your opponent, your take on the topic was straight on. Some of your rhymes were pretty basic, some where nicely complex. Much like your opponent, this wasn't an elite verse but a solidly executed take.


Overall, this was a close call. I think that Godcomplex had a couple more lines that took a deeper examination into the topic itself. The takes were similar, and the verses themselves had some similarity. GC was slightly more thought provoking, I think. Enough to offset some of the extremity I thought was unwarranted in his verse. Good battle, close call.

Godcomplex