Week 8 Contenders: sraL vs. MMLP - (sraL wins)

[Vulgar]

LGPA Season 1: Week 8

sraL MMLP


Check ins: Tuesday (Midnight Eastern time)
Poems Due: Friday (Midnight Eastern time)
Votes due: Sunday (Midnight Eastern time)


Topic:

Choose your topic from the topic thread.

Good luck.

[MMLP]

NOOOOOOOOOOOOO






In

[sral]

Let's go!

[sral]

”Velo”

"Better a living beggar than a buried emperor."
- Jean de La Fontaine


Marital bliss has a knack of existing only when I keep my mouth closed.
That or I’m sleeping,
out-cold enough to not hear her growled moans.
Silence is golden. Sure, if I haven’t spoken.
But the second I dare put my head up for air, I’d better beware.
She’s a wily opponent.
Already prepared for a war of words on all concerned.
To talk to her in a way she begrudges would be changing the subject.
She hates the way I play the game and say nothing;
it makes her rage and I love it.
The scales of injustice paint me as the unassailable culprit.
The odds on me winning look impossibly slim.
She’s not gonna give in.
It’s clear that she wants to hear a response
but the person that’s first to crack will appear to have lost.
I never shift from my precipice
though Kelly’s sitting just feet from my throne in a seat on her own.
For as long as she’s keeping hold of the T.V. remote,
she’s in control.
Seizing the moment, I prefer to snatch it as she turns her back.
What’s the worst that can happen, right?
Wrong.
We’re back to fighting like cat and blind dog soon as the channel I want flashes right off.
Both combatants fire shots
preferring to save their verbal grenades for return once engaged.
Words are a wayward weapon.
Only the brave and reckless would dare spit a sentence with a hair-trigger temper.
She stares with a vengeance.
I wave a white-flag in the form of my waiting right hand.
She takes it right back.
The feel and touch gentile enough to seal her trust.
With a single kiss from her rigid lips,
all is forgiven in the battlefield of love.

http://www.cfmgallery.com/Artwork/Anne-Bachelier/Anne-Bachelier-Artwork/Bachelier-Phantom-Unmasking.jpg


MMLP

[MMLP]

Lmao post then. Got last four lines wrote.

Only writing at work so it'll be Thursday or Friday now

[MMLP]

I’m up in arms
In the presence of love to a girl from my street
I’m young at heart
Still I am free with the world at my feet

The years I’ve spent
With the focal point of my focus
Fearing death
It made me live for the moments

But she got older and started to grow up
Matured with age
Wised up and the one that I loved
Had turned away

http://www.cfmgallery.com/Artwork/Anne-Bachelier/Anne-Bachelier-Artwork/Bachelier-Phantom-Unmasking.jpg

http://images.fineartamerica.com/images/artworkimages/mediumlarge/1/five-senses-of-human-rohit-kumar-vohra.jpg

Now time to concede
The image of her with her smile
Would release
The spirit of my inner child

I felt my existence trapped in her gaze
Now the future is bleak
Look to the road ahead, I amble in pain
I move in defeat

I’ve come to realisation that
I’m not afraid of growing old
But more the fact
I’m afraid of growing old alone

[sral]

*link url goes here* then bruh!

[MMLP]

still don't work!



Update: sorted lol, wish I could make the pics smaller!

Posted sraL

[sral]

Edited one letter in the last line.

Upping for votes!

[Woke]

Lars - In the beginning i thought you were literally explaining the silent treatment as it unfolds, that would have been dope. Still, you captured a fight well and kept my attention while reading. Stylistically you did a good job, mechanically too, but on first glance I really did not enjoy the subject matter. But, I can only say you did well enough with mechanics, flow and pace of story and all that jazz, that I didn't care as much on second read. Overall, this is a well written verse that leaves little room in lieu of critique. Solid writing


Marshall - To make a picture smaller you can drag and drop into google images and all sorts of sizes will pop up. FYI. But I have no problem with how it looks now, more concerned with the writens. Didn't like focal point of focus, see what you are saying but it's a bit redundant in all honesty. I liked the structure you went with, it is fitting in a poetry league, something I can learn from. You executed nicely as well aside from the above mentioned line. You had far less detail then your buddy, though I enjoyed your ending as you were able to bring a story full circle. The only problem is so did your competition and he did with higher degree of difficulty and better execution IMO. I will say I like how you incorporated two pictures because in the beginning she pushed you away or you broke up, essentially breathing life into the first photo, but the second photo wasn't the best representation. You worked with what you had, but didn't get that full execution mark because it didn't fit like a glove you know?

Good battle

v/lars

[UnbornBuddha]

Lars: Decent concept, the tug of war between man and women. Mechanics was solid, but aside from a few lines, I didn't really get too enthralled by the subject material, this time around. It felt kind of stagnant somehow, inspiration wise. Although, the relatability of the concept is apparent, it nevertheless did not really merge with the depth of my being, in terms of how I engaged with it. It was at the surface and upon finishing it, I was like okay, solid but nothing breathtaking. Keep the pen moving, as you say, or more accurately the key board.

MMLP: I guess by your name you really love Eminem, huh? Anyways, I liked this conceptually better than your opponent, although I feel many times you lost focus and went astray into other realms of though. You brought it back, but like another commentator stated your representation of the second picture wasn't the best. I myself did that not too long ago and failed, its hard to really zero in and keep coherency and focus between subject matter. Also, your opponent was more realistic, and I would like to give you the win because I enjoyed the take, but if you executed it much more proficiently you would have taken this.

Vote: sraL

[Split Eight]

Really enjoyed Lars's verse here. Poetic prose. Sounds like you could have been recanting this story in person and it would be delivered the same way, the punctuation/ division of lines helped meter this out perfectly. Subject is almost a bit mundane and played out, but presented playfully. The focus was less on the relationship and more on the wordless battle and how it plays out. Pretty fucking cool shift of perspective, though I can't relate too much (yet).

MMLP had a cool little verse, I think the structure was a nice stab at poeticism. Interesting second topic choice, didnt really work for me. The verse itself was good, slightly shallow. I think it needed a more personal or humanizing element to make it feel fresh

Nice battle but i got Lars

[Vulgar]

Lars - Neatly written with plenty of instances of slickness. It was woven with unconventional rhyme patterns, probably to keep the reader on their toes. I liked the rendition you put forth, but feel as though a strong poem from your opponent would give this one trouble, simply because it's one of those self explanatory, rooted in concrete approaches. Something that can shape shift in the reader's minds/vary voter to voter might be more receptive. Just my topicalist mind set kicking in, lol. Good writing.

MMLP - Some good thoughts in here but there was a lack of propulsion to really get the main idea going full force. I think there were sparks of something, just not fully executed. I think you could be more adventurous/step outside of the structural limitations you decided to use here.

My vote goes to the Brit by the name of Lars.

[Inno]

Lars

Thst ease of writing just spews out in everything you write lol.
This was anothet example of the skill you possess. Great imagery
In this piece tbh. I think thats the biggest thing i got out of this piecd
Personally. You painted a unique tale that frlt honest and natural while
Vividly describing the scenes. Dopeness all around.

Mmlp

Interesting you tried to tie those 2 images. I think thats where you faltered
Because individually each stanza stanza stands alone nicely i just think when put
Together both ideas lack that cohesion to make the transition smooth and beautiful lol
Dope piece though but i feel like lars didnt skip a beat while you did for a quick sec
Giving lars that edge to take this

Vote lars