Week 6: YDK (0-1) vs. Ullr (4-1)-- YDK WINS 5-3

[Split Eight]

AOWL Season V, Week 6


SUMMARY OF RULES:

Verses are due
Monday at 11:59 p.m. Western / or Tuesday 2:59 Am Eastern / 7:59AM UK
There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Thursday at 11:59 p.m. Western / or Friday 2:59 Am Eastern / 7:59AM UK. Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.

All competitors must vote on THREE battles and post links/ references in the voting thread.

Read the full rules here! (http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=119848)

TOPIC:
STORY PROMPT WEEK:
"I knew what I had to do. I had to kill my spouse..."

Good luck!
Ullr YDK

[YDK]

Czech

[Ullr]

One night amid the mist and rain
I arrived to a sight bringing twisted pain
headlights down our drive filled with grit and grain
cobbles crackling under the pressure of tires, my shifter strained
threw it in park and pressed my feet in the soaking grass
I opened the door, it creaked and groaned as I passed
unbeknownst to me that whore wasn't sleeping, she was groping his back
in bed with another, my treads hit a stutter
mouth agape and aghast, I yelled out "YOU MOTHERFUCKER!"
They both reacted, gasping, she grasped for cover, bare ass on the mattress
he went for the window, it smashed as he dashed from my lover
out on the roof he ran, my wife, panting, recovered:

"It's not what it looks like! He's my friend from class!
We were just studying, don't you trust me, Matt?"

I pondered the thought, it filled my head with such wrath
What the fuck's this bitch take me for? She's just some slut that I smashed!
My vision grew red, the rage seethed and exceeded my limits
I grabbed for the banister and grabbed out the lead where I'd hid it
wrapped the cord 'round her neck and squeezed til she was bleeding within,
I pulled harder and tighter til her breathing grew thin
the sound of her whimpers soon receded then dimmed
her saliva on my thumbs, I felt the heat of her chin
her body fell limp - "No more cheating." I grinned.

The next moment, the reality settled -
panic mixed with pain at what my insanity'd peddled.
Why'd I have to kill her? Why'd she have to cheat?
I couldn't understand the motives but I knew I had to leave
I wrapped her body up in sheets that I'd just cleaned up in the week
Threw her in a sack, tossed her with a heave into my Jeep
Slammed the hatch shut and covered her in blankets
in case some pesky cop comes searching, I'll tell him it's for my mother up in Anchorage!
Shifted in gear, nearly put my fist through the 'mirr',
still pissed as I veered as I glanced at her reflection,
my lovely lass now a piece of trash that's tied in sections
All I'm missing's the cake, I was feeling great and sitting celebrating
I didn't even notice the rate at which I'd accelerated
red and blue lights flashing behind, can't hit the brakes, can't face a felon's braces!
The engine roared as I swerved in traffic, dodging between cars
sipping bourbon as I rounded the curve unfastened
the tires started to slip and I heard the clatter
as my bumper hit the median and my face hit the wheel
the last thing I remember seeing was the grey of the steel
as I was tossed through the glass didn't know the dismay I would feel
as my shoulders and cheek slid along the road and ripped away as it peeled
tearing flesh from bone and left me groaning, split and frayed as I reeled
skewered on a tree that my 4x4 had hit, blood sprayed in the field
as I faded from consciousness I saw her laying, revealed
her skin was pale and her face was greying, congealed

I muttered out "I love you..." as I drifted away, my fate had been sealed.

[YDK]

I awaken feeling sick and jaded; throats irritated and raw,
Like I've been screaming in my sleep again, naked; appalled.
My vision won't focus but I notice the brain colored paint on the walls,
50 shades of gray as if I sprayed my pain through the halls.
Enveloping depression suffocating my every word
So I pick up this pen and paper to describe how it hurts.
I have no feeling of worth, no support or ambition,
Just this vision of my life floating by in an instant.
Every time I blink it feels a year has gone by and yet,
I watch the world become a vampire as the dawn dies and resets
But I have no regrets,
Except for the fact that I say this in jest
I could watch the world decay but it wouldn't change any less.
Save for the rest of the people that can live a single day with a smile,
Vile liars that refuse to admit they've succumb to their trials.
I'll be perfectly honest because honestly I'm not perfect,
I simply understand my purpose and I know I'm not worth it.
My husband's the worst, always working to pay for this worthless house,
Why can't he understand that it can never amount
To anything as beautiful as a life renounced?
If only he could here this all straight from my mouth,
Maybe then he'd understand why I must murder my spouse...

That was the last page of my wifes diary written,
And as soon as I closed it I heard the click of a gun, hidden.
My wife stepped out from the hallway she had been hiding in quietly,
With a .38 revolver staring back at me idly.
I finally understood the torture she had been dealing with alone,
But before I could say "I quit" and "I don't care about this home!"
She shot me in the chest and my only sounds were a moan.
She turned the gun on herself as my sight started to blur,
I heard a bang then a thud and I knew what occurred.
I awoke in a hospital feeling sick and jaded; throat irritated and raw,
Like I had been screaming in my sleep again alone, naked, appalled.
And all I could think of was the brain colored paint on the walls

[Split Eight]

up & vote edited here

[Mr. J]

One night amid the mist and rain
I arrived to a sight bringing twisted pain
headlights down our drive filled with grit and grain
cobbles crackling under the pressure of tires, my shifter strained
threw it in park and pressed my feet in the soaking grass
I opened the door, it creaked and groaned as I passed
^^^^
This was NICE! but that ending in the quote could have been cut out
I didn't really like the 'groping' his back doesn't even sound threatening to me
it just seems odd how you build up to the following development to me
like you could have said 'a passion high, she's holding the pipe, smoking the sack'
or something weird like that instead of she was gently groping his back...
& then the dialogue comes & and I'm like uggghhhh...
well that's all I really want to say about your piece because it is worth the read
but to go further into what you did here is quite the feat on your behalf & should be read for this battle
a nice showing by the way...

YDK, it's been awhile since I've seen you drop anything and this was a nice showing
I really enjoy how you mix your words up, you possess this type of grace in your work
it comes across very smooth & nice when you reach your highest points...
at times you struggle & that may be due to rust, therefore it's not a very big deal
you still have that sense of control and your verse comes across very nice...
which I enjoy, you are a different style that came with a different approach
I'm unsure if you dropped last week, but I feel like you will go far if you stick around
nice work here...

v/this is more based on style & approach for me this time around...
I feel that Ullr had a cool verse towards the end of his piece, I enjoyed it...
but that opening sequence just left a bland taste in my mouth & it hurt him there
I really enjoy his previous showings as well, but this seemed to be a step back on his part
his skill is nice but against YDK he just got overpowered by a stronger mechanical verse
I feel YDK came correct with a cool approach to the topic at hand, I thought it was nicely written
he had it's down points but he still had a more complete verse to me...
v/YDK

[2tripple0]

okay this was a good battle you both did real well with the topic and stuck to it throughout your piece however I feel like ullr had a couple of problems with his verse like the part where he said mirr just thought it didn't fit and also his lines didn't seem to connect from line to line whereas ydk did a wonderful job of painting a picture of a mad woman that really spoke for itself... I enjoyed every bit im sure I could go nit pick at either of these verses but hey no ones perfect just thought ydk came with a more thorough verse and deserved to get my vote at least and that's about as much as I can say about this.... so....

vote....ydk

[Frank]

Voting Ullr

Pardon the briefness of this vote. Wouldn't of voted on this - but not mad that I did. Good battle. YDK ends all his verses emphatically. Ullr story telling skills were present and on display, though his mechanics aren't where they need to be to accentuate and magnify his writing. I thought the attention to detail was decent enough, compelling even, and felt up to the minute. I could feel the verse more because of his use of sensory imagery. I felt that YDK didn't fall far from his comfort zone here. Felt like YDK rehashed a familiar verse here.

Voting Ullr

[NYCSPITZ]

I felt YDK started explosively and then trailed off. It meandered a bit. If he kept that same pace, surely he would have claimed victory, but a lot of it came off as glib to me. First rhyme YDK thought of type shit, while it seemed to me the first two bars he really thought about and decided outright would be dope. Overall the peaks of YDK's verse were higher but Ullr came with an iight, cool lil story that kept me engaged a bit and had its enthralling moments. It's close but mvgt ullr.

[UnbornBuddha]

This was a nice battle. Enjoyed both takes.

Ullr, you kind of went the "Kim" route. I thought the reason for the husband's murdering of his wife was kind of cliche and upon the first two lines I already knew where it was heading. Thus, while well-written there were too many platonic ideas floating around in the first stanza. I think after the murder, the writing became more powerful and from there I have no quarrel. A good verse either way.

YDK: The way you approached this was more creative, the first stanza depicted an entry essentially of the woman's diary. I did find it kind of strange that as soon as the man read it she was already ready to commit the deed, seems to coincidental and kind of unlikely. But, the writing was very enjoyable and captivating for me. You had some lines that were really nicely well-written and made me become engorged in the writing. It was nice.

Vote: YDK

[Diablo]

ULLR: I think you did pretty well here, it wasn't you at your absolute best, but still a very good showing.

I agree almost with whoever said you almost went the Kim route, that's what I was reminded of while reading too. The thing I love best in your verses is your imagery, you have a real knack for a turn of phrase and pairing the picture well to give the reader a great visual image of the scene in your mind. It's awesome.

So much potential in you too which is exciting to see. It's good to have you on board here!

YDK: The shades of grey/grey matter on the wall shit at the start of yours had me hooked. Really clever. The end rhymes at times felt a little unnatural and convoluted to me, which against an opponent like ULLR get brought to the forefront a bit more because of his tight knit writing.

I think you did well here. I agree with Frank saying you do have a tendency toward ending on empathetic verses and I've noticed that myself also. Still, you made this close, and the votes reflect just how neck and neck you guys were this outing. The deciding factor for me here was the slightly more polished verse schematically and mechanically, from a topical standpoint. That verse to me was ULLR's. Everything else was pretty much a deadheat between the two of you I could have slid a rizla paper between!

Close contest here fellas!

[Woke]

No time this week, will be a shorter vote, I apologize, but life happens.

This was a very fun battle, I enjoyed each story for various reasons. Felt Ul had the easier flow and tried to hide it by incorporating more rhymes per bar, but still, the multies were lacking. Ullr had the better imagery IMO, but that closer from YDK and the blood soaked walls was pretty vivid and awesome itself. "My only sounds were a moan" is not correct, either your sounds were moans, or the only sound "was a" moan, if that makes sense. Simple error. Writing a story line verse has always been difficult for me, so when I come across ones I enjoy i may enjoy them more then the next guy. With that said, this was a fairly close bout, but i have to

V/YDK

While both closer were dope, I loved the face being peeled and glass shattering, basically any morbid and twisted visual is pretty sweet, I liked the twist from YDK. So while all things were essentially awash, his twist put him over the top

[timeless]

Ullr, first verse was solid, thought the first few lines and the last bar was forced rhyme-wise. Second verse solid, instant reminder of classic em with guilty conscience. The Anchorage bar seemed really forced. As I veered as I glanced was bad. The ending was okay nothing too exciting was expecting more to happen , I enjoyed the rhyne scheme u had in the last 8 lines. Overall you have great flashes, just have to learn how to weed out the filler and bring the hammers.

Ydk, opening 4 were dope, vampire line was cool. Second to last line seemed forced as fuck. Other than that, I enjoyed this. The switch up of perspectives was kind of bland in the transition process.

Ydk has the upper hand here imo, I feel ULLR had a more rounded piece, but there was just too much filler bars that made the piece drag on. Ydk was more polished lyrically in every way ullr is not. Decent battle though

Vote ydk

[Split Eight]

Ydk wins