Week 6: POET MiNDER (0-0) vs. Timeless (0-2)-- TIMELESS WINS 6-1

[Split Eight]

AOWL Season V, Week 6


SUMMARY OF RULES:

Verses are due
Monday at 11:59 p.m. Western / or Tuesday 2:59 Am Eastern / 7:59AM UK
There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Thursday at 11:59 p.m. Western / or Friday 2:59 Am Eastern / 7:59AM UK. Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.

All competitors must vote on THREE battles and post links/ references in the voting thread.

Read the full rules here! (http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=119848)

TOPIC:
STORY PROMPT WEEK:
"Disgraced by every scientific journal and media outlet, I realized my neighbor Gustavo desperately needed to convince someone. And it happened that that someone was me..."

Good luck!
POET MiNDER timeless

[timeless]

20-30 lines good?

Good luck

[timeless]

Dawn carries the sun's beauty over the horizon,
faster than when our eyes met, scolding the more we tied them.
Nerves alarmed like sirens, prying at my senses with force.
Trying to repent my course of actions and begin mending my core.
Sent from the morgue, my body represents two classes.
A peaceful being, and an ego left for dead and proved fascist.
Mind that moved masses masterfully, but she blew past it.
Had me unraveled as if Clay had removed the Cashius.
Gus entered the room with a letter that proved,
that in order for us to live we must measure our moods.
Take pleasure and soothe a better version of life.
If man could be immortal, why not lessen the fight?
We could all live worry-free, thankful and full of courtesy.
Smoke a pound to the head and it wouldn't even hurt to breathe.
Yet this evil lurks in me, hurts to see daylight smothered by clouds.
When the light pokes through, we'll know we're not under the ground.
Alive and well, living fantastic. Waiting on tomorrow's sentiments,
Been alive a thousand years, skin baked tight like kettle chips.
Only took the mind of one man to simply live as a fool.
To warp our oval minds out like a kidney swimming pool.

[POET MiNDER]

"Disgraced by every scientific journal and media outlet,
I realized my neighbor Gustavo desperately needed to convince someone.
And it happened that that someone was me..."

Sun rises. I need some glaze for shade, make the water bubble..
Fun prizes for thought when stays are made by A8. The plotters troubled..
A Ph. D. from MIT. He got some Afghan in the same classroom..
So he was always laughed at, claim after claim gets passed. Doomed..
But I'm a road scholar, too. Made million dollar ideas in Aisle 5..
Wallet full of owed dollars. Could use a crazy theory. Been awhile guy..
Gustavo crushes my Campell's can,
THIS SHIT WILL TURN YOUR BRAIN TO SOUP!
Such a dismantled man. He's got nothing to gain or lose..
Starts pacing back and forth. Talking about Monsanto. How the end is near..
Saying they pack my pork, chicken, everything with poison. A blend of fear..
Can't comprehend what's clear. We'll take anything they tell us to..
It's cheap and taste okay. Maybe he's right. Maybe.. The spell is true..
Or maybe I'm just really baked, 'cause this talk is making me hungry..
Ask if he wants some chicken nuggets. Oh, now he's shaking and clumsy..
Calm down bro, take a seat and take another hit. It's just a thought..
I'd rather die from poison than starvation anyway. Don't fucking bust a clot..
He kicks his feet up, still huffing about. Starts playing Nazi Zombies to prep..
"You'll regret not taking this serious".. "We'll all be mindless and calmly step"
Right dude, then martians will beam us up to farm asteroids, collecting nest..
A knock on the door? Let me peep through the glass first, not expecting guest..

Great, Carol from A4 is sleep walking again. Such an interesting mess...

[Split Eight]

up & vote edited here,

[Mr. J]

I've read both of these verses & everything else so far...
but this is deserving of BOTW tbh, both of you have the same attack
the vision that you provide for the story is a driving force here...

Timeless, first off it's nice to see how much you improved most recently
seeing your ability to switch up from your 2nd week verse is cool to watch
at least I think it was the 2nd week either way this verse is smooth as hell

Sent from the morgue, my body represents two classes.
A peaceful being, and an ego left for dead and proved fascist.
Mind that moved masses masterfully, but she blew past it.
Had me unraveled as if Clay had removed the Cashius.
^^^^
although I thought the end of that section was weird..
I don't understand the use of that witty section but I loved how it started
but that last sentence left me scratching my head for a moment

Gus entered the room with a letter that proved,
that in order for us to live we must measure our moods.
Take pleasure and soothe a better version of life.
If man could be immortal, why not lessen the fight?
We could all live worry-free, thankful and full of courtesy.
Smoke a pound to the head and it wouldn't even hurt to breathe.
^^^^
that ending came smooth but I don't like the 'lessen the fight' section..
something about it is weird, & then the other 'measure our moods' line
I feel like you could have used a more creative approach with that..
otherwise I felt like you had a cool little verse here, it's not your best
but you had such smooth transitioning throughout this it came across cool

Poet M, this is the first I've read from you and it has been quite a showing
I really like how your piece ends but some of it seems tough to distinguish between your characters
your piece is weaved together nicely but some parts I could do without I feel like it's too much build up to add to a story

But I'm a road scholar, too. Made million dollar ideas in Aisle 5..
Wallet full of owed dollars. Could use a crazy theory. Been awhile guy..
Gustavo crushes my Campell's can,
THIS SHIT WILL TURN YOUR BRAIN TO SOUP!
Such a dismantled man. He's got nothing to gain or lose..
^^^^
I enjoyed how you opened this section up, I really enjoyed it...
that is until I got to Gustavo crushing your soup & all that..
is the narrator thinking THIS SHIT as you utter that in your mind
or is that Gustavo telling you that, I would have used these...""...
use the letters in bold to separate the moment a little..ya know?

Starts pacing back and forth. Talking about Monsanto. How the end is near..
Saying they pack my pork, chicken, everything with poison. A blend of fear..
Can't comprehend what's clear. We'll take anything they tell us to..
It's cheap and taste okay. Maybe he's right. Maybe.. The spell is true..
Or maybe I'm just really baked, 'cause this talk is making me hungry..
Ask if he wants some chicken nuggets. Oh, now he's shaking and clumsy..
^^^^
I thought that first section was a cool use of your flow & worked well for you
then the following section was a nice reflective point of the character...whoever he may be
and then we reach this last section where it all starts to make sense
yet I remain confused on who is being referenced when you go 'Oh, now he's shaking & clumsy'
that observation seems off putting to me, because it just sounds weird
and then the follow up ....
I don't know this is cool but I feel like you may have been drunk while writing this
no offense...lol...but you wobble in & wobble out you left me in a daze towards the end
especially when the conversation supposedly started...
idk lol...a little editing would help but I loved how the flow popped off
the string of words used up until 'clumsy'

v/I'm going to have to go with timeless, I felt he delivered a verse that came across ideal
as for his opponent I understand what he was going for throughout his verse...but I felt confused reading it
I felt had he done some editing on his behalf he would have had my full support
but it felt like it was rushed at a moments notice, timeless may have had time to edit
or it may seem it comes more natural but the verse had it's ups and downs as well
but he had a better developed presentation in my eyes...v for timeless

[2tripple0]

hmm reading that vote im a bit confused who I should vote for but I felt like timeless had a few quotables in his verse and definitely wrote a killer verse.... there were plenty of lines in there that I really enjoyed and you seemed to hold your verse together pretty easily.... whereas poet m was a bit difficult to read through I don't think he used enough knowledge in his verse and me personally im not one for punctuation marks and grammer and all that but your verse was a bit messy..... I thought timeless told a story with plenty of good humour and dope concepts... that made the verse for me......so vote....


vote.........Timeless

[sral]

Tough match up to call here for me personally.

Poet Minder almost reminds me of Dicinyaeye of old, in a few instances. Real good with his crisp wording and writers voice powering things forward, almost like a kaleidoscope of different ideas going off at once. Brainfood I like to call it as it makes you THINK!

This was real nice IMHO:


Gustavo crushes my Campell's can,
THIS SHIT WILL TURN YOUR BRAIN TO SOUP!

Simple, yet superbly effective. I thought this was genuinely enjoyable and I hope you stick around for the long haul.

Timeless: You've definitely improved from our match at PR, your creativity and almost off-the-wall qualities when penning a verse are a huge strength of yours. No one can ever question your creative side, you always bring an out the box take or twist to whatever topic. This was no different. Baked tight like kettle chips stood out to me for some reason LOL I liked that line. Your styles maybe a little more battle orientated at times that the topical realm is used to, but you mix it up well.

Two solid showings here, not dissimilar in style at all actually so this made for a close fought contest. There was no real blowout like the votes so far suggest but I am going with timeless here, purely on the strength of me being entertained slightly more by his drop. Great showing by Poet Minder here though and so much potential there. Hopefully you stay with us some time and hone those skills bruh!

[Frank]

Timeless.
I meandered through this excerpt with little reaction. I merely grazed on the food for thought you offered up. Was not nearly "convinced" - Nor satisfied. I did enjoy the baked chip line - neat little tidbit. Giving this a D+. It barely passes on adequacy. Write with more coherency and purpose. Save your scribble.

Poet Minded.
I think you described it best when you referred to your submission as an interesting mess. Couldn't tell you what I just skimmed over. It wasn't because I was skimming either. Your style of writing is simply 'skimmable'. Head back to the drawing board,

Vote to Timeless

[UnbornBuddha]

Lol at some of this comments.

Timeless writing felt a bit more bland than Poet's. Albeit, Poet's was comical and rooted in quasi-truths, alarmist viewpoints focused on the perils of scientific curiosity.

Yet, Timeless had the more enjoyable take on the topic, immortality and experimentation and so on. I find such realm of thought fascinating and thus I genuinely enjoyed more the subject and the writing if I'm interested. It could have been utilized more, but it was sufficient to score the win. Although Poet writing voice was more provocative, if he had written on another more interesting subject, I think he could have taken this. Although, Timeless still has the stronger mechanics.

Vote: Timeless

[PancakeBrah]

Okay battle. timeless had a better take on the topic, with a clear resolution whereas Poet kind of meandered and ended on weird note. I thought the writing was about equal, maybe a slight edge to timeless but probably equal. So, pretty cut and dry vote. Timeless due to approach and (maybe) level of writing.

v/Timeless

[Woke]

Disclaimer: I apologize I do not have much time to vote so it will be much more brief then usual. Life happens

Time wrote about eternal life and and how bad it could go I guess, a bit tough to follow because it needs more meat to it in order to explain fully. Decent verse although I didn't get how unraveling is akin to Cashius Clay omitting his first name? That sort of irked me because it didn't make sense to me at all, just rhymed. Poet wrote of a scenario and ensuing conversation about a pair of scientists talking about how polluted today's food is. This is actually an interesting topic to me because I know exactly who Monsanto is and what they do, this is shit I read about when ever I can, pretty much anything to help me gain knowledge in life in all honesty. The flow was a tad choppy though, example: Zombies to prep//Calmly step. Not complex enough of a scheme as it a simple syllable, which is fine, but the syllable count was still off and slightly hindered the flow. I did however like the verse even if you did not go into detail at all about where the scientists are. The shortness of the verse killed the build up where if you ended with some sort of twist saying where they are, lab rats, studying for the gov. anything, instead of just starting in a8, their room.


Anyways I got Poet Minder here

I simply connected with his on a higher level. While I did see what timeless did, writing from the perspective of a mummy (I read the verse again) thought that was witty, but again, tough for me to vote against someone who wrote a subject in which I love reading about freely.