Contendership: Timeless (1-2) vs. Clutbuck (1-0) CLUTBUCK 2-1

[Split Eight]

AOWL Season V, Week 7


SUMMARY OF RULES:

Verses are due
Monday at 11:59 p.m. Western / or Tuesday 2:59 Am Eastern / 7:59AM UK
There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Thursday at 11:59 p.m. Western / or Friday 2:59 Am Eastern / 7:59AM UK. Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.

All competitors must vote on THREE battles and post links/ references in the voting thread.

Read the full rules here! (http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=119848)

TOPIC:

To be edited

Good luck!
timeless
Clutbuck

[timeless]

Yup yup. 20-30 cool?

[sral]

I just write until I'm finished.


EDIT: How/when do we know the topic?

[Split Eight]

http://www.dailynewsmag.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/Thought-Provoking-Photography-by-Lara-Zankoul-3.jpg

[Clutbuck]

http://www.dailynewsmag.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/03/Thought-Provoking-Photography-by-Lara-Zankoul-3.jpg




Under the deep sea she delves and she plummets -
A mere-woman by species, though she's anything but it.
Her face a delicate sculpting of ivory marble
while here tails an elegant flourish that shines as it sparkles.
She glides through a garble of gulfweed at the bed of the Lunar Sea
hiding from Narwals with a false sense of security.
At these depths she had used to feel safely assured
yet a desperate unsurety now played on her thoughts.
Her great metamorphosis meant she'd nowhere left to stay
she couldn't wade in these waters having outgrown her present state.
She feels disowned with every wave gathering speed
but can no longer sustain the life she had in the sea.
It hankers her breathing, fish scales flake from her skin,
where adulthood seems to have replaced them with limbs.
She flails and she kicks, but there's no movement ahead,
She's unable to swim having not got used to her legs.
Her heart booms in her chest as she's filled with utter despair
knowing its do it or death if she doesn't come up for air.
Her lungs have then barely any oxygen too,
but with a final push she's aware of what she must do.
Her bodily movements help to aid her surges
keeping constant and smooth until she breaks the surface.
The weight disperses from her shoulders as her lungs expand,
and with her newfound gait and purpose the youngster laughs.
The current laps for the first time at the webs on her feet
- her sullen past sunk at last by the great depths of the sea...

[Clutbuck]

timeless

[timeless]

I need an extension. No time to write tonight.

[Clutbuck]

not sure when exactly these are due but the mods have given a site wide 24hr ext so you're good!

match me yo!

[timeless]

Awesome. Will do my dude sry for holdup.

[timeless]

Mirror, mirror on this miserable wall...
Who's wishing to fall without listening at all?
Step for step we're caught in hollow bear traps.
Less and less we fought to follow snare claps,
So instead we stared back and upped the destruction.
Hoping to make it, we raked in followers who loved our production.
We tore the city down, infinitely bound to the outskirts.
Simply we found that lightning strikes when a cloud bursts.
Motivation for dummies : Get the fuck up off your ass!
Get out in the world, stop putting your love lost in the past.
Tomorrow, a new border war's tsunami will cross lines in each state.
Future is now, unfold your origami-boxed mind for a keeps sake.
Or... You can drown with ease with the sounds of peace.
Tit for tat we're shattered, laughter impounds our dreams.
It all matters when you're lost, at the cost of life to many.
No one can see it coming, running off, no end in sight aplenty.
Depression is a cue stick for the asleep and ruthless minds.
It lessens the school kids into some weak and bruise-kept times.
Yet we all grow, the skies open without any fault though.
Death by auto discrimination, nation found on crossroads.
Pipelines and grapevines, word travels of death with ease,
No longer accept diseases of the mind. Instead I breathe.
At best I keep peace with my motivation 'til its bone dry.
Unless I retreat to the roads I've taken when I called home mine.
Glued to the accused, a shoe-in for purposeless abuse.
Now it's time to choose, to drown or resurface with your roots.

[Split Eight]

Up

[Mr. J]

This was a cool piece ClutsraL...I thought you provided a well thought out landscape
preparing the reader for a 20,000 leagues under the sea type of expedition, I like it
although at moments you came across a little off putting with the way you progressed writing
I feel like this could have used a little looking over & made more effective on your behalf

She glides through a garble of gulfweed at the bed of the Lunar Sea
hiding from Narwals with a false sense of security.
At these depths she had used to feel safely assured
yet a desperate unsurety now played on her thoughts.
Her great metamorphosis meant she'd nowhere left to stay

^^^
I thought that effected you the most, I was caught in a training course from here
my thoughts had become an attic that had experienced an earthquake, I'm off-guard..
I stumble as we progress and I think it was about 'a garble of gulfweed' I felt tossed adrift
the use of Narwhals had caught me off guard as well, you present a great concept
but you stumble upon these moments & unsurety...well that was an ill used idea as well
yet you held me on towards the end & that's what made this enjoyable to me..
nice work on picking it back up towards the end...


Timeless, I can tell by that opening I'm going to hate your piece..
I feel betrayed when I started reading it & was like why would he open like this
and maybe that was your starting point & you liked it and just left it...
regardless as I progress into your piece, it gets better (for the love of god)

Step for step we're caught in hollow bear traps.
Less and less we fought to follow snare claps,
So instead we stared back and upped the destruction.
Hoping to make it, we raked in followers who loved our production.
We tore the city down, infinitely bound to the outskirts.
Simply we found that lightning strikes when a cloud bursts.
^^^^
I thought the way you painted the scenery with your words was dope
that really added some umph to your piece, you know what I mean?
not sure if I really enjoyed how you ended that section but it was cool
I enjoyed this regardless...

Tomorrow, a new border war's tsunami will cross lines in each state.
Future is now, unfold your origami-boxed mind for a keeps sake.
Or... You can drown with ease with the sounds of peace.
Tit for tat we're shattered, laughter impounds our dreams.
It all matters when you're lost, at the cost of life to many.
No one can see it coming, running off, no end in sight aplenty.
^^^
The imagery here was dope, the transitioning was kind of off but no matter
you really rack up some points here for playing with the concepts you had
they your progression as a writer, but I didn't really enjoy that closing section
'sight aplenty' just sounds weird as you read it and I don't think it worked how you liked..
or how I would have liked...regardless nice work...



v/this is tough choice due to both coming out the gate punching
I feel like ClutsraL brought a more focused piece as opposed to timeless
although timeless didn't lack, I see he took the ext. so this was impressive
it's a daunting task to come with something on the fly when you get a topic let
get minimal hours to write, you really shine here...nice work...
your opponent on the other hand came with a much stronger piece...
therefore v...Clutbuck

[2tripple0]

okay aye this was definitely the better of the two battles that people showed in this week. I liked the approach of both writers and thought you both had dope ideas and content inside your verse. the thing is I think clutterbuck was a bit vague with his meaning of this girl or something that had an illustrious life or whatever and it was good and followed the theme or whatever but for me I just felt it wasn't very in depth and clutterbuck didn't make enough meaning into her life and what she was supposed to be interacting with in his story.... whereas I enjoyed timeless verse more probably because of the style he used it felt a lot more philosophical and idealogical because he used reason and ideas to scope out his idea also if felt like you could tell a lot of thought and time went into his verse I loved some of the lines even though some of it felt a bit played but regardless it was more metaphoric and well though out throughout his piece and therefore in the end ive got to give the v to timeless...


vote////timeless

[Nigma]

Buckclut, sweet opener. Ivory marble/shines as it sparkles was leigh jit. Mechanically, I loved your use of slant rhymes in the transitions. Strong, unique end rhymes as well. Vocab and wording was elegant. WHAT you described was as impressive of how you described it. The bit about her not being used to her legs was delicious. Fitting closer as well. Very nice execution in this verse that paired the picture start to finish. No complaints.

Timeless, attention grabbing opening sequence. First line had good draw and the following 2 bars moved forward with interesting imagery. Mechanically this verse was on point and had close to the same polish as your competitor. There were a few times your wording through me off, the bruise-kept times bit stands out as an example but there were one or two other scenarios. Aside from that, the only complaint I had was that I didn't see the topic picture in your verse as much as I did you opponents.


Both came correct with enjoyable reads however I edge Lars in terms of nailing the topic and providing a more consistently enjoyable verse.

+1 Clutbuck