Week 10 Contenders: sraL vs. Destroyer- OPEN FOR VOTES

[Vulgar]

LGPA Season 1: Week 10

sraL Destroyer

Check ins: Tuesday (Midnight Eastern time)
Poems Due: Friday (Midnight Eastern time)
Votes due: Sunday (Midnight Eastern time)


Topic:

Week 10 Topic (http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?p=527077#post527077)


Good luck.

[Destroyer]

oh it's on now, guvnah!

[sral]

In it to kill it!

[sral]

MURRICA!



Land of the free, home of the brave.
Yet built with the hands and obedience of those they enslaved.
They've broken their chains but freedom isn't yet in their reach.
The premise of peace
still relatively just an American Dream.
Each new presidency sees economised truths and promised lies.
As dollar signs cross their eyes as they rob you blind.
False flags at full mast.
Columbine homicides on the rise
served up with a wanton side of McDonalds fries.
Stock 'em high, sell 'em cheap,
watch 'em buy every piece.
Consumerisms the new religion for many sheep out getting fleeced.
A city that never sleeps, by nature, doesn't tend to dream.
Rest in peace Martin Luther and all those sent to Iraq for nothing
after pressing the panic button
while their own Weapons of Mass Consumption sat getting too fat to function.
Added cushion for the act of pushing - now that's McLovin.
This Obama nation's an abomination lacking substance
fast becoming a corporate entity
falling for anything as they stand for nothing.
I'm passed discussion with those delinquents with Homer Simpson modes of thinking
we're shown the ignorance in their own opinions.

No forgiveness.

[Destroyer]

god save the queen
as if god would care
for those among us who gleam
with powder in their hair
who always take the tea
and head to drink upstairs
who try not to eat meat
when sitting on leather chairs
staying rich and calloused
while laying in a palace
and speaking high and mighty
when they'd be German without US

god save the queen
and forgive us all her sins
and never ever mention
Neville Chamberlain
cause appeasement and what peace meant
never made sense
at least not to him
and when the bombs start falling,
we hear the moms start calling
for the children to come in.
but it's not our fault, so just sing

god save the queen...

[Vulgar]

sraL - Honestly, if I was going to go into a time capsule and find out what verse you were going to submit for this this week, it'd probably be similar to this one. Compact, rhyme-heavy and American (murica!) this encapsulated what I'd expect. A little predictable in terms of the sentiment towards American consumerism and culture, an approach that's tough to hit in an original way. The rhyme schemes were good which assisted you in your case. I do, however, think this was a bit of a blank casing - the bullet didn't really go anywhere, though it hit the prototypical target. A non-rhyming poem about some angle of American culture rarely touched upon would've been awesome. ;) But good writing and attempt at the topic.

Destroyer - The "they'd be German without US" part was funny, so I'd have to say it was the highlight of the battle. Lars came with solid mechanics and rhythm while you excelled at humor and flirted with the possibility of a stellar rhyme scheme. Nothing eye popping here, steadily paced and also, like Lars' take, a bit expected. I'm looking forward to seeing you both step outside of the box eventually, take some big risks. (Calculated risks when it really matters, like a champ match, but you catch my drift).

Vote - sraL

He had a stronger grip and executed just a bit more thorough, but it was an equal match in terms of strengths and weaknesses.

[Frank]

MVGT RSAL

lop sided, land slided, total blow out. I got no reason to sugar coat this or conjure up an excuse on destroyers behalf. I am not going to bullshit either competitor. Clear cut winner here.

USA!USA!USA!USA!USA!USA

[Inno]

Enjoyed destroyers take. Though compared to his opponents
Efforts I feel he fell short. I dont i feel like des writes these last minute?
I dunno tho seems like it. Des what you lack is depth man. Get them feels out bro

Vote sral

Feel like he presented a more complete piece with layer for me to peal.

[Sn00p]

As dollar signs cross their eyes as they rob you blind.
^"as ... as" threw me off. 1st one shoulda been "and" or smth
False flags at full mast.
^woooo. dope
Columbine homicides on the rise
^nice
served up with a wanton side of McDonalds fries.
^good follow up
A city that never sleeps, by nature, doesn't tend to dream.
^this is too literal imo. u spell it out so hard. try to allude instead of blatantly spelling out imo
while their own Weapons of Mass Consumption sat getting too fat to function.
^mass destruction wp is rlly played out imo
This Obama nation's an abomination lacking substance
^kanye did it, and i think a txtcee did before him too
falling for anything as they stand for nothing.
^cool
I'm passed discussion with those delinquents with Homer Simpson modes of thinking
^*past. cool otherwise

rhyme scheme was dope. but u were too literal at times here. imho, poetic writing is most effective when vague or cryptic. when u have to think about it to get it. when sometimes, u don't even get it, becuz there's nothing to get in the 1st place, just a potential for meaning. idk if this makes sense. but yea. this was cool; i enjoyed it. but it could've been better. more poetic. false flags was dooope tho. that was a perfect example of a good allusion w/o spelling it out too.



god save the queen
as if god would care
for those among us who gleam
with powder in their hair
^feels kinda longwinded. could've said the same in two lines i think
who always take the tea
and head to drink upstairs
who try not to eat meat
when sitting on leather chairs
^if u're talking about hypocrisy w/ the no meat, but leather, that kinda works. the taking the tea part kinda works too, cuz it paints the image of very reserved ppl, but again, this doesn't feel laden w/ meaning. good poems can compress a lot of meaning into very few words. these words feel kinda meaningless.
staying rich and calloused
while laying in a palace
and speaking high and mighty
when they'd be German without US
^lol okay
god save the queen
and forgive us all her sins
and never ever mention
Neville Chamberlain
^okay
cause appeasement and what peace meant
^cool
never made sense
at least not to him
^the 2nd line feels tacked on. this could be more concise and would be more powerful then. it kinda feels like u kept adding things a u kept going. which makes it more rambling than poetic
and when the bombs start falling,
we hear the moms start calling
^lazy rhyme
for the children to come in.
^again, these 3 could've been 2 lines easy
but it's not our fault, so just sing

god save the queen...
^good ending

simpler piece w/ regards to rhyme. "never ever mention neville" was niiice assonance tho. liked that. my biggest concern w/ this was that it always felt like u wrote a line in a vacuum, then added the next, and so on and so on. it's always "this happens / and then this happens / and this happens too". and that doesn't rlly feel cohesive or concise. still, u had some nice parts, but this could rly profit from u tryna be more concise and try to say more w/ less words.

i think i liked lars's more. he had the better standout lines and the better rhymes. both had nice parts parts. so props yall. but also, both could'a done more imo. cf above

v/sral