Wek 8: 2Tripple0 2-4 vs. Timeless 1-2 [Timeless 5-0]

[Adonis]

AOWL Season V, Week 10


SUMMARY OF RULES:

Verses are due
Tuesday at 9 p.m. Pacific/West Coast or Tuesday 11:59 PM Eastern / 6:00 AM Wednesday Central European/London
There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Friday at 4:00 p.m. Western / or Friday 7:00 PM Eastern / 1:00 AM Saturday Central European/London Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.

All competitors must vote on THREE battles and post links/ references in the voting thread.

Read the full rules here! (http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=119848)

TOPIC:


Vengeful bliss

Good luck!


2tripple0 timeless

[timeless]

Lol ok

[2tripple0]

whats so humerous fella?

[2tripple0]

Vengeful Bliss

yo I used to hate this cat when I grew up
he would hustle me from my money and stuff
he used to be real fair when it came to loot
but because I was broke I thought it wasn't dope
so although we were good friends I thought I could count on him
but then I watched him go to the gym and realized there was more to it
because my pops intervened and I got thrown out in the street
all because of this asshole even though it wasn't out of deceit
I think my friend broke his legs when he went skiing one time
and now hes gotta sit in a wheelchair the rest of his life
then I signed online and started to rap and shit
but nothing ever changed I was still fucking pissed
I don't know if its my fault but then one day I met my baby
and my life turned around but im unsure why I must just be crazy
nobody knew what caused the pain as if it was stone henge
I tried screwing in the bolts and nuts with my wrench
but still couldn't consider why I was filled with so much hate
it was as if someone was eating off my plate
and im not from the golden state but I am a warrior
drifing down the river as life became older I became wiser
I don't know why but now I feel like im living in a utopia
my life has been transformed so I prey to the santa maria
and hopefully life will continue on this path paved with gold
but everytime I lose I feel like a piece of my life has been sold
so I get on forums like netcees but I prefer it when I don't lose
cause half the site never even chatted with me and still think I suck
don't care though they say things like oh how my lines don't rhyme
but ive learned not to blame and to tell the truth I despise half the site
guess that its gotta go back to life like reality slapped me in the face
I didn't realize how good I was because u thought I was a waste of space


30.........all experience

[timeless]

Mankind set a record in history for a robbery! :
Capitalistic lottery as soon as food reached lock and key.
Every man for themselves in this cradle that rocks to sleep.
We all stop and breathe just to end up lost and wishing,
That we all survive the struggle with more pots to piss in.
God bless this mess. Prophets regress and the evil grow strong.
Plot less as stress piles and debt will always flow on.
Please, stop and see your fellow neighbors struggle to live.
Men with no guidance end up broke and start hustling bricks.
We all roll on like the speed of leaves rustling in wind,
Hoping for a chance to see tomorrow and I shutter to think :
How long we'll still be here on Earth wandering aimlessly.
But I can't spend my life with thoughts pondering gracefully...

...Here in town, you either have it made or a padded grave.
Strapped for cash for days so we're the last to pay.
I was the last to manage death with my facts of madness.
Wrongdoings lashing at us with an unlimited apparatus.
Fire caved the roof in ontop of my newly blackened mattress.
Cash has had us since the day I combatted and taxed the havoc.
Only time in the world I'd be happy is as soon as resentment shifts.
This place we call home raised 'saviors' who practice vengeful bliss.
Eye for an eye, reach out and take what you can see.
Not always do the things you need grow on our land's trees.
Father yourself into a new man with a fool proof plan,
To always stay ahead of the pack even if the rules prove damned.

[Razah]

I'm wondering if 2K even tried, at all. Wasn't really feeling none of the verse, at all. What happened here?

Timeless had a decent verse, it was straight.

"Cash has had us since the day I combatted and taxed the havoc."

I liked that line. The rest was okay though, decent flow, good rhyming, some of these rhyme schemes switching up outta no where kinda messed with the flow for me, but still, nothing major.

Eh, I feel like 2000 didn't try, and timeless did enough to beat him. His verse was super solid compared to 2000's.

vtimeless

[UnbornBuddha]

2triple wrote something very simple, I think he is capable of more. I don't know, it's hard to say more. This reads like something I would have written when I was in grammar school. And the part where you began to talk about the site was just distasteful. It's not creative nor experimentally sound to talk about the website you write in a topical, perhaps some could do it. But, that's more for like freestyles, not for this type of writing.

Timeless: This felt quick paced without a misstep. While, not being conceptually mind-blowing it was a solid read. Sometimes your wording does read a bit awkward, something about the syntax or perhaps its more the transitioning from line to line. if you could improve upon the smoothness and the interconnectedness of one line to the next, it will make your piece a lot stronger, in general.

Regardless, vote: Timeless

[Flow]

Trip... you been active for a really long time though before my sabbatical you were a battler and to be honest i never thought you were great for it so its good to see you going for the topical style. That being said this was really below par. I think you can do better but only if you want too. Think on the things when you write.

A theme or concept.
Perhaps your writing about being in jail and the difficulties of having to watch your back and be careful what you say and to who but metaphorically your also talking about this site and your actual bars you dropping.

Rhyme
You using an end word rhyme system. Mix it up. Analyze a eminem verse. He will literally have 3 types of rhymes but throughout the entire verse... as in every word he writes will rhyme not just the end word or even one or two in the middle but every word. Not saying to do that but you get the picture.

Content and vocab
English language is huge and your not even limited to the language. Plus you could make use of its many homophones etc to really add a touch of smarts to the verse. Finally think about what your saying and make it more real and deep. No one here enjoys the gang banger i dont care id fuck you up an tail whip you approach.

Anyways. Vote timeless. I only needed to read two bars to know. timeless solid drop son was a nice read enjoyed the flow for the most part.

[EtH]

2K - Yeah like the others said, you were just too basic in every area. The "rap" grammar you used. The simplistic rhyme scheme, you've been around long enough to avoid falling into these pitfalls so I'm gonna just assume you really rushed this.

Timeless - This was okay. Rhyming was pretty good and it flowed alright and if I pretend I didn't see "shutter to think" there isn't really any flaws with anything. I feel like I can't post much because the topic just didn't have any depth or enough layers for me to really get into it. You have the ability in writing alone but this piece is something I feel will be quickly forgotten based on the topic.

Overall, I feel this is an easy vote.

MVGT - Timeless.

[Mr. J]

PP, this was an excruciating read tbh...
I've seen you use a more fitting style to the way you write that compliments you.
you tend to have ups and downs as far as your ideas go, I remember at the beginning of the AOWL you came with a similar concept
bringing stuff like this to the table is alright at certain levels, maybe with the right topic?
either way I know you have the ability to rhyme the smaller words while shooting off tons of concepts
I know...I see you in the cypher..but I would suggest building upon yourself...improve...
don't just with the first idea that pops in your head, for me it's normal to sprout of several ideas before starting a verse...
you had a week to carefully craft a verse that may have blown your opponent out of the water..
which would have benefited you from the start of the new week....
you can write....but you just don't pace yourself to write something new, you don't challenge yourself
it's easy to say "I've done this, I've done that/what do I look like...a dumbass?/bust on butts call it comeback"
anyone can do that...but to say it in a different manner, being capable of providing a different outlook to that is the key
idk I'm rambling now.....just do work breh....READ READ READ! WRITE WRITE WRITE



v/Timeless because he gave me a hard on towards the end of his verse

[sral]

5-0, I'm closing this ish so the other battles get votes!