Week 11 Championship: Frank vs. sraL - (Lars captures title)

[Vulgar]

LGPA Season 1: Week 11

Frank sraL

Check ins: Thursday (Midnight Eastern time)
Poems Due: Friday (Midnight Eastern time)
Votes due: Sunday (Midnight Eastern time)


Topic:

See topic thread.


Good luck.

[sral]

Check!

[Frank]

O.K

[sral]

"Poet Tree"

http://www.theuntappedsource.com/image.php?id=40284


They say oaks take form from acorns.
But some can't tell the woods from the trees right infront on them, see.
If I hadn't made sure I stayed tall,
then that could have been me!
My roots were flourishing deep in the underground, eagerly pushing down
seeking a fuller, rounded existence as they twist and contort.
They would give me security in their anchorage and support.
This formidably-formed foundation wasn't ground-breaking, but it strengthened my hold.
Without raising my head above ground to check my surrounds
and testing the boundaries,
I'd never of grown.
My career stemmed from this moment as my development showed.
From the depths I arose,
the off-shoot seen gamely turning over a new leaf daily.
This routine gave me all the sustenance needed
to push on strategically with my budding achievements.
Upward I reached,
the sky is the limit for those who aspire to kiss it.
Higher I'm inching now, climbing persistently before their eyes.
With widened interests and soaring pride,
my entire existence bloomed more in size.
I'd always tried branching out to experiment.
Only now it was evident
how I'd developed into such a towering edifice.
The lone combatant overshadowing those around me in everything.
Looking down from my precipice,
I think of the gales which I've prevailed.
The kites with wind in their sails before I witnessed them fail, now their strings are entrails.
The kids that have scaled to these lofty heights before being dropped beside me.
Many have often tried to cross the line, but that's not surprising.
There's one who's constant whining amuses me,
stood below the governed spot that I hold with much aplomb.
Throwing up his rocks with nobody to watch.
Now I know I shouldn't scoff,
but it's sure lonely at the top!

[Frank]

http://i3.mirror.co.uk/incoming/article1880065.ece/ALTERNATES/s615/Dr-Who-Nightmare-in-Silver.jpg

The youngest Grand master Champion to win unanimous and flawless had his back against the arm rest.
1. e4 c5
2. Nf3 d6
3. Bb5+ Bd7
4. Bxd7+ Qxd7
5. c4 Nc6
6. Nc3Nf6
7. 0-0 g6
8. d4 cxd4
9. Nxd4 Bg7
The Black Knight Galloped across the board with reckless abandon gallant in his harness
This challenger represented Mars – The champion from a planet from a far. A Planet of hardship – scattered in stars lit
A heartless opponent from the cosmo strip… both callous and carbon
Attacking the board – advancing the squadron!
10.Nd5 Qxe4
11. Nc7+ Kd7
12. Nxa8 Qxc4
13.Nb6+ axb6
14.Nc3 Ra8
15. a4 Ne4
16. Nxe4 Qxe4
The Martian captures the pawn and hits the timer – passive and harmless.
Grand Master thinks of his next move…dragging his magnet in the margins
The Watch-men stand on guard in the halls of the seminar – stagnant and Spartan
Each move is pathless - off balance –
On the axis – attacking - disarming until each piece has miraculously fallen
The mars man goes on about all his gadgets and jargons
Distracting – the Martian men eyes emphatically darken
17.Qb3 f5
18. Bg5
19. Qb4
20. Qf7
21. Be5
22. h3 Rxa4
23. Qxh7
24. Qxg6
Outsmarted, the apparatus, disheartened hardens into post partum
Matchless – default win

61. Kf6 d4 62. g7 1–0
Undefeated Grand Master Champion - Magnus Carlsen.


--http://graphics8.nytimes.com/images/2007/06/18/science/19kush-600.jpg

1446 B.C

Shadhin stood to the side of the great pyramids – gasping in awe…
125 degrees Fahrenheit, it was outside – That’s hot enough for this frozen solid bag to thaw
Hot enough to sizzle the egg like a frying pan – get a grip, your hand got scorched
Shadhin and his cousin Sadeem were tanned to a bronze that made them camouflage into the Sedan setting in their haggard shawls that were ragged, worn blacker than the granite dissolved
Sadeem dared Shadhin to go into the Kings Chamber – through the haunted corridor through the enchanted halls
Through the door made from Dinosaur – to the elevator cart that hauled you off to the grandest tour.
Sadeem crawled into the damp wall.
Shadhin stood outside of the room of the tomb – kerosene lamp in his palm
The light illuminated the chamber – hieroglyphic drawings in Arabic scrawled
Drawings of different plants – pharaohs being fanned with leafs from the barrenness resort in all the land
Sadeem sprawls out in the coffin with the Pharaoh wrapped in bandages of gauze
As a storm passes on – collecting in the Dog headed gods granite paws.
The two kids have traveled without water, miles from their camp in the north
Magic carpet ride - The Genie granting Aladdin it all
Shadhin drops the lamp. Sadeem panics – as the two hear their names called - through the damndest of halls.
Sadeem can’t claw out of the casket – he is crammed in – panicking – Shadhin lights up the lamp...to an enchanted applause
The two run out of the Pyramid into the dunes
Sadhin falls
Praying to the synagogues in their father land -
Dancing with gall, sand in their balls

http://www.ichiban1.org/images/short_timer.jpg
SALUTE!
Bill wouldn’t budge from the bunker. Bullet after bullet dispensing – each deflecting his shield.
Amidst the chaos, he took the time to finish this letter’ - this letter that would never be sent – each letter written in shaky penmanship
“Bill!” Pete said returning fire - “Feu, tuez-les maintenant!” came hurling out of the mouth of the French in the field.
‘Lisa – Darling’ I am writing to you from a war zone – we’re in the middle of a relentless, hectic ordeal
Pete ran over and covered the grenade – but it was a dud - Bill picked back up the pencil as lead flew through the front lines denting his helmet with steal.
Pete assassinated the whole platoon – giving Billy precious seconds to express how he feels
He thought of his Wife’s walls – and his erect weapon, how she bled and she squealed
As he pulverized her walls like the Tanks heaviest wheel.
“Bill!” It was a rookie cadet. He was being stretched out by the medics – canteen – he went for a swill.
They carried his torso out – both of his legs swept - from his build.
Dressed for the kill - Wedged in the trench – the sky full of jets in the mill
Bill put his pen down, stood up and intercepted an incoming threat with lieutenant skill
Neutralized –
He continued writing ‘I can remember the first time we met, you said you never met a Bill”
Love blind sided me like the bullets being ejected intending to spill my guts over this letter’ the whole event is surreal
Bill is shedding a tear. Mustard gas upsetting him – He cleanses his senses – As a Frenchman runs up to the barracks with his intentions concealed
The Frenchman waves the white flag – he says he’s gaven up “Tu as gagné!” French for we surrender
Bill puts down his Winchester Model 70 Rifle as the enemy kneels.
“cet Américain est insensé” Bill waves the man in as the rest fled from the field.
The enemy still kneeled down like Bill was when he proposed and she said "Yes" and they wedded in the September hills.
“Get up” he yells, as Pete Points the Infrared at the enemy kneeled down – unable to comprehend Bill.
As the Frenchman wept, Bill went back to his letter – even keeled – he mentioned her meals.
And how he can’t wait to penetrate her – bent in her teal
Underwear as a rocket ricocheted into their trench – unexpectedly real!
Bill pledged his love and with bloody saliva – the message was sealed.
Bill capped the pen, ended his spiel – wrecked - dead over the quill
Bill – Army National Guard
U.S Solider
Madly in love
Dead
Head over heels

As you were,

Thank You.

[Hush]

I think of the gales which I've prevailed.
The kites with wind in their sails before I witnessed them fail, now their strings are entrails.

Damn, caught all those "Tree" references peppered in there man. Shit was like one long scheme and shit. The growth really was a focus of the piece and it shown thru man. It was obvious but not slap u in the face talk down to u type shit.




Shadhin stood to the side of the great pyramids – gasping in awe…
125 degrees Fahrenheit, it was outside – That’s hot enough for this frozen solid bag to thaw
Hot enough to sizzle the egg like a frying pan – get a grip, your hand got scorched
Shadhin and his cousin Sadeem were tanned to a bronze that made them camouflage into the Sedan setting in their haggard shawls that were ragged, worn blacker than the granite dissolved

tbh right here I knew I couldnt vote for Frank, his shit was all over the fucking place. The computer chess in the beginning was weird But I wanted to bare with him, then it just got bat shit insane. Thats not my main gripe, its just that the writing style does not capture me, it dont grip me or make me riding along on each word. i kind of plod thru it like its a job

why did he do 3 seperate pieces none that read like any poem I ever seen
Frank bro what the FUCK bro?


Again, I aint a topical mastermind I only know I like what I like


Frank shit wasnt likeable to me


v/Lars

[Flow]

Frank deserves so much credit here because he must of spent like... a long time writing this. I personally enjoyed the chess idea. I dont think it came off as well as it could and i think you could of done with less moves and more lines on each individual move if that makes sense. Sort of a play by play on each to keep the readers attention. Im an avid chess player and even i became bored by it. Slightly tedious. Shouldnt let the reader find it a chore. But mad props on the creativity of it i really enjoyed the freshness an was some fire lines in the midst of it all.
Ill be honest by the time i got to your third topic (why 3 im not sure) i became totally lost by if there was a grand scheme at hand where they all tied in or if you had simply not been able to decide which one was the best and put them all out. Sadly the last one from what i managed to digest had some of the best lines but again by this point it had become a chore reading it all. Sometimes less is more.

Lars was solid here as usual. It was the perfect length because it gave me enough to be happy but left me wanting a little bit more. Like fine dining. The flow was great especially as we got to the core of the piece. Vocab was nice as well.

Anyways... i vote lars

Good showing both

[Spoken]

Frank..... just thechess game was dope as it is bruh.. even the pyramids. Why the fuck did u do 3??.. shoukd have some how incorporated my man... craftsmanship I must loint was... on all 3 u described a man of his craft and im gonna portray that on you with your writing my man. This shit was bonkers.. the 1440 b.c. was great detail and the content delved with the story.. I didnt like the aladin gest tho.. shit was weird. Bill part was cool too lol his erect weapon penetrating her walls lol typical writer move tbh. Edgar allan poe like bro. My favorite still is the chess game causw u went down and told a whole mstch in detail while painting a vivid picture my friend!

Lars- great fucking style and great aspect of this all. Little tad bit of tree pickings lol to depict the sole planet and echelon of ur writing my friend. The reflection u pit into the tree was dope. The content mde the diction and aspect of this piece advance with out striggle. At ease bruh.

This is another hard one..... Frank fuck u man.. shoukd have incorporated these to be ine piece cause this shit judt fucked u in a match lol. Great work but I just felt u cluttered em all into one in hopes of outdoing lars but I think it backfired.... I got lars.

[UnbornBuddha]

I thought this was really good.

Albeit, I do have some gripes, but I enjoyed the read, it was an exceptional match. Just wanted to let you guys know that, before I have to declare a winner, for me at least.

Lars: i don't why, but every time I write your name I think of Sars, lol, it might be because your pen game is sick, pardon the platitude. Anyways, I thought the narrator's voice here was great, I really don't have anything to say with it. There are some weirded worded phrases here and there, "Higher I'm inching now". I will say that as a writer, as of late, you are becoming very powerful in your clarity and intention. However, I have noticed, in order to fulfill this objective, you have simplified your work. And I think your work was more on the simple side to begin with, not simple as in novice, but simple in how you create and address everything. Everything is very clear. I think you struck a perfect balance because obviously you still like complex schemes and whatnot. However, I have noticed that you have become simpler which sometimes makes some lines appear amateurish, even though as a whole your work is of a high caliber. I think it is a fine line you're walking, you're sacrificing a certain sense for another, I've even seen Deadman do this as of late. But, he wasn't simple to begin with, so simplicity has served him well. Just my thoughts.

Frank: I loved the first story, but will be honest with you. Pieces like this have been done before, I read a Zygote verse where a machine is playing chess and he has another link where you manually follow every move. I obviously don't think you are copying but do see that it might not be as creative as it appears to be. But, you did add another spin to it, by making it seem extraterrestrial like. I enjoyed it fully. All the numbers, though, do make it seem less impersonal, which is your goal, but at the same time keeps the reader from becoming entrenched fully due to the technical language of the game. The second story was very detailed and crafted in such a way where's one retinas are ingrained the living image. The picture came to life. The third verse, I wasn't really fond of, kind of dull to be honest. When I was in the championship in the league, not too long ago, I also tried to combine two of the pictures to tell a story, but my intention was to connect them. I didn't do a good job, so the readers thought I wrote different tales. You on the other hand, wrote different tales, and for some reason it leaves a bad impression. I'm not impressed by you being able to write to all three topics and then presenting them as a cohesive piece. I'm more impressed by the material and how well you wrote for some of the like I said the third verse felt bland to me. I also don't think your writing here translates into poetry. It's more of a narrative, which I enjoy thoroughly, but since it is a poetry league, my inclination is to go toward what I consider more poetic like, at least to me. I think here you did too much, and while that is not a problem for me in many cases, I think here you went overboard. If you focused your effort into crafting one magnum opus, instead of three, it would be much better received and regarded.

Thus, I'm going to go with Lars. Thanks for the read though.

[Destroyer]

Frank was good at parts, but his stuff has too much put there seemingly just for the sake of rhyme, and it detracts from the feel of the piece for me, anyway. Like the 'I am writing to you from a warzone, we're in the middle of a relentless hectic ordeal' line, for example. Nobody would ever write that, ever, much less in the middle of a war. it's just there to create a multi, and well, why? This is poetry writing, not swag and flow. Anyways, this was an issue with all of the pieces, have to say I thought the arabic one was your best, but still suffered from the above mentioned issue.
Lars, I liked yours even though you said 'I'd never of grown,' instead of 'I'd never have grown,' which I would expect from someone like Flow Kanvas, but never from an actual Englishmen, and honestly, I wanted to vote against you just for that, but you put enough symbolism and allegorical wordplay into your verse, that it quite easily rose above Frank's efforts.

v/Lars

[Inno]

Frank did to much. Thats it. He went overboard and lost focus a bit
I feel like the cohesion between each piece wasnt strong at all.
Alone each individual piece is dope is its own right. Put together not
So much. Wasnt feeling the first piece with the chess references.
Felt cold and emotion less. No real poetic voice it read like a non
Rhyming topical. That pretty much ser the mood for me.

Lars you coming along nicely man but thats no surprsie really lol.
This was dope bro very consistent with soft touch of diction and imagery
Enjoy your language and overall candence to your flow, as always your rhyming
Is outstanding mixed with a more poetically tones piece. This was dope.

Vote lars.

[sral]

That's 6-0. Might as well close this up so the other matches get votes to be real.

[Vulgar]

Lars - Easily digestible, oiled couplets are the defining thumbprint of your style as of late. Overly mechanical at times, it covers mostly every base and handles wordplay opportunities swiftly and attentively. What can happen is sort of a paradox, where your writer's voice becomes so predictable that the habitual act of "glazing over" a piece as a reader occurs. I have a responsibility as the reader to read this with an active eye, open mind and receptive mood. I think that your style can get repetitive if you always take this "formulaic" route, if you will. I'm being picky not just because I want to sound cool & relay constructive feedback, but because this is a trend I'm sensing in the woodworks - trying to conquer poetry isn't really necessary. (Although you have champed the league as a result.) While the rhyming is stellar, done in nice fashion, it can serve as a hindrance if you want to unlock something further. Take an observant look at the poetry you've written for this league and cross-examine it with your topical portfolio, and the only difference is a little undressing in structure and, arguably, length. Anyway, I thought it was cool.

Frank - Fuck... judging your verses from a topical standpoint is unique due to the fact that we all love a good all-out rhythmic gauntlet, a battle against the writer, presented by the writer, to prove a veritable longevity in the face of the rap gods. An attempt at indomitability - which you have succeeded in more than once. I couldn't get into these though, man, especially now that I have my diction cap on more than ever, this being a poetry league, where its "gospel" if you will is to be okay with stripping down. Getting a little more minimalist with your approach to assure a succinct product. A smorgasbord is allowed, and encouraged, like you put on display here. There was disorder in the food presentation, though, and I definitely didn't like at least 17 awkward sounding lines/wording/rhyme couplets. Keep doing you though and come back strong.

Vote - sraL