Spoken vs. EtH - ETH 5-3

[sral]

AOWL Season V, Week 9


SUMMARY OF RULES:

Verses are due
Monday at 11:59 p.m. Western / or Tuesday 2:59 Am Eastern / 7:59AM UK
There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Thursday at 11:59 p.m. Western / or Friday 2:59 Am Eastern / 7:59AM UK. Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.

All competitors must vote on THREE battles and post links/ references in the voting thread.

Read the full rules here!

TOPIC:

https://s-media-***he-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/15/94/df/1594dfd0c6d71f75f7d7541ae39e2b6c.jpg

Good luck!

EtH @erebus Spoken

[EtH]

Check. Let's give um hell Story.

[Spoken]

Here

[EtH]

Born on the Battlefield

Born on the battlefield, in the arms of my mother
Prematurely removed, and still I’ve hardly recovered
I stretch out, each limb being unfurled
Eyes flutter open, my first time seeing the word
*Whoosh*
Dust hits my face, what is in store?
Bullets clink and chime as they fall to the floor
Engines explode, the petrol affronts
Metallic teardrops that float through and rest on my tongue
I look to my mother’s eyes to catch a borrowed glance
Behind their steely exterior, they sit hollow, blank
Her cold hands chill on my skin as she holds me tight
I shiver and shudder, my blood frozen white
A child stuck in a war zone, mother unprepared
The air singed with the scent of burning hair
I try to wriggle-free and I fight her, she’s keeping me tighter
I gaze down to see that liquid leaks from inside her
Blood trickles through, sticky and wet
It’s maroon tint fades away to leave a stygian mess
I curl back in her arms, feeling so delicate
As men fall to the floor, each of them relatives
In danger, I stretch out to yell and point
But am held back by my under-developed voice
With my mother by my side, I’m never left alone
She whispers into my ear, she’ll never let me go
Buildings crumble, my bones shake with the noise
Leaving me too scared to even play with my toys
My birth into this world left damaged and sabotaged
Wrapped and hidden in this blanket of camouflage
I need out, my heart races, I just avert and leave
My legs just too small to desert the scene
I just fall and crawl, but this war is hell
She drags me back with a fist full of mortar shells
Mother grips hard, declining my last appeal
Leaving me with the fate…to die on the battlefield.

[Spoken]

Forsaken...

He stood firm and never churned from his border,
Let it burn, the lesson learned, feeling trapped in a corner.
Kept on waiting for time that never cared to incline,
Saw the roads that paved souls but it never lead to his mind.
Crossing acceptance and simply forging the blessing,
Metal casings slugged to awaken the nearest souls that were resting.
Hiding deep in the trenches- rigamortis, infected,
Patching wounds that would assume one corpse is infested.
He shook the gesture and took the venture with pride,
Plugged the outburst on the outskirts and forced them to hide.
No weakness shall be given as he was living a dream,
Saving time while caving lies that built a bridge over streams.
Lucid he went while keeping the intrusive content,
Confusion among movement but it was fluid at best.
.
.
.
I've seen all sides but to my surprise this is new,
Such depression with aggression? Honey, this isn't you.
Don't tell me what I know. Im a relishing clone,
Supressing all this anger that seems to strangle all ive condoned.
I'm just concerned for the sake of what you might let fade,
Turn loose with no dispute and let the skies turn grey.
.
.
He sold his soul to his worshipper and never turned back,
A sergeant in his platoon but had forgot he was a dad.
A husband, a friend. A human being at that,
Suffocating himself till it all fades to black.
Took to war; His life including his child and wife,
Lived by the bullet, the suffix; a rubrix cube deep inside.
Till the smoke cleared and all dear was gone and a mess,
Sold his soul to a hole that left him asking for death.

[2tripple0]

okay two dope verses both very different styles... I thought eth was just a bit of a drag on a topic that has been done to death.... he definitely had some ill thoughts and everything but I think spoken just came with that deadly shit that really took this battle... for me I would have like to see eth come with something that was more relatable I felt at times it was hard to imagine this war hero who has fallen because of his lover or something like that and if I didn't get it please don't be mad at me im only discussing your verse with an open mind but I just felt like ive read this too many times and didn't feel empathetic for your character as much as spokens.... which came on a whole nother level I thought I really connected with your piece and the connections that were being made one line after another which was a better read and something that I felt like I could relate to... don't know just wasn't feeling eths story about soldiers fallen at a battlefield...maybe I missed something but you weren't what I was looking for this week....sorry please don't let this vote bother you because I felt like this battle could have gone either way but I just felt spokens approach to the topic more even though it was a bit altruistic in a sense but still felt he was the writer with the better verse......so..........

vote: SPOKEN

[UnbornBuddha]

Eth: Your writing was more poignant here, albeit admittingly I do get quite bored reading war based topicals. Mostly, because they been done to death. And, I felt you didn't introduce any mind-boggling twists to it that will justify the direction. However, I did like quite a number of lines: metallic teardrops", "my blood frozen white", etc.

Spoken: You maintained a good flow, mostly due to the internals, although you were not as technically proficient as your opponent, mainly due to few multisyllabic strings, you had some here and there. Albeit, nowadays I have become less concerned with that aspect, yet I still think it adds a lot of value to verse, especially if the schemes are intricate enough. The content itself was more powerful, mostly due to the metaphysical implications that you implanted and the sacrificial aspect of it added to the impact.

Vote: Spoken

[Razah]

I liked both verses, both stories. Good shit guys. I'm also not a fan of the "war" topicals, seen so many and that's from my memory of baacckkk in the days.

I may be the odd ball voter in this whole battle, but I think it's pretty close actually. The best part to me about Spoken's verse was the internals. It allowed for me to read his verse very smoothly. Eth on the other hand, I felt like he was more descriptive. I could imagine the story in my head, and that's always a cool thing while reading a verse. For that reason alone, Im'a have to give it to Eth. Good verses from both of you guys, this is simply based on what I preferred more.

vEth

[Nigma]

EdM, this was a cool verse, lots to like about it. How the title worded in contrast with the way you began and ended the verse was cool. Imagery being born in the intro was cool. Lots of the wording was interesting throughout. The stygian mess part was memorable. I liked the mother involvement and the metaphor to youth however I think you went back and forth on it in a way that didn't work too well. It was unique in that sometimes youd be on the battlefield with engines roaring, which doesn't have any metaphorical value to the opposing side of your verse, and other times you'd be too upset to play with your toys kinda thing, which didn't have an adjacent comparison on the other side. Long winded especially for how little it effected the read but its something I wanted to point out and is hard to describe. Overall crisp read (although i ran into more problems reading it in a different accent than your other pieces) and strong thoughtful delivery.

Spoken, another well written verse. Strong wording. There were several lines that were standout awesome for me. Really liked the whole bridge over streams bar. Conceptually you took a safe-stab linear approach. Knew where you wanted to start, knew where you wanted to finish, and built the road between with a consistent flow and some stand out lines. Only critique I have for the verse would be more forethought into the concept but I think I recall you saying you were strapped for time which would explain it.

Both had enjoyable reads which is always nice for the reader. A battle that comes down to personal preference I guess. Although I respect the approach of Spoken and the proficiency of his mechanics used, I feel EsP brought a bigger tickletruck of assets to his verse with subtle nuances throughout, including, but not limited to his intro/close and the weaving between metaphorical perspectives.

+1 EhD

[Mr. J]

This was a dope battle tbh..

I felt that both of you came correct here, and it's interesting to see the clash in styles

EtH, Your flow stayed on point, and your word use kept the flow moving...
I really felt towards the middle you started to pick up with your verse
the beginning was nice but the second half is where the piece picked up for me
I felt the twist you put on the topic put it a worthwhile read...dope showing..

Spoken, you took a different approach with your piece & it made it dope
keeping the piece in a constant motion by building upon the story as we progress
I really thought your opponent brought a dope play on the topic, but after reading yours I was impressed
you brought a more fulfilling piece as you continue to unfold the whole story
some dope work here brah...

v/I think this was a great battle, one of the closest I've read in most recent days
I felt like both competitors came correct and that both brought a comfortable style to the table
making the read of both topics worthwhile, but I feel like Spoken may have slipped this out of EtH's hands
both had strong showings and this would be my choice for BOTW if anything...
interesting showing from newcomers


v/Spoken

[King Ra.]

It's funny after reading and voting on Frank/Mr. J clash, where I expected a very dope match up, and yet, to come here and read two verses that are very well written and so tightly compatible making my decision here pretty difficult. Both of you had a certain presentation that I felt makes your verses stand out. Eth had a very visual piece here, filled with some nice lines to form a image more descriptive beyond what the picture shows. His verse brought it to life, if that makes sense. Whereas Spoken came a surprisingly deep, descriptive perspective, not so much telling a visual story as Eth but with strong detailed elements of what the image brings to mind. I fel both competitors here took there approaches and presented them well. I really like what Spoken put together here, been awhile since I last read something from him, and this piece is actually at a much higher level. I believe your intro section really set the tone. It was fluid, descriptive, very easy to get into and transitioned to the rest of the piece really nicely. Now Eth's piece captivated me much differently, because his writing painted an image that by the end of the read, I was pleased. To be upfront, through first read, I heavily favored Spoken's piece because it seemed more in-depth and thought provoking. But when I really read both stories again, it's very close to call, but I have to go with Eth on my second instinct, just because while I really liked what Spoken did with his piece, Eth gave this full motion visual of this war and this relationship between mother and son that just came together beautifully visually. Very dope match up here.

MVGT- Eth. Good job by both competitors.

[Frank]

EtH

Born on the battlefield, in the arms of my mother
Prematurely removed, and still I’ve hardly recovered
I stretch out, each limb being unfurled
Eyes flutter open, my first time seeing the word
*Whoosh*
Word/world? Tomatoes/Tamaotes? Minor mistake. Upon first reading it I read it as world. Only after critiquing each couplet now do I see the error. The brain automates kind of like spell check. That's why I can tpye lkie tihs and you can Raed Tihs, You Msut Be Raelly Smrat lol. Whoosh in asterisks was creative
Dust hits my face, what is in store?
Bullets clink and chime as they fall to the floor
Engines explode, the petrol affronts
Metallic teardrops that float through and rest on my tongue
I read somewhere you mentioning my rhyme schemes being off or whatever. I am now looking at your syllable alignment with a heightened awareness. What I can gather it is rather simple. It is however poignant and to the point in it's preciseness. Clean writing really. I'm just nitpicking.
I look to my mother’s eyes to catch a borrowed glance
Behind their steely exterior, they sit hollow, blank
Her cold hands chill on my skin as she holds me tight
I shiver and shudder, my blood frozen white
If you would look at the picture, you will see a white gleam of sunlight accentuating the sun light hitting them, which can be perceived as frozen white blood, I suppose. See what I'm talking about?
A child stuck in a war zone, mother unprepared
The air singed with the scent of burning hair
I try to wriggle-free and I fight her, she’s keeping me tighter
I gaze down to see that liquid leaks from inside her
Blood trickles through, sticky and wet
It’s maroon tint fades away to leave a stygian mess
I liked the descriptions "Air singed" and the word stygian in the same couplet
I curl back in her arms, feeling so delicate
As men fall to the floor, each of them relatives
In danger, I stretch out to yell and point
But am held back by my under-developed voice
With my mother by my side, I’m never left alone
She whispers into my ear, she’ll never let me go
I read that the word Mother, according to 40,000 people world wide, is the most beautiful word in the English language. The word Mother never fails to evoke.
Buildings crumble, my bones shake with the noise
Leaving me too scared to even play with my toys
My birth into this world left damaged and sabotaged
Wrapped and hidden in this blanket of camouflage
I need out, my heart races, I just avert and leave
My legs just too small to desert the scene
I liked this "desert the scene" - I guess it could be a desert of sorts.
I just fall and crawl, but this war is hell
She drags me back with a fist full of mortar shells
Dr. Seus passed away on this day, back in 1991. Fun fact
Mother grips hard, declining my last appeal
Leaving me with the fate…to die on the battlefield.


Vivacious verse. Was sharper than a bayonet



Spoken
Forsaken...

He stood firm and never churned from his border,
Let it burn, the lesson learned, feeling trapped in a corner.
Kept on waiting for time that never cared to incline,
Saw the roads that paved souls but it never lead to his mind.
Crossing acceptance and simply forging the blessing,
Metal casings slugged to awaken the nearest souls that were resting.
You have a very unorthodox way of writing, my friend. It is very clunky to me. The connection of words just doesn't sit right with me. This has always been your style, though. You writing is somewhat mumble jumble to me. I think the syllable count is cool, it's just the combination of words that bothers me. It really drains me for some odd reason.
Hiding deep in the trenches- rigamortis, infected,
Patching wounds that would assume one corpse is infested.
He shook the gesture and took the venture with pride,
Plugged the outburst on the outskirts and forced them to hide.
No weakness shall be given as he was living a dream,
Saving time while caving lies that built a bridge over streams.
Lucid he went while keeping the intrusive content,
Confusion among movement but it was fluid at best.
Last 2 lines summarize my previous sentiments
.
.
.
I've seen all sides but to my surprise this is new,
Such depression with aggression? Honey, this isn't you.
Don't tell me what I know. Im a relishing clone,
Supressing all this anger that seems to strangle all ive condoned.
I'm just concerned for the sake of what you might let fade,
Turn loose with no dispute and let the skies turn grey.

Your stuff reads like an ancient over weight Samoan in a mud hut somewhere in the remote part of Hawaii to be honest lol. And when I read your material with that picture in my head of you, I grow to appreciate your native way with word
He sold his soul to his worshipper and never turned back,
A sergeant in his platoon but had forgot he was a dad.
A husband, a friend. A human being at that,
Suffocating himself till it all fades to black.
Took to war; His life including his child and wife,
Lived by the bullet, the suffix; a rubrix cube deep inside.
Till the smoke cleared and all dear was gone and a mess,
Sold his soul to a hole that left him asking for death.

Piece had some gusto, but not much technique

I am voting for EtH. Piece to me was more on point. Where as Storyteller was perhaps a little more ambitious, EtH was defter

Solid battle men, good adaptation to this weeks pic

[Adonis]

eth up 4-3

Rise

[Certain]

I will vote tonight.

[Adonis]

Each verse had a poetical vibe which is something I enjoy. This is a solid battle because you two went a similar route with the topic. You each had a war theme to it, so no real points for original take on topic I guess. Enjoyed each flow but did notice some errors in eth verse. I think that while spoken gave a stronger emotional connection in the verse, his verse was also harder to follow in comparison. I liked the brutality of Eth, a child not freed, held onto for death.

So....Again, not the most original given the topic, and this is a nit picking vote because I really did enjoy each read damn near equally on a very high level. In fact, I have read half of the verses this week and these are my two favorites. Anyways

V/ Eth slightly, very close, extremely enjoyable, dope shit point blank.

[Adonis]

I will vote tonight.

Thanks

If you do, send it to me and I'll gladly include in mag


with wins 5-3