EtH 1-0 vs. Flo Real 1-1 - ETH 4-1

[Adonis]

Week AOWL Season V, Week 10


SUMMARY OF RULES:

Verses are due
Tuesday at 9 p.m. Pacific/West Coast or Tuesday 11:59 PM Eastern / 6:00 AM Wednesday Central European/London
There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Friday at 4:00 p.m. Western / or Friday 7:00 PM Eastern / 1:00 AM Saturday Central European/London Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.

All competitors must vote on THREE battles and post links/ references in the voting thread.

Read the full rules here! (http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=119848)



Topic: http://100.best-poems.net/invictus.html

William Ernest Henley – Invictus (my personal favorite)


G/Luck

EtH Flo Real

[EtH]

Check. A poem dedicated to a Scotsman, seems like fate (until you realize that Scotsman is Robert Bruce).

[Flow]

In under 10 mins just for you lol.

Invictus.. latin for Unconquered

It starts with a tree and a seed innocently,
The seed amongst a sea of others originally,
Until he leaves the leaves of his brothers,
And flees the eaves of the tree and sheds its protective cover...
Lying in the shadow of the paternal giant,
This prying commando is eternally defiant,
Dreams of trying times and bloody battles,
A far sight from the idyllic lovely an protective shackles...
A new shadow forms over this to be fighter,
Like a harrow it claws up this fallen outsider,
At first the grass seems greener the light is lighter,
Before all is dark at last as the grip turns tighter...
He awakes to a sting, hes chained to a new master,
He smells the stench of vinegar where he expects a plaster,
His potential limited, how long is a length of string,
A special pebble in peril, a fallen angel flying without a wing...
In war he sees his reflection looking back at him, like a brother
Before one anothers wrath is smashed with a crash against each other,
One chants veni vedi vici... i am invictus;
The thirst for surviving is infectious, zealous and vicious...
After every fight he leaves them with broken shells,
While he retuns unconquered onto the conker shelf,
He has been given the chance to live and fight another day...
The daily fight of corperate life expressed so simply as childs play

I am invictus

[EtH]

After School Special

Been years of waiting, but I've played it cool,
I've been anticipating this last day of school,
I've obeyed the rules, never often in fights
Soon it stops and I'm hyped that it's gone from my life
Taking nothing away, I guess I missed the essence
I'd saw judgement and fallacies behind every lesson
I won't regret that it's here, school is left in the rear
With that screech on the chalkboard which always bled in my ear
Or this sour stench which always discon-certs
As teachers sweat through the armpits of their discount shirts
Crumbled notebooks packed with sketches and scrawls
A prisoner to this 3 o’clock bell on the wall
I know when the seconds are carved and the minutes are chiselled through
He'll say "The bell isn't your teacher, it's I that dismisses you"
Whatever dude, d'ya feel big when you're abusing some kids?
Doesn't matter, soon I'll be through with this shit and life truly begins
Looking outside, I can't wait for the life after limbo
As the bell rings, I smile, looking out past the window.

----------------------------------------------------------

How foolish was I? Sitting thinking of freedom?
Unaware of the undivided bliss I was leaving
I never contemplated the occasion where I’d sink to the depths
Imprisoned by a classroom is better than imprisoned by debts
Sure I got bored, but was I sure that I’d really want more?
Now I long to see those white crumbs sitting under the chalk board
What were those things I’d doodle? I wish I’d wrote them down
Now all I write are bad cheques which I know will bounce
Its madness, I’m nostalgic of that sweaty room
Now my senses are dulled as the pressure looms
If I dreamt of a gravy train, then I guess it has missed me
My Invictus was conquered long before it existed
What a self-righteous prick I was back in the bay
Thought I was captive, enslaved and had some plan to escape
Now 10 years on, the only freedom I was left to find
Is begging judgemental strangers for some extra time
I can’t believe that I felt I was stranded in limbo
Cause now I’m standing outside, looking back into the window.

[Razah]

Flo, cool verse. Felt like the second part of the verse started getting wordy & threw the rhythym off for me. This lines stood out. Overall, enjoyable verse.


Like a harrow it claws up this fallen outsider,

A special pebble in peril, a fallen angel flying without a wing...

As far as the whole topic, Invictus, I really enjoyed EtH verse. The verse was cool. Simple, smooth as butter, and a few bars in I could tell where you were going with the topic. I was just talking to my boy the other day about this, that's funny. Anyways, both verses were decent. I feel like Flo's verse was 'technically' better, as far as mechanics & whatnot, but EtH verse was just more 'real' to me.

vEtH

[Mr. J]

Flo I enjoy the quickness in which you write it adds that on the spot touch
I enjoy writing this way because it makes me feel more in tune with the verse
a majority of the time Im focused on editing my verse to make the structure come across smooth
either way I felt you started off slow & built up closer to the end, which is sad to me
I know you are capable of writing I just wish you would add more than 20 lines a verse
regardless I feel like you proved that you are worth readin when you grasp onto your topic
nice work man

EtH this was impressive on your behalf, you improve each verse
i thought the flow of the piece really showed you had a grasp of the topic
I feel like you may have taken this further & had a classic piece on your hands
I didnt really like the break in the piece I feel you could have made it work all together in a cohesive drop
otherwise towards the end of the first verse you started losing me a bit
I feel like that was a stretch for the drop, nice drop either way

v/EtH I feel like if flo had taken 20 more minutes on this piece of his he would have balanced this battle out
of course EtH came with an impressive verse this time around which will gain him another win
I had issues with some of his verse but regardless I felt like he snatched this from his opponent almost very easily
cool battle fellas

[Frank]

1 minute critique just for you

flo real - remember that time I told you; you would improve? Well it happened. I have to call bullshit on under 10 minutes. Don't you know every number has to be multiplied by 4, kinda like the number of guys a girl tells you she has fucked. Just logic. Weren't you rhymenreason? Anyways I have 45 seconds left so I will not waste much more time. You wrote like a spartan with a spear by day / quill by night. Flow was much better than last week, and the weeks before. I enjoyed this excerpt very much so. Good work... Oh? I have 19 seconds left? Ok, let me re-read. "5 seconds left" yeah good shit - Sir William Ernest Henley would have been honored.

EtH
Nice effort young lad. Caused me to ponder me own youth as a plump fat boy with me pits all yellow and leaking from me shirt. Piece had a innocence to it. A elementary aspect. I liked that you were looking through the window like a good young lad reminiscing... Some vivid flashbacks. Perhaps a little more of that could've triggered a deeper connection between you and this piece. Nostalgic but could've been more Nostalgia.

I almost forgot to read the poem. Fantastic read, really.

Have to vote for who I think Sir William Ernest Henley would've enjoyed more here

MVGT Flo Real

[Nigma]

this was a cool topic. excited to read these mawfukn verses

It starts with a tree and a seed innocently,
The seed amongst a sea of others originally,
Until he leaves the leaves of his brothers,
And flees the eaves of the tree and sheds its protective cover...
Lying in the shadow of the paternal giant,
leaves the leaves part was cool and liked paternal giant
This prying commando is eternally defiant,
Dreams of trying times and bloody battles,
A far sight from the idyllic lovely an protective shackles...
^felt a bit wordy
A new shadow forms over this to be fighter,
Like a harrow it claws up this fallen outsider,
At first the grass seems greener the light is lighter,
Before all is dark at last as the grip turns tighter...
He awakes to a sting, hes chained to a new master,
He smells the stench of vinegar where he expects a plaster,
thought plaster could have been reworded to something less bland. enjoying this section but that line was flat to me
His potential limited, how long is a length of string,
A special pebble in peril, a fallen angel flying without a wing...
In war he sees his reflection looking back at him, like a brother
Before one anothers wrath is smashed with a crash against each other,
One chants veni vedi vici... i am invictus;
The thirst for surviving is infectious, zealous and vicious...
^that bar has set a mood most fitting to the topic so far
After every fight he leaves them with broken shells,
While he retuns unconquered onto the conker shelf,
He has been given the chance to live and fight another day...
The daily fight of corperate life expressed so simply as childs play
'so simply' as childs play was worded poorly but a cool concept to close out on. had some areas that coulda been polished better but also some sections that were nice


After School Special

Been years of waiting, but I've played it cool,
I've been anticipating this last day of school,
I've obeyed the rules, never often in fights
Soon it stops and I'm hyped that it's gone from my life
Taking nothing away, I guess I missed the essence
I'd saw judgement and fallacies behind every lesson
I won't regret that it's here, school is left in the rear
With that screech on the chalkboard which always bled in my ear
Or this sour stench which always discon-certs
As teachers sweat through the armpits of their discount shirts
Crumbled notebooks packed with sketches and scrawls
A prisoner to this 3 o’clock bell on the wall
I know when the seconds are carved and the minutes are chiselled through
He'll say "The bell isn't your teacher, it's I that dismisses you"
Whatever dude, d'ya feel big when you're abusing some kids?
Doesn't matter, soon I'll be through with this shit and life truly begins
Looking outside, I can't wait for the life after limbo
As the bell rings, I smile, looking out past the window.

----------------------------------------------------------

How foolish was I? Sitting thinking of freedom?
Unaware of the undivided bliss I was leaving
I never contemplated the occasion where I’d sink to the depths
Imprisoned by a classroom is better than imprisoned by debts
Sure I got bored, but was I sure that I’d really want more?
Now I long to see those white crumbs sitting under the chalk board
What were those things I’d doodle? I wish I’d wrote them down
Now all I write are bad cheques which I know will bounce
Its madness, I’m nostalgic of that sweaty room
Now my senses are dulled as the pressure looms
If I dreamt of a gravy train, then I guess it has missed me
My Invictus was conquered long before it existed
What a self-righteous prick I was back in the bay
Thought I was captive, enslaved and had some plan to escape
Now 10 years on, the only freedom I was left to find
Is begging judgemental strangers for some extra time
I can’t believe that I felt I was stranded in limbo
Cause now I’m standing outside, looking back into the window.

Cool verse EBW, I liked how your start to close first stanza really left the door open for possible outcomes, and like how you slowly gave the reader an understanding how bad off the guy was throughout the second half. mechanically this was well polished, you are a stifler for syllables. crisp read, strong outing

Two strong verses however for a more complete verse with higher conceptual development and more polish,

+1 ECM

[NYCSPITZ]

ayo, this was a pretty tight battle...

flo real i liked this verse a lot and am very impressed that u busted it out in 10 minutes. It was pretty heavy laden with cool imagery and a stream of scenarios related to a battle atmosphere. I took it as a tree seedling fighting against the fact that he ends up in a pot of some sort limiting his potential. Cool shit bruv.

eth shit was smooth.

Or this sour stench which always discon-certs
As teachers sweat through the armpits of their discount shirts
Crumbled notebooks packed with sketches and scrawls
A prisoner to this 3 o’clock bell on the wall
^^^ nasty

My thing is I thought the 1st stanza was dope but I thought parts of the second stanza were horrible. I just don't like platitudes that much and thought it lacked a certain depth and clarity. some forced stuff like "wish I'd wrote" instead of wished I'd written to force a rhyme seems egregious to me...also felt the ending was anticlimactic. But I'm probably focusing too much on negatives here, because with the polish and thought of verse 1 multiplied or maintained in verse 2, you truly would've had a dope verse here.

mvgt - eth

[sral]

4-1 Eth wins!