Week 14: Rakontur vs. Spoken - (Rakontur wins)

[Vulgar]

LGPA Season 1: Week 14

Rakontur Spoken

Check ins: Thursday (Midnight Eastern time)
Poems Due: Friday (Midnight Eastern time)
Votes due: Sunday (Midnight Eastern time)


Topic: The Animal Kingdom

Write about something you see in this video.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oZud8JHtxWE


Good luck.

[Spoken]

Check.

[Woke]

Drips of sustenance.
This divine smell, it emits a love with it
Potent, enough to eclipse a punishment
The pain of being devoured is devoured
Joy of life is suckled. Shhh, death will overpower.
Two lips will soon drain a life to crypt
A heavenly liquid is one that I'd like to sip
While we once roamed; searched for fuel
Seeking tracks of prey to hunt and kill
Now; Trader Joe barters cheaply
Hops are sold instead of brewed discretely
Carnegie hall instead of carnage enthralled
Clubs are fist pumps instead of marring food to dissolve
Breaking bread is no longer yeast buzzing my brain
BAC is maintained instead of surging free through my veins
Life is happy, yet I'd kill for a fix
Snatch any purse regardless of whose attached to it
Me, I'd hammer the final nail in that crucifix
Just to ensure my primal genes are a looser fit
You probably don't remember the days of lore
Where a Redskin was a bloody scalp you wore
And sheep’s wool kept Peta cozy
Where life and death differed mostly..
By whether or not you could survive coldly
See, I learned early fresh tea never soothed me
But warm liquor...Ooh-Wee!
I devour souls by the pint
Write a poem less savagely. The day in a life.

[Spoken]

Wading in the mist
Thats enticing the savagely night.
Hawking on the tip of this beast,
Passionately tip toeing my claws across
-the plateau
Berringer conscience
White zin in a half brim casing
These midnight blues are staring
Thru the Seinfeld evening.
Red eyes fading into a color chrome
Pacing my breath to pounce
-the devils advocate
The wind hugs tight till eyelids
Only allow a glimpse...
... till I open clearly and see what I had escaped with.
My own; my treasure.. this centerfold medallion
I keep hidden high but below the skies
To keep me feasting.
-till the next full moon


A vultures isis

[Dearg]

Rak, this was alright. I feel like you forcing yourself to rhyme limited a lot of the potential in your concepts and wording. The wording was also kinda rocky because of you having to find a rhyme at the end of each line. I usually find it easier to rhyme in topicals than poetry, though many would say there really isn't a difference. Poetry is more about substance for me. The imagery, emotion and wording is what matters more so than the rhythm (unless it's a limerick or fairy tale). I feel like you would've really thrived here if not for the self induced limitations. Okay read but could've been better.

Spoken, some word choices felt a bit awkward but other than that I liked this. It was short and sweet, just like most internationally and historically loved poetry. I felt there was plenty of substance in the small mass of writing and you did was you were meant to do. I'd just recommend a little revising next time as like I said some things could've been better worded (i.e. savage night instead of savagely night). Keep writing.

Vote Spoken for the slightly better poem.

[Vulgar]

Rakontur - This was tight to me. Sick content in some places like the 'crucifix' bar. It echoed the theme of hunting, primal instincts, prey and predators, etc. It had a load of personal touch. "The pain of being devoured is devoured" immediately invoked an image of a crocodile's open mouth. Nicely done here, I liked the brain spill.

Spoken - Your imagination is ripe, yet the tensil-strength of your language lacks at times. When you use adjectives, I'm not convinced. A suggestion I have for you (and I encourage you to suggest stuff to me as well, my poetry has been atrocious lately) is to minimize the amount of objects in any given scene you are describing. There were references like Berringer and Seinfeld and it sort of diluted the rest of the poem, the ground you were "gaining" on. I read it four times and noticed details starting to come together, clear signs of a bird narrator, or something with wings. I think if you can refine your language a little more, you can capitalize on this within the first read. Might I also suggest checking out the Goblin Fruit literary journal. Their style is up your alley.

My vote goes to Rakontur

[Frank]

MVGT Rakontur

On the social commentary tip

[Spoken]

Pls dwn this vote^^^^^ seriously