MMLP 1-0 vs Bobby Bigelow 1-0 - MMLP 4-0

[sral]

Week AOWL Season V, Week 11


SUMMARY OF RULES:

Verses are due
Tuesday at 9 p.m. Pacific/West Coast or Tuesday 11:59 PM Eastern / 6:00 AM Wednesday Central European/London
There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Friday at 4:00 p.m. Western / or Friday 7:00 PM Eastern / 1:00 AM Saturday Central European/London Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.

All competitors must vote on THREE battles and post links/ references in the voting thread.

Read the full rules here! (http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=119848)



Topic: http://i1.wp.com/www.fiz-x.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/01/Quotes-17.jpg

G/Luck

MMLP Bobby Bigelow

[MMLP]

Under my dads scrutiny to give up the chase
but all that grew on me was an influx in weight
a big bunch of changes in my lowest of times
and it took me ages to open my eyes

though showing the signs i would beg to differ
a load of my time was spent in liquor
getting bigger, just lounging around
then to dinners and drowned on the couch

no clouds were surrounding when id go to the grill
just pounding the brownies and my hopes were fulfilled
and it wasnt until this someone i liked
had opened a world id struggled to find

had me strung on a line the moment we spoke
and hung out to dry with the clothing she chose
soon probing in hope when i'd go to ask her
but sugar-coating her no's in the phone booth chatter

but a whole new chapter of effort begun
as so soon after i went for a run
now my quest had become to get into shape
the pressure eased up as i stepped in the race

my attention would change to know all my reps
benching the weights and the tone would be set
holding and stretching, aligning my squats
i noticed momentum with each mile i jogged

the weight was piling off, just to skip on the spot
it blew my mind a lot as to how easy it was
as it hit my conscience, i would propel at last
only admitting my problem was all that held me back

[Bobby Bigelow]

yep

[Bobby Bigelow]

Calloused hands held the substance,
The thought made him self-destructive,
But he was holdin onto the only thing he ever fell in love with,
Always wishin he never withheld his judgement,
Because the withdrawal got him feelin like a sweltering oven,
Spark the lighter, Hold it to the dirty skin till he felt it bubblin,
No reason to start, but to him it just felt productive,
Seems like good decisions were only made when he was dealt instructions,
Too many days passed by trying to regain healthy functions,
The time was lost, there was no grasping the past mistakes,
Tried talking it out but no-one could ever damn relate,
The frustration was fading, Erased all of his damaged states,
and rose from the ashes with plans of getting a family raised,
Those dark days seemed further away now that his path was straight,
Because no one but himself could help his mentality change,
The dreams are there, all he had to do was stand and chase,
He made it happen, Always wondering was it hard work or was it fate?
The bright light at the end of the tunnel was always there to stay,
Even if the actions happened a little late...
His sunrise awaits.

[MMLP]

ext? Bobby Bigelow

[UnbornBuddha]

Lol, at the picture.

Marshall: I thought this read very nicely, there were no gimmicks, but it did leave me wondering if was a metaphor for something more profound than the somatic gains attained through musculoskeletal manipulation. Nonetheless, I enjoyed this, while it wasn't anything epic it was an enjoyable flow with a sincere pace. Some of the lines were inconsequential without much amplitude, lines such as "after I went for a run". I think there are much better ways to emphasize physical activity and still implement more tools, such as imagery and whatnot. Cool take, I found it entertaining.

Bobby: The writing itself was more poignant, but I felt you never took us anywhere, it started in the same place as it ended, with perhaps the focus shifted onto the horizon, but still from the same axis. Which can be a powerful approach I suppose, but here the progression felt stilted. The substance addiction angle to me is very dry, and while you added some momentum by implementing the emotional context, there was still not much to be gained. I think with takes like these, one has to add something to the mix, so as to not cause stagnation in one's writing, otherwise constraint happens and instead of profundity one ends up with something bland and not as emotionally invigorating as one would have hoped.

Vote: MMLP

[timeless]

Mmlp, I appreciate your improvement since I first seen you drop pieces on here. Although I must say that this verse seems rushed, and could've been way more entertaining if you had fleshed it out more. Too many sudden/out of nowhere lines that distracted me from the humor you attempted to input. Your flow and rhymes have gotten light years better, you just need to flesh out your content more and you'll be competing with the best in no time. Keep writing my dude.

Bigelow, the first 8 or so lines were dope. Flowed real smooth and its just like you lost all motivation to finish this piece like the way it could've been. Your tie-in to the topic was mediocre at best, with no real sense of direction. You're writing is polished in general when it comes to flow and schemes, which tells me this isn't new for you and you have rust to rid of.

Bobby had the more polished writing, but I'll take mmlps complete approach over a short nothing anyday.

V. Mmlp

[sral]

BUMP!

This battle needs voting up before we can proceed with next weeks match ups!

[YDK]

This was surprisingly close tbh
I haven't read much if anything from either of you that I can remember and I was happy to see both you have a solid grasp on writing.
Mmlp had a very clean yet simple verse. A story that wasn't overly complex but had smooth rhymes progression and easy transitions. It will be interesting to see you elevate and incorporate deeper stories as we go through the season.
Bb had a story I related to more with the substance abuse type shit. While it was moreccomplex it lacked the cleanliness mmlp had with the lines. Some of the wording was slightly off like "damn relate" just felt awkward to me. Not a bad verse by any means just needed to be tightened up a bit with the wording and lines
Good battle here guys but I got mmlp taking this with a slightly more polished verse
Vote mmlp

[e11even]

Mmlp- you did well for yourself here. This was a simple story draped In safe rhyming and structure, not a bad thing at all. In fact, this is kinda hard for me to do admittedly. I liked this because it was accessible, but not elementary in execution. Good solid work here.

Bobby- This story was a good angle to me, not really original, but could be a solid contender if effectively told. I felt a sliver of soul beneath this to relate to, but that's why it fell short. The technical aspect of this piece was very basic, making the story aspect standout more. Usually when you set up a drop like this the story needs to hold its own, and in this case it was kinda flat or one-dimensional. The climax/transition was bordering on terrible and that is what I noticed the most:
The time was lost, there was no grasping the past mistakes,
Tried talking it out but no-one could ever damn relate,
The frustration was fading, Erased all of his damaged states,
and rose from the ashes with plans of getting a family raised,
For me a story like this needs to have an impactful impression on the reader or be technically exceptional, and for the most part it didn't capture either of those areas too well. Overall this was a good attempt, but I wanted more from this. Thank you for the drop bro.

Overall this was an ok battle. I think there is plenty of room to grow with you two, but there is definitely potential for better pieces to come out. Keep it up and don't get comfortable :)
MVGT MMLP for the more sound and better executed verse. Good job guys.

[sral]

MMLP WINS!