Vividlyvague 0-0 vs Sovereign 0-0 - VIVID 5-2

[sral]

Week AOWL Season V, Week 11


SUMMARY OF RULES:

Verses are due
Tuesday at 9 p.m. Pacific/West Coast or Tuesday 11:59 PM Eastern / 6:00 AM Wednesday Central European/London
There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Friday at 4:00 p.m. Western / or Friday 7:00 PM Eastern / 1:00 AM Saturday Central European/London Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.

All competitors must vote on THREE battles and post links/ references in the voting thread.

Read the full rules here! (http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=119848)



Topic: http://i0.wp.com/www.fiz-x.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/01/Quotes-33.jpg

G/Luck

Sovereign Vividlyvague

[e11even]

Hi.
http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=121247
http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?p=538939&posted=1#post538939
http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=121246
http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=121242&page=2
http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=121244
http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=121245

[Sovereign]

Sup fam

[Sovereign]

(The text below is my entry for Week 11 of Season V the AOWL Topical League, entitled "Baby Steps." Its sole author is Sovereign, and is 48 lines long on this website. It has been edited several times, in a manner conforming to the regulations of the AOWL, to correct formatting errors.)

~~~

Part I. Singularity. Meet David. 22 years ancient and alone in the basement
Trapped in an odorous stasis, surrounded by soda in danger
of being used to wash down a load of his Lay’s chips
In total enslavement to motionless gaming,
Living with mom means he don’t miss a payment
Thought himself an adult cause life was over in grade six
Subsisting without personal effort, the work of depression
But one day while pondering his worthless profession
He asked, “How can one become a permanent legend,
When his travels follow arrows of uncertain direction?”
A quarrel started, pitting lazy habits versus redemption
Its remnant light cast basement stairs as perfect ascension

Part II. Zenith. David started ten years ago, now the plan was complete
The thesis for his Master’s degree made other graduates weep
He had a savage disease, always studied without adequate leave
Who cares about damned inner peace? He knew what he had to achieve
At his interview with DynCorp, he was Candidate Three
Every question he answered with ease, to hear the manager speak:
He said, “I have to agree, you’re good at graphing machines
And doing math and physics, and such challenging things”
This was a massive release! A decade of work to see his battle succeed!

Ten years ago he started walking with a vision of life
He didn’t know what he expected but he’d finished the climb
Now the steps had brought him where no other men had arrived!

Part III. Exultant. Danny had a job, a family, and a married wife
He’d reached the first floor on the stairs of life
But to his shock he found others on every side
He asked, “Who else made this heavy climb?”
Their reply: “You’re nothing special, one of many guys
Who’ve fulfilled the obligations of beginning life
You’ve grown up now, Danny, you’ve become an adult
You thought that made you special? You’re utterly wrong
Look at the steps you’ve climbed up, a hundred in all
Do you want to reach the top? Still the summit is far
At the bottom, you could only see the glum of the dark”
Then Danny stared at the ceiling and in golden letters
Were engraved in shining beauty the words “A LEGEND”
A thousand levels to reach it and the floors were endless
He tried to climb the stairs but his strength was gone,
So he returned to the first set of steps and sobbed.

Part IV. Coalescent. To my dear, loving, wife, if you are reading this, I have just taken my own life. I am deeply sorry to tell you this, but after intense introspection of my life, I have realized that I have hardly accomplished anything. I leave all I own to you.

-Daniel M. Johnson

[e11even]

4:00 PM Monday... School was just let out.
That morning he asked his Mom and she'd just let him know now.
This was the address... slum on the west... Shoeless kids and bums abound.
Graffiti-riddled... This place was the start of his pugilist fouls.
"I wanna have your kids."
"... have juniors running around the house?"
His Mom told him the stories precursing his coming about.
There he stood, base of the stoop, counting it down.
-will he even acknowledge me?- curious, he peered in the house.
A white door, NBC peacock window, sunlight easing the shroud.
fuck. This is a waste of time. He wouldn't need me around...
He started to leave the bottom step, still listening for sounds.
No indication of life, so he headed back to his side of town...

"I promise, he will always love you."

4:00 am Tuesday... The cell was ringing extra.
He picked up thinking half-way house, but this was way better.
"Marcus, he came by yesterday. Did you hear him? "
" Nah, but I pulled a double, so I wasn't here for the message. "
Damn. I missed him again. it's hard to learn a lesson,
When chance is your courier and fate is your last indiscretion.
10 years. How do you make up for that?? His conscience posed the question.
Armed robbery can put a damper on family progression...
But that's the irony.He got back to ironing, shower,and dressing.
Getting ready for the interview of his life, for him life-threatening...

"I promise, we will find each other again. "

7:00 am Tuesday... Harold's breakfast in the caf.
-i better start focusing on these A's or Mom is breaking my ass... -
A sense of urgency came over him while eating his hash.
"Harold Jackson please report to Guidance Counselor Vance."
He hurried the sausage, gulped the oj, and dashed...
No Way I'm in trouble... Did staff find that stink bomb in the trash??
2nd floor... Each step was like he was taking his last...
Thoughts wandering with thisominous tension, heart beating fast...
A figure stood at the top of the stairs. Tears welled up and, "Dad!!"
Was what Marcus had hoped for, but surprise stopped Harold's advance.

"Marcus, give him time. Take the first step... "

They met and shook hands.
Both smiling with a timid excitement, tears finally land.
"HI."
"Hey."
It was all they hoped for. Now they both had their second chance.
Don't let your boy grow up a fatherless man.

[Dearg]

Sovereign, definitely a different style than the style I used this week but not far from the style I normally write. I just figured I'd fuck around with the topic I had since I wasn't liking it. Anyways. I liked the story and your rhyme scheme was nice. I feel like your internal rhyming could've been heavier, but your external rhymes were on point. I seems your prime focus was the story so you give and take technically. That's fine. I enjoyed this from start to finish. Keep writing.

Vivid, this was also nice. I don't feel like your writing was as cleanly polished as Sovereign's but I feel like you held your ground in the story department. Your rhyme scheme could've been more exciting and your wording could've been smoother at times but overall it was still an enjoyable read.

It almost felt like a short story battle instead of a topical battle lol. Yes. You both had rhyme schemes but were both way more into your story telling than anything.

Vote Sovereign for the more polished read. Cool battle.

[zygote]

I kind of disliked the submission by Sovereign. The main character was not interesting, which would have been OK if the message of the story had been interesting instead. But the message was also not interesting - basically just a spin on the 'life is hard' thing with no different insight, comment or anything else to make it fun to read for me. It had good rhyming but it was all very bland - the character was just a strawman and his mental health issues were left unexplored. Basically, I couldn't become involved in either the character or the message - it likely needed to have one or both to work better - because they were not that interesting. I appreciate the effort and skill it must have took to write, but I didn't enjoy reading your submission that much.

Good story and message from Vivdlyvague - the idea behind your writing only became apparent at the very end but that was good. The character development at the start was good and helped for the emotional pay off at the end. I also enjoyed the moralising with the words "Don't let your boy grow up a fatherless man" - it wasn't too over the top. You paced your story very well here - the last parts were excellent - and the absentee father's little thoughts/unspoken promises (the things in italics throughout) were an excellent device to break up the story. You didn't rhyme as well as your competitor but I think you easily captured my attention and imagination better. Your actual message wasn't very novel but you had good substance to your writing. Voting for Vivdlyvague.

[Mr. J]

Sovereign your verse was an interesting read to say the least
you really impressed me with the editing that you took to make this piece
I feel as though you may have cut out some important areas of the plot
perhaps even taken out character development to use the power of your vocab
your flow is quite impressive as well building the story in a eloquent fashion
I enjoy it but I really want more from it than what was presented...
regardless this was a nice verse aside from the use of dialogue

Vivid, its been awhile since Ive seen you around these parts
its nice to see you back, your verse comes across very well written
you draw off your topic and it presents itself as an interesting idea
regardless I feel like you built a great story and made use of your style
I was kind of thrown off by the middle verse & didnt know what I was reading
either way I feel like this was a fun piece, nice work brah

v/I feel as though both writers are evenly matched here, making it an interesting battle
sovereign seems new to me but he came with a very appropriate verse against his opponent
I feel with all the editing he may have done he dropped the character development for his verses outcome
which is an all around great verse, but suffers from leading me astray until the end
Vivid on the other hand was equally impressive & showcases an ever growing style
basically mirroring his opponent,I feel Vivid made better use of his concept of the topic
his verse came across easier on the eyes as while Sovereigns dialogue made me cringe
regardless nice battle fellas


v/Vividly

[asylum]

fuck this was a really difficult battle to vote on for me. i really enjoyed vivids story.

/v soverign just came to sick with it.kinda outrhymed vivid. although both stories were entertaining... sovereign's flow was so legit. rhymes were sick. whole product was just a little bit more appealing for me. usually i do not like formatting but i think the different colors and text editing worked in his advantage this time, strangely enough.

great battle tho. a few more inners for vivid would've gave him the /v, in all honesty. tough vote.

[NYCSPITZ]

Vote vivid. I sort of just wince at how bad some of sovereign's shit is. And it's not even hate vote, like big baby used to sapm me with, it's just realistic. Let's unwrap the first bar:


Part I. Singularity. Meet David. 22 years ancient and alone in the basement
Trapped in an odorous stasis, surrounded by soda in danger

It had potential to be dope until surrounded by soda in danger. that's the most forced concept I've ever heard in my life. Please defend your (super)ego and tell me this was a keystyle.

Living with mom means he don’t miss a payment
Thought himself an adult cause life was over in grade six

yea, you probably thought this added some great depth but it was horrible. No 6th grader has the emotional depth to reach that conclusion unless he was deluded, and even if that's your premise it's just a horrible beginning to the story.

He asked, “How can one become a permanent legend,
When his travels follow arrows of uncertain direction?”

I don't mean ot be a dick, but the bold seems lame as fuck to me.

A quarrel started, pitting lazy habits versus redemption
Its remnant light cast basement stairs as perfect ascension

that's just the worst metaphor i've ever seen. the remnant light of his redemption casts a perfect ascension up his warcraft 6 nerd basement stairs? Trying to add profundity to the lame and absurd doesn't work.

David started ten years ago, now the plan was complete
The thesis for his Master’s degree made other graduates weep

I lol'd but no, this was weak

He had a savage disease, always studied without adequate leave

^^^ the sign of a true idiot. What is he taking leave from, school? You mean work? lmfao, what the fuck is this 3rd grade shit???

Who cares about damned inner peace? He knew what he had to achieve
At his interview with DynCorp, he was Candidate Three

^^^ Garbage. Sounds forced and even the company name sounds weak. He was candidate 3 out of what, 5? 10? 1,000? You leave the context ambiguous because you're lazy and intellectually slovenly. Also damned inner peace is so forced.

He said, “I have to agree, you’re good at graphing machines
And doing math and physics, and such challenging things”

^^^ u dont make too much $$ do u? bc it's obvious you've never been to an interview.

This was a massive release! A decade of work to see his battle succeed!

Ten years ago he started walking with a vision of life
He didn’t know what he expected but he’d finished the climb
Now the steps had brought him where no other men had arrived!

^^ STOP USING EXCLAMATION MARKS SO BUNCHED TOGETHER. GOOD WRITERS DONT DO THAT EVEN MEH MEDIOCRE ONES DON'T. But yeah this was just a bland piece accentuated by your lack of writing acumen re. the consecutive exclamations.

^^^ lmao childish and a horrible use of exclamation marks really

The last part was so wack and unprofound that I'm just not going to comment. I'm sure you'll complain to lars like the insecure individual I can sense you are, but maybe not. Maybe you'll be a man and not give a fuck what a superior writer thinks of your work which undoubtedly is "your first in a while" or "if I'd been doing this forever I'd be even better than u!" Nope. This was just wack all around and I could tell 50% of the league wrote better than u since freshamn year in high school. Sorry if this is mean I just usually don't vote realistically so as not to hurt feelings but I respect your bluntness in my verse so I decided to reciprocate; no hate whatsoever and I mean that.

Vividlyvague:

I thought this was dope. I could do without some of the bold and italics (which I used to do too) but it was far more coherent and held better writing than your opponent's by miles. I didn't think the imaginary "dad!" thing was good it was iight but just seemed lame to me. The ending bars made up for it. Good verse, beat your opponent by miles, acres and eons.

v/ Vividly vague

[YDK]

Vote vivid

For not swaying complaining or arguing voters opinions

Quit that shit sov, wait till after the battle closes to argue points you may not have written clearly enough in your verse

[sral]

4-1 Vividly is up!
Sovereign please keep those kind of posts out of the battle threads.

I do this as a favour to you all, I'm not here to play babysitter and clean up a mess you're old enough to know not to make!

[Razah]

Sovereign
"surrounded by soda in danger"

Huh- That shit made no sense to me, and it's only the second bar in. :/

Besides that, the first part was pretty smooth. Part 2, smooth as well.

Cool little story, I like how you broke it down into parts. Besides that random soda shit, everything was really smooth for me. Also, why did it go from David to Danny?

Vividlyvague.
Another cool story. I have no issues with the verse, actually thought it was pretty solid. I really appreciate both verses, story telling is something I haven't really dabbled in but can appreciate. Good job guys.


On to the vote.. Both had enjoyable stories, and I liked both verses. Neither had "stand out" lines or anything like that, and they were both very solidly written, but I feel like Sovereign's flow/rhyme scheme just made it so much easier to read. Off that alone, I have to vote for him. If V.V. would have had a better flow on his, this would've been a lot harder to vote on.


vSovereign

[Spoken]

Sov- nice story and so forth but I didn't hmget how the story really correlated with one another plus the topic given... I felt it was a stretch u were writing towards and then the random word usages u were throwing in was like for rhyme sake. Being metaphorical helps if it makes send but if its for rhyme sake then u need to dead that shit.

Vivid- nice story and message. It was steady and developed an intriguing outlook as a reader. It gave insight towards what u were shooting for. The flaw I hated was the flow of things... it had some up and downs to the rhyme game u were using and made it some what irritable but tolerable for the stories sake nah mean.

V/ Viv

[sral]

Viv wins!