Sovereign
10-09-2015, 09:15 PM
comments/refutations in blue.
Part I. Singularity. Meet David. 22 years ancient and alone in the basement
Trapped in an odorous stasis, surrounded by soda in danger
It had potential to be dope until surrounded by soda in danger. that's the most forced concept I've ever heard in my life. Please defend your (super)ego and tell me this was a keystyle.
Not a keystyle. Admittedly the concept is forced.
Living with mom means he don’t miss a payment
Thought himself an adult cause life was over in grade six
I didn't say that he came to that conclusion while he was in 6th grade. I meant that his extreme introversion and depression had begun by then. If you had realized that this section was about that, you might have realized it.
He asked, “How can one become a permanent legend,
When his travels follow arrows of uncertain direction?”
I don't mean ot be a dick, but the bold seems lame as fuck to me.
Fair enough.
David started ten years ago, now the plan was complete
The thesis for his Master’s degree made other graduates weep
I lol'd but no, this was weak
The rhyming was admittedly bad.
He had a savage disease, always studied without adequate leave
^^^ the sign of a true idiot. What is he taking leave from, school? You mean work? lmfao, what the fuck is this 3rd grade shit???
As in, he studied constantly all of the time. Nikola Tesla workaholic type shit. Didn't stop to go to frat parties or bullshit.
Who cares about damned inner peace? He knew what he had to achieve
At his interview with DynCorp, he was Candidate Three
^^^ Garbage. Sounds forced and even the company name sounds weak. He was candidate 3 out of what, 5? 10? 1,000? You leave the context ambiguous because you're lazy and intellectually slovenly. Also damned inner peace is so forced.
The latter two complaints are valid... but... DYNCORP IS A REAL COMPANY YOU GALACTIC SIZED DUMBASS. http://www.dyn-intl.com/ https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DynCorp
He said, “I have to agree, you’re good at graphing machines
And doing math and physics, and such challenging things”
^^^ u dont make too much $$ do u? bc it's obvious you've never been to an interview.
This is true.
This was a massive release! A decade of work to see his battle succeed!
Ten years ago he started walking with a vision of life
He didn’t know what he expected but he’d finished the climb
Now the steps had brought him where no other men had arrived!
^^ STOP USING EXCLAMATION MARKS SO BUNCHED TOGETHER. GOOD WRITERS DONT DO THAT EVEN MEH MEDIOCRE ONES DON'T. But yeah this was just a bland piece accentuated by your lack of writing acumen re. the consecutive exclamations.
^^^ lmao childish and a horrible use of exclamation marks really
The last part was so wack and unprofound that I'm just not going to comment. I'm sure you'll complain to lars like the insecure individual I can sense you are, but maybe not. Maybe you'll be a man and not give a fuck what a superior writer thinks of your work which undoubtedly is "your first in a while" or "if I'd been doing this forever I'd be even better than u!" Nope. This was just wack all around and I could tell 50% of the league wrote better than u since freshamn year in high school. Sorry if this is mean I just usually don't vote realistically so as not to hurt feelings but I respect your bluntness in my verse so I decided to reciprocate; no hate whatsoever and I mean that.
It's not mean. It's just stupid.
btw, I respect your vote. Even though it's insanely obvious why you have a battle record in the red and massively negative rep. It's a free country, you have the right to say stupid bullshit
Hate aside, many of your complaints are perfectly valid, and in fact I'm even okay with the rude tone up to a point. The problem is that many of the "problems" you mentioned were apparent to you only because you obviously didn't understand a fairly clear part of the work, or because you have an idiosyncratic sense of "how a verse should be written" which others obviously do not agree on.
Part I. Singularity. Meet David. 22 years ancient and alone in the basement
Trapped in an odorous stasis, surrounded by soda in danger
It had potential to be dope until surrounded by soda in danger. that's the most forced concept I've ever heard in my life. Please defend your (super)ego and tell me this was a keystyle.
Not a keystyle. Admittedly the concept is forced.
Living with mom means he don’t miss a payment
Thought himself an adult cause life was over in grade six
I didn't say that he came to that conclusion while he was in 6th grade. I meant that his extreme introversion and depression had begun by then. If you had realized that this section was about that, you might have realized it.
He asked, “How can one become a permanent legend,
When his travels follow arrows of uncertain direction?”
I don't mean ot be a dick, but the bold seems lame as fuck to me.
Fair enough.
David started ten years ago, now the plan was complete
The thesis for his Master’s degree made other graduates weep
I lol'd but no, this was weak
The rhyming was admittedly bad.
He had a savage disease, always studied without adequate leave
^^^ the sign of a true idiot. What is he taking leave from, school? You mean work? lmfao, what the fuck is this 3rd grade shit???
As in, he studied constantly all of the time. Nikola Tesla workaholic type shit. Didn't stop to go to frat parties or bullshit.
Who cares about damned inner peace? He knew what he had to achieve
At his interview with DynCorp, he was Candidate Three
^^^ Garbage. Sounds forced and even the company name sounds weak. He was candidate 3 out of what, 5? 10? 1,000? You leave the context ambiguous because you're lazy and intellectually slovenly. Also damned inner peace is so forced.
The latter two complaints are valid... but... DYNCORP IS A REAL COMPANY YOU GALACTIC SIZED DUMBASS. http://www.dyn-intl.com/ https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/DynCorp
He said, “I have to agree, you’re good at graphing machines
And doing math and physics, and such challenging things”
^^^ u dont make too much $$ do u? bc it's obvious you've never been to an interview.
This is true.
This was a massive release! A decade of work to see his battle succeed!
Ten years ago he started walking with a vision of life
He didn’t know what he expected but he’d finished the climb
Now the steps had brought him where no other men had arrived!
^^ STOP USING EXCLAMATION MARKS SO BUNCHED TOGETHER. GOOD WRITERS DONT DO THAT EVEN MEH MEDIOCRE ONES DON'T. But yeah this was just a bland piece accentuated by your lack of writing acumen re. the consecutive exclamations.
^^^ lmao childish and a horrible use of exclamation marks really
The last part was so wack and unprofound that I'm just not going to comment. I'm sure you'll complain to lars like the insecure individual I can sense you are, but maybe not. Maybe you'll be a man and not give a fuck what a superior writer thinks of your work which undoubtedly is "your first in a while" or "if I'd been doing this forever I'd be even better than u!" Nope. This was just wack all around and I could tell 50% of the league wrote better than u since freshamn year in high school. Sorry if this is mean I just usually don't vote realistically so as not to hurt feelings but I respect your bluntness in my verse so I decided to reciprocate; no hate whatsoever and I mean that.
It's not mean. It's just stupid.
btw, I respect your vote. Even though it's insanely obvious why you have a battle record in the red and massively negative rep. It's a free country, you have the right to say stupid bullshit
Hate aside, many of your complaints are perfectly valid, and in fact I'm even okay with the rude tone up to a point. The problem is that many of the "problems" you mentioned were apparent to you only because you obviously didn't understand a fairly clear part of the work, or because you have an idiosyncratic sense of "how a verse should be written" which others obviously do not agree on.