Mr. J vs Spoken - MR J 4-0

[sral]

AOWL Season V, Week 12


SUMMARY OF RULES:

Verses are due
Tuesday at 9 p.m. Pacific/West Coast or Tuesday 11:59 PM Eastern / 6:00 AM Wednesday Central European/London
There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Friday at 4:00 p.m. Western / or Friday 7:00 PM Eastern / 1:00 AM Saturday Central European/London Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.

All competitors must vote on THREE battles and post links/ references in the voting thread.

Read the full rules here!



Topic: In every age we laugh at the costume of our fathers.
Alfred de Vigny

[Spoken]

Check

[Mr. J]

Topic: In every age we laugh at the costume of our fathers.
Alfred de Vigny

those words would echo in my head as the following days passed...
the memory was poison & I couldn't find it in me to stay back.
staring into a pool of yesterdays weather, snapping back to reality
eventually the wind picked up sending me inside, far from humanity
each step put pressure on the suspense that had already filled the air
removing each shoe I felt a sense of relief; the presence, still aware.
a life filled with error, the ministry offered a way to correct paths
after many years of the humility he experienced, he stepped back.
taking it upon himself to baptize the wicked with his own holy act
without holding back he had a mental breakdown in a Yogi mask.
a pair of hedge-clippers, his clerical collar and a butchers apron
with years full of retribution, one wonders what it took to cave in
his mothers farm had a barn that was renovated with a basement
the pain in the woman that raised him, once thinking he was amazing
how wrong she would be now, life's upside down and all topsy turvy
with a sudden crash of a vase; it didn't stop me from worrying
blindsided with a blade into the side, I let out a scream of anguish
becoming angered I swing my elbow only to hit bloodstained brick..
my arm becomes numb as I gain composure looking for my assailant
darkness invades the room, eventually the adrenaline starts to weigh in
following the drops of blood left from the blade I found a secret entrance.
a false wall that opened leading me deeper into a hole with no other exits..
unsnapping my holster, I time each step prepared for any more surprises
laughter echos through the corridor; footsteps rush among the silence..
...unaware. I sneak behind him & whisper Police...
he muttered how?
I replied in laughter father....I'm smarter than the average bear

[Spoken]

See...


It was like yesterday when we traded our views,
Photosynthesis walls for our eyes to accrue.
It was then that we decided to share points in this latter,
Felt the coffee grain skin has evaded this matter.
Aroma of a thousand days pact in each sip we would take,
Harlequin waves parading us across our troubled estate.
...of course u knew better but to what extent was the debate,
Cause at the darkest hours I'd wake hoping u'd leave me dreams I could chase.
Often I find myself alone in a room sweeping the loom,
No Mario love found cause I was even smaller than shrooms.
Never tasted a tainted sin nor found grips to with hold,
Only a mother who wanted other things in my life to have grown.
Like the first time for everything code or tree house built,
Instead it was degradable talk of how my father could never find will.
Back and forth traveling; a pack rat I had lived,
While this echo serenaded " how your father never did shit".
Bravest of 4 he left Cuba to mourn a father he had by the gun,
History was to never repeat so he wanted better go his son.
Got us our of the country preventing such acts to occur,
Moms being a brothel host and fronting hard out on the curb.
So to me he did what he did and he did it for sake,
That my mom and I could live in peace; his family safe.


So laugh all u want but u should kno the truth,
My dad sacrificed his life go us- would yours do that for you?!

[YDK]

Mr j
I had to read your verse 3 times to catch on to everything because at first it read as 2 verses put together until I realized the setting was created from the beginning and I had just overlooked it lol this was a cool drop, son vs father; criminal vs cop; i just got done watching the latest Gotham episode and it felt like it could have very well been an episode in it so that's cool that it has that kinda morbid yet ironic sense of humor to it. I always have trouble with the dark/twisted type storylines myself so it makes them more appreciated from me because they're harder for me to create. The flow really picked up about halfway through which is part of the reason it felt as 2 separateverses at first but i enjoyed the progression and switch up alot.
Solid drop man

Spoken
As with the majority of your pieces this has a tight knit flow from the start and the verbiage was above average. As with Mr J's I had to read your verse a few times also to catch it all. The beginning left me with a description lacking just a bit and wondering if they were on a raft or boat crossing to America from Cuba or if that was somethin the parents did. I understood the rest of it clearly enough that was just my initial question with the setting. Other than that I really enjoyed this piece and it read quickly with that flow. The question at the end was a nice touch too because alot of times the questions don't really make me question shit but with my own issues with my actual father nearly abandoning me after my mom passed it was a question I almost wanted to answer with a bold NO right off the top lol
Overall this was a dope battle with two vets that I think have both done stronger verses in the past but seemed to be rushed or maybe just uncertain of your own concepts until you really got into the verses lol
But for this battle I gotta go with Mr J's verse based on the fact it had a slightly more clear setting from the start. Dope battle guys

Vote Mr j

[e11even]

Mr. J- you had me, then lost me, then had me again. I think I might take a page from your book on the whole no quotations thing. But me aside, I thought this was kinda cool. The final line didn't quite resonate with me perhaps how I would imagine it was supposed to, but I like the literal spin you put on the quote. The technical aspect didn't shine as much as I know you for, but as a standalone piece it was a sound drop. The parts where you lost me were the perspective shifts between the protagonist and antagonist. It was like a game of 'wait for it... wait for it...' where I was waiting for just enough details to develop to gather a proper understanding of what was going on. Lol maybe that's how it is reading my shit. What a hoot. Anyways, good job J.

Spoken- this would have been a great read, had it not had so much weird wording and autocorrect errors. I feel as though from one line to the next, the possibilities were greater for this to be a nice cohesive work if one technique in flow was consistent. I saw some lines that were like "ohhhhh shit, he about ta go off" then it completely abandoned that arrangement the very next line. Maybe you haven't developed that part of your writing yet or you rushed the narrative, but what I learned is subject matter, flow, and language are a package deal. The moment that that is not your agenda, you stand the immediate chance of a landslide loss. All that said and subtracted, I liked the intention and the subject matter and I appreciate the final thought. It was very in-your-face and IMO added a little angst and authenticity to what you were doing. Good job.

Both these gladiators went the storied route this go-round and both had somewhat compelling daddy stories. I think Mr. J stuck more to the topic, but I liked Spoken's subject matter more, as it felt a little more personal and authentic. My final decision came down to who brought more of the total package to this battle and that seemed a bit more obvious here. MVGT Mr. J

[Frank]

MR J

Looney ending, almost like a retarded eureka moment LOL Your Verse had a good focused lenses behind it but it got a little shaky 3/4th of the way through, before steadying again. ADD free verse son LOL, I could tell you wrote this with a net flick free concentration, but turned on the netflicks 3/4th of the way through LOL. Clarity is improving though. Thanks for the read.

Spoken

One of your primary strengths is your use of emotion. One of your primary weaknesses is spelling. This creates an effective unison, though. It's almost like you are writing on pure emotion while bypassing all the technical aspects of it. You have a brash way of wording things, though. It is a distinct attribute you have, though. A lot of your writing is vulnerable subject matter, with ties to family. It always has your own personal touch that is inherently your own. I think you are on the brink of a classic emotional tale, you just haven't quite accomplished that yet.

MVGT Mr. J

[Adonis]

Longer version in mag

Spoken with the auto correct errors or some typos at least. J is just to consistent. Can't say I thought either did amazing, but the errors really decided this for me.

V j