Week 16: Ullr vs. Rakontur - (Ullr)

[Vulgar]

LGPA Season 1: Week 16

Ullr Rakontur

Every match from last week will be a rematch since the voting has been a bit slow. Two battles ended in a tie, and YDK and Frank are slated to rematch as well.

Check ins: Thursday (Midnight Eastern time)
Poems Due: Friday (Midnight Eastern time)
Votes due: Sunday (Midnight Eastern time)


Topic:

Topic thread.


Good luck.

[Woke]

namaste

[Ullr]

You posting tonight friend?

My verse is ready for posting

[Ullr]

http://img02.deviantart.net/8dfb/i/2015/157/9/8/the_clockwork_wimble_by_eccentricteatime-d8w7ye3.jpg

There in a workshop so filled with such wonder
gadgets and trinkets which one might pilfer and plunder
Amid suits of armor, swords, a trove of toys and tomes
she's fearful of kids who might destroy her home
for as they frolic and play, they cause such dismay!
they knock over plates and for them offer no pay!
so Elle scans the halls with a precision sharper than laser's sight
eyes almost beaming as she carves through the hazy light
searching for anomalies, any displacement
Glinting gold statuettes shining prismatic
carrying a tray of faberge as she climbs to the attic
dusty, musk scented, she slides with the platter
and places it atop stalwart desk, she smiles with some laughter
then swiftly she returns back and down the side of the ladder
her feet touch the floor as she hears the silence of matter
standing idle, undisturbed, but her mind is racing
"Time is wasting!" she reminds her paintings
and shuffles to the window and its golden glow
the sun setting high over the hills, she knows it so
feathery plume in hand, combats her olden foe
the dust that settles as the years progress
she cleans it all spotless, a mirror's fluoresce
reflecting the room and all that's near to her chest
her fluttering heart steady throbbing and thumping
but nearly stops dead as something from the top comes'a'tumbling
warm, rosy cheeks wet from tears as she stops at the dumpstert
one single casualty, a ceramic ball she had dropped
an unforgivable sin, as it seems
but she holds imprisoned her screams
again silently through the door and back up into her dreams.

[Woke]

Short breaths yet long and winded
Folks said we couldn't go til dinners finished
pshhh, even squash was squashed
Ate it all, from utensils to the cloth
Off to bed without a peep
didn't even have to be told to brush my teeth
I toss and turn until it's light
Anxiety controlled me through the night
After all, happiness is the goal
And as for this soul...Melting snow
Each step a speeding bullet towards the glow
Not a hue, but a beam illuminating our window
It contains a dream of dreams
From train casting out screams
To a nutcracker flailing bout free
If just for one cold winter day
Kids rule, grabbing gifts and flay
Wrapping paper tossed away
Parents here my screams and jostle wide awake
Ecstatic for the day but now it's clear
that for the rest of this entire year
My folks bought my love
paid for by their sweat and tears

[Ullr]

I'm headed to sleep, I am expecting the same story of an opponent dropping after me dropping a verse twice the length of mine but eh, I wrote a good verse and I need some sleep.

I literally don't think I've had someone post first against me yet, maybe like once, it is pretty annoying when each time I get verses that are waaay longer than mine and I lose even on content alone just because of the length difference.

No biggie. I'm cool with it. Peace gents

[Woke]

cool story bro but I posted first last week

did I complain about you not so much as logging in? a simple check and I would have posted within the hour, that's how I roll

but I don't complain or sway, just write and vote

[Vulgar]

I'm headed to sleep, I am expecting the same story of an opponent dropping after me dropping a verse twice the length of mine but eh, I wrote a good verse and I need some sleep.

I literally don't think I've had someone post first against me yet, maybe like once, it is pretty annoying when each time I get verses that are waaay longer than mine and I lose even on content alone just because of the length difference.

No biggie. I'm cool with it. Peace gents

The solution to this is simple, just PM me your submission and I will post in this thread that I have your verse ready to post.

This is always an option.

[Vulgar]

Ullr - You defined that picture perfectly. This was a really enjoyable write. I also liked the versatile word injections you had here, i.e. Faberge, stalwart, statuettes, and fluoresce. It's not a favorable attitude towards big words which I'm highlighting here. These are words with long histories, offering a gush of culture and an olden feel to them; antiques, in a way. The fact that they were used in a straightforward storytelling piece about an OCD shopkeeper at an almost magical trinket emporium, was charming. Good instincts for language and diction. I would say, at times, your tone of voice does slip into a mode where it seems just regular - followed by intervals where the content ups its own ante and it flows much better in certain spots. You aren't a hot and cold writer, not what I'm getting at, but there are moments where the surface can be chunky.

"dusty, musk scented, she slides with the platter
and places it atop stalwart desk, she smiles with some laughter"

For example, in these two lines, a "platter" is introduced. I didn't think the rhyme scheme was as sharp or pertinent as in other sections, IMO. All in all though, a nice read.

Rakontur - This reminded me of a bashful stanza one would find in a Christmas card for rebellious children, or, written by a rebellious child. There were clever instances in it, conveying a holiday warmth that was convincing. The notes were light; nothing heavy, with a slight stress on the notion of the coming-of-age and independence in the household. Some of the rhyming didn't tickle my fancy, but you guys insist on rhymin' so whatever (lol). A decent submission which could very well be turned into a customized holiday card with a little tweaking.

My vote goes to Ullr for a poem that felt more complete.

[Vulgar]

Ullr wins 1-0.