3-2 Frank vs. 2-1 Witty - WITTY 6-1

[Adonis]

AOWL Season V, Week 13


SUMMARY OF RULES:

Verses are due
Tuesday at 9 P.M. Pacific/West Coast or Tuesday 11:59 PM Eastern / 6:00 AM Wednesday Central European/London
There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Friday at 4:00 p.m. Western / or Friday 7:00 PM Eastern / 1:00 AM Saturday Central European/London Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.

All competitors must vote on THREE battles

Read the full rules here! (http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=119848)

Topic:
http://i.imgur.com/rpaB4vM.jpg


G/Luck Frank Witty

[Witty]

Hi.

[Frank]

...

[Frank]

February 14th, 1892, Mississippi


Mrs. Miller: the Masters Wife, overhear a commotion coming from the Villages Sycamore tree: A belligerent bicker
She finish washing the dishes, rinsing her finger, wiping her hand off on her promiscuous figure
It is Valentines Day on the Plantation - Her husband, he impotent, he ain't intimate with her
She got her eye on one of the Slaves. A Man she fell for and began beginning to picture
A Chiseled Digger: who gained enough respect from his Master to sit with them for dinner
Her eyes pretty; hinted with glimmer;; eyelashes inconspicuously flickered;;
And she became smitten, to the surprise of her ignorant sister.
"Mam that was mighty delicious'" He say, licking his lips of the greasy giblets and gizzard
Master look at his wife: who is blushing crimson in the candlelight's cinnamon wicker
Master smiled with his tickling whisker, and laugh it off with a discriminate vigor
The Crowd became delirious with pitch forks: as she walked past the picket fence - brisk in her slippers
After fixing a big dinner, Master is dozing off:
As The Slave & Misses Miller sipped Moonshine, illicit liquor
The two drink until Misses Millers inhibitions sliver away and her dress inched up on her promiscuous figure
The Slave lay her down on the Cotton bed.
He was Master most diligent picker...
Sweat glittered off his body, as they ripped at each others clothing, stripping, and kissing
He lifted her into a position, she ain't never been in, and she orgasm; twitching, she whimpers
Misses Miller is trying to get through the crowd, She can only see them - rigging the rigger
She gets onto her tippy-toes - trying to keep her balance, but is knocked down by an inconsiderate sprinter
The sound of whipping sends a chill up her spine - a sinister shiver
"What's going on?" She asks innocently to a man with a white hood with eyes and mouth symmetrically scissored..
Mrs. Miller and the Slave kiss until there lips blister and lay there in her Grandfather clocks rhythmic ticker...
She rides the slave until her inner gripper quivers - and closes her eyes, dim, and then dimmer
When she awakes the Slave is gone.
Blood is trickling from her - It is her period: she hadn't missed it -
The Crowd gets bigger and bigger.
The Master wakes up in the morning to the Slave zipping his zipper
"Boy what you still doing here? You finnah get killed!" The Master say, pointing his gun, finger fidgeting on his trigger
"Mister, I was a just leaving'' he say, limping like a pimp, hip switching,
Mrs. Miller can see the Sycamore tree: The Mob - but not the victim
Her Sister comes out of nowhere - tripping in to her,
the two get squished into the bitter
Thick of things
"BOY don't you know you're forbidden" Master had out bidded for him over the most malicious of bidders
Mrs. Miller, lie there asleep, completely in differ
"You risking your life" Master say: putting his gun down with the most lividest temper
The Sycamore Tree branch limb gets limber and limber
The body hanging from the branch: twistingly withers
The Crowd grimace and snicker
The body gets stricter and stiffer
Mrs. Miller make her way to the front, watching the Man kicking, kicking, kicking - he kicks her
When, from behind her, the slickest of whispers...
"Happy Valentine Day"
It is the Slave. Grinning, Soaking wet from swimming off into the Mississippi river
They watch on, as the Master - Lynches some nigger


The end.

[Witty]

The gallows send shivers, from my head to my feet
The frozen frame, chilling, standing dead in the street
Many a men has stepped within, just to end in defeat
In plain view of family and friends as they weep
It makes mice of men, causing a menace to squeak
It's physique is immense and lends it mystique
When the son has lied, this beast defeats his mother's pride
The gates of hell, where the deceased can reach the other side
Demons await on it's step, with the sharp sickle swinging
Career criminal's doom, where the sharks sink from swimming.

I almost met my fate already, I was supposed to choke
But my appeal team came through and postponed the rope
I don't recall my crime, and papers defining it are hard to find
And still to this day, my freedom is reliant on the smartest mind
I hate that feeling of dread that fills me when they draw the line
I feel like they created a game from me, to play in the rain
I was born to die, any attempt to delay is in vain
Why do they mock me, making me wait for my fate, and relief
When I finally go, and my bitter last moments give way to the grief
They play god with my final days, guess work with my demise
Yet the person trying to save me, is the person I despise
His ego expects victory, but his history predicts failure
I wish he'd just quit, free me from the cell of this sick jailer
The man who puts my head in the rope, pulling it tight
His opponent his failing, just another fool in a fight
The hangman serves the day, but is the ruler of night
And when your losing your life...
His face is blank..all emotion removed from his sight.

The wind picks up, I look down to my children's eyes
Natalie is strong as always, but little baby Dillon cries
Confusion reigns in his face, as I struggle through the strain
Say sorry I couldn't hug him, tell him I love him through the rain
I tell my daughter she needs strength, a warrior's persistence
Take care of her family, and lead a glorious existence
My wife can barely look in my gray and sullen face
I talk a silent speech to God, for her I pray for sun and grace
Give her everything she wants, and maybe love's embrace
Never let her be lonely, give her someone saintly...someone chaste
Pure, like her soul, to take great joy in the midst of her aura
Let them journey, visit the corner of earth, witness auroras
Just give her, her peace, let her keep it through losing her man
Please...
When you map her fate...
Please be considerate when choosing your plan.

The games are almost complete, no more appeals or delays
I stare over the crowds, in to the fields, in a daze
I'm ready to go, and put an end to this show
Will I burn in hell, or be reborn with a heavenly glow?
I face death with a warriors soul, that I'm proud to give
Just one more letter to go...

...Wait

He guessed the letter, got the word as a whole.

I'm allowed to live!

[e11even]

Frank- nice. this was very interesting but not consistent in language or voice. I would have respected it more if the vernacular was all country slave-ish instead of plopping in distinguished words all "willy nilly". The part that was so confusing is that you seem to have experimented with the same technique you faltered on last week. The flashback/flash forward was too seamless and needed a navigational device to let the reader know who is getting hung, but it just comes off as a one-line at the end with no apparent connection to the events foretold. this was a cool read, but it would have been better if it didn't feel cluttered with underdefined characters and bad transitions. Good job overall though, Frankie.

Witty- wtf bro. Wtf. You pulled the same shit ol' boy did last week with the eating contest. That was sick. It was getting very stale toward the end, then you pulled out the prestige. A game of hangman. Genius. I swear I hadn't guessed at all. I was completely in the dark. Your execution barring the twist was ok, the rhyming was average and the build up was clever, yet kinda flat for my taste. But you clearly pulled it off with all those negatives. Nice work.

I think both competitors had compelling works and this could possibly go either way, tastes depending. Frank had the more enthralling story, but witty had the end flop following the straight forward and less confusing content. I think Frank is always big in the epics department, but MVGT Witty for the overall better read.

[asylum]

Frank – pitch forks? Wha? Ok. feeling the story, huge syllable counts being placated by impeccable assonance. Story jumped around skillfully. I love how you word things, fucking entertaining. The story wound down to a close artfully, and I think you may have chosen your last line for some shock value. Being crass, if you will. I think the technique was effective, classic Frank. “twistingly withers” was a bit of a stretch for me, at first. But then I thought about it.. and that’s probably a great description of what somebody looks like at the point of death via strangulation. I think maybe he hung one slave because he liked the one that fucked his wife, but just had to lash out somehow. Story felt true. Thanks Frank.

Witty – your first stanza ended VERY STRONG. It’s not very often I read a topical and wonder how it would be spit by it’s author, but you really put some effort into this piece and it shows in how it reads. Very smooth. Well crafted. .. “where the sharks sink from swimming.” .. just wow. Carrying on. Awh you fucker. Really? REALLY? That sick as verse just ended like that? That felt like a fuck you, to me. A very strong.. finely tuned, well written fuck you. I’m not even sure how I feel about this. Dude this piece is really sick.

I’m voting for Frank. I changed my mind five fucking times but Frank’s twist was a little more solid. I enjoyed Wittys mechanics more, but as a whole I think Frank nailed the topic better. This will undoubtedly be the closest battle of the week. Great job guys. I hope both of you win.

[sral]

BUMPING FOR VOTES!

[Mr. J]

v/Witty.......peep review in upcoming mag..

[Frank]

dead man quaker oats Vulgar NYCSPITZ Certain

[The Law]

Frank - Flow was up and down for me. It didn't keep the same rhythm throughout and really didn't read smooth at times. I thought the best part about your verse was the detail land word placement (not scheme) as far as the description and imagery. The storyline was alright, I thought it was a more obvious approach to take upon a picture with a noose hanging from a tree. Had a nice little twist at the end and some decent build up to it. As far as the enjoyment factor it was okay, I'm not going lie or try to hide it, I did start to get a little bored in the bulk of it.

Witty - I'll get the critique over with quick first cause I thought it was a great verse. A bit simplistic with wording and some of the imagery/descriptive measures used. Also thought the characters thoughts started to go on for too long. On to the plus, the flow was nice the whole verse read off smooth without any problems. Towards the end you added some decent emotion with the character and his family. I thought the story and approach using a 'real life' style hangman was dope. I've seen many topicals with the 'noose' sort of picture and having seen an approach like this. I liked it. Maybe I'm too cynical but I was hoping it was going to end with the character being hung rather than living to see another day.

MVGT: Witty - IMO it was just a better written verse and more enjoyable approach towards the picture.

[Exis]

Dope battle...I liked both verses a lot.Frank is a story tellin' genius & there's no exception here when it comes to that...@ times flow was a little iffy...imagery is great, thought content wise it was stellar.
Witty is Witty...your flow is as you say, second to Copy's, your one of the best in that department online imo...imagery was cool, not on a Frank level but yo, your endin'...shits dope & in all honesty is all that separated things for me.

Vote - Witty.

Great shit my peoples, stay upwards.

[UnbornBuddha]

Quick vote:

Frank I enjoyed your language more than Witty's, you tell a story better than him and better than most people and it was humorous. But, the story itself wasn't that enthralling or mind blowing, it was good though, in fact this was a great battle.
Witty: Albeit, your language seemed more bland than Frank's, ultimately the concept itself was just amazing and really creative. I think if you took your time and chose your words more carefully this piece can be a true gem, but it is still great, but like I said some of the lines are not as captivating as they could be, in terms of potentiality.

Vote: Witty

[oats]

I'll get to this either today or tomorrow

[EtH]

Frank, yet again you not giving a fuck ruins your verse. You know your lines are way too stretched, you know you repeated promiscuous figure, your best rhyme, twice for no reason, you know you switched in and out of narration and broken "ghetto" language...and you don't give a fuck about it. It's a shame too because your verses are fucking weird. I don't know if it's the homoerotic undertones in everything, or whatever it is, but your verses make me uncomfortable...and that's amazing. It's a refreshing I guess "emotion" to get from a piece. You're not writing horror and telling us about those same colours every time. You're picking a fucking weird location every time and telling a bizarre story which is extremely original in both delivery and idea. Again though, you just don't give a fuck. It's almost to a disrespectful point because you're better at this naturally than everyone else signed up. You don't care if your syllable count is off, lines are stretched or anything else. You don't care about writing lines specifically and just scheme it all out quickly. You're not a natural speed writer and it always shows. I just wish you'd switch into gear and start knocking these verses out the park like you can obviously do.

Witty, that was fucking close to going over my head. I think you lacked slightly in the delivery here. Things like saying goodbye to your family, I think if you had stuck to a more in-game metaphor it might have worked slightly better. Maybe if you were going into your masters a little bit more and why they are forcing you to be a part of this sick game. Maybe thinking BACK on your family, but as there is no family in the game I felt that having them around you took away slightly. I also don't like random names in topicals a lot of the time haha. The concept alone is fucking stellar though. Extremely creative and resourceful. Although the style felt a little bland after reading Frank's, you took it simple and managed to get a lot of what you wanted out there. Love this idea and you accommodated it well with the rhyming, flow and everything else.

Overall, Frank's verses can be really hit and miss and while I'd edge more towards hit with this one, Witty just had the better idea and more enjoyable read throughout.

MVGT - Witty.