Asylum 2-3 vs. Timeless 3-5 - ASYLUM 5-0

[Adonis]

AOWL Season V, Week 13


SUMMARY OF RULES:

Verses are due
Tuesday at 9 P.M. Pacific/West Coast or Tuesday 11:59 PM Eastern / 6:00 AM Wednesday Central European/London
There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Friday at 4:00 p.m. Western / or Friday 7:00 PM Eastern / 1:00 AM Saturday Central European/London Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.

All competitors must vote on THREE battles

Read the full rules here! (http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=119848)

Topic:
http://i.imgur.com/JjT5fOg.jpg


G/Luck timeless asylum

[timeless]

Check

[asylum]

kcehc

[asylum]

and as the hole in my soul gleams,
a whole stream flows by each path I’ve climbed.
Around the highest trees, throughout scenes adorned with lily pads,
frogs are ribbiting, like they’re really glad.. the world’s as dim as it is,
where ancient evergreens form the inside of a surreal abyss.
My hollow truth follows suit, between gifts so often overlooked,
after living in starless skies,
our own lies drive our scarred minds past points we’ve so often took,
who am I to believe those who’ve deceived me all along?
Once I thought I was wrong.. now every chance I had is gone.
If I’d have climbed the highest tree and remained strong,
the lake would’ve remained lost in the blackness between.
Now the darkness is me.
I see angels playing harps in the trees..
Could’ve begged them to serenade me, if God had forgave me,
but I’m trapped in the limbo between,
inside the chirps of crickets and frogs in an endless sea of my disease

[timeless]

Rose, the master of the puppets, froze at the sight of death.
Bashful, yet she loved when she's told that her eyes have depth.
Evenly, her lies are stretched enough to unwind the stress.
"God bless this mess!" Wise, yet she lived for crime and sex.
An honest woman, losing control of being an up most believer,
That she would succeed in life even with her cutthroat demeanor.
For two years she's been playing tug of war with emphysema.
When she won, she lost her diet to forces of hemp and pizza.
Torching her sense of breathing ever since she met tequila.
When it came to life or death for Rose, she wasn't meant for neither.

Meanwhile,
Rose changed her lifestyle, filed for divorce with her husband, Kyle.
Found a new friend named Jane and adjusted her smile.
Her pain stayed, but as always her touch was admired.
She maintained her passion to work but found no luck and retired.
Her 60th birthday arrived and so did what's left of her family.
Everyone knew to keep their distance out of respect to her sanity.
Her frame bloomed a smile as she inhaled plumes of smoke.
Smoking to barricade the stress, "Quit soon, I hope."
Her battle with lung disease was won, calls for a pertinent cigarette.
However, each candle she blew out held a certain hint of regret.
Her sister said, "Rose you look so sad in your untied gown."
Rose shouted, "How would you feel if your life was turned upside down?"


asylum sraL Adonis

[e11even]

Asylum- beautiful. This was a concise and well worded piece. I will pretend I know the angle and say this is earth's view from Limbo/Purgatory through the eyes of the Lucifer or a random sinner that past on. I loved how you set your backdrop using the space in the picture as a surreal metaphor to carry your plot. No complaints for rhyming or structure either. This is sound work, bro. Good job.

Timeless- Jane. Lol. This was cool. I was digging how you started this but the second paragraph was obviously written at another time, feeling sort of rushed, or just in a different voice. The execution of both parts was still solid though, but I didn't like the introduction of Kyle. I felt that was either in the wrong place or you could have done without extra characters entirely. Rose was the star of the show, frankly. I think more could have been done to indicate her life being "turned upside down" to match the metaphor because she didn't have the worst of luck with her beating multiple counts of bad news and all. Just saying. Good job though.

Both opponents came with a different spin on a very interesting topic and did something interesting with them. I think for me this came down to the more refined approach. MVGT Asylum for the more concise and effectively worded piece. Good job guys.

[2tripple0]

aye ive also got asylum taking this one.......thought that timeless just came with the same sort of nonsense throughout the league.......still both verses were dope and on target with the topic, but for me, I just felt like asylum tried a bit harder to relate to the subject whereas timeless came with a verse that hes used to dropping each week and usually he gets my vote but this time I just felt like asylum put in that effort this week and really deserves the win.......good luck to both writers and no hate but definitely continue wanting to work with yall in the future as this season seems to be wrapping up pretty nicely for the playoffs......hopefully will be working with asylum and timeless in the future will look out for you guys in the future.......peace


vote:...........asylum

[The Law]

Asylum - Content was nice and it flowed well. I like the relation to the lake and the fact that you are stuck between the beauty and the black ugliness. The imagery was done well and you did a good job depicting from the picture. However, the word usage here was a little bit too simplistic as well as the rhyme scheme. Besides that I thought you did a pretty decent job with this one.

Timeless - I thought your verse lacked the depiction from the picture. I didn't the upside down metaphor held strong from it. I like the approach you tried to take, however, to me I thought of it more as a mirror image. Writing wise I thought you did a great job, nice flow, great word usage and rhyme scheme/multi's. The story itself between the two different life/lifestyles of rose was well done.

MVGT: Asylum - Followed the topic better tbh. If it wasn't for that I thought timeless easily got this. However, I really didn't feel his metaphor worked well for this picture. It's not turned upside down and if it was they aren't complete opposites in the picture, everything is exactly identical. It's a spitting, symmetrical image from top to bottom. With that being said, I thought Asylum's verse was good enough to get by for my vote.

[sral]

BUMPING FOR VOTES!

[Frank]

Asylum

Stimulating read. Very poetic. I dug that "Hollow truth'' line early on. The word Hollow created a ecosystem for me. Put me in the Pond setting of moss, marsh and hollow. I think that Overall, it was just one small step for your inner amphibian. You had the distance of a Young Bull Frog: would've liked to see you go the distance of a Conraua Goliath Frog from Cameroon West Africa. Only real crit.

Timeless

Whoa, this is a huge improvement for you. I thought this character sketch was penned proficiently. The underlying metaphor for the picture was abstract. You took the picture and saw a world upside down. Dope. Would've liked you too incorporate the actual picture somehow. Like saying she threw the cigarette in the lake, something that truly made you one with the picture. The idea was tangible. The name Rose, although a earthy name, could've been Blossom to capture the picture more.

Felt that this battle was dope. I liked what Timeless did, it's definitely his most defining effort. Asylum just embodied the pic more. Would be interested in reading these pieces in their entirety, as in both writers push themselves to write full bodied pieces. Would be worth the read, if either found the inspiration, or time, or both.

Voting Asylum

[Mr. J]

v/Asylum......peep review in upcoming mag...