Spoken 0-4 vs. 2Tripple0 3-8 - SPOKEN WINS 4-0

[Adonis]

AOWL Season V, Week 13


SUMMARY OF RULES:

Verses are due
Tuesday at 9 P.M. Pacific/West Coast or Tuesday 11:59 PM Eastern / 6:00 AM Wednesday Central European/London
There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Friday at 4:00 p.m. Western / or Friday 7:00 PM Eastern / 1:00 AM Saturday Central European/London Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.

All competitors must vote on THREE battles

Read the full rules here! (http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=119848)

Topic:
http://i.imgur.com/MdLC7vq.jpg


G/Luck

Spoken @2tipple0

[Spoken]

Check

[2tripple0]

Lol somehow expected this

[2tripple0]

The coroner report

the skull of the body cracked and had pulverised its cranium
a coroners revision of this exercise to complete the curriculum
although the pain may have heeded if the bruise was not exposed
and inside her brains were swollen marks that left her body crushed
she must belong to an internal world one that was part of her death
since sunshine and twinkle twinkle in the stars where she slept
the oceans that would crash on the shores like waves
and she left traces of drugs bashed with chemicals in her veins
ones that would put her to rest and for an eternity of sleep
sleeping beauty is a sweetheart that won't make a bo peep
she continued to struggle and her victory impossible to achieve
so its likely one day she was approached by a mad man full with greed
and he said her spirit is illogical and her majesty the queen retreat
she didn't listen and preferred to sow her own seed
referencing her decadence by enlisting in that revolution
so when she dies she gives in to the lying and description of its pollution
there looking up to the skies and praying for heavens charisma
then after there her head was dismembered and the carcuss melted into a lava
and then they framed her picture of a vision of her head with no body
and then they told her to go ahead and be proud and fulfill that element in all its glory

[Spoken]

I stood at the edge pondering... how death wud regress,
Leave it lurking in hopes it works and to level the stress.
Tho with blindness we are pilots thru our own actions except...
Forget the logic and tend to gossip while we mask our regrets.
.
.
Pardon this therapy but at times emotion needs to be spewed,
On a canvas that is a facet to an artist with an inner view.
Treading lightly we curve with words never mending situations,
Only help to just be shelved as another victim to placement.
Why do we try to deny yet condone actions as statements,
Declare we are equal but certain people are given facelifts.
Why did she tend to repent when she was left scorned and broken
Your the sole witness who stitched it.. so why is the wound still open?
The access we obtain strains the mind with opportunities,
But you'd rather squabble than gospel what's true with this unity.
It irks me to be punctual but how lovable were u to ya daughter,
How many times was she deprived a life from her own father.
These are questions I have hexed in hopes of finding the truth,
Because she tells me that barely she escapes the madness from u.
Told her to make amends and dont bend to be weak?
Yet not one ounce of guilt was built in u as her tears hugged her cheeks?
.
.
.
Never knew she felt as if help wasn't there whatnit was needed,
Knew she was in pain butn I didn't knowhow to handle grievance.
We used to stay up late just to wait for a call or text,
Laughter was pungent but the substance was lacking , I guess.
Time was never kind to me wanting the best,
I knew I was a fool for ignoring she was depressed.
But listen god because I've got something to confess,
When my hands flexed and went around her neck, I was lucifers pet.
Whispers would whimper and tend to echo in the hall of regret,
By it was too late as hate painted the walls where I wept...
She was so beautiful her eyes musical with each stare,
But all I'd see is her mother to a degree and it was something I couldn't bare.
She wouldn't last in my path so I made a decision like no other,
I couldn't raise faith so I killed her knowing she'd be joining her mother.

"Im done I cant here any more.. GUARDS!!!!
TAKE THIS LOW LIFE BACK TO HIS CELL"

[e11even]

Tripple- I'm not sure how to feel about this. I want to be honest, but I want to be compromising. Fuck it. I didn't like this piece. There was so much Not going on that it drove me nuts. I'm sorry. There was barely any rhyming focus, the story was confusing in its usage of tenses and events, and words were improperly used all over the place. I found it hard to get into this, let alone enjoy it at all. I'm not sure what else to say other than that. I admire the effort you put in to put the piece together, but I think more thought and time should have gone into this work. Good job for showing to any degree though.

Spoken- this was interesting. Even though your piece suffered some of the same plagues as Tripple's drop, you still came out sounding coherent in most cases. You misused and misspelled more than a few words. Your first large passage was kind of confusing though. Its point of view seems to be three fold: father, mother, and psychiatrist, yet none of these are properly represented in syntax(italics, quotes, perspective devices, etc. ) so it came off as a big muddled excerpt with lingering ideas blurted out like a case of tourette's. You did make some points and arguments that gave the piece a soul, but your execution just needs a lot of work. The rhyming was ok, nothing stellar, but it was evident you made an attempt. Overall, I think if you wrote more and explored your linguistic capabilities you could have spun this into something greater, but right now it comes off as flat due to the poor execution. Thank you for putting effort in though. I saw glimpses of potential in your story. Good job.

I think both of these writers need to show up every week to get some much needed practice. I think they can both become greater threats if they focus and read, then write. This happened to come down to the more composed piece and MVGT Spoken for the better drop. Thanks guys.

[MMLP]

Triple – I really didn’t get into this man, the structure seemed all over the place. Upon second read I felt like I got a grasp of the story/ its message and it wasnt as bad as I’d originally thought. Being relatively new myself, I don’t think I have any right to this but honestly using a lot more multisyllabics on ending rhymes, wrapping your pieces in together would do wonders for your flow and structure, its all that’s missing really as your concepts aren’t that bad. A cool twist on the pic but it wasn’t executed as good as it could of been

Spoken – apart from the blatant ‘your and bare’ I wouldn’t say they were spelling errors, there seemed a few bits of sloppy typo’s, OTHER THAN THAT. This was dope, it felt quite cryptic (subtle hints throughout) it was a challenging read. Great concept and executed (almost) brilliantly. Fluent structure, comes together really well at the end. Flow and rhyming was sharp throughout. It’s something I tend to look out for and appreciate how hard it is to execute whilst maintaining a coherent story. Verse of the week contender in my eyes!

V/Spoken…. keep those pens moving guys!

[The Law]

Triple - Verse was okay, I thought some of your word usage hurt the verse. I liked some of the references to the disney characters and concepts since it is snow white in the picture. I must say that the progression to the story needs to be smoother and more understandable to the reader. As well as saying there were some hiccups in the rhyme scheme, may be accent, I'm no sure, but some of it didn't rhyme to me. Cranium/curriculum, exposed and crushed didn't rhyme with anything for me either. Charisma/lava multi there was off for me as well. So overall I thought the approach you took was decent but you need to execute better as well as work on the technicalities.

Spoken - I actually liked your approach here and thought you did a great job working on all the pieces/characters in your drop. Second to last bar really ended it off well the piece well. Besides some wording issues and messiness this was a nice read. All it needed was to have a reread maybe reword some things and polish it up.

MVGT: Spoken - More of an obvious one here. Can tell the experience difference. Spoken just had the better approach and the better overall writing in this one.

[asylum]

2k – first few lines didn’t rhyme too well, bro. this was my favorite part.

she must belong to an internal world one that was part of her death
since sunshine and twinkle twinkle in the stars where she slept
the oceans that would crash on the shores like waves
and she left traces of drugs bashed with chemicals in her veins
ones that would put her to rest and for an eternity of sleep
sleeping beauty is a sweetheart that won't make a bo peep

you’re definitely getting better. but waves and veins doesn’t really rhyme. Start using inners rhymes. Rhyme two words in the middle of a line that doesn’t necessarily have to connect with the aabb end rhyme scheme. It makes the read more enjoyable. You’re lining up vowels really well in your end rhymes, but you need to start connecting that with your consonants as well. After your first write, go back through it.. and say it out loud. You will find the holes inside your mechanics that need to be addressed that way. That being said, you are improving. You hit the topic pretty well, definitely stuck to the tone. Good job sticking to the picture. It was definitely on some fantasy. I think you should work on setting.. if this had happened at a place you described, like a dark basement or a garbage filled alley behind a huge apartment building, by a dumpster.. it would have felt a little more tangible.

Spoken – Ok so I’m pretty sure your interpreted the picture as a female therapist in a prison. Your end rhymes didn’t always completely work but they were definitely good enough to get by. Flow was pretty good. Your voice was a little off to me, but you definitely got your point across well. An enjoyable read.

My favorite bar from your piece was this one..

These are questions I have hexed in hopes of finding the truth,
Because she tells me that barely she escapes the madness from u.

and I also enjoyed the entire beginning of your second stanza.


/v spoken – took this with mechanics. His story was also more developed.

[sral]

Spoken wins 4-0