Vividlyvague vs Rakontur - Vivid 3-2

[sral]

Topic:

http://www.popoptiq.com/jeff-proctors-maniac-poster-art/

Maniac

"Lucie: You are totally not what imagined.
Frank: Really? What did you imagine?
Lucie: Uh... fat, with long black hair and greasy skin full of acne.
Frank: You should see the other picture I was about to send"

[Woke]

Nice topic

Due Tuesday? Or what?

[e11even]

This is an ill topic.

[e11even]

Work was a bother. So many patients.
Not enough patience. Where do work days end?
The good doctor goes over the notes,
Like a nerve exposed, stress threshold over the quo.
Just as he would normally go, he began to pack it in.
Laptop attachments and pen, notebook in his satchel and then...
the door rattles and creeps. Knob turning, it sweeps.
"Hello, Dr. Ghast. I was told this is where we could meet?"
No lights in the suite... he felt for the switch, the shadow crept closer.
Feeling for his spectacle holder, he barely kept his composure.
"I had no meets in my folder... who are you, if I may?"
The lights flipped. "Frank Zito. We spoke early on in the day."
The memory was so faint... maybe a question could jog it.
"I'm sorry, Frank. I'm bogged down with nonsense. Your problem?"
Frank stared quizzically. "Awesome. You really don't remember.
We spoke about Esther. Mother issues and the fact I resent her."
"Ah, yes. Take a seat if you will, Sir. How do you feel?"
"I feel a little off... like I might have the disposition to kill..."
Ghast pauses, but still without caution, "Please pardon me,
but you should probably be serious while we have time to be."
"What? I came to you honestly. You need to stop me while you can.
Ever since she died, I just can't control my hands."
Zito daydreams into his palms... grunting, smiling, whispering.
The doctor watches expertly... scoffing, eyeing, fiddling.
This kid is all there... even jittery! ADHD? Bipolar...?
"Frank. This night's over. Here's the prescription. RiteAid's open."
Zito looks up and the doc got sober. The fury was felt.
"Doesn't it look like I need some real help?!"
Frank stood, withdrew from his belt, breathed heavily.
"Please don't! For Beverly, my daughter teaching elementary!"
The doctor yelped desperately, a grin dancing onto Frank's face.
"You are a good doctor... " His blade ripping across Ghast's graying nape.
Zito stabs into Doc's brain base, instantly killing him. .
" Hello Beverly." He chuckles... feeling the spike in adrenaline.
The credits begin and it's time for him to go find Ma Esther.
There's no pine box message for his sliced-top remnants.
"They will all suffer, Mom! I'm scalping Beverly first! "
Screaming like a reveille's burst at a cemet-ry's church.
Purple dress... - I hope she never screams-... Lurks, watching alertly...
Blade in the holster, creeping her closely, dark floods the scene's opening.

[Woke]

She struck the keypad eagerly, typing away
Hours lost chatting bout memory lane
ASL's and laugh out louds, ensuing dot dot dots
Winky face with cheddar grin and tongue out; cropped
A simple simpleton of yellow melanin
She's not artsy but a pictures worth a thousand sentiments
The world is an oyster and the net is her sea
A lecherous vestibule shucking pearls with such ease
A fisher of men reeling in morbid intent
Whimsical thoughts playing coy just coasting within
Bated by a simple morsel, revealing of skin
A seductive shoulder shelling out sin
Floating the jig; Hook, line and sinker devoured too quick
Guppy, meet shark. Golden locks flowing down stream
Right between twin peaks, perched, flashing high beams
All the way down to her curves splitting the back of her blue jeans
Finally, her ocean is a crease made in his dreams
The only problem is the lack of hair on her tissue
Predators, to catch a guppy style
In a perverted sea she defiles and lives through

[MMLP]

I liked reading both of these and I’m more than happy analyse….

Rakon- Technicality rhyming-wise aside. This was dope, the middle part was nice, the way you started incorporating a sea tale/ fish’s tale and at that point, I was lost as to where it was going.
The subtle references between both topics brought it together nicely.
There was great wording throughout, imagery was top notch.
The ending was nicely executed, I thought it was leading to something more than it was. But I got it and understood why it ended like that.
It reads better on second read, when you’ve figured things out and can then appreciate everything in between, the connections, metaphors etc. An approach to writing I like to use every so often.
And that’s what you/ I want, people to read it back, enjoy it even more perhaps and appreciate what makes the piece what it is.
The only thing I picked up on was the ‘typing away at the start’. To me that meant it had to be from a human perspective. So the fish/sea thing could never realistically really come into play. Nit picking I know!
Good job, I enjoyed reading this

VV – Again, technicality rhyming-wise aside. You produced an interestingly morbid tale here. I didn’t know if these were characters you created so l quickly looked up frank zito (a famous mobster) so I believe it was him.
Nice idea to play off frank and relate to a real life person who can play that sort of character
I liked the scene you created at the start, it was painted well with words. It took a second read to un-puzzle it all and a get an idea of whos who and the actions taking place.
The true motive of frank’s actions isn’t clear tbh, which was a let-down.
I dunno if it’s a genuine revenge plot for the family or if he is indeed a schizophrenic! OR BOTH!
The ending was dark, interesting but dark but there were one too many questions I was left wondering about.

v/ Rakontaur for the more completed and enjoyable read.

[UnbornBuddha]

VV: A tale of a maniac who goes rogue, killing his doctor and then lurking coming to get his family. Part I was confused about was the mother, Ma Esther, was she in on it, or just a figment of the crazy man's imagination? It was morbid, but had this elegance to it I found. Especially at the end, where you focused less on the narrative and it became a bit more refined in the overall plot.

Rak: In some ways your writing is more crisp than VV's. Albeit, he has more of knack for storytelling, whereas you weave more metaphor into your verse, producing something more subtle. This seemed to be a tale of a lustrous female online predator, who seduced man in the vast sea of romance and then devouring them, whatever that entailed. You didn't go as much detail as VV, but in some ways painted a more lucid picture, even with a very short verse. It seems at the end she can deceive man, but has some form of deformities that she hides.

I feel this a close match. But, I enjoyed the nuances and language of Rak's more.
Vote: Rakontur

[asylum]

I just want to start this off by saying this movie was 50 kinds of twisted. Yeah. Needed to get that out of the way. Super sick ass movie, in case nobody has watched it.

Vividlyvague – ok so a dude rolls up on a doctor and mercd him then offs his secretary? Cool. You built up to the piece rather than examining playing the scene out. I like that approach, the mark of a true professional. I think this set was the strongest in your piece.
I'm sorry, Frank. I'm bogged down with nonsense. Your problem?"
Frank stared quizzically. "Awesome. You really don't remember.
We spoke about Esther. Mother issues and the fact I resent her."
"Ah, yes. Take a seat if you will, Sir. How do you feel?"
"I feel a little off... like I might have the disposition to kill..."
Dialogue is difficult and you pulled it off well. Also, you did an excellent job of driving the story along through your dialogue. An even more difficult feat. I like that.
I’m not sure adrenaline rhymed with anything. The assonance was too broken to say that it did. I mean almost, but not quite. My one serious question it why the hyphen in “cemet-ry’s?” I enjoyed how you threw in the color of her dress. That had a good effect, just to make sure the reader was sure the story ended where the picture started. I think this piece was solid as fuck. Thanks.

Rakontur – great job in word choices. Your rhymes were slick as fuck too. The guppy, meet shark line, imho, could have been blended into your theme more. Lol I just realized what your verse is about. I’m surprised you didn’t do more with the verse itself. In fact, I’m a little disappointed. I think you had a great approach and really could have utilized that to create a funny ass piece. Although a tongue in cheek approach is often not the best, you nailed the fuck out of the topic.

/vv took it this week imho. It’s not just that he wrote more, it’s that he had more solid scene development. His story felt more real to me. I did enjoy raks approach, and he could’ve really made this a comical piece. Although both authors wrote to their topic well, I think vv’s prequel approach gave him the solid V for me. I really enjoyed both verses tho. Great battle guys, thanks.

[EtH]

VividlyVague - Storyline has me slightly off. Not 100% sure who Esther is. I'm thinking he had some problems after his mother died, for some reason the doctor knows him although cant remember, Frank has a need to kill so Frank kills? The rhyming was improved this week. Although not exactly multi syllabic all the time, it came off quicker which made up for it.

Rakontour - The fish references are getting me. It seems like this is still a predator online piece, but you're metaphoring it with the sea? As with my other votes, my masterchef analysis is that you're mixing ingredients which don't seem to mix. Rhyming was alright but nothing pushing the boat out.

Overall, I didn't fully grasp either topic but both guys had some good lines. One was slightly better with their rhyming and the topic had a little more meat on it's bones so I vote that way.

MVGT - VV

[Mr. J]

Vividlyvague: I thought your verse was great for what it is, some of the work in the middle felt weird...
around the Frank Zito section you really took it a step further with your dialogue but some it seemed odd
regardless once you power through that it starts to pick up a little speed again and seems to be better written
I cant tell if you wrote this in one sitting or not but I feel you could do with a less inners in your work.
its cool that you can pull off a string of words like that but your piece suffers at certain moments from it
regardless I think you had a decent grasp on the topic at hand and shined quite well once you got over that...
nice work brah...
Rakontur: I liked and hated this piece at the same time due to the opening concepts
the overall use of your topic seemed lost to me due to the ensuing dot dot dots...
I get it, but at the same time I want to gag on the simplicity of ideas that have been around
I dont feel like you are challenging yourself here. Try adding some fresher concepts to the piece
I dont feel any character to this and I feel like Im being robbed of a read after reading Vivids piece

v/Vivid, I feel like he had a better fleshed out story, it suffered at points but not as badly as Rakontur
Im not saying that Rakontur had a bad piece I just really couldnt get into the story after some lines Rakontur I appreciate the time you took to pen this verse & at first it may have been a great idea to you....but...
the common concepts make me sad, the length of your verse makes me want to slap Vivid
either way you two showed and I thank you for your time


v/Vivid