Week 15: (3-1) VividlyVague vs. (1-4) Flo Real - VIVID 5-0

[Adonis]

AOWL Season V, Week 15


SUMMARY OF RULES:

Verses are due
Tuesday at 9 P.M. Pacific/West Coast or Tuesday 11:59 PM Eastern / 6:00 AM Wednesday Central European/London
There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Friday at 4:00 p.m. Western / or Friday 7:00 PM Eastern / 1:00 AM Saturday Central European/London Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.

All competitors must vote on THREE battles

Read the full rules here! (http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=119848)

Topic:"I am death, destroyer of worlds"


G/Luck

Vividlyvague Flo Real

[e11even]

The scourge is imminent.
The hurt's immense as if it hurdles to hit the dense.
It's the curveball, the wild card. Invisible to sentience,
Yet so obvious in retrospect the fossils resemble this.
This is the mother of all plagues, it hovers on all days.
It smothers and calls graves... news concerning is all grave.
Heed the humming, unnerving thoughts, but save
All preoccupation lost on worldly things and costs today.
Run. Hide. Kill. Fuck. You'll still die in a bubble.
The same orb of unknowing, the fog of its rubble.
You have heard this through mumbles, but deem it no trouble.
"The end is near" in '99, Times attempted to fluff you.
2012 the Mayans received cinema tribute.
Catastrophe has not a date, it's more of the venue.
Intelligence is the food chain, your race on the menu.
Preparation is eons past, predecessors have stripped you.
Divinity is perspective, your purpose is abstract.
Your few have tried, but just to belabor these last facts.
Solar fire, comets, or asteroids, then the blast-back
Will reduce you to smashed crags drifting in black mass.
Look for other planets, but it's futile and useless.
History repeats itself from t-rex to human.
The industrial complex lended primitive ears to music,
But rendered your species to extinction, a definitive doing.
This is a tale of karmic proportions...
Ignorance is death, death your planet's abortion.
Best of luck to you and yours, but brace as the world ends,
Because music can't be ignored when the apocalypse brings the chorus in.

[Flow]

Ì was beaten and enslaved by a figure that was dominent
Left me filled with deceit as i craved him, a shiver was prominent
Ominous rumblings of addiction became my infliction inherited
From a parent that had ferretted his vicious spirit into my head, yet... i cherrished it
I grew up in his shadow, the light that was shon was only to shun
I was beaten, starved, beaten and the insults were considered just part of the fun
Given impossible tasks, hostile asks, this was when he wore his responsible masks
Apocryphal, as the volitile face behind left me scarred, burnt and broken in casts
Over the years, under his tutelage, i pictured killing him, i envisioned it
Stripping his skin from his bones with a skillet...
....reverie imprisoned depicting it
But then it all changed, we were hunting that day
I was being beaten for missing and blood was how i repaid
The blood ran with a stream of tears and snot down my face
Licking my lips, the resentment that i was dependant was all i could taste
buckled down on one knee, he lifted the belt and it took an age
I was bleeding and shaking but my fist was trembling with rage
As he stared ready to swipe i flared and jumped up with the heaviest rights
He glared ready to fight and a father and son struck one another til night
The owls and the wolves, the buzzards and more
Gathered round to watch the two men writhe around on the floor
The shuddering screams of the child and thunderous raws of the man
The puncturing squeels of the suffering young with every wham
Pulling out a blade the child rages forward for the head of his host
The father parries and kills his son with one stroke, then grins and he boasts
The son is dead lying, i am watching floating above
Then the father realises hes alone and has lost his true love
For he didnt care for the boy but the boy was all that he had
With a frown he realised that his world had ended...... i was glad..
I acsended out of this world... heavenly defended
He descended into ruin, forever wishing he hadnt offended

[sral]

BUMP!

[Nigma]

VV, i thought the tone and points you made were done with confidence and came across very enjoyable. Lines were worded choicely and kept the the flow easy to follow, your angle came across to me like an wise and powerful personification of death which worked.

Flo, first thing i noticed was a bunch of lines were a syllable off flowing much better for me. The opening bar was the first example and perhaps made others stand out more than the otherwise would. I enjoyed the story driven content although I felt it was becoming difficult to remain engaged. You had really good use of descriptive and specific imagery, a line about blood and snot running down the face stuck with me. Strong verse but had some things I'd have like to seen executed better/differently

VV had the more consistent verse. Had a bunch of high points and no hinderances

+1 VV

[asylum]

VV – Good piece. Idk where to start. Favorite lines..
Divinity is perspective, your purpose is abstract.
Your few have tried, but just to belabor these last facts.
Solar fire, comets, or asteroids, then the blast-back
Will reduce you to smashed crags drifting in black mass.
Siiiick ass lines, flowed really well, way on point with the topic. I just had to point out how sick those bars were. Fucking dope bro. that bit on trex to human right after was cool too but I don’t like to quote half a verse in a vote. You could have left “because” out of the last line. I hate that word. Especially in the beginning of sentences. But I guess it lined up with the B in best so it probably helped your flow. Also the second “death” in your third to last line could have been left out and the following words would have had the same exact effect. Anyway, that “Run.Hide.Kill.Fuck” was pretty cool too. Basically the four human choices in time of peril. I like how you worked in the sound theme at the end, you stuck to it pretty good and it helped your ending immensely.

Flo real – your mechanics were top notch here. Lots of rhymes. Although it did feel off to me, your transfer of viewpoint was pretty fluid, after review. However, it threw me off a little bit. Not really sure how else to explain it. I think you had been in the kids voice too long to kill him off. Also, your mechanics kinda fell off at the end. And the storyline was kinda weird. I mean, death is the watcher of this happening, right? Well.. you probably should have opened with a couple lines as death, then. Because when you switched to it at the end I was left going wtf just happened right now. After a couple reads I pieced it all together but I don’t want to have to do that when I’m reading something I’m trying to get into. I did get into it but I just don’t feel your character development was strong enough for a father kills son verse. This was a cool little story, still. Great imagery and some good action. Try to not start so many lines with “the” one after another. Just not good practice.
The shuddering screams of the child and thunderous raws of the man
The puncturing squeels of the suffering young with every wham
Pulling out a blade the child rages forward for the head of his host
The father parries and kills his son with one stroke, then grins and he boasts
The son is dead lying, i am watching floating above
Then the father realises hes alone and has lost his true love
Thethethethethen? Really need to think about the piece as a whole. How you start each line affects their effect on your audience. Take that into consideration more. Looking forward to more of your stuff, you obviously have the talent. Just need to focus it and refine your approach a bit.

/VV for a more solid piece. In my experience, it’s pretty rare a good topical beats a good story. But VV pulled it off this week.

[Exis]

VV - From the get go I thought you set the tone well, your word usage was nice with it....you stayed on topic & had some good descriptive imagery...solid verse all 'round.

Flo - Unfortunately your 'flow' is a hindrance while readin'...it's not woeful but yeah it's choppy in places, You also had some nice imagery & content as a whole is pretty cool...did feel @ times you lost your way tho, felt a little disconnected from the story.

Vote - VV simply for the fact he had a better, more enjoyable verse.

Stay uppity.

[UnbornBuddha]

VV: I liked this, it was very eclectic, in the sense, of how you weaved various sensory reflections to depict a monograph that was rooted in a setting of hopelessness. Like I said to you before, I think you have a knack for detailed writing, however, you do suffer from the lack of lackluster advanced rhymes to really make the verse stronger, you have some but nothing that shows your skill in rhyming. But, again your focus seems to be delivering the most lush scenery that one can envision and or deliver. And you do so, quite well.

Flo: You repeated some of the same words in a repetitious and therefore dull manner in a couple of lines. Also the basic spelling issues really should not be there, they are a hindrance that are easily avoided if you took a few minutes to correct. But, you've mentioned your insane work hours, so I'll be a little more lenient in my final decision making. As for the rest of your verse, it had much emotional flare that you carried well. The topic itself was much more risky than your opponent. And you pulled it off exceptionally well, well done, I like verses that test the waters by speaking on matters that are socially taboo, However, like I said, the execution was unfortunately not as refined as could have been.

Vote Vividlyvague

[timeless]

VV Rollin heads. Always appreciate your use of dialogue but was disappointed to see a lack thereof. Cool verse, enjoyed the transitioning throughout, as well as solid mechanics all around. My only qualm was how awkward it started but maybe that's just me. Flo had a high ceiling here just failed to capitalize. The changing of the narrative was confusing, lots of misspells and beat up schemes. Not bad though, could tell u were lost amidst writing.

V. Vivid

[Adonis]

Vivid 5-0