Round One: 6. Asylum vs. 11. CopyPat - Asylum 5-1

[Adonis]

AOWL Season V, Round One


SUMMARY OF RULES:

Verses are due
WEDNESDAY at 9 P.M. Pacific/West Coast or WEDNESDAY 11:59 PM Eastern / 6:00 AM THURSDAY Central European/London
There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Friday at 4:00 p.m. Western / or Friday 7:00 PM Eastern / 1:00 AM Saturday Central European/London Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.

All competitors must vote on THREE battles

Read the full rules here! (http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=119848)

Topic:

http://i.imgur.com/h1aXagY.jpg

G/Luck
@ CopyPat

[asylum]

"Hey bro, you couldn't jack nothing more low key?"
Gold rims glow in the gas station lights, tank filling slowly.
They wore antique German helmets and gas masks from the cold war,
Relics of the past that never saw a foreign shore,
Destined for their chance for gore and pain just up the way,
Where a fortress born from ill gotten gains chills on a hill atop a plain,
Filled with thugs waiting for anyone plottin' to claim their blocks of cane.
It sits on the spot the same as it was before they moved in, never thought to change,
Their locks or ways, even the main players couldn't stop the game.
The boss would say, "dont worry 'bout the cops they're paid. IF you're stopped just say,
How's your family, and drop their names." All the drops were made.
That's when Jake stepped up the game and stalked their prey,
Found the house where stock would stay and watched for days,
Took a leave of absence, didn't want to raid. Found a spot and dug some graves,
The thugs exchanged product for cash at regular intervals,
They'd get the cash and the next drop while they stopped some ventricles.
The plot was sensible. Someone flipped a breaker at the dispatch center,
While they popped the wagons back hatch and prepared to enter,
The hood smashed through iron gates, it's bumper devoid of license plates,
Flood lights flicked on and illuminated even the tightest space from a higher place,
From behind it a man yelled, "just lea..." as the whole scene glowed pink from the brightest spray,
A bullet flew in from far away, the spotlight popped and sizzled,
Night visions optics dropped and bullets whistled over their heads,
Leapfrogging from statues to fountains, to an unlocked door they dropped and went,
Up twin staircases in their places, skull bandanas covering their faces.
They reached the top and heard someone screaming theyd shot at first,
And a rocket smashed into points chest.. he dropped and cursed,
They swarmed and got away from the dead round as fast as they could,
Threw a canister of tear gas over a banister, moving up to the third floor where they heard more,
Footsteps and harsh whispers.. darkness moved into their hearts center,
They bawled and begged for mercy, "MY LEGS ARENT WORKING.."
As they crawled and bled from jerking limbs, the cops were smirking when,
They tied each one to a chair and sliced with razor blades,
Stuffed pieces of flesh in their mouths before the major shave.
As each fades away, another leaves while repeating the names said to each,
The heart of a beast's the darkest retreat. Dont bark at a tree.

[CopyPat]

It seems like I'm at war whenever I’m filling my tank up
And really just handcuffed, cause a million damn bucks
Is what it feels like the price is… getting me bankrupt
Just to fuel up my nice whip
Guerilla’s just fighting against humungous oil trades
And the cost of a top up is a fuckin royal pain
I’m stuck just overpaying, always losing the battles
A chump that’s in this game, never moving/advancing
I’m truly at ransom just paying the price
Fueling the madness every day of my life
Waiting in line, but the circle is vicious
Wasting my time, cause I work for the system
It’s a permanent position and the fighting never dies
Soon as I earn a little income then pricing levels rise
It's like it's genocide on my savings account
Because I'm fighting enterprises and they're taking me out
Making me doubt.. the way I have been shown to serve
I pay for gas to go to work. To pay for gas...to go to work
I make a stack then blow it, hurts to wave this flag for oil
But I'm made on Canada's soil where the crude is the path
And I keep fighting for nothing like I'm a troop in this mask

[Woke]

Short vote, sorry. Haha at pointing out the rhymes, nice opener. Went full story Bruce Willis style incorporating not a very complex rhyme scheme, instead going with amount over all. The story was cool, a bit jumpy as I feel like you the beginning didn't really belong. After you mentioned the masks you went to scouting to gunning to killing while the cops wore bandanas, not the masks. Anyway, a fun read to say the least. As for pat, I liked your use of war and soldier metaphor throughout the verse, without those many instances this verse would be a loss for sure, but you kind of saved it there. I enjoyed the read and it's safe to say Americans feel your pain as far as gas goes. All in all though, this verse left me wanting more. More depth, more meat, something to either wrap my brain around or at least a eye opening ending

V/asylum for the more entertaining read, very close vote for me though

[Razah]

Two very different verses, I guess.

Copy, this feels like you just got your toes wet & didn't really go to deep into it. Felt like this could've been so much more, but it wasn't. I liked how you tied in the concepts of gas / oil / war and shit, but like I said, you could've wrote a little more about that or done something to give the verse a little more uhmphh.

Asylum, the story was cool. Probably the best part. To be honest, that's probably what saved you here. Wasn't a fan of the rhyming, felt like some lines got longer & longer for no apparent reason. The only reason you're getting my vote is because I could go along with the story & picture most of it playing out in my head. If Copy would have expanded on his verse, he would've got this easy, but he didn't, so..

vasylum

[Mr. J]

Asylum, Im a make my votes short this week but I have a lot to discuss about this verse
I feel like the opening 5 or 8 lines were kind of a let down on opening for this topic...
the characters all seem to fit but the way you play out the story just seems too farfetched to me
especially when the dialogue starts to roll in a bit more, Im just like whaaaaaat...
dont get me wrong this was a strong piece but I feel like in a world like today you could have had a better piece
I would have chosen like a graffiti art type idea with the ending being like some spray can exploding in the back seat & poof....
cant knock your hustle though. the verse was cool & the execution was nice enough to make me praise you at certain points

Copy, I thought your verse was smooth at first but midway through you started to stumble
maybe you wrote yourself into a corner, its not up to par with a majority of your lines but it was still a cool read
I felt if you went all out you would have been up in votes here, asylum took a cool route as well...
either way nice job..




v/this is kind of tough due to the amount of lines presented from both competitors
I thought asylum had a decent idea but some lines were a tad too out of place for me
the concept seemed like an easy approach with that being said Copy came with about half the lines asylum did.
idk its all preference here for me. I liked asylums piece but would have preferred an original approach
Copy went with a more down to earth piece compared to his previous work which is different, but it works
the end of his piece didnt match the strength of the beginning and that saddens me :*(




v/asylum

[e11even]

asylum- holy shit bro. damn. I likle this a fucking lot. The start of the show was the flow (lol). Syllabic peppering was impressive through most of the piece, but you kind of abandoned it during the action as if you were to occupied with the bullets. You then picked it up again at the very end, which was almost a complete save, but this shit was cool regardless. I think there was also some confusion with the characters, but other than that, yhou came through on this work pretty nicely. Good Job bro.

CopyPat- I enjoyed this thoroughly as well. This came off as a vent piece, but it held a lot of relatable relevence with how the global economy works with us working folk. It sucks, buty your delivery and message didn't, as it caused a little self evaluation on why the fuck don't we do etter in our lives to get better? Anyway, I think your only achilles quality is the fact that you're a creature of habit just like me. It can come off as redundant, especially since the cadance is always incredibly constant and doesn't necesarily spark any excitement while reading. Dope verse though.

I liked both verse for very different reasons, as both have gone to different angles and styles with this entry. MVGT asylum for the overall more enjoyable and well-executed verse.

[timeless]

Asylum, wasn't feeling this tbh. Lots of good, quotable lines but there was just so much filler in your story that made it difficult to enjoy it. Even after a second read it was just idk lol. I was expecting a lot more at the end. Not your best piece here.

Pat, always enjoy your pieces. They're so refreshing to read most of the time. Your style just doesn't seem as stock as 90% of topical writers. Seemed like you rushed the fuck out of this one though with no clear direction. That's not to say it wasn't enjoyable but I've seen alot better work from you

Tough choice again.

V. Asylum for a more rounded/complete read.

[MMLP]

Rhyme Asylum – this was dragged out a little, theres filler in places where things could have been explained better imo. The story could have been condensed a little better tbh. On second read, im still unsure about what im reading, it seems cool, it seems bad ass and full of warfare scenario(s). The imagery is dope but what exactly has gone on. Feels like the first time I watched the final LOST episode (that was amazing looking back btw).


Copy – dope read man, I freaking love your style. Theres a select few i'd choose to collab with on this site, if I was ever bestowed with the honour lol and your one of them. The analogy of simply filling up on petrol/ fighting for privileges/ working against the system/on war is brill and funny. It looks simple and short but its anything but, theres a lot to be admired in your piece.
Very enjoyable read

have no fear Asylum it seems you've won this one mate but I have to give this to Pat based on a more satisfying read overall.


Keep those pens moving as they say.