Round Dos: Mr. J vs. Asylum - asylum wins

[Adonis]

AOWL Season V, Round DOS


SUMMARY OF RULES:

Verses are due
WEDNESDAY at 9 P.M. Pacific/West Coast or WEDNESDAY 11:59 PM Eastern / 6:00 AM THURSDAY Central European/London
There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Friday at 4:00 p.m. Western / or Friday 7:00 PM Eastern / 1:00 AM Saturday Central European/London Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.

All competitors must vote on THREE battles

Read the full rules here! (http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=119848)



Topic:


http://i.imgur.com/1xrt2bG.jpg


G/Luck
asylum
@

[asylum]

Check.

[asylum]

http://i1315.photobucket.com/albums/t582/patrown/aforestfullofsoulsofthepast_zps0lekqsau.jpg (http://s1315.photobucket.com/user/patrown/media/aforestfullofsoulsofthepast_zps0lekqsau.jpg.html)
The forest glowed with green and yellow in the distance as they stood,
where his figure’d grown three times larger than any human could,
with shoulder spikes and a pointed chin, knees bending like a goat,
he looked upon his savior as she’s cast into his home.
“I've been stricken by despair since I left you all alone,
how long's has it been since.." in silence, she simply held her hand up slow,
when a breeze picked up, bringing fresh air he’d hoped so long to breathe,
stirring autumnal carpet around their feet as she started to skip with glee,
down the yellow path she departed before he whispered forcefully,
“The pieces of my inner soul, that's where I keep my secrets.
and if you follow down that path, there’s nothing you’ll find peace in.”
She spoke in the voice of her true self, an old woman near the point of death,
represented by this child who spoke so strangely out of breath.
“I brought you here my dearest Dad, now please just walk with me,
we must cherish this time we have because it's all we'll ever see.”
The lights grew dim and off they want, into darkness writhing with life,
shadows twisted into demons with gigantic fangs like knives,
their forms resembled his with eyes a deeper red than blood,
before they vanished in whispering shadows, banished into history by love.
A mist lifted from the ground that shrouded our odd companions,
intertwining with forces in the farthest realms of understanding.
It mixed with the trees and creatures to form a picture of their past,
she dipped a finger in the vast swamp, clear water spread fast from her faint touch,
the reflection of a vanished piece of driftwood rippled across the surface like a paintbrush,
drawing out every moment of the past with bits of beyond intertwining as well,
as the lines of purgatory are drawn between our minds, the heavens and hell.
She showed him the result after he took his own life and he knelt,
looking closely at a past image of himself sitting by the side of his bed.
Hands pressed to the side of his head couldn’t block out the cursing screams,
voices plagued his mind with white noise, and worse it’s all he dreamed.
His story ends with a leap of faith to abide his demons needs,
they watched him climb to reach the highest cliffs above the sea,
salty wind stung his skin as he dove upon the rocky peaks.
With it all out in the open, he felt like he owed an apology,
she simply smiled as the grim scene suddenly lit up and thrived with greenery,
lush gardens bore fruit while birds tweeted and chirped throughout the scenery.
“I prayed for you father, every night at the spot where you cried,
and asked God to please allow a walk with you in a park after I died.”

[Mr. J]

In that moment, time stopped...





A dream that had reoccurred for several nights had begun to cease
soon every night was overrun by sheep, that had succumb to leaps...
Then....once a week, She would awake and would be lifted to fly...
she would drift in the night, reaching for the stars that would glisten her eyes..
as her commitment inclined. a sudden jerk would awake her from slumber.
for days the urge built to control this power that she had uncovered
it felt as though limits were endless; the possibilities were outnumbered..
a new understanding to discover, the drive inside became relentless
she learned from progression, then practiced everything she comprehended
each moment spent bending dimensions.. furthering her minds ascension
never in vain, a moment to escape. a place to further dismember the pain
in that moment.....time stopped...
She understood her purpose in that moment, making her necessary escape
just as she had expected, when she opened the door her destination changed
surprised she continued to follow a path leading deeper into the woodland
amazed by the surroundings of neon plant life & insects dancing in their aura
in this place....she could do what she couldn't...
the deeper she explored, the darker the flora..she went where she wouldn't...
in that moment....she stopped, her body had taken on a form of paralysis
she looked on until before her eyes she had formed her own analysis..
the dreams weren't dreams but reality, when she awoke it was to her insanity..
the forest echoed with howls unknown to this world...
a sudden gust took the breath of our heroic girl...
she had hit a wall...as it vibrated in a liquid form..
the reflection showed something it never did before


http://i1315.photobucket.com/albums/t582/patrown/aforestfullofsoulsofthepast_zps0lekqsau.jpg

[Razah]

Hmm. Mr. J, solid rhyming on this piece. Although, I'm not a big fan of the ending. I just, I don't know, I kind of expected this to go a different route & it didn't, which unfortunately meant I was let down on how it ended. :/ Flow was real smooth though. Probably the best 'written' piece as far as rhyming goes, that I've read from you.

Asylum, I don't remember reading too many verses from you. From what I remember, besides last weeks verse, I can't really recall reading much stuff from you. Last weeks verse was real iffy compared to this weeks. I really enjoyed this weeks. I really liked the story you told. You managed to put a whole story together, not have it feel drawn out, and wrapped it up very nicely. Good work. I feel like you could work on your rhyming, because you were definitely out-rhymed against Mr. J, but you did have the better verse this time around, in my eyes. Unexpected but;

vasylum

[UnbornBuddha]

Asylum: Your verse was very detailed and for the most part was depicted well. However, at times it seemed to wander off the trajectory by being overly grandiose in its attempt to be majestic, and therefore seemed to get lost in its direction. And some of the description was rather odd "autumnal carpet" "salty winds"... I wasn't a fan of this imagery, yes it painted a picture but did so in a overly incompatible manner. The story itself was nice, and tragic of course, albeit some of the details in the middle where you went off track did not make much sense to me. But, the overall melancholy was done well, kind of creepy ending in many ways. Words that come to mind: Ghost like, apparations, despair, fate... Anyways, I can tell you put a lot of effort in this, and while it does show there are faults that can be rectified. Stronger rhymes schemes could add more flare, and whatnot.

Mr J: This week you went for the minimalistic approach. Unlike the other commentator I liked your ending, yes it ended kind of metaphorically abstract, it nevertheless managed to end in an impactful manner. However, my main gripe with this verse for me is the whole beginning. What you conveyed was kind of airy fairy and surreal and though the ending does not oppose this, it is riddled less with propitiations to the reader. In other words, while somewhat more captivating than asylum in its technique, the approach faltered mostly because it rooted itself in notional ideas that never really were fleshed out for me, everything felt abridged. And not because of the relatively short length, but because the notions conveyed were never made into something that took the reader somewhere outside your own mind. It felt like you went on a journey, but comparatively I the reader never felt like I was taken anywhere in the literary sense.

Therefore:
Vote: Asylum

[Adonis]

2-0 Sy

Up

[e11even]

Asylum- very cool Guillermo del Toro imagery here. There was no real explanation as to why such distinct differences in related characters as both were dead, but that kind of added to the magic of the piece. I liked the different settings you used (purgatory and the extremes, park, cliffs etc ) and I wished for there to be a meaningfull correlation between them to add to the depth of the story and the underlying themes and meanings. Overall, not as rhyming polished as I have read from you, but still a cool, somber approach to the topic. Good Job.

Mr.J- Oh shit. Can't say I saw that coming. That ending really sweetened the journey. A part of me wishes the entire piece wasn't just a means to get to the finish... I kind of hate that. You made this work though, and I got a slightly Peter Pan meets Donnie Darko type vibe out of this. My biggest gripe out of all this is I wish more of it echoed you rather than the piece echoing remnants of the picture. She takes flights of frolicking fancy through the majestic wood until she realizes what she has become. There is some promise there for expansion and exploration, but I do like what you did with it to that point though. Good Job.

This is kind of a tie for me, whereas I liked and disliked these pieces in equal parts. Conceptually, I feel as though both these pieces could have been more fleshed out and realized to really get to the reader more, but I think they equally fell a little short. Where one surpassed the other, however, was meaningful content. MVGT asylum for the overall more interesting read, although both had promising material. Thank you guys and good job.

[Nigma]

asylum i really enjoyed this verse man. while reading it all i could think about is how colorful it came across. your imagery was extremely effective, you told a neat story, and yeah.. like all your reference just screamed out different colors to me. your depiction of the tree in the beginning section was nifty, having the girl being disguised as an old lady was creative, just a strong overall showing. well done

mr j, i could be way off on this but my interpretation was that this was about someone learning how to dream lucidly? thats what makes sense to me. i was kinda thinking that at the halfway point but the sleep paralysis/self reflection reinforced it for me. largest gripe with this piece was in your opening bar, 'succumb to leaps' was forced as fuck. aside from that it was written nicely, was well executed, but unfortunately it didn't have as much of an overall effect as your opponent here.

two enjoyable verses but vote goes to he who put more time and effort into his verse

+1 asylum