Round dos Vividlyvague vs. Nigma - VIVIDLY VAGUE WINS

[Adonis]

AOWL Season V, Round DOS


SUMMARY OF RULES:

Verses are due
WEDNESDAY at 9 P.M. Pacific/West Coast or WEDNESDAY 11:59 PM Eastern / 6:00 AM THURSDAY Central European/London
There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Friday at 4:00 p.m. Western / or Friday 7:00 PM Eastern / 1:00 AM Saturday Central European/London Failure to vote will result in automatic sign out for the next week.

All competitors must vote on THREE battles

Read the full rules here! (http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=119848)

Topic:



http://i.imgur.com/oTADVfD.jpg




Vividlyvague Nigma

[Nigma]

Got a tourney final verse to write then I'll get to this one

Check, good luck broseph

[e11even]

Yosssss.

http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=122043
http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=122040
http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=122039

[e11even]

It was easy for them to forget us. They always have.
They would give us this awkward pass like we're only halves.
And because we had no moms or dads, we were all we had.
We were special too. More than a charity board and pass.

We were orphans with purpose, due a glorious boarding pass.
I awoke to a rumbling commotion. The orphanage had
Been reduced to asbestos, concrete and glass. My bay
was now a crater. Wiping my face, I noticed soot and ash.

I'm alive! Panic was widespread with the audible booms and crashes.
Bullets freely flung with grazing passes- I ducked and braved the clashes.
Peering out, chrome orbs floated above, lazing the Navy masses.
Here I was, in a warzone- unafraid. My 'siblings' behaved the maddest.

We all crawled closer to the carnage afoot, amidst the blazing cannons.
The jagged rocks and pebbles scathed our legs and hands up.
Wincing as I trudge, my hands felt through the flesh and blood.
It squished like mud as we drew closer to the men that never budged.

Bodies exploded and shredded. We cried and vomited so much.
why are we fighting? Is little difference enough? I couldn't give this up.
We made it to the frontlines with the medics and trucks.
"We need evac now! Airstrikes aren't lighting them up!"

The scariest part was not knowing why they were fighting with us.
"We were given orders to shoot first..." Said the Captain and shrugged.
"...and you wanna die, Sir? Why don't we say sorry and stuff?"
"That's not how it works kid. We once fought for your freedom and won.

Now we will all die because we're getting beat to a pulp.
Our entire race will be enslaved if we don't resist on this front!"
Oh my goodness! This is too much! I screamed hysterically.
My tears levitated. The sky opened like the gods upstairs could see.

"Look! They stopped!" My smiling 'sister' said to me.
The guns dropped. The lasers appeared to make a retreat.
We all stood as one orb landed on the earth in the trees.
I was never more ready... at 6 years old I was learning diversity.

The glimmering pod burst open, a fog dispersed on release.
A pale leg stepped out, almost disturbing to see.
they are so different, but still the same! It was sheer disbelief.
'He' slowly approached, seeming almost as scared as me.

One finger raised and I met him while planting my feet.
He saw me brace and felt at ease, making our fingertips meet.
A light stream beamed from his face through his arm.
Our hands clasped, the light went right into me.

http://i.imgur.com/oTADVfD.jpg

"We come to bring no harm. This is the way that we speak."
Light pulses would resume for these beginning minutes of peace.
I giggled and he felt my feelings... "There's so much pain in your dreams."
"Those are memories. You also feel familiar to me."

He paused, removed his colorless hand, his body glowing.
I tried not to startle him, but I realized my fear was showing.
My hands turned white and my body felt awkward as I was growing.
What is happening?! My siblings and I turned into these snowy beings!

"Your race was always ours, but we tested your resolve.
Although you hate each other, you fight together to face a cause.
Please know you are all unique but still the same between the walls."
I learned that inside this skin, we are the same beneath it all.

[Nigma]

cotton candy colors cascade across the candid sky
a dock extends beyond us, leads us straight onto the landing site
i felt the cool air as our carrier landed
was happy i'd inherited some shares in this planet
but where i'm from, these people wouldn't last a second
our three eyes see religion with advanced perspectives
i scan the flag of Canada, flash back, im reminiscing
back to my homeland and attacks that had me ditch it
relapsing to the panic and insane behavior
so glad i found a sponsor i proclaim my savior
it'd be an understatement if to say they found me skinny
fed me mounds of food, amounts that make me round to fix me
i was alien to them but they embraced me, housed no pity
raised me to be witty in a hazy mountain city.
im haunted by the days before my mother made me leave
im often crying for the martyrs and ive grown to hate my dreams
now that most have fled, the ones remaining are prepared for war
life, an open threat, i was no baby. wasn't scared no more
grew accustomed to danger, slaughter, and dangling bodies
there were many nations armies, it was like they're making copies
saw my mother dodging sniper shots while hanging laundry
she'd gone through many losses, didn't dare the odds that lost me
she'd remove the gloom like gauze, made our wounds escape the bounty
she used cough syrup to dilute the views of doom in our surrounding
but...
i left my mother, she stayed at home in hopes of representing our honor
left my father glued to stone, he embraced a poem and deaths the author
ah, father.. he had a non-exhausting spirit that lost it's fear
he appeared to be sought, had the prophet-like logic of seers
they'd often appear just to rob him
and sheer the opulent wisdom given by a vision beyond the sockets experience
he was often delirious. product of ominous knowledge, bombings, and pyramids
i laid my hand on his coffin the day before a plane had scoped horizons
i made a home and life from barren sands to snowy climates
craved to go to where i came but remained here since there's much time
growing wiser, found a home, a wholesome spirit and love life
it shows that refugees can be a mirror in ones eyes
so i'll wait another day to see a syrian sunrise

[asylum]

Vv – first of all , great intro. You went right into the action and your first stanza was an impeccable introduction to your storyline. Great scheme bro. flows really well. Okay, now im a little bit confused as to if you’re telling the story of multiple characters, so these orphans are fighting now? Ok.
Your dialogue in stanza six was a little off. “sorry and stuff” just wasn’t the strongest language. I don’t see that kind of dialogue being spoken in a war zone. Be careful with quotes. Anyways, going into your seventh the rhymes just aren’t there. I think hysterically and upstairs could see matched up a bit, I guess since you’re talking about tears levitating at this point I’m not going to really hold it against you because it read fluidly, probably skillfull syllable count and a few connecting vowels.. anyway you pulled that off somehow.. no offense. This verse is dope. Continuing. I really really enjoyed how your storyline came together. This was some off the wall shit and how you dropped the picture right in the middle of the verse was awesome. Reading through a second time.. I liked how in the second stanza, my bay and my face were paired flawlessly. Unorthodox schemes, im a fan of. Strongest stanza imo,
We all crawled closer to the carnage afoot, amidst the blazing cannons.
The jagged rocks and pebbles scathed our legs and hands up.
Wincing as I trudge, my hands felt through the flesh and blood.
It squished like mud as we drew closer to the men that never budged.
Imagery, +5. Soonafter I really liked how you stretched diversity to dispersed on release. And that stanza right after the picture is fiiire bro. I would have liked beings to rhyme with something but I’m not voting on it. Just some opinion thrown in there. OVERALL, this piece was sick as fuck. But honestly bro the line breaks I’m not a fan of. Especially so many of them. You did a really great job here, but you jumped around a lot and it affected my feelings about the piece as a whole because I truly felt like I had no idea what was going on until the end. Although yeah, it was dope, the enjoyment of the reading process, for me, was taken down a little bit by the line breaks and the disjointed storyline. That being said, this was an incredibly creative take on your image and you did an outstanding job at nailing the fuck out of your topic this week.

Nigma – so the entire time I thought you were talking about an actual alien. Then I started to figure out. Your story is very powerful. I think bouncing around of tenses was creative, and it didn’t both me too much because you explained clearly that you were in fact bouncing between different time periods. Favorite bar..
i left my mother, she stayed at home in hopes of representing our honor
left my father glued to stone, he embraced a poem and deaths the author
This explained a lot of the story while rhyming exceptionally well. I don’t see that frequently, usually it’s the opposite. The lines ending in sockets experience and bombings and pyramids was fucking fresh too. You really had to spell out what was going on in your end bars, and I appreciate that you did so. All in all I enjoyed the middle of your verse the most and I feel your intro was more intended to throw off your audience into thinking it was about actual aliens. So, you pulled that off well. But it wasn’t very subtle.

MVGT – VV took it this week for me because I enjoyed his piece in the end more and both verses had their own ups and downs. VV’s mechanics also helped, I enjoyed his more. If nigma had polished his verse a bit more he might have taken this. VV tried his ass off because he knew he would have a tough battle, and he did. Great job to both competitors.

[MMLP]

VV – It’s hard to story build with so much quoting and not have it (pace of a story) be disrupted imho. I’m saying this as I can see a lot of it before I read.

The start is brilliant, really has set a premise for something potentially special. Less quoting in this (part) and more story building so for my personal preference, thanks lol. Rhyme structure wise, it’s the best ive seen of u.

The scariest part was not knowing why they were fighting with us. - sick, very profound.

the two stanzas before the picture is ace, story building wise. I’m genuinely intrigued at this point, very interesting. Rhyming is almost flawless.

Wow! Awesome finish, a fantastic message you’ve put across with the use of an alien army haha! You’ve proved me wrong, the quoting works in all of this! This is the best piece you’ve written VV (well that ive seen of you anyway).
This will be hard to top!


Nigma-I like the concept, it’s a little too muddled and hard to grasp at first I think. But I love a challenging read and this is no exception. Whilst the subtlety kinda dies half way through, it still leaves me wondering exactly who this ‘girl’ is and her origins which in turn was more than enough to keep me hooked. A very sweet outcome, dope throughout imo. Imagery was top class!!!! Technically it was sound. it’s worded slightly better overall than VV’s I think. Loved reading it back.

“saw my mother dodging sniper shots while hanging laundry” - DOPE LINE
“had the prophet-like logic of seers
they'd often appear just to rob him
and sheer the opulent wisdom given by a vision beyond the sockets experience
he was often delirious. product of ominous knowledge, bombings, and pyramids” - CRAZY FLOW!

Great job!

Both pieces would win 9/10 against the average NC verse imo NO DOUBT! Top quality match up!
Fook…………… I might put your two names in a hat and one pick out lol. This is hardest vote I’ve ever had on this site! Dunno why im stressing so much

90946115839205 mins later!

mvgt/ Vivid... slightly better ending!!!

I hope we do a mag soon so I talk up this battle

[Razah]

Tough battle to vote on.


Simply put, Nigma had a better concept in my eyes. I read his verse twice, and more thoughts connected on the second read. On the other hand, I felt like Vivid had a better verse all around, as far as wording, flow, and just how much I enjoyed it. From what I remember, Nigma usually has a real solid flow, *shrugs.

I can see this battle going either way. But, I'ma have to vote for the guy whom's verse I enjoyed more, and this time around it was Vivid. Dope battle though, guys.

vVivid

[UnbornBuddha]

Vivid: At first this just read like a generic piece of a war rendition. Nothing that really caught my eye. But, then you opened up the experience by subjecting the reader to these ideas, like one's identification to one's species/race. And what best to challenge them, then a species that in a way has transcended the subjective labeling we are engulfed in. I thought, that after the landing, everything was much more interesting. The rhyming itself seemed on and off, basic rhyming with some multi's here and there. Nigma definitely has you beaten in that department. Still, I enjoyed this quite a bit, and after knowing what happened, the rereading of it is more enjoyable.

Nigma: You took a much less direct approach, as you usually do. The beginning particularly threw me off, but then as you progressed you grew less subtle and everything became clearer. The abandonment of home being parallel to becoming an alien, an outsider, a refugee. The lines everyone are pointing out with the pyramid were very strong, and VV had no lines that read as strong as this. Your rhythm wasn't as strong as it usually was, especially because of the rhymes that are put together like a puzzle "make me round to fix me...embraced me, housed no pity". I wasn't a fan of this tactic, it didn't read fluid to me. The concept itself is more pertinent in many ways, and more creative. However, there were follies I saw that kept VV's more enjoyable as a whole. For example, in order for the reader to make sense of what you were talking about, your ending suffered from making a grander statement and wasn't as impactful as could have been.

Thus.
Vote:VV

[Adonis]

Longer version in mag


Vivid wrote a linear story that was very detailed with a solid yet unrefined verse while Nigma went more metaphorical yet showed solid mechanics in certain instances coupled with more lackluster mechanics then not. Vivid out wrote his counter part

VV +5