Round One: Frank vs. Grafx [OPEN FOR VOTES]

[Adonis]

Winter Topical II: Round One


SUMMARY OF RULES:

Verses are due JAN. 11th
MONDAY at 9 P.M. Pacific/West Coast or MONDAY 11:59 PM Eastern / 6:00 AM TUESDAY JAN. 12th Central European/London
There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Thursday at 4:00 p.m. Western / or Thursday 7:00 PM Eastern / 1:00 AM Friday Central European/London Failure to vote will result in NEGATIVE VOTES if you advance to the next round.

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? You can technically start a match down three votes by failing to log a single vote the previous week.

so....

All competitors must vote on THREE battles

Read the full rules here! (http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=122320)

Topic:

http://i.imgur.com/C35Og7l.jpg

G/Luck

Frank grafx

[grafx]

check - good luck man

[Frank]

Hehehe

[Frank]

http://i.imgur.com/C35Og7l.jpg


Fireflies flickered throughout the flourishing forest in glowing embering orbs
The forest floor was torn in the disgorging horns of the heavy hooves of the menacing boars
The Prince scans through the foliage, yellowish bronze, scarlet reds, magenta decor
He dismounts his overprotective horse and steps on the moss. Exhaling fog for breath like a silhouette of exhaust
Meanwhile back in the cabin, there is the sound of a celestial yawn. A Princess awakening, her mouth stretching with awe
She wakes up surrounded by half a dozen or more little people running errands, paying her no attention
Twilight reflects from the sword. The Prince refers to his compass - a tiny, wobbly arrow directing him north.
They travel until they stumble upon a tiny home, smoke billows from the chimney, swirling with cinnamon and peppermint swarms
The Prince approaches the property and the picture temporarily distorts with psychedelic allure into a magnetic warp
The windows melt from the outside, as condensation drips from benevolent warmth
The Horses are startled by the descendance of storks with shreddering squawks
The Wicked witch plots from her Castle telepathically with a crystal meddling ball
Who is the Fairest of them all? She begs of the mirror that is set on the wall
Complimentive adoration acceptingly pours out of the reflection cementing her flaws
Sneezy, Sleepy, and Happy help the poor Princess Into a gown, out of a dress of velour
Sneezy got his name because his sneeze was so powerful, it obtained the Godbless from the lord
Sleepy got his name because he slept so deeply, he would keep the whole forest awake with his sedative snore
Happy was always pleasant, of course. His kindness was of the likeness, infectious affectionate force
Then their were four. Looking out of the windows, which were now drenched in an unexpected storm
Torrential, the lasso catches the horse: The Prince belts out HALT and he ties them to an Elm in a hoard
The Prince is subjected to scorn. The Wicked Queen assembles a squad of venomous frog, speckling warts
Grumpy runs to the Princess, frowned expression, he darts over to the Princess: softly caresses her arm
He gently alarms her as A sulking wind grouchily ill tempered huffs against the door
Bashful blushes as the winds reddened him raw. He closes the heavy door
Timidly he withdrawnly warns the others of a Giant man, standing outside, wet on the porch
The Prince calls off his men with a hesitant, hoarse voice as a shadow creeps towards the door beckoning forth
Doc opens the door, with his spectacles off. He wipes them off with a delicate cloth. Focuses the lenses with a professor's thoughts.
The Prince appears like a Peasant, disheveled and lost. As Dopey tries to shut the door - it is interjectably caught
The Wicked Queen enters the portal but is denied access to the realm of morph
She dwells and talks to the mirror that rejects and ignores her until she is nothing more than an envious whore.
The Prince walks into the cottage cabin, puts his hat down as the orchestra assembles the score
The Legend of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves

[grafx]

Comfortable and relaxed,
finally finding time, in the day to get a piece of mind.
My eyes close tasting the evils marinating in my brain.
Malicious stress detached
with massive exhales slow and steady as demons died.
Regrouping each day to pick a smile up without strenghth.

http://i.imgur.com/C35Og7l.jpg
Now I'm thinking,
temptation kills the weak.
Prostitution & hard usage of narcotics and boozes.
There's less jobs than degrees!
Mass confusion is illusion that if jobless your stupid
It's not how they make it seem.
What you do is get excuses and schools needed to do shit.
Nooses traded in for greed.
Institutions break students with tuition thats useless.
But look who's making the green....
Now I'm thinking,
Knowledge is power getting lost in a shadow of corporates.
Businesses interfering financially like only profits important.
Athletes and entertainers get advertisements & endorsements
while we have homeless in America whos educations been shortened.
Then I realized,
My brain is commiting suicide from the lack of knowledge I eat.
Comfortable and relaxed,
finally finding time, in the day to get a piece of mind.

[Pinot Grij]

grafx - I think this would have been stronger only focusing on the education angle - once I delved into the main stanza of your verse, the opening few lines seemed really out of place with what I felt you were trying to say. A pretty decent effort here - fairly simplistic but articulated well. Your rhyme scheme got more simplified as the verse wore on. I think to convey the complexity of the system you are describing, it would've been really effective to mix in in-rhymes and end-rhymes and do something completely disarming.

Frank - Frank. Frank. Frank. This is a great piece, and you are a great writer. And I am definitely voting for you - there was great complexity in this piece and you offered a different take on a classic story, so everytime you hit on an aspect of it, it stirred up a memory for me and I'm sure everyone else who reads it.

But this verse contains so many examples of my biggest pet peeve in writing these days and that's unnecessary words used to either sound smarter or matched rhyme scheme even though it doesn't make any sense.

Examples:
embering - not a word
overprotective horse - unnecessary descriptor
magenta decor - decor is a stretch when describing the outdoors
cinnamon and peppermint swarms - not really swarms, but clouds, right?
descendance of storks with shreddering squawks - shreddering?
meddling ball - the ball itself does not meddle, she does.
Complimentive - not a word
sedative snore - the snore does not sedate, if anything I would say a snore is disruptive
infectious affectionate force - affection and force feel very strange side by side
Elm in a hoard - a hoard of horses? or a hoard of dwarves? either way, very strangely worded.
sulking wind - I can't begin to imagine what a sulking wind is
Timidly he withdrawnly - withdrawnly NOT A WORD and timidly already modifies your verb
hesitant, hoarse - two very disparate adjectives given the context
Focuses the lenses - can you focus the lenses on a pair of glasses?
interjectably - not a word
realm of morph - ???
cottage cabin - isn't a cottage a cabin? and a cabin a cottage?

I don't want to shit all over the verse, but cleaning up this kind of stuff just seems to me like it would make for a much smoother, cleaner read. I don't mind cheating on diction or word use if it's done sparingly and artistically, but this is just overkill - and for no reason when you have a great verse without having to stretch it. There were many instances of outstanding rhyming within the scheme you are using:

Twilight reflects from the sword. The Prince refers to his compass - a tiny, wobbly arrow directing him north.

wet on the porch / beckoning forth / spectacles off / delicate cloth / rejects and ignores / assembles the score

I feel like this verse is a beautiful building with great architectural design that is covered in ivy.

Vote -- Frank

[Argh]

Frank

I hope you take this constructively: reading your piece felt laborious. From the stretched lines to the forced alliteration, I wasn't able to pick up on a regular cadence or flow. Conceptually, it was a literal take on the topic and a re-telling of the fairy tale we're all familiar with. You focused on the descriptive elements (which shone at times), but there was no twist on the narrative or unexpected character development. This verse didn't take me anywhere new. On the plus side, there were a few nice slant rhymes which always catch my eye.

grafx
You had an interesting take on the topic, using the poisoned apple as a metaphor for the ills of society. Unfortunately, the piece was supremely underdeveloped and suffered from lack of proofing. I'm probably coming off as a stickler, but when you misspell words and omit key punctuation, it's disruptive to the reader and takes away from the verse. I sense you have some creativity (such as the call back to book end the piece), and it will be able to soar with improved execution.

Vote
These verses were on opposite ends of the spectrum, stylistically. Frank produced the more polished piece and complete story line.

VOTE = Frank

- B.

[Mr. J]

Frank, sometimes I feel like you are the idiot savant of whichever league you are in
with that being said, I felt like you may have written this whole piece on a whim...
which is cute but you basically told a story everyone is familiar with. I stopped halfway through
forcing myself to read the excessive lines was something that I could not do...
I will say that you squeezed a few lines in that made me chuckle for sometime
but I could not bring myself to finish, I adore your return though my little concubine

Graphx...or however you spell your name after reading your post again with my free time
I am drawn to the idea you brought to the table but compared to your opponent...you need lines
where you take the simple approach your opponent would write a novel..
regardless if its good or not. what you bring to the table may or may not be awful...
either way Im enjoying these new heads that have made their appearance known
and I welcome you, and I appreciate the style you have brought with your poem...


v/well although I dont want to give it to him....this vote has to go to Frank
Graph X nice showing but you needed a bit more to knock this old cog out the clock...
nice work fellas...thanks

[UnbornBuddha]

Graph: I liked the verse, it had its moments. I could tell you are cultivating your writer's voice. Yet, one thing that really was off-putting was the lack of proofing. Basic spelling errors are the worse, "strenghth". It might not seem like a lot, but at the level of competition here, every detail matters. I understand slips here and there, but try to be more diligent, and sometimes I felt like a basic comma would have separated your thoughts better, in some instances. That said, I enjoyed the approach. But, it is not enough to best Frank.

Frank, you are one of my favorite writers. And you are really good at rhyming and I love the technical aspect of what we do, so your attempt to rap the same scheme is always impressive. However, there is always lines that seem off because to do the same scheme in each verse is going to have deleterious effects. As for the topic, I mean it was straightforward, very Frank-esque in its approach. Did I love it? No, to be frank, no pun intended. But, I can't say I myself didn't enjoy it, I did. But, it had its issues and part of them is the need to rhyme everything which contributes to wording issues. You could probably write a novel, you are very detailed in the storytelling sense. Just please don't try to rhyme it all if you do decide to write one!

Vote: Frank

[Adonis]

Frank Flawless 4-0