2tripple0 vs slecht OPEN FOR VOTES

[Inno]

LGPA Season 2: Week IV

2tripple0 slecht

Check ins: WednesdayMidnight Eastern time)
Poems Due: Friday (Midnight Eastern time)
Votes due: Sunday (Midnight Eastern time)


Topic: Summers Breeze

goodluck!

[2tripple0]

Check

[2tripple0]

Summers breeze

Whose coming up
Nothing new king tut
Sitting out back on the deck
Dragon find flesh not to beg
He admiited it was stressful he looked perplexed
The stuff that was worthless his thoughts about text
Concerning gone with the wind so just finish him
There's no reason to do anything but go fishing
I rip threw this in minutes I wrote new beginnings

She said that's good right left him struggling overt
It was his mixtape she pointed out
And the coin toss laughing to avoid growth spurts
The season just starting this his second verse
Better learn the weapon first message like a descendant of colours

My lane I switch they hate when things like that don't go their way
Proud enough to make a statement just happened to be false nothing to claim
Gotta learn to crawl before u walk
automatic transmission can't stahl
So u can go on your own way so the traffic doesnt jam
Even erratics establish what others can't
Moment spans this rave explosive stance clogged its rave its true its no soft romance
I left this too late spent all my frames
The text about to fade
Im just adjusting by accepting my fate
The same everythings the same
like tupac we need to make sum changes
Were all preying we can change places
and rearrange those features in our faces.
And rearrange those leeches who make payments.

[slech]

damn I needed an ext
2tripple0

[slech]

https://41.media.tumblr.com/c8d5d03d723b4f278143929230cc6bea/tumblr_mrykxyGgTZ1su3gupo1_500.jpg

''Summer Breeze''

It's Summer 99',
I'm somewhere in Bonaire.
Tracing my ancestor roots.
Adventure is in the air.

It's the summer breeze.
My butchered Papiamentu.
Corona with the lime.
Her name was Eve.

She was from Orenjastad.
Corona with the lime.
Curly hair and caramel skin.
I was still a bit jet-lagged, rotterdam time.

Summer Breeze.
Sunset escape with the ease.
Naked truth with eve.
Till next time, I believe.

[Objective]

2tripple0 - I know I'm nazi on this kind of shit but your poem would really get a lot better with punctuation, specially thinking about the last line in your first stanza. ''I rip threw this in minutes I wrote new beginnings'', the ''I'' is a capital letter which means that it could both be the start of a sentence or continued on an existing one making me having to read the last line twice to be sure it was meant as two sentences and not one, the rhythm is also helped dramatically with punctuation whereas in regular text in rap-style is helped a lot by rhyme alone and certain poetry does this as well, even more so in poems that uses a known set form of the structure. Nursery rhymes alone unfortunately won't help much either if they're this distant to each other.

The rhythm of the piece switches up quite a bit too, an ongoing theme in terms of structure could have helped this as well. Freeform is freeform but it's also the laziest so imo you need to guide the reader a bit with any tool you have at hand unless you're going for some concepts in terms of writing which I didn't pick up on with this one. It could also need some better structure of the sentences as well making them easier to understand, mainly thinking about ''dragon find flesh not to beg'', I don't truly get what you're actually getting at although the following lines sort of helps it. Make the sentences clearer along with improvements on punctuation and you'll create a much better reading experience along with a better piece overall due to it feeling more ''complete''.

It wasn't all negative though, you had some great lines here and there like the ''Moment spans this rave explosive stance''-sentence. One of the sentences that really caught my attention was this: ''Better learn the weapon first message like a descendant of colours'', really descriptive imagery and I absolutely loved it, best in your piece imho. That was beautiful, if you had managed to keep the poem this consistent overall it would have been a solid piece imo.

Slecht - Short and sweet. Thought the last stanza was your weakest of the four as it felt a bit sporadic in terms of sentence building tbh, it worked well in stanza 3 line 4, a bit longer than the rest of the sentences but it created a natural and pretty sweet end to it before heading into the last stanza.

Overall I thought it was decent. Simple in a straight to the point but not really kind of way. Against a stronger opponent you'll lose with this but I think it was a great effort either way. Good showing.

Vote - Slecht.

[Vulgar]

2triple0 - What exactly is your creative process when writing poetry, triple? I see you as a guy who doesn't think hard about what he says, he just says it, and this isn't necessarily a negative thing at all. Listening to the impulses, the voices in your head, and expressing them with immediacy has its advantages; it displays belief in your writer's instincts. I do think, however, that your discipline is off. Your form of self criticism is nearly not there at all, judging from the ups and downs and varied directions of the text. Stream of consciousness is fine, but I would like to see some clearer intentions. You've got some sharp wording which can be mistaken as rambling by some. Some writers go with their feeble attempts to describe things or make an innovative statement (I fall victim to this more often than not) but you have this honey badger way about you, this fearless way of plowing forward and marking the earth. At times, it acts as an obstruction for you because you lack refinement. Your style is very much an embryo of what it could be.

slecht - This was a simple yet substantive approach that will go over well on this site. You'll find that Cimmerian is also a proponent of a kind of rhyme-minimalism. On the poetry side, it is always a welcome art form because it encourages being a proponent of the "make every word count" movement. I thought it was cool, overall.

Vote - slecht

[grafx]

Triple

overall man - I'm not sure what direction you where taking here with summer breeze.- from my understanding and quote me if I'm wrong, but the layout seemed to jump around quite a bit. This is fine at times, but the connection seemed vague. Meaning you went from fishing to a girl leaving him struggling because of a mixtape, then how you have to find your way, then how people constantly paying to live. That is my understanding. Anyways I like your writing style, but I don't think this piece was suited well for the topic - other than that keep writing.

vs

slecht

nice little short pattern here. abab rhyme schemes flow well so nothing wrong with doing it. overall it was short and sweet. Discussing how you took a trip, met a girl shortly after which ended in a romantic affair. When the sun comes up you leave to only do it again. - that's my understanding anyway.

v/slecht - i enjoyed it just a bit more topic wise and the rhyme scheme didn't hurt but i didn't base it off that because poetry doesn't have to rhyme. Plus triple had a decent rhyme to his also in a different style which was also enjoyable as a free flow.

[Frank]

2Triple0 has mastered the stream of consciousness flow. His thought process has no buffer. He is the equivalent of what you and I would produce if we simply let Voice to text write our verses out. Dude has zero inkling of respect for any type of critique. Therev s a lot to learn from A writer such as Triple0. He simply doesn't give a hoot. He is unflappable. He has endured the backslash of hundreds of negative comments and it simply does not phase triple0. He continues to lose battle after battle and he always comes back for more. Either he is too stupid to adapt or he has biggest testicular fortitude of any Netcees member. He has his moments. Truth be told there is a grand complexity to his off kilter style. I find myself trying to find a deeper meaning, a lot of the time. Almost as if I AM the simpleton? Its more like me simply giving triple0 the benefit of the doubt. A unique writer who could be far off from his prime. A zany thinker who lacks technical abilities, but excels in "I don't give a fuck". Again, an inspiration to all.

Sletch
One of the purest poem formats I have witnessed in this league thus far. You did more with less. More or less it was a exotic escape for me during these bitter cold days. I am a Winter baby, but this poem brought about a slight ray of the summer light upon this cold day.

Voting Sletch for utilizing the topic

[Inno]

Slecht wins