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View Full Version : GodComplex vs. Pent uP - OPEN FOR VOTES


Adonis
01-14-2016, 09:50 PM
Winter Topical II: Round II


SUMMARY OF RULES:

Verses are due JAN. 19th
TUESDAY at 9 P.M. Pacific/West Coast or TUESDAY 11:59 PM Eastern / 6:00 AM WEDNESDAY JAN. 20th Central European/London
There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Thursday at 4:00 p.m. Western / or Thursday 7:00 PM Eastern / 1:00 AM Friday Central European/London Failure to vote will result in NEGATIVE VOTES if you advance to the next round.

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? You can technically start a match down three votes by failing to log a single vote the previous week.

so....

All competitors must vote on THREE battles

Read the full rules here! (http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=122320)

Topic: Dreams Of Reality


G/Luck

Pent uP Godcomplex

Pent uP
01-14-2016, 09:54 PM
Hollapalooza

Voted nyc
Cimm
Vividly

UnbornBuddha
01-14-2016, 11:34 PM
Let's see...

UnbornBuddha
01-19-2016, 11:22 PM
The dream of reality and the reality of dreams

Listening helplessly to my shadow’s message,
A frightening rendition from my adolescence.
Feeding me back every image my heart ingested,
The past’s reflection; that I could look back at and grasp the lessons.
Paralyzed, because when he comes I can’t ask him questions,
I go mad witnessing my own confession like I’m part detective
Unraveling the mystery trapped within my other half-- I’m guessing.
He tells me of the various Boogieman found underneath my mattress/ deathbed.
I see serene black pestilence juxtaposing against a happy setting.
Dreaming is the everlasting expression of the path I’m destined for.
Narcoleptic snore turns my waking life into something I’ve overslept before
Abandoning the realm of form as I enter my other corpse. Self-absorbed.
Traveling into my inner core, hell adorned, just like heaven’s floor.
It is here my shadow whispers to me death in code;
As he reveals it, he entrenches a sword into what I’ve dreamt is my soul.
I felt so cold after he pulled it out and carried me to an angelic morgue.
I awoke in a cold sweat; I’m glad I did for I would have died a second more
Swerving, I slam on the brakes before another being's hemorrhaging begins.
I myself get injured, but nothing more than an appendage being stitched.

But, just as the doctor threads the needle in—I see the menacing evil grin.
I’ve fallen again, only this time, entering into the memories of events
I would rather remain energy unmanifested, for the rest of eternity I have left;
The illusion from whence everything heads toward, so as to internally rest.
As I descend perversity steps, he follows me in, observing my restlessness
I am proof that only God is eternally death. I say this searching the endlessness;
The abyss of my own reality I formed by purging my sentience, murdering benevolence.
It is here in this nightmare I shall face the reason for my condition.
My shadow appears, accusing me of being the demon of my cognition. Not he.
I tell him “I’m not sleeping due to volition”. Come see.
We merge into one and let the scenes before us numb me;
Until I become submerged in the deepest of REM sleep.
That’s when the hungry wolf transcends sheep,
Condemned fiend surpassing the position held by the gentry.
Looking at the inner eye of God, a feat all Zen seeks to not seek.
But, I don’t see divinity;
Instead, I see the beast, the colossus leviathan that is a piece of me,
The dream within a dream—a noxious evil yin disease.
Narcoleptic snore turns my waking life into something I’ve overslept before
Abandoning the realm of form as I surrender my other corpse. Self-absorbed.
Tales of lore, as the doctor tries to shake me awake.
But, it’s futile for I’ve already made my way into the place of my true faith.
I was afraid for so long,
But the shadowy apparition of mine was my true face.
My narcolepsy was contracted by having to live in this world that half-exists,
Akin to a longing of relief from the pain of a phantom limb
Following my shadow’s whim, I abandoned it.
So I could fathom amid a dream world
That speaks through archetypal design without worldly languages.
After all, words are sanctioned sins that contaminate the Imagination.
Yet, I slowly perish because this world is animated by the operation
Of the other one. And since I’m no longer there I start to wander off.
Fragmentary fractals experienced crystallizing into another’s thoughts.
Fading away, I’m okay with going further on;
Subsisting in the subtle echelons of existence is all too bothersome.

Pent uP
01-19-2016, 11:35 PM
Dreams of Reality

Dawn of a day,
The stubble is half clean..
So sleep deprived I could trouble a crackfiend to double the caffine.
Guzzle the vaccine until the buzz is felt aptly.
The shuttle is rattling as it shuffles at max speed.
Tumultous half beings that trust I know the way
cut, cuss, and clash as they rush to get overpaid.
Carpool for one makes the accustomed road estranged -
Today I carry the weight on rusted shoulders blades.
The would-be conversation is a hum in my cabin
that's as forward moving as being stuck in this traffic.
People visualize life as monochromatic -
with highlights lived through hues from a colorful palette.
The drive imitates life and I watch how art grows land plots -
A hint of blue in the horizon of the charcoal backdrop
as hilly silhouttes form from the harsh roads blacktop.
A low fog makes the scene float and cars go blast off -
Misty windshields turn trailing taillights into thrusters.
Speed demons keep weaving but I stay right of the truckers
So I can watch the sun paint night into summer -
Then I feel my face brighten as the gray skies gain a luster.
A quaint silence hides behind the sound of tires on wet pavement
that tickles my senses like fire and fresh bacon.
Transformation of the morning expires the stress agents
and I feel ready to be the best for the first time like prior to gestation.
The doors to work -
A portal perched between color and canvass.
A formal world beneath a sunken Atlantis.
Necessity drowned by luggage and baggage plunged in our travels.
Where an artists honest thoughts switch from a brush to the patterns.
Intangible vapors expand and manage the labor -
Turning entropys equation into a mechanical nature.
Holding on to coffee like hope in a graphic container -
Separated identity defined by the craft on the paper.

They argue whether I'm blank or quite vivid -
Some say the paint is white, but I say
its stylistic.

Cimmerian
01-20-2016, 10:38 AM
Godcomplex

Personal interpretation: My interpretation was a journey through a narcoleptic's mind.

Praise: Applying my interpretation to the piece, I liked how it was difficult to discern reality from dream.

Constructive Criticism: For me, it was a little too dense. I felt that you purposely created some irrational descriptions to make the piece feel more dream-like or unlike reality. For example,

"serene black pestilence"
"angelic morgue"
"hell adorned, just like heaven’s floor"

While dreams can be nonsensical, I didn't feel that the nonsensical descriptions aided the reader. For me, it was a little distracting because I would sit and think what you were trying to depict.

Being descriptive is great. It brings the reader into the piece. But some dense descriptions didn't help, which also can be distracting. For example:

"Fragmentary fractals experienced crystallizing into another’s thoughts."

In the beginning of the line, you seek to use alliteration, which is nice. But what is the net descriptive result? I know what a fractal is. But how am I supposed to envision a fragmentary fractal? How is a fragmentary fractal experienced? Does experienced (past tense) and crystallizing (present participle) work together here? How do fragmentary fractals crystalize into another's thoughts?


Pent uP

Personal interpretation: This was the story of a man's morning journey to work that applied an extended metaphor of an astronaut a la Bernie Taupin in Elton John's 1972 hit, "Rocket Man." The piece was interspersed with some magic realism-type imagery and/or references to visual art/painting.

Praise: As mentioned above, you implemented two different themes here, the space metaphor and the visual art. The space metaphor worked particularly well for me because I have personally felt that a half-asleep state can make the commute feel other worldly. The visual art theme led to some interesting descriptions. I particularly liked:

"People visualize life as monochromatic -
with highlights lived through hues from a colorful palette"

and

"They argue whether I'm blank or quite vivid -
Some say the paint is white, but I say
its stylistic."

Constructive criticism: With praise being given to the themes, I had some difficulty connecting the two themes together. Was that supposed to represent the disconnect between events in a dream? Was it a dream? or daydream? I didn't gather that impression from the read. I read it more as a linear story from the commute to the office. Was the narrator an artist and that's how we're supposed to make the connection? I am not sure. The description of a "formal" world in a somewhat sterile environment led me to believe this wasn't an office for creative types.

Also, at times, I felt that the content was sacrificed for the flow. For example:

"A quaint silence hides behind the sound of tires on wet pavement
that tickles my senses like fire and fresh bacon."

Perhaps I'm not being analytical enough, but I could not figure out:

1. How a "quaint" silence hides
2. How silence "hides" behind another sound
3. How either silence of the sound of tires "tickles" senses
4. How either sound would "tickle" the senses like cooking bacon.

Minor quibbles: "caffeine" and "shoulder blades" seemed to me to be the proper spellings. I'm not sure if "aptly" worked phrasing wise or meaning wise, although I felt you were trying to relate the buzz of caffeine to the buzzing of lift-off. Not sure if "shuffles" was the best word choice for space craft movement. I do not know what a "graphic container" is.

Overall: I hope any constructive criticism I provided was inoffensive. I could be absolutely wrong with what I suggested. I enjoyed reading both pieces. In my opinion, Godcomplex's concept tackled the topic more head-on. But Pent uP's execution of his topic was better. I felt the rhyming was pretty even. For me this was very close. I vote Pent uP based on which piece I enjoyed reading more. Nice job, both of you.

Cimm.

Pinot Grij
01-21-2016, 02:21 PM
GC - your opener is otherworldly. Stupid good.

Listening helplessly to my shadow’s message,
A frightening rendition from my adolescence.
Feeding me back every image my heart ingested,
The past’s reflection; that I could look back at and grasp the lessons.
Masterful. I got tripped up when you hit "part detective". But it fit the storyline perfectly, so I'm not too upset about it.

"mattress/ deathbed." - that's a cool concept the way you laid it out - I like the idea - my only drawback is that in this instance, the way the rhyme scheme was reading in my head, I felt like I was reading mattressdeathbed really quickly as though it was one word. Small quibble, all in all though.

The rhyme change was a little less than smooth also since technically "destined" in "destined for" fit with the previous scheme... it was a bit jarring when I hit that change. But the "destined for" scheme itself throughout the next couple lines was good. "Entrenched a sword" is a bit of awkward wording.

The abyss of my own reality I formed by purging my sentience, murdering benevolence.
It is here in this nightmare I shall face the reason for my condition.
My shadow appears, accusing me of being the demon of my cognition. Not he.
I tell him “I’m not sleeping due to volition”. Come see.
By contrast, this rhyme change is incredible. "Cognition". full stop. "Not he." I get the full cue to chnage my focus. Then full stop. "Come see". I love how that was executed.

Following my shadow’s whim, I abandoned it.
So I could fathom amid a dream world
That speaks through archetypal design without worldly languages.
After all, words are sanctioned sins that contaminate the Imagination.
Outstanding expression.


So, here's what I dig - you are able to strongly execute these ethereal, conceptual pieces but still have a cogent storyline. The shadow was a conceptual character, but you didn't get too lost in highfalutin diction. Which is an easy trap to fall into. This was a cool story and a solid thinking piece.

Pent - A strong opener, just one nitpick for me inthat I wouldn't ask a crackfiend for caffeine. This line could've been more straightforward if it was just something along the lines of "So sleep deprived I could be troubled to double the caffeine." I would've dug it more.

Guzzle the vaccine until the buzz is felt aptly.
The shuttle is rattling as it shuffles at max speed.
Tumultous half beings that trust I know the way
cut, cuss, and clash as they rush to get overpaid.
I love the description of coffee as a vaccine. "Max speed" is a bit of a tough sell in this rhyme scheme, but I've been in the position where a near-rhyme almost fits with the scheme and I want to force it in. "Know the way / overpaid" - dope. I like that you draw these people as so ungrateful for what they have. It'll give me pause next time I'm bitching about traffic on my way to my cushy job.

People visualize life as monochromatic -
with highlights lived through hues from a colorful palette.
Outrageously good.

Speed demons keep weaving but I stay right of the truckers
So I can watch the sun paint night into summer -
Then I feel my face brighten as the gray skies gain a luster.
Again. Insane. Painting this vivid picture (literally) of such a mundane occurrence that every reader can relate to is quite the achievement.

The gestation line is pretty awkward given the road your piece is headed down. Didn't like that.

Necessity drowned by luggage and baggage plunged in our travels.
Where an artists honest thoughts switch from a brush to the patterns.
Very nice.

Turning entropys equation into a mechanical nature.
I think this line would've read cleaner if you dropped the "a" and just went with "mechanical nature".

The closing line is really good too. The way that I interpret this verse, it's a painter that works for a corporation in order to pay the bills instead of being able to follow his heart and make true art. In that vein, he sees artistic potential in even the most mundane of activities - such as traffic - because he does not have an artistic outlet at his place of business. "Separated identity defined by the craft on the paper." What he makes is just making a living - not living out his passion.

This is a really tough choice. Both heavyweight competitors and both really strong showings. My tendency is always to prioritize the more relatable content - and for me that was Pent Up's verse. Whereas GC's character dealt with a dual-personality type problem that was a dope concept - Pent tackled everyday mundanity and brought it to life. I felt like I had more to chew on after Pent's verse. GC although had prettier rhymes at times, I felt there were a few more mechanical hiccups.

Vote -- Pent Up

Mr. J
01-21-2016, 05:01 PM
Buddha, I really like that you are in the tourney because its worthwhile watching you work
I feel like from the start of the verse you had a great idea for where you were going to take this
but towards the end of it you tried to switch up the flow and it just felt unauthentic afterwards
I feel as if you took a step back and eventually came to do the second part of this whole piece
but towards the end of that second verse you start to pick up on things again which was nice
I felt that if you kept the same scheme throughout you may have pulled off a flawless verse
either way I thought you put in some decent time into this because I just read it again and even though that transition fucks it up for me I still like it .

Pent, that opening up until road estranged was doooope
I really enjoy your use of slant rhymes it really brings out some slick flow
the approach to the topic really makes all of these ideas you have work together
your vocab really stands out as well this was one of the more enjoyable reads Ive had today aside from your opponents. nice work

v/Well this was quite an impressive battle to say the least, I always enjoy a good competitive showing
the fact that your styles clash so well makes this even better upon a third & fourth read
I thought that Buddha came with that old school funk that he always brings to the table without failure.
and then we have Pent who is a blend of intellectual & poetic prose making it much more exciting due to his recent in-activities
both had a few stumbles here & there but I feel like they both made up for it by being so swift with the pens
the slip ups seem like intentional mishaps to break up the field & it brings focus to some important areas
I really enjoyed both pieces but I feel that due to his more direct approach and fuller verse he may have edged it out
of course thats not saying his opponent didnt do the same its just that its somewhat tough to focus on which is better
the styles & the flows its just an impressive bout. but Im leaning towards GodComplex on this one...
its a great battle & feel like this can go either way....

NYCSPITZ
01-21-2016, 10:22 PM
I feel this was a god tier clash of SOLDIERS and I will edit in my vote soon after I buy whiskey and order a pizza

NYCSPITZ
01-22-2016, 01:35 AM
Buddha I thought your verse was cool somtimes a little change could've made the rhymes smoother like "half detective" instead of part detective but that's minor.

Abandoning the realm of form as I enter my other corpse. Self-absorbed.
Traveling into my inner core, hell adorned, just like heaven’s floor.

^^ that flows dope and sounds cool but I just don't know why heaven's floor is hell adorned although I'mguessing it's something about rising above futility to reach a higher perspective/reality.

It is here my shadow whispers to me death in code;
As he reveals it, he entrenches a sword into what I’ve dreamt is my soul.
I felt so cold after he pulled it out and carried me to an angelic morgue.
I awoke in a cold sweat; I’m glad I did for I would have died a second more
Swerving, I slam on the brakes before another being's hemorrhaging begins.
I myself get injured, but nothing more than an appendage being stitched.

^ I enjoy the ambiguity and detatchment of this section. Nice tonality and I think setting the atmopshere is one of your stronger points. It works well here because the topic naturally lends itself to your forte.

But, just as the doctor threads the needle in—I see the menacing evil grin.
I’ve fallen again, only this time, entering into the memories of events

^^ sick rhyme

My shadow appears, accusing me of being the demon of my cognition. Not he.
I tell him “I’m not sleeping due to volition”. Come see.
We merge into one and let the scenes before us numb me;
Until I become submerged in the deepest of REM sleep.
That’s when the hungry wolf transcends sheep,
Condemned fiend surpassing the position held by the gentry.

^^^ Probably the best part of your verse, you're experimenting with more laconic wording it it's better than the more mechanical sometimes dull wording you use sometimes, which is a necessary outflow perhaps of your cognition.

The end seemed blase to me. It just seemed a bit arrogant is all, but liked the idea of being able to let go because reality is too bothersome, reminds me of rust cohle. Slow death, literal or figurative, by focusing on "your higher perception of reality" is a bit arrogant and in the end immature just imo. You're subsisting in this world of flesh and it's all so bothersome because you lifted the veil but to focus too much on spirituality defeats the purpose of a corporeal existence. I thoroughly enjoyed various lines and themes here but the ending just doesn't resonate with me.

Pent up:

Dawn of a day,
The stubble is half clean..
So sleep deprived I could trouble a crackfiend to double the caffine.
Guzzle the vaccine until the buzz is felt aptly.
The shuttle is rattling as it shuffles at max speed

^^^ very ill opener, I love the cadence of it and the double the crackfiend line is just worded like butter. Already introducing many literary elements within a condensed space and got me sort of wondering what's about to pop off next

Tumultous half beings that trust I know the way
cut, cuss, and clash as they rush to get overpaid.
Carpool for one makes the accustomed road estranged -
Today I carry the weight on rusted shoulders blades.

Dope sort of cutting insight into automatons rushing to work. I'm not really sure what you mean by rusted shoulder blades other than maybe you're being worn down by some burden but the metaphor works because razor blades get rusty yo. Thought that was a slightly strange yet effective description...Maintaining the smoothness...

The would-be conversation is a hum in my cabin
that's as forward moving as being stuck in this traffic.
People visualize life as monochromatic -
with highlights lived through hues from a colorful palette.

^^ madd dope. Flows dope and it just onnects deep on multiple levels. the precision of the wording and the multiple ideas this conveys is staggering imo. Thought u ended well here, was expecting something of an emphatic ending but you maintained a sort of serene setting which worked well.

V/ Pent up

Frank
01-22-2016, 03:33 AM
Godcomplex

Surreal verse, kid. You teeter tottered through the different stages and phases of sleep. It reminded me of what one would write under extreme sleep deprivation. I compared the verse to a cold sweaty awakening where you are catapulted into a realm of uncertainty and fear of the unknown. You drew the reader through this hazy, trance like state of mind. I imagined a turbulent, off the wall, eerily disturbing camera shot, kinda like Requiem for a dream. The verse unraveled on itself like a truly mad individual losing his shit. The verse came to a psychotic hault of sorts. It came to a close on a wandering, fading, perishing note. Straight jacket. I do not want to patronize the Season 5 champions technical abilities. I didn't judge this verse based on the multies or the flow but rather on the essence. A memorable verse, in a amnesiac kind of way.

Pent uP

Old nemesis you've built a name for yourself that supersedes you. What I mean is, Pent uP is a household name - beyond this board you are a transcendent of RM and other sites and your legacy follows you wherever you go. I can recall being truly honored to have had you acknowledge me when I first arrived at Netcees, which must have been 4-5 years ago. I was a dominant force at RhymeNReason eons back and I followed the RSTL from a great distance. I wanted to do battle with the Legends, to see how I stacked up. Me and you have gone on to have a rich history together. I remember you constantly banning all my Aliases in the early NWL days, which ultimately made the Red Glare account all the more sweeter :) I wanted to personally Thank You for being a prestigious presence in my writing career early on and inspiring me to be a more legendary writer than yourself.

With all that said, I don't feel like your verse was great enough to dethrone the current season 5 title holder. Returning from a long hiatus to Face the Current CHAMP is no small task. As a former champion yourself, you must understand the politics. It takes a monumental effort to knock the God Complex off the bracket this early in the tournament. This was my pick for BOTW. This battle transcended real life for me. I was hyped up in real life to witness this show down. Two forces from different eras colliding. Whoa. It had all the elements of a true classic. People throw around the word classic but this matchup truly deserved that claim. And The actual battle did not disappoint. But only one of the two competitors truly showed up and that verse belonged to God Complex

Look forward to battling the both of you again again and again throughout the years. I respect very few writers on this website, but you two definitely have my utmost

PiE
01-22-2016, 10:30 AM
GC, I actually like you bringing the colorful subject of narco.. I can't spell it, but the concept you used was a great idea. Your start was good and seemed like it would open up more, but it kind of continued and really didn't open up to me. Like the different feeling of being awake to being out in a flash. In the end, the flow was hard to follow and the content seemed lack luster. Great idea, needed more content.


Pent, it was cool how you took a very simple task of driving through traffic, maybe to work, into a colorful collage of actions. You're flow and depth into the subject made this even more enjoyable to read. Depressing expressions, but that's probably the viewpoint of most of the country on their way to work.

Vote Pent

e11even
01-22-2016, 05:38 PM
GC- the way you prepare your concepts is very eloquent and almost vague, but digestible when read uninterrupted. That said, it took me three reads to grasp the full concept of what I believe this piece entails. I think you did much more for the content than the flow here. This scope of language in this consistency may be difficult to maintain with an excellent flow, so I think I get that. I think the repetitive narcoleptic passage was cool and the character deciding to (die?) was very interesting. That dark introspective type of piece is right up my mind's alley. I liked this. Some parts of the passage seemed a little repetitive and a little on the nonsensical side (evil yin disease, the Zen line ending, doctor's evil grin, etc.), but I wanted more on the car crash and why the character was 'narcoleptic' until willingly dead or in a coma. Good job overall.

Pent up- The flow was pretty sharp a good ways through the piece until it became a litlle simpler in the end. The content was pretty dope with each concept having a standout metaphor section to back it. The pacing was good and though the overall story was kinda flat for me, it embraced that with the last line summing up the shuttles driver's argument for him turnin mediocre days into vivd dreamworlds. Pretty cool twist in that aspect.

MVGT Pent Up for an overall cleaner and sharper read with better mechanics.