NYCSPITZ vs. Diode - OPEN FOR VOTES

[Adonis]

Winter Topical II: Round II


SUMMARY OF RULES:

Verses are due JAN. 19th
TUESDAY at 9 P.M. Pacific/West Coast or TUESDAY 11:59 PM Eastern / 6:00 AM WEDNESDAY JAN. 20th Central European/London
There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Thursday at 4:00 p.m. Western / or Thursday 7:00 PM Eastern / 1:00 AM Friday Central European/London Failure to vote will result in NEGATIVE VOTES if you advance to the next round.

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? You can technically start a match down three votes by failing to log a single vote the previous week.

so....

All competitors must vote on THREE battles

Read the full rules here! (http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=122320)

Topic: A Lull In The End


G/Luck

Diode NYCSPITZ

[NYCSPITZ]

It probably only took him a second - maybe less
before he surveyed his qualms with life and lay them to rest
stress at play; there's no room to be divisive or bitch
a most critical game was playing and his life was at risk
knife in his fist...he's handling it with laudable aplomb
as time froze, nearly whispering inaudible songs...
The tall man before him didn't seem to dawdle or plod -
awesome and strong, he stood tall with an unstoppable calm
"My name is Death, friend...I've searched within you for the knowledge of man"
- and staring into his unflappable gaze, the knife dropped from his hand
"I've watched you live since birth, only wishing you wisdom and gratitude
only to see you throw it away to greed and a cynical attitude
armed-robbery, lust...gambling and all manner of sin
so play me poker for your life - it's your hand to begin"
mist enveloped the wooden drawbridge he was walking across
looking down he finds a table with matching chairs of burgundy cloth
skull and bones appear on the velvet surface as he waits to be dealt -
and two cards materialize right in front of him on the table of felt
He peeks - king/queen offsuit! His pulse quickens...but something starts to bother the calm
when the face cards' pictures melt and turn to pictures of his father and mom
Death looks at his hand, grins slightly and chortles a bit
his cloak invoking the void, a billowing and dark sartorial pick
three translucent cards rise to play, gaining form as fate settles them flat
flipping over sequentially to three hearts: a king, ten and a jack
he looks Death in the eye - could the sunnovabitch have a straight or a flush?
or pocket aces...etiher way he could be majorly fucked
his father barks from below: "fold you no good lazy failure of flesh!"
mother in an undertone: "you derelict...he'll see through your bluffs and lay you to rest."
"To hell with both of you" he announced, slamming his fist unusually hard
when his son Jackson called out (his first words) from the community cards
"papa...WAAAAHHH...I'm hungry papa..."
He stood up quick as a flash, and told Death off something proper
striding through mist he cursed Death for delaying him with very little pretend
...but kept running into him and his table again and again
he sat back down, resigned after venting venom and steam galore
his father barks: "Ha! I knew you'd come and fuck this up even more!"
he calls Death's raise, then another king appears on the turn
Trip Kings? Shit...if he didn't go all-in it'd be clearly absurd
Death checks. Looking slightly nervous he fidgets and blinks
"fuck you death - I'm going all-in on this bitch!"
The skies quiver and fog lifts, revealing nature's penchant for art
Death takes off his - hoody? It's actually his friend Steve on a bench in the park
"You sobering up bro? We've been awake for forty hours - it's about to be noon
that was a great combo though - taking ayauasca and shrooms
you thought I was death! hahaaa...well guess the damage is through
oh yea...we spent your son's formula money on camels and booze"
He threw up, dizzy as hell acclimating to the city park and the sound of sirens
relieved. vowing to live his life better in the awkward silence

[Diode]

extemporaneous explosions scatter light years across
gassing green flashes, violent violets, crimson gashes
purple hues expanding underside and aloft
space remains unbound to sound
waves ebb and flow without structure
frequency frequently flutters
the known universe is born

accretive disks surround stars in emerging galaxies
tragically, the majesty of some suns leave planets atrophied
but their gravity sucks satellites into stable orbits
physics fill the atomic structure with a subscriptive system
sapien scientists call it highly ordered

though it isn't meant to be

is it entropy?
an inescapable excoriating aspect of existence
flaying layers of our status as bits of matter twist and tatter
futile to resistence, ever expanding, simply scattered
this is death: decaying splatter

perhaps it is the inverse!
shrinking slowly to singularity
fusing particles, photons, nuons, quarks in parity
all of time unbreaking lines, infinite upon itself
collapsing in an instant into the endless hand we're dealt

whatever is the course, zero or relentless bend
it always starts and finishes.. with a lull in the end

[Argh]

Interesting match up.

NYCSPITZ
There were some technical flaws with your writing, from shifting tenses (past to present a third of the way through) to misusing phrases. Beyond that, there were some creative moments in the narrative. My favorite visual was the faces on the playing cards morphing into the faces of the character's parents. The story line was pretty enjoyable but the drug trip ending was a bit of a cop out.

Diode
I can't even recall the last verse of yours I've read. Anyway, your piece raised some comtemplative questions about the scope of the universe and our existence in it. The closer was a nice way to tie everything together. On a few lines, you sacrificed meaning for the sake of alliteration ("violent violets") and employed word choices that were a mouthful ("inescapable excoriating aspect of existence").

Vote
I think readers will be pretty divided when it comes to voting. In this instance, the more cerebral verse won me over, much of it having to do with execution. Diode had the more polished writing and thoughtful concept.

VOTE = Diode

[Cimmerian]

NYCSPITZ

Personal interpretation: You describe a poker game between a man and Death which results in a twist ending. Prior to the twist, I felt that you were channeling the 1957 Swedish film, Det sjunde inseglet (The Seventh Seal), where a knight plays chess with Death.

Praise: I enjoyed the storytelling. I play in a weekly cash game so the subject matter was particularly appealing to me.

Constructive Criticism: At first, I had some difficulty deciphering how the piece was going to address the concept. But I interpreted the twist being the lull , literally at the end. The "it was all a dream, or in this case, a hallucination" twist was ok. As a I mentioned in Pinot Grij's verse last week, it could be considered trite. I may have enjoyed the twist more had there been some context of it weaved into the story.

Diode

Personal interpretation: You tackle the universe, specifically the Big Bang, and perhaps the Big Crunch.

Praise: Taken in pieces, your opening painted some nice descriptions. For example:

"green gasses"
"crimson gashes"
"purple hues expanding"

It reminded me of some of the artist-colored photographs from the Hubble.

The rhyming was not traditional but it was present and I think I was able to read it with the delivery that you intended. It was enjoyable.

Constructive criticism: I'm not a scientist but I love science. So, please take these thoughts from the layperson I am in the area.

"accretive disks" - I'm not sure if the use of "disk" was right for the piece. You painted some lovely images of an expanding three dimensional world in the beginning and then you use disk to describe what I interpreted to be planets. You took me to 2D, which was a little odd giving the overall context.

I believe that you were describing the "Big Crunch" theory in the last portion of the piece. But, if I'm not mistaken, most scientists theorize that the Big Crunch will result in the next Big Bang. Therefore, there would be no lull in the end.

Overall: This was a difficult topic to write on. NYCSPITZ had an interesting story and Diode brought some cool imagery. I vote NYCSPITZ.

[Pinot Grij]

NYCSPITZ - nice start tonally and rhythmically.

"laudable aplomb" is quite the mouthful.
"unstoppable calm" - kind of an oxymoron, no?
knowledge of man / dropped from his hand - nice couplet
same with the wisdom and gratitude / cynical attitude
the misty drawbridge - it's like your building the scene as you go along, but it totally works. I mean, you didn't need to establish location off the top of your verse, but since you've introduced that it's a meeting with Death himself, then a misty drawbridge makes sense.
burgundy cloth - this is that spitz thing where you pull random details out of nowhere
dark sartorial pick - a weird time to be mentioning his choice of clothes / strange couplet
All your rhyming about actual poker hands and card suits and shit is spot on - that's a terribly hard subject to enter and rhyme with confidence without bending your verse to the subject, but you pulled it off nicely in almost every instance
"fold you no good lazy failure of flesh!" - a big pet peeve of mine is when shit is put into quotations but would never actually come out of a living person's mouth. If you're going to insert dialogue, make it believable.
very little pretend - ???

As a matter of taste - I really hated the twist ending. I was "all in" (heh) on your Death scene and you pulled the rug out from under me for something way less thrilling.

Diode - lack of structure in the opening stanza irks me. I mean, I love the off-rhyme schemes, but I think you need at least one clear end-line rhyme to anchor things. "across / aloft" seemed too distant for me. Besides that, your diction is great. "violent violets" "unbound to sound" "frequency frequently". Loved that shit - shows a meticulous attention to detail that all writers should appreciate.

I liked "galaxies / atrophied" in the next rhyme scheme - but "tragically" and "majesty" fall too easily into that rhyme pattern that it looked a little telegraphed. "Stable orbit" sounds so dope that I was dying for a multi that I never got. Once again, diction-wise this stanza is on point, but rhyme wise it leaves something to be desired.

bits of matter twist and tatter - dope

I stopped breaking things down here because I started to follow your reasoning - which is a good thing. "Relentless bend" - once again a great turn of phrase in this verse.

I have to say, I was sucked into the world Spitz built, but felt short changed when it all turned out to be some druggie's hallucination. Diode gave a much more dense and thought-provoking piece - words were precisely chosen, yet the rhyming aspect felt incomplete

Despite the disappointment, I still enjoyed the ride I got from NYC's verse more.

Vote -- NYCSPITZ

[UnbornBuddha]

This was a very intriguing battle. Very different styles and its nice to see the owner of this lovely site joining us for the fun.

Now:

NYC, you have a knack for writing very freely, yet at the same time very structured. It is a fine line that one can veer off easily and become imbalanced, but you know how to maintain it. As for the actual concept itself, while it had many hints of gems the overall theme was kind of overplayed. While, a card game with death is an interesting image to conjure, which you did well, the ending itself did not resonate. The whole everything that happened before it was merely a drug induced illusion is something that leaves a bad taste, even if it did impact the narrator so as to affect him in reality. I would of prefer him to go into psychosis, simply because it's more unpredictable. The writing itself was enjoyable. Also the juxtaposition sometimes between the lingo and the more grandiloquent language sometimes did not mesh well. I think the verse would have been much better, but it is hard for me to ignore an ending like that. It makes everything that was said before it feel inconsequential, even though it wasn't

Diode: First what I notice is your basic rhyming, and while not nursery rhyming it is still quite simplistic. That said I loved this verse. I too interpreted it as the expanding universe collapsing back into the primordial nothingness. I was pleasantly surprised at how well you encompassed the theme. You both wrote about death in a sense, NYC more figuratively and you more literally. He ultimately used death in a sense of rebirth for his character, while you used the end as a gateway to explore chaos, which is what ultimately fuels everything.

This one is difficult, in one sense NYC is the stronger writer, but in this case, I enjoyed Diode's premise more.

Vote: Diode

[e11even]

NYC- this piece could have been dope if you stayed with a consistent voice throughout, along with the better language choices you dropped here and there. I think the story was cool, but I felt like there were some wasted concepts that had promising dramatic character. For instance, the introduction of family on cards and the inclusion of negative reinforcement by family in his head. This could have had a backdrop drawn in throughout, or just abandoned altogether instead of causing random distraction. I also didn't like the on/off eloquent language you employed here. It kinda of confused me that you would go from slang to distinguished from one line to the next like you didn't know want lane to stay in. In character voice it's fine in order to add authenticity, but when the narrator is half urban, half upperclass, it gets confusing. IMO the rhyming was ornamental and average and the pacing was good, if it wasn't for the factors I mentioned. Overall, cool story and I hope you do more like it while applying yourself to the level people know of you. Good job.

Diode- interesting theory. I like this for the fact that it was consistent in language and fun to read. I'm not sure why reading words outside my vocabulary is fun, but it is. Your flow was confusing in the beginning because the pattern seemed to jump around at first, but then you got more comfy and focused on the content more I think. I enjoy science and readings about the universe so this had my attention. I was not blown away, but this drop was still pretty dope. Good job!

You guys didn't slack on delivering content, but there was a difference in the delivery. MVGT DIODE for the overall better written verse.

[Pent uP]

Nyc -- that metaphor had me on a roller coaster..it was flat, it was the best, it was ruined by a twist ending. When he quit playing against death and ran to another table i felt like it was the perfect metaphor set up for living to die. There was so much potential there and im really sad to see the ending you chose to go with. With that said it was a little grandoise at first and settled into itself like a good trip. Nice narration.

Diode -- individual lines and ideas stick out. My favorite was at the end (zero/relentless bend), but there are others. Its difficult to pack in so much information into a format like this at times, but you seemed to have little trouble doing so. Ive been reading about Jainism and this, in a way, mimicks their idea of the cycle of eras. This excludes the belief of what happens within those eras, but more of a 50000 ft overview. Likewise i understand this has nothing to do with religion and more to do with the universe and of itself. Interesting.

Vote -- nyc

Mostly due to preference of body material.

[Razah]

first battle I'm reading, very enjoyable.

It gets to a point where critiquing certain things are kind of pointless, because it's really me just nitpicking and "trying" to find something "wrong" about the piece.

NYC, really liked your verse. There were certain phrases / words that felt forced, but again, nitpicking. I thought 90% of the verse was really dope. The faces of the cards changing into the parents? Sickk. Very descriptive, I could see the whole thing playing out in my head. I didn't really like the ending though, felt like an easy way out (I don't blame you though, sometimes wrapping a verse up is difficult for me and I just find something to 'finish' the verse. Dope read though.

Diode, I think this is my first time reading a verse from you. Reminds me of Buddha, with what I call "Canibus rap". It was cool though. I really liked the beginning part, something as simple as using specific colors really paint a visual. Conceptually, this was pretty dope. Actually, really dope. That's the main reason I'm leaning towards voting for your verse.

I'm going to have to vote for Diode. I really liked how he went about with his concept. What stopped me giving NYC the vote was his ending. It was pretty thorough until that part. I felt iffy about Diode's rhyme schemes, and words he used to rhyme. Sometimes I expected a certain bar to end with a certain rhyme, and it didn't. But, yeah, although I enjoyed NYCs verse, Diode's was enjoyable and was more thought provoking for me.

vDiode

[Certain]

These verses are so dramatically different that I'm going to switch up my voting style. Rather than breaking them down individually, I'll compare them in the basic categories of topical battling.

Topical approach: I really enjoyed NYCSPITZ's use of "lull at the end" to describe coming down from a trip. My problem with Diode's approach was that I'm not sure "lull" really works when describing these things. Had he not been so open-ended on which direction we were headed and instead supported the theory that one day the universe will just end for no reason, I could buy into the concept of a lull better.

Diction: NYCSPITZ did what he always does, overwriting to a degree and using a lot of descriptor words to the point of redundancy. But he also, as always, brought a few memorable turns of phrase. Diode overused some poetic devices, as he is wont to do to make up for his lack of end rhyme complexity, and there were a small handful of awkward word choices build around sound. But Diode's diction was cleaner, even as both were a bit overdone.

Rhyme mechanics: NYCSPITZ overloaded a few lines with unnecessary words that cut into his cadence. But his rhymes were strong throughout, and I particularly liked the "waits to be dealt/table of felt" rhyme because the phrases worked so well with the theme. Diode used a ton of assonance and consonance to carry his flow, and it worked very well. The cadence was strong, and the end rhymes were stronger than they sometimes are for him. There was one point where nine consecutive words began with vowels, which was weird.

Content: Dreams and hallucinations are an easy copout in the middle of a strange story. So while I loved NYCSPITZ's conceptual approach to the topic, I wish he had delivered it with stronger content. It turns out that little to none of the verse was real at all, which feels like pulling the rug from under your reader. Diode, on the other hand, tried to be academic but failed to ground some of his concepts. His verse floated around the idea of what it was and never felt settled. And again, I think there's a cognitive issue with the word "lull" as it relates to this content.

Enjoyment factor: Both verses were good. I found myself enjoying the ride of NYCSPITZ's storytelling until it got to the lazy twist at the end. But I drew more from Diode's verse on a higher level, as the out with a whimper idea was very interesting even if it needed much more development.

Tipping factor: Upon reading these verses three times each, I found myself getting more from Diode's and less from NYCSPITZ's with each read. This was a fine battle.

Vote: Diode