Pinot Grij vs. Soulstice - OPEN FOR VOTES

[Adonis]

Winter Topical II: Round II


SUMMARY OF RULES:

Verses are due JAN. 19th
TUESDAY at 9 P.M. Pacific/West Coast or TUESDAY 11:59 PM Eastern / 6:00 AM WEDNESDAY JAN. 20th Central European/London
There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Thursday at 4:00 p.m. Western / or Thursday 7:00 PM Eastern / 1:00 AM Friday Central European/London Failure to vote will result in NEGATIVE VOTES if you advance to the next round.

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? You can technically start a match down three votes by failing to log a single vote the previous week.

so....

All competitors must vote on THREE battles

Read the full rules here! (http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=122320)

Topic: Finding Of Soul


G/Luck

Pinot Grij Soulstice

[Pinot Grij]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JMbdPMdmQ58

***pls view the video first***

Vincent Smith - A Fictional History

^ That's Vincent Smith, and that's Jadeveon Clowney laying him out
But what the replays don't show is Smith's soul escape through his mouth
It changed him, no doubt - before draft day, teams were staking him out
But Smith fumbled and stumbled each time he played for the scouts
Now Clowney, he's a Lone Star in Houston - 1st pick in the draft
While every team passed on Vincent, hardly a sniff from the pack
He returned to Michigan, to get his reputation on the mend
But he played shitty there too - and he was stapled to the bench
So he focused on academics - but he failed on every test
Tried to bag chicks, but his sad dick couldn’t even stay erect
Passing off as a laughingstock, he was the college’s joke
Got his athletic scholarship revoked and that was all that she wrote
Poor Vincent - he was dragged off campus punching and kicking
His life was shit. Ever since that hit, he just knew something was missing

5 YEARS LATER

Vincent is fat now. He looks like crap now.
He only wears sweats and lives on a campground.
Down at the trailer park, he’s always buggin’ people
Tellin’ stories from his glory years like Uncle Rico
He works at Wal Mart so he can never save a penny.
Spending days aplenty with his neighbor Cajun Remy.
Now, the pagan Cajun practiced voodoo still to this day.
And told Vincent his theory that had him filled with dismay
“Vince, your soul left when that man popped off your head
I’m no doctor, but to the spirits, child, you’re already dead.
But the soul never ceases and yours is left intact.
And if you trust Remy but any then I can get it back.”
See, down at the NFL Drug Center, Remy knows of a man
Who hooked Remy up with a phoney custodian’s badge
The Cajun was a thief and here’s a pure example
He walked in and stole Jadeveon’s urine sample
Back at the trailer, the Cajun insisted Vincent drink it
Smith was disgusted but this sure wasn't time for thinking
Vincent chugged the piss cup and his face fell flat
As he saw Remy hit him in the chest with a baseball bat
And Remy sang, “BANG BANG SHAROOK ALANG
THE MAN CLOWNEY HIT VINCENT LIKE A RUNAWAY TRAIN
BANG BANG SHAROOK AROLL
THE MAN CLOWNEY TOOK AWAY THE MAN VINCE’S SOUL
BANG BANG SHAROOK ARISK
VINCE RECLAIMED HIS SPIRIT AFTER DRINKIN’ MAN’S PISS
BANG BANG SHAROOK ARACK
ALL SPIRITS, ALL HEAR IT - GIVE VINCE HIS SOUL BACK!”

Meanwhile, at the stadium, Clowney’s vision went all blurry
His body seized up and he left the game twitchin’ on a gurney

5 YEARS LATER

Smith is a CEO, pockets flush, miles away from his poor conditions
Smokin’ stogies on a private yacht, surrounded by gorgeous women
Taut physique, built like a freak - lookin’ like a college day throwback
Plus his hair’s grown back - hell yeah, Vincent Smith has got his soul back

[Soulstice]

El fin. Silencio. Now the story's concluded
The characters are dormant and muted so we're courting allusions
In our fortress of musings - walled in by blankets and pillows
Thanking compatriots who went from strangers to kin folk
As it rains out the window - we sensed their adventurous past-times
Would carry on - as long as the centuries passed by.
A never-ending story book - that's not ungraspable thinking
but what about a tale that doesn't have a beginning?
- You're passive. Rescinding. A life that asked for permission
Friends with absentee brilliance that you basked in as children
Wings that were clipped. Gravity's winning. Figments exist
In your memory - wishing things were simply blissful
Like when you were living as kids. When did this existence begin?
You could've sworn you once remembered interesting things
You laughed, right? You drank and sang, as far as you could recall
You once ran and danced. But now you pace an arduous crawl
What started it all? You're startled. Appalled. At this nihilist emergence
Crying for resurgence of your childhood excursions.
Dying to subvert this - ennui drenching the night
But you can't rewrite the prologue of a tragedy with no ending in sight

[Frank]

Pinot Grij

Beginning Stanza remains true to your satirical knee slap comedy shtick style. You open up with an embedded video which I refused to click on. This is a topical battle with an assigned topic, any extra visual aid should be frowned upon at this stage of the game. You also applied this tactic in the first round, by including a completely separate visual, in addition to the image provided for you, which could've been seen as an disadvantage to your opponent, which could've warranted a disqualification. So, right off the bat I negated you and deducted points from you subconsciously from a strictly creative stand point. Upon reading the first passage, I notice the usage of "out" in the first 3 lines, twice. The word "out" was not flipped and didn't come across with any duality, simply a cop out, a rookie word placement, or lack of vocabulary, whatever the case may be, it set the tone early on as not being up to par with the more advanced writing around you this tournament has produced thus far. The safe, almost amateurish rhyming continues without any real technical support. This newbie like rhyme scheme actually made your Jock character more believable and authentic. Obviously you were writing from your meathead perspective. The next stanza unfolds, and your comedic timing picks up, putting your Micky Avalon demeanor on full display. However corny it may be, those first couple lines of your second stanza personify your light hearted, happy go lucky style. You are one of the funnest characters on Netcee, writing wise. Clown like in your presentation. Your verses streak across the lawn with a senior frat boys last day of school, Ferris Bueler type of writing. Again though, this second stanza is littered with mis calculations. "And if you trust remy but any then I can get it back" Not sure whether this is a typo or a brain fart. Another example of poor penmanship is" Vincent drink it/time for thinking" Lots of numbskull lines. "Face FELL flat, Base BALL bat" Now viewers may consider this as nitpicking, but I feel it is my obligation to point out these crucial blunders - out of respect for the craft. Your voodoo chant in capital letters was atrocious and almost down right racist. That little section just felt like malarkey to me. Finally, you bring it to a close with what I ultimately feel is a decent summary of your piece. In closing, this was a very scatter brained verse that suffered multiple concussions and head trauma from the opening quarter couplet. While the verse took a number of bone shattering hits, Your QB, which appeared to me as second string, or possibly third or fourth string even - finished the game in a triumphant like manner.

Soulstice

Compact in your poignancy. A dense yet brief verse that touched on strangers and your childhood and other remnants of soul searching. From a purely technical standpoint, the rhyming itself is leaps and bounds over Pinot Grijs. Your 3 bar, cross over rhyme scheme is a Soulstice trademark. I thought this verse was short lived, though - explosive, like the smoke trailing off fireworks. It lingers, but it is fading profoundly from my memory as I write this. I favored the content in this over your opponents. It was much more fantastic and whimsical. 8-14 more lines would've solidified this piece and taken it to another level.

People were anticipating this duel and it caught a few BOTW nods from a gang of prestigious writers. The contrast in styles is a thing of beauty. Pinot Grij is a prankster and Soulstice is a wizard.

After deliberating, I am unbiasedly giving the edge to Pinot Grij here.

Decent effort, Thanks for the read.

[Argh]

Pinot Grij
You're probably not familiar with the name, but your style is eerily similar to Cormier's (Project Rhyme veteran and topical mainstay). With both of you, the rhyming is straightforward, the narratives are linear and there's always an element of humor. Anyway, I didn't watch the video you included with the verse. In my mind, a verse should be able to stand on its own without any additional supporting context. The good news is, your piece certainly did. It was a breeze to read and the creativity was evident.

Soulstice
I've always enjoyed your work. The concept of your piece was interesting and the verse touched on origins and the power of memory. I liked the story/book analogy you used as a vehicle to construct your narrative. The content was a bit too esoteric for my personal taste, and I think the verse could have benefited from more grounding to knit the various elements together.

Vote
Both pieces took a completely different approach to the topic. Overall, I think Pinot had a stronger showing and the more complete verse.

VOTE=Pinot Grij

[Cimmerian]

I need to get some work done at the office so I'll be relatively brief here.

Pinot - The idea was fresh but I think you could have executed it better with more time. Some weird parts in it, including the voodoo chant.

Soulstice - The flow was great but I felt that to rhyme like that, you chose to take away from the content. Specifically, as a reader I had trouble understanding who the narrator was, why was she in the house? Sick, paralyzed, elderly? Without understanding that, how can one deeply appreciate the content in the verse? Without it, the character becomes muted, as your second line described. I did not understand how the verse related to the topic.

Vote - Pinot Grij.

[NYCSPITZ]

HAHAHA first verse is hilarious. I especially enjoyed the voodoo chant part and the naming of characters, this piece and your Robber piece from the Alias solidify you as eminent storyteller in the league imo. Your style reminds me sort of like a clash between Dickens with the character names and narrative and Fitzgerald's one short story about hillbillies where the tone was similarly humorous. Some areas could've transitioned better but all in all I think it's like 97% complete. Dope storyline, somewhat abrupt ending, nice fantasy ride.

Soulstice DEEP AS SHIT...flow and multies bonkers, liked the rhythm to it.

Thanking compatriots who went from strangers to kin folk
As it rains out the window - we sensed their adventurous past-times
Would carry on - as long as the centuries passed by.

^^^ Perfect wording and pithy quips like this are the reason I love topical writing. Dope execution here and way to add to the mythical atmosphere.

The lines afterword continue the atmosphere of profundity laced with the wisdom of Athena's arrows. I interpreted it as an evocative entry into the mind of a genius, passively recalling with a sort of submissive dread his unfulfilled potential and lack of execution in life. Nietzschean a little, staring into the void.

This was a stylistic and content clash of epic proportions and I would say it easily won BOTW this week. It's tough to call because I like both verses equally and for different reasons. Vincent Smith had to drink another man's piss and that was utterly suspect and completely homosexual beyond measure. The ending to Pinot's was rather abrupt, yet soulstice's verse felt like more of a coherent whole to me. 20 lines vs 48 though. I think I'm gonna have to give it to pinot based on his execution, although I would've probably voted for soulstice if he wrote 30 lines or more. 20's just too short and you could've added some great descriptors and set some sort of delving into the past/him continuing to dispassionately observe but delve into his current surroundings as opposed to his past. Would give a greater panorama of his psyche as a whole and add that oomph necessary for victory. Even if you didn't do that I might've voted for you had you gone a bit longer but it was pretty close despite soulstice's length (pause).

V/ pinot

[Mr. J]

Pinot, this was an impressive showing but I am not going to watch your video
if there is one thing I dont do its watching any extras added to fulfill the story's set up
I believe that as the writer you should be capable of adding it into the story or just leaving it out
other than that I feel like a majority of your verse is very well done, although you do have one set up I didnt quite enjoy which was the every test/stay erect section
maybe you did that on purpose and decided to showcase the idea in your rhymes orrr....
maybe you just wanted to keep the idea going. regardless that felt off to me...
I like how you continue on in a different style and bring in the flow more rapidly
that was a nice switch up right there. very impressive verse though nice way to build around a character.

Soul, Im saddened that you didnt take more opportunity to write a longer piece
I really enjoy the use of raw rhyme as well as the skillful use of your multis..quite dope
regardless I thought that your piece came together in a very finely written soiree of words
you use some interesting ideas and I really liked the way you chose to use the idea of kin folk
that was a nice touch, I kind of didn't want to stop reading but unfortunately you ended your piece
therefore my grudge is with your use of time, I hope to read more of your work in the future...

v/I was looking forward to this battle due to the names in it and the topic at hand
I felt like this would have been great if Soul had taken the time to write more in his piece
unfortunately Pinot had out-written his opponent and also came with an impressive story
although Soul did have some nice ideas shelled out it wasnt enough to outwit Pinot here
really impressive work from the both of you though.


v/Pinot

[PiE]

Pinot, so far, this is the best verse one read this week. It has all the elements of a great story with a nice character development to grow found of, other characters to help build the story and a great dramatic effect to pull the reader closer. Not to mention the flow was nice and made it go smoothly. The content of voodoo and you actually performing since kind of magic thing. I looked it from start to finish pretty much.

Soul, this verse was nice, but with the topic of finding of soul and your name being Solstice, I thought you would have a more direct approach to this topic. The flow was nice for most of it and it covered to the topic, but it was very broad and vague. I liked it, but this needed some details in the content or even some imagery for me as the reader to get more from the narration. This verse was nice nevertheless


Vote Pinot