VividlyVague vs. Mr. J - OPEN FOR VOTES

[Adonis]

Winter Topical II: Quarter Finals


SUMMARY OF RULES:

Verses are due FEB. 1st
MONDAY at 11:59 P.M. Pacific/West Coast or TUESDAY Jan. 2nd 3:00 AM Eastern / 6:00 AM TUESDAY JAN. 2nd Central European/London
There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Thursday at 4:00 p.m. Western / or Thursday 7:00 PM Eastern / 1:00 AM Friday Central European/London Failure to vote will result in NEGATIVE VOTES if you advance to the next round.

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? You can technically start a match down three votes by failing to log a single vote the previous week.

so....

All competitors must vote on THREE battles

Read the full rules here! (http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=122320)


Topic: "If a man has not discovered something he will die for, he isn't fit to live"



G/Luck

Vividlyvague Mr. J

[e11even]

The coarse threads in his hood bled light as he was led right into a shelter that shed night.
The hood was torn off, exposing the bright lamps to his red eyes and dead sight.
"Everyone say hi to Sergeant Patrick, the Army of one!" said the fat, slovenly one.
The robed and masked figures ***kled aloud, all carrying guns married with drums.
There were four other captives, all badly battered in slumps, their souls a massacred sum.
Blood spots littered about the trash with rats scattering. The claw clatter rattled the hut.
The six captors left, leaving the survivors to their devices, all but one nearly lifeless.
"Hang in there guys. Keep resisting... We might survive this!" but Patrick hadn't the slightest.
He was a sniper with academy nods and gun range badges much like them.
And though he was nice with his sights pitched, he didn't quite understand his plight. "Bitch!"
A captor entered, lifting a female, gripping her throat. He spat in her face, and as he listened, she choked.
The terror was palpable, and though the captor was laughing, this wasn't nearly a joke
"You're getting interrogated and poked!" Goaded the shrouded figure, as she dragged by a rope.
Minutes went by, the screaming intensified. He was slowly letting go of his hope
The pummeling sounds followed a muffled question in a revolving pattern.
"She won't answer!" his morale was lasting. But just how flattered would she be if he asked her?
"How was it? Nah, no. Shut up." even in peril he was attempting to bag her.
Just as he heard laughter, BANG. A sack fell. She never came back after.
Two days passed and all four captives got their brains blasted. It was insanely tragic.
He was the main attraction. They saved him for last to drain him of his information and passion.
"Well, look who it is! Damon Patrick to save the masses! You infidels are made to be trained as asses."
He played ball. He stared down the cloaked maniacs of the unknown faction. They just laughed at him.
"Your comrades are but souls floating in their ashes in this room. Why should you live?"
He froze. "Why should I live? I never helped anyone. Playing hero got me into this shit."
"Too late, Infidel! Now, it is talk or give your limbs for the cause you are in! What unit?!"
"What?!" The room spun and anxiety hit. Fight or flight, hero or wimp. "Suck my dick!"
The captors explode into uproarious laughter as they all pull out cigars and their clips.
"John Wayne has fortitude!" Four held him down face-first, ground under his chin.
With his arms bound behind him, "Here we go. Fingers, then his... TIP!"
The laughter suddenly stopped and the clip was around his thumb.
"No! Wait! Umm, ok, ok! My sergeant... these coordinates, these slums...
This address... these trucks, these snipers, these bunkers, these humps..."
The chatter began, but in a different accent. With different vocabulary from the inhabitants.
The hoods came off... it was all the captors and the captives! "That's it..."
"What do you mean? This was an exercise? A fucking pageant?!"
"No, trainee. This was an initiation into an alliance faction of the baddest.
This is NAVSEC. A secret firm of blackwater ops, and you were our last test.
Now we have to kill you. Treason's punishable by death in the field."
"But...?" He was so shocked and so thrilled. He wanted his whole life for this to be real.
"But what, Patrick?" Said the female, suddenly hotter than the first time she sat next to him...
"A wise man once said, 'If a man has not discovered something he will die for, he isn't fit to live."
She pulled out a magnum .44 and blew his brains out... at the last minute. The End.

[Mr. J]

Fear was a most common thing. The people of the world now were shadows of yesterday
Their bodies withered away from hunger & the skies were distant from their better days.
Many used to visit this ventured place, but now none would dare ask for an extended stay.
The water became polluted causing livestock to die out and the vegetation was never great
Many rejected fate, while some welcomed it as a long lost family member with open arms
A village built on broken hearts; Families torn apart by a nuclear holocaust.

His journey began on the outskirts where the villagers dare not venture to.
Elder’s spoke of the dangers that lurked, & how death was inevitable.
But he knew deep in his heart someone had to find a place where food was edible.
Life was manageable. He cursed the past for the world that it had left in ruin
It’s not acceptable! As his thoughts raced, he lost footing slipping down hillside
Shaking off the debris he was covered in. he took in his surroundings & realized…
That the debris was the remains of crushed human skeletal structures.
He gasped as his spirit was crushed by the horror of the spell that he was under.
With a swift crack he fell to the ground where he remained unconscious.

How heartless…how cruel… the sound of a crackling fire pulls him out of his dreams
His hands were bound behind his back & he knew things were worst than they seemed
The stench of death caused him to retch as he struggled to try & set himself free…
“Use all the strength you can…” a voice called from beyond the shadows. “Please…”
“Please…you have to let me go.” He replied in anguish as he fought the uneasiness he felt.
“I’m afraid I cannot allow that” retorted the shrouded figure “You brought this upon yourself”
The figure circled the fire and knelt to the ground and proceeded to examine its specimen.
“You see I’ve seen many a adventurer search this land for hope to return with no evidence…
Life beyond what it is now is a fantasy, a dream dreamt by dreamers drowning in hope.”
The figure approached & stretched out an arm to feel the skin of the one bounded by rope
Taking a step back to reveal the face that has kept him in captivity his world fell to shambles
“I am the mother of those who cannot protect themselves” she said stepping back into the shadows
“Years after the war ended humanity was bound to become as corrupt as those who destroyed it…
I found myself broken by the loss of family, friends… all for the sake of their own flamboyance”
“You can’t hold the fault of others actions against anyone all your life” exclaiming his annoyance.
“I hold nothing against the past, what’s done is done. I am merely helping those who can’t fight…fight
The worst thing a person can do in life is giving up & I can’t sit here and say that ‘I tried’”….
“Then let me help” he reasoned. “Oh…you are helping & I couldn’t be as grateful as I am now” she declared
“I have found what I am willing to die for…& the children would love that you weren’t ill prepared.”
She made her way behind her prisoner & with a swift thrust watched as the blood ran dry…
“You were unfit for the life ahead of you but think of the lives you saved…..that’s…….nice”

[Pinot Grij]

VV

"Shed night" - awkward wording
Good description in second line "dead sight" - I like.
"Married with drums" - I don't get this other than that it rhymes. Do people with guns often carry drums with them, too?
Good description in the next couplet with the rat, etc. - setting the tone.
The six captors left, leaving the survivors to their devices, all but one nearly lifeless.
"Hang in there guys. Keep resisting... We might survive this!" but Patrick hadn't the slightest.
He was a sniper with academy nods and gun range badges much like them.
And though he was nice with his sights pitched, he didn't quite understand his plight. "Bitch!"
This is a troublesome portion. "Sights pitched" - "plight bitch".. those are weird. If pitch is some sort of terminology for snipers, I don't know it. And the full stop after Plight and then just the exclamation "Bitch!" is rhyming in the laziest and cheapest fashion.

A captor entered, lifting a female, gripping her throat. He spat in her face, and as he listened, she choked.
The terror was palpable, and though the captor was laughing, this wasn't nearly a joke
^^^That section is well-worded. Juxtaposition with the laughter and lack of humor in the situation. Well done.

"You're getting interrogated and poked!"
This is very troublesome for me. My biggest pet peeve in topicals is people using dialogue with words that would never come out of an actual human's mouth. Who would ever say "You're getting interrogated and poked!"??? Nobody. I know it's not always easy to write dialogue, and we can all struggle to write words that realistic - I know I have a hard time with it as well - but it's an important storytelling device that needs to be treated as such.

The next section I like because you're showing the interiority of your character in a situation of duress. Trying to bad your last piece of tail when you think you're about to die is a realistic thought process, so it was a nice touch.

Two days passed and all four captives got their brains blasted. It was insanely tragic.
He was the main attraction. They saved him for last to drain him of his information and passion. ---> some awkward wording here.


"Well, look who it is! Damon Patrick to save the masses! You infidels are made to be trained as asses."
He played ball. He stared down the cloaked maniacs of the unknown faction. They just laughed at him.
"Your comrades are but souls floating in their ashes in this room. Why should you live?"
He froze. "Why should I live? I never helped anyone. Playing hero got me into this shit."
"Too late, Infidel! Now, it is talk or give your limbs for the cause you are in! What unit?!"
"What?!" The room spun and anxiety hit. Fight or flight, hero or wimp. "Suck my dick!"
The captors explode into uproarious laughter as they all pull out cigars and their clips.
"John Wayne has fortitude!" Four held him down face-first, ground under his chin.
With his arms bound behind him, "Here we go. Fingers, then his... TIP!"
The laughter suddenly stopped and the clip was around his thumb.
"No! Wait! Umm, ok, ok! My sergeant... these coordinates, these slums...
This address... these trucks, these snipers, these bunkers, these humps..."
The chatter began, but in a different accent. With different vocabulary from the inhabitants.

What I said about dialogue earlier - you actually pulled off nicely in this segment. The words fit into the mouths of real characters well. Nicely done.

Ok, pieces of this verse I liked and pieces I didn't. In its totality - the story is pretty humdrum. The idea of a person being falsely interrogated to test their mettle is a pretty well-known storyline at this point. I remember it from the movie "Hart's War" and at least one or two other films. The story itself is probably the biggest qualm. It's predictable. Your storytelling ability, as well, I think is much better than you demonstrated in this instance. There were sections of fluid storytelling, and sections of clunky narrative that needed polish.

Mr. J

I like the scene-setting but yesterday and better days is a lazy rhyme.
The rest of the opening stanza is quite strong. The last rhyme scheme is nice until "holocaust" - but it wasn't that far off.

"Venture" used very close together - not a bad thing, but something to watch for.
Inevitable / edible line - really good - you're continuing to paint a good picture of struggle, dystopia, survival.

The rest of the stanza - I like the storyline - there isn't much between your character setting off on his journey and falling victim to some sinister creature - but that's just a matter of space constraints. I'd like to see more there, but I know why you couldn't. Even without it, I have a good picture of the world you're painting.

How heartless…how cruel… the sound of a crackling fire pulls him out of his dreams
His hands were bound behind his back & he knew things were worst than they seemed
^^^tense issues are easily avoided. I also think that someone who was just beaten and kidnapped wouldn't refer to the situation as "heartless and cruel" - they would be far more distraught and/or pissed off.

I like your dialogue between the character and the disembodied voice. It sounds natural.


The figure circled the fire and knelt to the ground and proceeded to examine its specimen.
“You see I’ve seen many a adventurer search this land for hope to return with no evidence…
^^^lazy mistake

I like the introduction of the Mother character.

“Years after the war ended humanity was bound to become as corrupt as those who destroyed it…
^^^ this sentence reads weird - did you forget a word?

The worst thing a person can do in life is giving up
more stupid tense issues.

I like the ending - the Mother of those who can't defend themselves ends up murdering them - a sick, twisted murderer who uses some twisted philosophy to capture and kill her prey.

I think Mr. J had the more original story. It had a darker edge and was less predictable. I think both competitors had equal troubles with diction and word choice / tense errors. On a side note, I think VV's original offering was far more original than what he ended up with here. I read it in OM and not only was it a better story - but it easily could've been shortened and adapted to fit here. It's not like every line was imperative to your story - there was penty of filler. I guess you paid the price for your own artistic ethics - because your offering here was not enough to top your competitor.

Vote -- Mr. J

[Cimmerian]

I need to be rather brief because I've got quite a lot to do today. But please know that I've read the verses multiple times.

VV - You wrote a linear story regarding an interrogation with a twist ending that it was a training exercise. It reminded me of Evey Hammond's interrogation in Alan Moore's graphic novel "V for Vendetta." This is entirely a personal preference, because I know many people liberally use dialogue, but I'm not a huge fan of it in verses. I find it's much harder to propel a verse that way unless its done very well. See e.g., Slick Rick and Eminem. Overall the verse was good. There was some good imagery here. There was also some awkward phrasing.

Mr. J. - You wrote a linear story regarding a man's post-apocalyptic journey. I was reminded of Mad Max, because I watched Fury Road a few weeks ago. Like VV you employed heavy dialogue in the second half. So, you can take my comments there (and also take them with a grain of salt). Like VV you had some good imagery here, perhaps a little more so. Similarly, I think there was awkward phrasing in parts.

Overall: I felt the verses overall were pretty even. I wasn't head over heels with either ending. I think VV's verse probably struck the topic a little better with his literal interpretation of the quote. My vote goes to VV. My guess is that this battle will be the closest this week.

Cimm.

[Diode]

vv:

great scene-setting and pace to start with. indestructible killing machine captured by his victims - nothing too out of left field given the topic. interrogated and poked was a bizarre turn of phrase. the execution of the female prisoner was confusing. using clip is confusing in this context as it generally would be assumed it refers to a gun, rather than some kind of slicing device.

the turn was quick and brutal. i enjoyed it, though shock value is a bit cheap. the odd descriptions of the female and her sexuality were kind of distracting. good story, albeit brief - i'd like to read the long version someday. i loved the way you tied in the topic, though.

mrj:

ah, the wasteland. "welcomed it as a long lost family member with open arms" was oddly worded. the first two verses seem to be mimicing a fallout plot. i loved the "Life beyond what it is now is a fantasy, a dream dreamt by dreamers drowning in hope.” line, but as you know, i'm an alliteration nerd, even if you cheated a bit with the root word here. "flamboyance" was incogruous with the heavy subject being discussed and took a bit away from her despair. the conclusion was a bit stilted and telegraphed. not much of a turn, really, more of a means to an end.

--

this one is closer than the others. vv's story was superior, mrj's imagery and dialog was more captivating. they both leveraged the topic well. my preference errs on the side of the less obvious finish and that's really the only mitigating factor here.

v: vv

[Certain]

I will vote on this today, probably late morning.

[UnbornBuddha]

One commentator here shared almost the same sentiments as I did while reading these.

You both used a hostage and captivity theme.

Vividlyvague: I myself have not been in the topical world for very long so I don't know if this plot is played out or not. The story itself encompasses more than Mr. J's. Also I did not read your first entry, would be an interesting comparison for sure. In essence, I think there were quite a few wording issues in the narrative. Sometimes I found myself perplexed by who was speaking, and you alternated between a clear worded narrative and one that felt stagnant. I did find the ending satirical, in an ironic way.not a bad entry, but felt like it needed to be cleaned up.

Mr J: First, proof your writing, there was a lack of basic punctuation sometimes to separate clauses, for instance " “Years after the war ended humanity was bound to become as corrupt as those who destroyed it…" Should be>>> years after the war ended, etc. Anyhow, it affects the fluidity of the reading and perhaps it was a mishap, but a little mishap sometimes is no big deal, here it was because it affects the understanding of the line. Making it look sloppy. Besides this, I do feel the apocalyptic setting is a bit too obvious in its direction, however. this Mother character you created was interesting, quite philosophically disturbing. I do think the writing was solid and you had some really good lines, especially when creating the atmosphere. I also think overall your piece read cleaner than VV's. At one point you switched the main character into a secondary character it seems, and the Mother character was more important making the killing off the main character obvious.

Both ended their piece with the hostage dying. But, one was more enticing.

Vote: Mr. J

[Certain]

I'm running short on time here, so I'm just going to explain why I am voting the way I am. I didn't like either verse. Both of you stretched your lines, both in length and in content, to the point that this was kind of an exhausting read. Vividlyvague reverted to his more usual approach after last week's spectacular effort, which was disappointing. Mr. J appeared to be attempting to bring something extra but instead lost his naturally fluid lyricism. Both of you took very obvious hostage-based approaches to the topic. The differentiating factors were Mr. J's diction and Vividlyvague's ending. Mr. J, you always seem to blend really good phrasing with really sloppy and awkward rhyme-forcing. But here, Vividlyvague was doing the latter without the former. Vividlyvague, that ending is sure to be divisive, and I'm guessing it was the tipping point in the split voting above me. I didn't like it. It felt like it didn't justify the length of the verse because there wasn't enough foreshadowing of the right kind. This was close. You've both done much better.

Vote: Mr. J

[Adonis]

Longer version in mag. I think Mr. J had the more complete verse, and though this was a tough one to call, his actually was more captivating for me. Which is simply jaw dropping considering how much I enjoyed that aspect of vivid's upon reading, but i do feel like Jay was just more polished by the smallest of margins. Thank you gentlemen.


v/ J