Diode vs. Razah - OPEN FOR VOTES

[Adonis]

Winter Topical II: Quarter Finals


SUMMARY OF RULES:

Verses are due FEB. 1st
MONDAY at 11:59 P.M. Pacific/West Coast or TUESDAY Jan. 2nd 3:00 AM Eastern / 6:00 AM TUESDAY JAN. 2nd Central European/London
There are NO extensions.

Verses MUST be a minimum 10 lines or a maximum of 48 lines (or 650 words).

Votes are due Thursday at 4:00 p.m. Western / or Thursday 7:00 PM Eastern / 1:00 AM Friday Central European/London Failure to vote will result in NEGATIVE VOTES if you advance to the next round.

WHAT DOES THIS MEAN? You can technically start a match down three votes by failing to log a single vote the previous week.

so....

All competitors must vote on THREE battles

Read the full rules here! (http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=122320)

Topic: "Faith is taking the first step even when you don't see the whole staircase"



G/Luck

Diode Razah

[Diode]

hello.

[Razah]

word.

[Razah]

All the trials I've faced, figured the same was for you
Instead - You're a combination of all the greatness I knew
Having to endure all the pain must've tainted the truth
How could I be so imperfect & still be related to you
Disgusted by much but I've been amazed by your laughter
Used to question life on this Earth 'til I created the answer
I view life in a new light & it came from your purity
I was growing sick of the times, thank you for curing me
"A new life through your eyes", a quote I read from a book
But it hit home from the very first breath that you took
Before your warmth on my chest, this life would sicken me
I was so cold - Now your smile alone helps me define felicity
Never knew what hope was, I wish I've heard of it sooner
& I know now, the past that I had shouldn't determine your future
I wish I knew what I'm telling you, we were blessed w/ a blank script
& since I've seen your first steps - I finally realized what faith is

[Diode]

summer sun glints, glowing - sparks and embers
memory fading fast fiercly, yet i still remember
that carolina sky with its rich refractive blue
hues of my feelings play vividly whenever i think of you

strawberry scents waft, dance, delicate.. delightful

that perfume you once wore did a piroutte on my puberty
uselessly, i struggled to find the right words
incite verbs.. to flow eloquently from my tongue
i'd tell you tall tales of my traumatic search just to find the right one

we'd unite, love. forever heavenly held
you and i? splendid, endlessly melt
under covers or behind doors, the choice yours
sometimes maybe even a bit voyeur
it was a fatal attraction, a chemical bond
unaware with youthful naievete of the terror beyond
time would level, but not pause,
frivolous in its fateful nature to keep marching right on

i still weep at the thought
ignorant in our bliss, diligent when we kissed
aging rapidly and clinging haggardly but for naught
then we're in disarray and distraught
and they say nothing gold can stay, but if i had my way
i'd still have the old you by my side to hold today

we'd rebuild collapsing castles in the many facets of the world we claimed
unashamed, recapturing the moment with a melody that we'd mold unchained
withhold the blame or jealousy wrecking me at every turn
and so it goes we'd make it through the fire with the fibers of our tapestry without burns

but that's just a fantasy, see?
the real world remains undeterred
to remind me of the pain left behind in this verse
when i think i've climbed above it all now
could reach the summit and clouds
i realize there's still so far to go
..though i'd never look down

because while it's true the theft of our love left me feeling bereft
i never could have left if i hadn't taken the first step

[Pinot Grij]

Razah - this was a pretty, heartfelt piece. I have no shame in saying it gave me serious feels. Despite being a straightforward verse about a father's love for his child, you made it unique with strong rhyme choices.


Disgusted by much but I've been amazed by your laughter
Used to question life on this Earth 'til I created the answer
Truth. Amazing.


I view life in a new light & it came from your purity
I was growing sick of the times, thank you for curing me
Again. Hard hitting stuff.

That felicity line was pretty basic - anything that discusses the "definition" or the "meaning of" is pretty cliche at this point.

Could've ended much stronger - I don't feel like the finale really encapsulated the emotion of the whole piece. Overall though - very heartfelt, it gave great perspective and had some really emotionally hard-hitting lines.

Diode - opener is a bit rocky.. the alliteration is a nice touch, but not enough to overcome the simplistic rhyme and off-flow.

that carolina sky with its rich refractive blue
I love this line - I listen to a lot of country music and I love the attribution of something worldly to a specific place. Like, the sky is no different in Carolina than anywhere else... but it feels different if you only knew. Anyways, I liked that line, but I felt like the following line didn't give it its due. Once again, it's a pretty simplistic rhyme.

strawberry scents waft, dance, delicate.. delightful
did not like this.

Pirouette on puberty line is a nice touch!

Incite verbs - I don't know if a subject such as yours, which I am assuming is a young man reminiscing on lost love, would use such language.

I like the rapid fire element of the next stanza. It comes at you all at once, as young love tends to do.

The movement from youth to old age was a bit clunky. I just don't feel like this verse had the "it" factor. The storyline was basic, the rhyming was basic, the imagery and concepts used were pretty basic. It wasn't bad, just nothing really stands out for me that makes my jaw drop.

Vote -- Razah.. in a battle of two emotionally-charged verses, he ran away with better description and a more heartfelt tone.

[Mr. J]

Razah, I really enjoyed the progression you've showed your style compliments the smoothness of rhymes you incorporate
I really enjoyed this piece as a whole, it isn't often that you see people get deep in their written
& this had a very emotional vibe that I could relate to, it was short but sweet as well.
although you really capture a meaningful read I always feel let down by the shortness.
...thats what she said...regardless you had an impressive drop and I applaud you young padawan

Diode, Ive witnessed you put in some amazing work & I am quite impressed by you as well
I would not expect such an impressive run from an old work horse like you but you handled yourself quite well.
I enjoyed that first section but that little red section kind of threw me off and I had to go back again to get the full jist
either way you carry on with some impressive vocab choices and add some great visuals to your piece
ignorant in our bliss/diligent as we kiss, that was niiice, I really like how you linked everything together.
that tapestry line felt odd to me though. regardless this was a really nice piece.

v/I feel that this all comes down to preference, I enjoyed both pieces from beginning to end
although there were certain points I felt deprived of the ideas that were being portrayed but I caught on
taking another look back I feel that as flawless as Razahs verse was I feel Diode left me with more to stomach
I really enjoyed the descriptiveness of his verse & thought the read was more worthwhile not saying Razah did bad or anything...
I just felt Diode won me over upon another read both had flawed moments but due to razahs length of a verse it just did not fulfill what Diode has...


v/diode

[e11even]

Razah- This is a nice piece I believe the average parent can relate to. I've had similar epiphanies when it came to my kids and appreciating the new life we bring into this world. That said, your concept was simple yet heartfelt and relatable without being overly corny. The rhyming was end-rhyme focused, semi-consistent and nothing really interesting popped out to me. After reading, I felt like a read a longer verse than what you posted. That was an interesting tidbit that helped me realize than you did well in that small space you gave yourself- economy of words and your concept... something I have yet to master. Good Job.

Diode- damn. this was beautiful. You wrote a love story with no real personification, no actions, no dialog or parties. Yet, you still wrote pretty beautifully and, while the rhyming wasn't superb, the language and tone spoke in a way that touches the reader. This was probably the best "I'm moving on" letter I've ever read. Good Job.

For me, this was hard because both competitors wrote heartfelt and nicely colored pieces while making "taking the first step" a deep journey. MVGT Diode for the slightly more enjoyable read.

[Cimmerian]

Quick thoughts:

Razah:

You wrote a verse about a parent's love for their child. It was simple in a good way and perhaps evoked even a little more emotion than Diode's verse. It was a good verse.

Diode:

You wrote a verse about a lost love. It was a little flowery. Maybe a little reminiscent of Gustavo Adolfo Bécquer. You had some nice imagery. It was a good verse.

Overall: Razah's verse had more emotional impact. Diode's verse had better imagery. Different styles, but pretty even. Overall, I thought Diode's verse struck the topic better where I felt he was heading in the direction that although the relationship ended, he was happy he took that blind step in---better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all. I was not sure where faith fit into Razah's verse. Perhaps faith in humanity? My vote goes to Diode. Nice battle, both of you.

[Pharaohs Army]

Razah -
Thought the brevity was an asset here.. For the most part you conveyed your thoughts/feelings in a tightknit way.. Powerful&impactful enough without meandering too much or "fillering".

I will say that I've seen better from you; your past works had my expectations higher regarding the rhyme/structure. This isn't bad; in fact it's good.. just not great, as I have seen from you in the past.

Disgusted by much but I've been amazed by your laughter
Not a big fan of the "disgusted by much" phrase.. Nitpicking.. but I thought it was kind of a lazy&vague phrase.
Later on you say
I was growing sick of the times
and
...this life would sicken me
Repetitive.. perhaps intentional to hammer home the point/emphasize the theme. But those latter 2 are more palatable and further evidence that perhaps you could have rephrased (or nixed) the first one I mentioned.

But, after that "set-up" we have a gem here:
Used to question life on this Earth 'til I created the answer
Dope. Clever as hell in very few words, and also deep&personal.

Good strong ending. Won you my vote tbh.
Never knew what hope was, I wish I've heard of it sooner
& I know now, the past that I had shouldn't determine your future
I wish I knew what I'm telling you, we were blessed w/ a blank script
& since I've seen your first steps - I finally realized what faith is

On the whole, you touch on a major change in outlook after this gift of life.. your child has a clean slate of life, a pure start despite your past regrets and former negative outlook. Nice.
--

Diode -
This was a good read and kept my attention.. wanting to know what comes next/how it ends.
My knock would be some inconsistency in the level of writing&craftsmanship.
Seems to me like some stanzas were dope - carefully constructed with good phrasing, while other stanzas seemed a bit rushed or clunky or trite.

i still weep at the thought
ignorant in our bliss, diligent when we kissed
aging rapidly and clinging haggardly but for naught
then we're in disarray and distraught
and they say nothing gold can stay, but if i had my way
i'd still have the old you by my side to hold today

I'm not necessarily knocking this for content, but i.m.o. the phrasing is not great here..
In a weird way, if the whole piece was like this, it wouldn't be as "offputting" to me.. The last two lines of the excerpt above^ -- they convey what you're saying in the piece well.. but the way they're written is simple, and not multisyllabic like some other parts of the piece.
Donno..Perhaps you were intentionally looking for style/phraseology contrasts between stanzas.

we'd rebuild collapsing castles in the many facets of the world we claimed
unashamed, recapturing the moment with a melody that we'd mold unchained
withhold the blame or jealousy wrecking me at every turn
and so it goes we'd make it through the fire with the fibers of our tapestry without burns

^Awesome. Your own great stanza here thus hurts you when I judge other parts of tha verse.

Again, good piece, and I enjoyed the read, but the "fluctuation of quality" docked you on my judging, and the structure seemed a bit awkward on the closing two lines.

that perfume you once wore did a piroutte on my puberty
Lol ^, gr8 line.
--


both pretty good but mvgt Razah

[UnbornBuddha]

Good match, I enjoyed both.

Razah: Very emotionally driven piece, obvious in its conception, but still a good take. I didn't really see anything that stood out, in terms of mistakes so that's good. Diode had some places that were not smooth, in terms of wording. My main criticism is this: while I think you had less blunders than Diode, ultimately it might be because of the shorter length. I mean you usually go short, but this was even shorter than the usual 20 something bars. And while I will like to say that the 10 bars don't make a difference, whem facing an opponent who wrote on the same caliber it does.

Diode: The first stanza read awkward, especially with some of the bad alliteration. And bad because the rest of the proceeding and preceding sentences also felt just like lists of descriptive words, but incomplete thoughts. Which seems sometimes to be a tool you use, this incomplete fragments to induce this kind of hypnotic effect, and sometimes it reads quite all right, other times you lose your footing. That said about the bad red highlighted strawberry line you began to hit your stride. It read very beautifully and I thoroughly enjoyed some of the descriptions, i.g. the collapsing castle stanza was the most memorable.

Like I said I enjoyed both, but Razah did not perform his best here. And though write a heartfelt piece, I think Diode wrote the more impactful verse, even if his lyrical game was not as at par with Razah's.

Vote:Diode