Week 1: Jesodist vs. Razah (RAZAH WINS SHUTOUT 7-0)

[asylum]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png

Season 6

Verses are due SATURDAY 3/5 at 12:59 PST. THERE ARE NO EXTENSIONS.

Voting ends MONDAY 3/7 at 12:59 PST.

Verses may not exceed 16 lines

Voting on four battles is required. If you win and don't vote the requirement you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote the requirement, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your four votes in the voting thread.

Topic: I'm Gonna Crawl

Good luck to both participants. JESODIST Razah

[JESODIST]

I am Gonna Crawl

Walk Out of the paranormal abyss and Enter the Heaven,
Which is a portal of bliss without sins that are Never Forgiven,
Through the helish visions then Listen to the Next Proposition,
Tenderly living in better conditions with time to Inspect Mysticism,
serving right on an endless flight of scrolls to Condense Spiritism,
Numbness of soul caused by the Intense Aneurisms,
awaiting for God to Instruct Us through the Wrath and the Ruckus,
Truly Displaced In a Path without Purpose moving at the pace of a Sloth or Tortoise,
From the Depths of Isolation, from the Wrecks and Damnation,
From Intent Infestation and hunting animals to the Brink OF Extinction,
Formula Depicted in Diction to Stop them from expanding the Wicked Dominion,
Where we Living like simians With chains bound to the Sickest Oblivion,
Bars of truth delivered with stealth crawing through a River of Wealth,
From the shiver and fret cause by pain only the worse of Sinners has Felt,
crawl out of the bottomless pit where brothers only Live to Regret,
Unto eternal life no longer Believing in Death...

[Razah]

I wonder why they keep me gasping
The fire in my eyes only makes me breathe in ashes
They see my passion or the dreams I bask in
Yet I keep falling, I think I'm about to reach my rabbit
They knew I'm timid, but I knew my limit
Held hope in my hands, then I blew life in it
The blue sky lifted, used to view life twisted
Still do- & I realized it was you I mimic
Irony, neither will form what is pure
All tears that you shed were a rainstorm I endured
Life as we know it, needs to be nourished
That same rainstorm allows the seeds to be flourished
Until I saw worse, I wasn't happy with life
I wondered, does a cloud feel trapped in the sky
My reflection on perception, stuck in the back of my mind
Learned some of us walk, some of us crawl, some even happen to fly

[Mr. J]

JESODIST, nice to see you make an attempt at having a more focused piece.
at first glance I thought you were just writing a random piece circulating around your lyrical prowess
but reading it again I see a glimpse of reward, you come off more of an oddball to me, but not as odd as idk...2tripple0
regardless I find that your description of pain to be really worthwhile it doesnt rhyme as much as I hoped for but thats ok.
I mean if this were the poetry league I would have gave you 3.3/5...this is rough on me though.
What really troubled me was the redundancy of the sloth or tortoise reference, that threw me off.
I had to look up spiritism as well cause at first glance I was like wtf...but you snuck that by me
you came to the table ready to eat but forgot to bring the utensils you needed...nice work regardless

Razah, nice to see you round these parts again buddy hopefully you can stick around a little longer instead of signing out & easing your way into the playoffs....still got love for you though
your verse was on point, it had its moments where the flow felt like the foundation of your piece
and it really made the read feel quicker than the past few pieces that I have read...
your interpretation of the topic was really nice as well, not as flashy as your opponents but still great. nice work

v/Razah, I really enjoyed both pieces but I feel razah had a more cohesive verse.
although JESODIST had a more impact with his verse he didnt meet my standard of topicals
Razah shined with a more simple approach with a flow that came off natural as well as smooth.
I would have leaned towards JESODIST but a few points felt like it could have been touched up.
nice battle fellas. look forward to seeing more from you two

[Pinot Grij]

JESODIST

Your style is like a bull in a china shop. I felt like your rhymes were just crushed in there and the story would've been told exactly the same if the lines were in a different order. Overall, it was cool but a little unfocused for me. Double negative in line 2 was quite frustrating as well.

Razah


I wondered, does a cloud feel trapped in the sky
oh my god. amazing.

Razah, I loved the short bar style. Your style is so lucid and readable. I was impressed by how much you fit into so little. This was something I could read again and again. Nice work, man. If I were to offer a criticism it would be that "to be flourished" doesn't really make grammatical sense. You could've reworded that line.

Vote -- Razah

[Just Write]

JESODIST,
i feel like you were writing with a dictionary beside you, and honestly that makes a piece seem to be just mushed together, the whole "ism's" rhyming was just super lazy and about the only part of those words that really rhymed... go figure. to be honest the onpart i really liked was the last 4 bars, they were great.


Razah,

another person who i've never read from before, i really enjoyed this piece. mayve my votw favorite. i envy your ability to write in a shortbar style and still put out so much emotion within them

They see my passion or the dreams I bask in
Yet I keep falling, I think I'm about to reach my rabbit
They knew I'm timid, but I knew my limit
Held hope in my hands, then I blew life in it
The blue sky lifted, used to view life twisted
Still do- & I realized it was you I mimic


i could have gone and quoted the whole piece but these were the standouts in my eye. very well executed


mvgt=Razah, just a more enjoyable read imo

[Alice White]

JESODIST -

I actually liked the core concept of this. But your execution of the topic and the rather random set of lines slightly threw me off while reading, especially towards your middle section, such as the Dominion line. The narrative was also rather vague. Flow was more or less smooth, though! And some of your multis were nice, such as the river of wealth one. Decent read here. It would've been great to see a concise story though, with a thorough beginning and closure, as this felt rather unbalanced.


Razah -

I thoroughly loved the emotional layers in this. This was an amazingly smooth read with very good imagery and lots of quotables. There's actually nothing really to negatively criticise here. I particularly enjoyed the closing lines the most.

Mvgt - Razah

[Adonis]

Jes - in the beginning you went with the simple "ism" rhyme scheme, though you executed it nicely, comes off as a tad remedial is all. I'm also not a fan of God or sinner and heaven pieces, so the overall message was a miss for me. Thought it was decent writing all in all,you got your intended message across clear with little by way of error or misstep. Solid read considering it is not my cup of tea per say

Razah - enjoyable flow. While I enjoyed the recurring theme of clouds and rain and atmosphere, I thought adding and beginning with fire though, was out of place. I feel like you didn't have a clear grasp on your concept and you stort of let it come out as it pleases instead of giving it direction. Good read though, I think you just came up short conceptually. For me anyways.



Vote. I enjoyed Razahs topical style over the content behind the story of Jesodist, admittedly started off in bad position considering I'm not a fan of that story line. Two decent reads though. Elevate


V / Razah

[timeless]

Jesus, might sound like a dick but this was such an annoying read. You must have one hell of an accent to make every single one of these lines actually rhyme in your head. Slant rhyming at its lowest point and I'm not a fan. After 3 reads I still can't grasp what exactly you're context is about.

Razah, slowly becoming one of my favorite writers around here. Just seems like you write with such ease. The only thing I didn't enjoy was the ending, other than this battle was pretty lopsided IMO.

V. RaZah

[MMLP]

This was an odd battle, In all honestly, I didn’t feel any of the concepts and was hard to grasp exactly what is going on in each. Raz kept it short and sweet n I preferred his style, Jes went all out on the rhyming I feel. I tend to stay away from using too many ‘TION’ rhymes tbh. Rhymes were off at times and lines were too long n it felt like an awkward read. Raz wins on execution here!