Week 1: Timeless vs. Maximus (TIMELESS WINS 6-2)

[asylum]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png

Season 6

Verses are due SATURDAY 3/5 at 12:59 PST. THERE ARE NO EXTENSIONS.

Voting ends MONDAY 3/7 at 12:59 PST.

Verses may not exceed 16 lines

Voting on four battles is required. If you win and don't vote the requirement you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote the requirement, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your four votes in the voting thread.

Topic: For Your Life

Good luck to both participants. timeless Maximus

[timeless]

Business as unusual, proven. Consuming every bit of life's tools.
Movement unheard of. Stirred up the nest of distrust. Flight mood.
Abilities to gain capital sight, too. It happens only to the best of us.
Strapped in, rolling down the hills of life hoping for an exodus.

Translucent, mirrored images have stopped you from seeing that your actions,
Have too many consequences when you're reeling in the masses.
Start believing in tragic reasons and start feeling out your traction.
If you're spinning tires in life, you'll be less admired, breathing in fractions.

Profit for knowledge, education system's been flawed from the beginning.
A mind distraught is not winning, only finishing lost and feeling timid.
If the earth drained you'd be bleeding with it, hoping for a better tomorrow.
Teaching the physics of how our success is usually measured in sorrow.

A rare occurrence of thought, connected through two pairs of eyes locked.
My plot was hardened, with soil strong enough to fair a dry crop.
Fingers spared the time clock, he wrote the days end crying with his pen.
King of the jungle, yet his people are trying to send that lion to his den.

[Maximus]

You vicariously feel my pain as I pour my soul into yours
I hope you learn from your mistakes as you go through this course
What the wispy eyes of a vet can visualise from the depths
A kid with the finest specs can't see on the highest crest
They say the best legacy a dad can leave for his seed
Is a solid education, so grab my thesis and read
Enthrone knowledge and get acquainted with the scriptures
Stand out for what's right or get faded in the mixture
Listen with empathy, don't be the first to cast a rock
You still get accurate time twice daily from damaged rocks
Situations aint always as bad as they seem to be
There are blessings in disguise in states of extremities
There will be strong winds of doctrine so be firm in your conviction
And when it gets gory never squirm like horny vixens
Carry on tradition my son and keep the torch aglow
These principles I preach is for your life so do exploits and grow..

[Mr. J]

Timeless, I felt that your verse was on point for your topic.
it had its shining moments but that intro just felt forced to me.
I dont know if its the idea of lifes tools or what, but it just threw me off
I did enjoy bits & pieces of your verse though, the exodus line brought it back
which is good because it followed that first portion
beginning/timid felt like a stretch for me & tomorrow/sorrow felt easy to use
but you still kept me glued to the topic. nice work here...

Maximus, I feel like this may be the first time I read any of your work.
after looking through your credentials I am more than sure this is true
I was enjoying it up until I reached (vet) I am unsure if you meant veterinarian or what..
after continuing on it starts to make sense a bit more but then you use rock/rocks...
that made me feel like taking a minute to understand why you would take an easy route on that line
after that we reach seems to be/extremities (ex trem eh tees) you see what Im getting at here
I enjoy your take on the topic but it seems quite ambiguous as well....nice work though

v/Timeless, I feel as though timeless may have edged this one out with a more concise piece
he lacked in some areas but the topic was on point for the most part, I did enjoy Maximus verse though
although after reading his verse again I feel like he may have shot himself in the foot halfway through the verse
regardless this is a good warm up session for the whole league, fitting a story into 16 lines is difficult for almost anyone but you 2 seemed to handle yourselves well....nice work fellas

[Pinot Grij]

Timeless

If the earth drained you'd be bleeding with it, hoping for a better tomorrow.
Teaching the physics of how our success is usually measured in sorrow.

Fingers spared the time clock, he wrote the days end crying with his pen.
King of the jungle, yet his people are trying to send that lion to his den.

Theses were great couplets and I enjoyed them thoroughly. I quote them because they were the only real lucid thoughts in this verse. I really like your style, but as one line would start building an idea, the next line would deconstruct it or at least muddle it. It felt like you were scared to write lucid thought and instead backed away to present something abstracted that can be construed as "deep". I like your diction, I think your rhyme style can be a great vehicle for some compelling stories, but this one wasn't it. If your narratives become more lucid, I can see you being really great.


Maximus

Your opening was silky smooth, I liked the narrative build. My criticism is that it lasted too long - you took about 6 lines to get to the "lesson" - in a 16 line max verse, this feels like it took too long. "horny vixens" - that's a terrible phrase. Overall, I thought you could've done so much more with the idea of a dad passing on advice to his son. This was too straightforward. Your writing style is cool though, I look forward to reading something a little more adventurous from you.

Overall impressions - I really do like Timeless's style, I'm just very frustrated by its deliberate opacity. I wanted him to be more direct, and I wanted Maximus to be more risky.

Vote -- Timeless

[UnbornBuddha]

Timeless: there were glimpses here and there of a trajectory, but for the most part, there was a round about discussion of several themes, some of them dealing with the uncertainty of life's systematic processes. The writing itself was done well, its just the content itself lost itself trying to discuss the vicissitudes of life.

Maximus: This is my first encounter with your writing, quaint yet also quirky due to the manner of its presentation. I feel some form of punctuation will help set the rhythm to your piece better, even if done sporadically, so the pauses and breaks don't disrupt the natural spontaneity that I assume you are striving for by omitting the inclusion of commas and periods. More straightforward in its approach, but I enjoyed that aspect of it.

Vote: Maximus

[Just Write]

Translucent, mirrored images have stopped you from seeing that your actions,
Have too many consequences when you're reeling in the masses.
Start believing in tragic reasons and start feeling out your traction.
If you're spinning tires in life, you'll be less admired, breathing in fractions.

timeless, i really likes this piece and felt you hit the topic perfectly (although i also felt the first few lines seemed like you were doing too much) the above, along with the lines pinot quoted were my favorite from you. i also digged the Daniel and the lions den reference. clever


Maximus,
i think this is the first thing ive read from you (i havent been around for awhile) but i actually enjoyed this piece for the most part, i mean rhyming rock with rocks was just lazy and the following 2 lines were no better. also i feel as if you dragged on a bit before letting on that it was lessons being passed onto a son, by the time that was revealed the piece was over


mvgt = timeless, i feel his piece was a bit more polished and complete. enjoyed both the reads nonetheless

[Alice White]

Timeless -

Quite unconventional scheme you employed here, which is a very nice addition to the overall enhancement of the narrative, imo. However, the first stanza followed a slightly different pattern, which required a rereading, but I thought you did just fine there. I really liked your usage of specific vocabulary, especially in the second stanza, it contributed to a vivid description of your perception of a (cyclic) "life". I really enjoyed this. Multis were simple at a few spots, but you had nice rhyming patterns which made for an overall smooth read.


Maximus -

I also liked the scheme in this. You had some very vividly depicted lines, such as the scriptures one. I like how you tried to maintain the motif of "knowledge" and the exchange of such. However, I thought some of your word choices and comparisons didn't quite fit into what you tried to portray, in comparison with your opening bars, such as the horny vixens one. But I like the core concept of this, it would have been great to see a climactic change or some more details to the "knowledge transformation" from the father to the son, though. But I understand the approach you took here fully. Due to the line length it might've been too vague to implement such a detailed description, I thought your execution was fairly interesting.

Mvgt - Timeless

[Razah]

Timeless, intriguing rhyme scheme. These 2 lines really stood out to me, I thought they were pretty slick. Really solid work, enjoyed the whole piece

Teaching the physics of how our success is usually measured in sorrow.

King of the jungle, yet his people are trying to send that lion to his den.
--------

Maximus, I really liked the direction you went in. The whole "rock" couplet was kinda wack, felt like you could've done something, anything, different there, & it would've been okay. This is the first time I read something from you, and it's been enjoyable. The flow was on point for me, not as complex as timeless, if anything, very simple, but I really liked the verse anyways. If anything, I think the simplicity might have worked in your favor, because you're getting my vote based on me enjoying it more.

vMaximus

[Frank]

MVGT Timeless

Stronger conviction conveyed, although Maximus's stance was noble as well: Timeless just came off more like Bernie Sanders to me from a political standpoint, while Maximus delivered a valiant verse, Timeless was more Patriotic, Maximus was as well; just to a lesser degree. Timeless's sentence structure was also more interesting and abstract. Timeless was more creative with his choice of words as well, where Maximus rehashed words.

On and all around positive note: Great message from both writers, collectively you have inspired me as I reflected on these final thoughts.

MVGT Timeless

Excuse my brevity

[asylum]

Timeless - favorite lines..

If the earth drained you'd be bleeding with it, hoping for a better tomorrow.
Teaching the physics of how our success is usually measured in sorrow.

That was dope! I really enjoyed your last stanza as well. I’m pretty sure you decided to take a straight topical approach with the phrase and go with it’s feeling, and you did a great job. If this was an actual story it went over my head. Your scheme was drawn out but I liked how it flowed. Nice piece, fun read. You’re starting strong this season and that makes me happy. Keep it up!

Maximus – first time reading anything by you, definitely impressed. Favorite lines..

Situations aint always as bad as they seem to be
There are blessings in disguise in states of extremities

Very nice lines. I think you could have reworded that , are disguised by states of extremities and it would have flowed better but to each his own. Also, the E sound in extremities is not like the E sound in seem. So that was technically off. Moving forward.. I laughed a little bit here..

and when it gets gory never squirm like horny vixens,

I’m not sure anybody has every rhymed conviction with horny vixens. I liked it, just for that reason. That finishing line, “do exploits and grow..” that needed rewording man. Very careful with your finishing lines. I think you have a lot of potential but you probably need to revise your work a little before dropping. Looking forward to your continued participation!

MVGT timeless for the more polished, enjoyable piece. Nice show!