Week 2: Godcomplex vs. Razah (RAZAH WINS 7-3)

[asylum]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png

Season 6

Verses are due SATURDAY 3/12
Midnight Western / 3 AM Eastern / 8 AM UK.

Voting ends MONDAY 3/14
Midnight Western / 3 AM Eastern / 8 AM UK.

32 LINE MINIMUM

Verses may not exceed 48 lines

Voting on four battles is required. If you win and don't vote the requirement you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote the requirement, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your four votes in the voting thread.

Topic: Sweet Potato Pie

Good luck to both participants. Godcomplex (0-0) Razah (1-0)

[UnbornBuddha]

Every time Eleanor came to visit this grave of mine
She’ll place beside my tombstone a sweet potato pie.
Its heavenly aroma penetrated the soul, to animate the form
Of this worm laden corpse. As she and my baby mourned
I’ll awake and turn to face creation’s source. The matrix’s core.
Trying to pry free from this nameless place
That took away all the basic traits of my character: face and age
And most of the impulses from my innervated brain.
I became one with this stateless state. Fading away.
Forgetting the sound of my name. Debris like, the way I oscillated in space.
Yet, a fragment of the mundane remained. Somehow memories stayed;
The interface of all the sensory places mentally saved. Forever engraved.
Eleanor’s visits consisted of tears she hoped would remedy the pain
By washing away the sorrow that makes existence so deprave.
It's funny how she believed eternity awaits, yet was resistant to her own faith.
Instead of letting me transcend the transient measures of pain — pleasure inflamed;
The baby wept and it beckoned to stay, to endlessly play like the Nephilim race.
But, I’ve seen the angelic parade go awry, making the Nebula gray;
Countless winged messengers defaced. Birds set free from their celestial cage.
These existential chains of events make it hard to remain centered and sane.
Just for these two, I opened up a dimension and had destiny exchanged.
My flesh became whole, as life again flowed through my desiccated veins.
Resurrected, yet only I remembered my death…All their memories erased.

Everything was back to normal in our sun filled galactic world
Though, I often thought of the other side of the magic portal.
Eleanor smiled every day like she had a psychosomatic disorder.
I should be thankful I’m alive to be part of my child’s upbringing
And I love my spouse, but I grow tired of thinking.
My body always feels like it's plagued by some viral sickness
And I just want to lie down, and close my eyes for a long time
Letting darkness engulf the sunshine of those who love light.
I’ve somatized my demise because I unconsciously hate this life.
I don’t crave divine bliss; I just want to fade inside. Survival isn’t my basic drive.
All this is made clear when I taste a bite of her famous sweet potato pie
You see, I used to take delight in its exquisite taste profile.
Now, it tastes plain and vile! As if it was baked in bile.
Perhaps, the conditions of my return meant a sacrifice;
Life bestowed, but consequentially all my senses agonized
I can't bear it… Wife and child, I meant to say goodnight.
But, I’ll see your quintessence once you enter my side. Goodbye.
And so, every time Eleanor came to visit this grave of mine
She’ll place beside my tombstone a sweet potato pie;
Only this time, their cries from their voracious eyes didn’t scathe my mind
Nor did I crave to escape outside the walls of my shapeless shrine. Imagine the vaguest sine.
After all his searching the vagrant finds home has a vacant sign. Not a single echo remained inside.
Denouncing his bloodline, he grasps at his soul from the cave it hides
Pulling it out from his being, so he can finally ride the waves and tide.
The archetype of nothing and everything bears the same design.

[Razah]

The first thought before I wipe the crust from my eye
But I close them right up as I lust for that sight
So my heart rumbles, it'll shake the thunderous skies
The most beautiful words couldn't explain this hunger of mine
Grew up wanting a slice of the pie, just a sliver of life
'Til we finally met & I was satisfied with a nibble or bite
Nothing but thoughts of joy from the scent that you bring
I can only imagine that's exactly what heaven would be
If there's a metaphor for love I couldn't find a comparison
I was sick of being alone & now I dive in your medicine
It's like I found life, a reason to reach my dreams
Those who don't love remain in death, that was John 3:14
How to explain the passion that's scorching through steel
Just reading those words doesn't explain the warmth that I feel
You've made me feel like a King who was lacking a throne
I could walk in, & the aroma alone would make me happy I'm home
The bond that we have is something I wouldn't divide
It's unexplainable, you have a taste I couldn't describe
I admire your presence, due to you, I desire the freshest
There isn't a day when you aren't enticing my senses
You always run through my mind, a feeling so powerful
Every minute is time that I haven't devoured you
This is all that I asked for & you heard that I needed it
Every bit of you combined makes for the perfect ingredients
It's heaven whenever I have you, it's like I seen a few stars
Can't call you my sugar since sugar isn't as sweet as you are
You're my only temptation, you're what I know as nutritious
I always come home since I'll find what I know is delicious
When my hunger is fed, it's the quickest to vanish
But every moment you're gone is like I'm instantly famished
I'm always ready for seconds, never seen me being shy
Forever I'm hungry, for her- She's my sweet potato pie

[Mr. J]

Buddha, from the start of your piece I feel your depressing tone
but as I continued on I will say that you had an impressive flow...
I was saddened about half way through the piece due to a forced concept
what I am speaking of is your winged messengers/bird. an odd process.
Perhaps you did it to enhance the use of your use of the celestial cage
I can tell you now that I understood the idea & your tempos pace...
the second portion it felt like you sacrificed rhymes to progress the piece
your use of world/portal was odd & it didnt really make sense to me...
either way I felt that you got back on track with this tale of yours
& by the end I couldn't hate it even if you trailed off into another world to explore..
nice work...


Razah, if I didnt read the topic I would feel different about your piece
with that being said I enjoy the pacing you used, it sounds at ease...
I feel like you may be pudgy but that fact is beside the point.
there were a lot of one liners in your piece that I enjoyed...
I even saw you toss a curve ball in Buddhas direction which made me lol
for some reason your use of *freshest* had me saying (nah)
this is all preference though & some people may enjoy your scheme though
your piece was easier on the eyes & it was a really easy read yo...
nice work...

v/Razah, I enjoyed both pieces & this was a tough battle from 2 different styles
I thought Buddha brought that style hes used to but for real....Razah made me smile
this is all preference I enjoyed both pieces but I felt Razah had more fun here
some of Buddhas piece had me scratching my head because some of the plot was unclear
Razah had a smooth flow while Buddha tried making the topic deeper than need be
but both brought an enjoyable read so this vote wasnt really....easy....
nice work fellas

[MMLP]

GC- One thing that stood out on first read was how well you rhymed and it read smoothly (I usually struggle to get yours at first tbh). Took a second read to absorb and its quite an intriguing tale. seeing it from a ghosts (seemingly humanised) point of view was a cool conceptual twist on ‘sweet potato pie’.

Raz – quite a simple take on the topic in my eyes. It read smoothly (apart from nutritious/ delicious), not much wrong with it. Stuck to topic well throughout. Loved the ‘I’m always ready for seconds’ line.
Whatever happened to you name dropping your opponents in verses?! Good job!

I give GC the edge here, storytelling over a longer period was the main factor here!

[2tripple0]

Aye I'm going for razah as well much more emphatic and just not boring throughout a fluid piece written by both of u and I think godcomplex was too mundane good battle from both u utilized the thirty two line min. both of you but razah was more useful with his time



Vote......razah

[Just Write]

Lol at Mr j's vote being better than his actual piece haha jk


Any ways GC, I enjoyed your piece but besides you mentioning sweet potatoes pie I didn't see much of a connection between your piece and the topic (although I thought it was VERY well written ) I feel like you went overboard and made me have to re-read a couple times to make that connection. I rather enjoyed your piece though, you have a modern day Shakespearian flow if that makes sense.


Razah, second read from you and I must admit you are becoming one of my favorites in this league, you write to the audience and not to yourself, meaning most writers write with such abstract qualities that it finds it very hard for the reader to get the message/relation to the topic. With yours it's pretty straight forward (which is something I tend to do as well) I would rather end reading a piece that is bland and understandable than a piece that is glorified with vocabulary that I have to read a couple times
To understand its meaning (not that yours was bland at all)


Mvgt= razah, I feel I connected with his piece a little more and I also feel he was spot on with the topic
... great battle guys

[Echo]

it's tough

on one hand GodComplex dropped a very good verse. it was poetic in nature, at least as far as the rhyming went. a lot of slant rhymes and internals. the story and creativity were the high points of the verse, i wanted to know what would happen next. i liked the pacing of the story. i didn't like some of the awkward phrasing throughout which was jarring at times. overall it was a well written piece. your style is your own.

razah on the other hand took a more obvious take on the topic. using that spin on the topic could also be seen as an advantage though. you know already that it will pretty much resonate with everyone. nothing beats a love story. we're all soppy idiots. they rhyming was fluid and you used some really nice phrases

the difficulty is that both of your styles really clash. GC used more advanced vocab and sacrificed some rhymes for progression whereas Razah possibly sacrificed creativity to resonate with the reader. as far as writing on the topic goes, that's not a voting point for me. the topic is for you to interpret, not for others to judge you based on your perceived ability to ''stay on it''.

i could go either way but i think that i need to vote for GC. i maybe didn't enjoy his verse as much as Razah's but it is the more creative and had more advanced mechanics. i was a fan of the story he attempted to tell

vote GC

[sral]

Godcomplex - Solid writing here. No question. The trouble with using the same multi-chain for an entire verse, while impressive, is that the rhyming can become very mechanical sounding and robotic. It's very hard to utilise well, and keep it natural sounding, which it didn't in spots. Other times like "celestial cage" it worked extremely well and was very enjoyable for me to read. I noticed a few occasions where the rhyme was a syllable off (angelic parade/messengers defaced) and that may only be a small thing but when the rest is so on point it stands out like a sore thumb to me because I'm a perfectionist and it's such a glaring oversight that is so easily rectified! Feel me? It's mostly butter to read even though it has a more spoken word vibe to it than "rap" where some of the lines seem too many syllables long to have a natural cadence to them. I liked the re-call of the opening lines nearer the end, I too have used that to good effect previously, and you did it justice here. The storytelling was on point. Great line to finish on also, so poignant. This reminded me a lot of my verse about The Elephant Man because I use the same multi-string right the way through the verse like you have here haha!

Razah - I felt like this verse could be used in a compliments battle for long parts haha! It was obvious where you were going (to me, at least) and I wish you had developed it a little more to make it an extended metaphor. Maybe on you warming her/it up or slowly undressing her (unwrapping it) before heating up the oven or some shit, maybe that's just me? It wasn't bad just not as creative as Godcomplex here. I much prefer your shorter lined punchy style and flow, but the technical merit and skill behind GC's piece is hard to overlook when he also had the better take on the topic and flipped it like he did with him being a ghost.

This is another style clash of a battle, I can def see why some would prefer Raz over GC this week but for my money, Godcomplex takes it for being that little bit more creative with his flip on the topic and his execution.

[Alice White]

Godcomplex -

I thought this was very well written. You had some great imagery, and I was quite fond of the strikingly poetic narrative of this. I like how you, rather subtle at certain spots, incorporated the "sweet potato pie" as a reoccurring element. It would've been great to see some enhancement of the narrative or a more detailed development of the character, since I'd have liked to see a more thorough connection to the "topic" on hand. Your approach is rather original and abstract, though. This very abstractness required some rereading, though, but I thought you did quite well overall. Scheme-wise, I found your approach with a singular rhyming pattern quite interesting, and for the most part it worked nicely. A smooth read overall.


Razah -

You obviously had a more straightforward approach on this, but I thought this was quite entertaining. Although the imagery and certain lit. elements weren't the focal point of your verse, I appreciate the authenticity of it. It would've been great if you added some details to the narrative, though. This was also very well written scheme-wise. The switch ups of the rhyming patterns had a nice balance to it, which made for a smooth read.

This is a close one, but I thought that Godcomplex did more in terms of originality here.

Mvgt - Godcomplex

[The Law]

GC - I've read several of your verses last season on the later end that I enjoyed. However, I can't say the same about your verse in this particular battle this time around. The flow and readability was up and down for me. Sometimes your bars were rolling of the tongue and were very smooth and others bars did not keep up with the same rhythm. I don't know if others noticed as they were reading it, but I definitely could feel the change in the rhythm of your rhymes mess with the flow a bit. There may have been some off-syllable multi's but I wasn't going back to check if they were or not. The vocab and complexity is used to a point. I remember from your others verses that it tends to be your style but I thought it was a little over complex for the topic and story that you presented at hand. You started it off well, and closed it off well. The problem for me lied in the bulk of the progression. I thought you spent too much time described what it was like for the character and not enough time revolving around the topic or in your storys case the symbolic 'sweet potato pie'

Razah - I thought you stuck to the topic well and kept it simple. Although, you could have injected a bit of a twist or other literature techniques revolving around the simple take you had to spice it up some more. The rhyming and readability was outstanding. Every line transitioned perfect into the next and you ended it off well closing up the verse lining everything to the topic. There were plenty of nice lines related to the topic as well. (nibble or bit, medicine, ingrediants, famished). Plenty of plays that worked well with the concept and made your verse complete.

MVGT: Razah - I feel he had the best written verse overall. Sometimes it's better to perfect simplicity & the basics, rather than try to go so complex to the point it takes away from both the story and writing itself. Look forward to seeing more out of both of you in the weeks to come.

[symetrik]

GODCOMPLEX'S PIECE
Trying to pry free from this nameless place
That took away all the basic traits of my character: face and age

awesome multis and well worded imagery.

These existential chains of events make it hard to remain centered and sane.
could have flipped around a word or two and made the flow on point.
all in all, a good piece imagery wise. went a little too deep for my tastes, but nice nonetheless.

RAZAH'S PIECE
The first thought before I wipe the crust from my eye
But I close them right up as I lust for that sight
So my heart rumbles, it'll shake the thunderous skies
The most beautiful words couldn't explain this hunger of mine
Grew up wanting a slice of the pie, just a sliver of life
'Til we finally met & I was satisfied with a nibble or bite
flow like water. - bruce lee

You've made me feel like a King who was lacking a throne
I could walk in, & the aroma alone would make me happy I'm home
this piece held a pretty consistent rhythm to it that kept me involved. never strayed from topic and just drove the point home. verged a little into "maybe he's talking about a woman", but didn't go too far down that path which is nice.




MVGT Razah

[Frank]

MVGT Razah

Soulful fucking topic. God Complexes interpretation of the topic just didn't quite click for me like The Razah's did. Godcomplex started his verse off alluding to the topic with smells and such, then disregarded the starting premise, the entirety of the verse, before shoe horning the sweet potato topic into an irrelevant line, then he would repeat the line once more,again for good measure, to cover up the fact, the piece had absolutely nothing to do with sweet potatoe pie.. The Razah simply sugar coated his piece effectively enough that the approach could pay off. God Complex loosely based interpretation did not touch on the topic the way The Razah embodied it.

Interpretation was the lone factor in my decision.

Pardon the brevity, fellahs, voted from a phone

[asylum]

Godcomplex – to be simple and honest with you, I’m not really feeling your approach. I mean I guess you did the best you could with what you had but you started very strong and ended.. well, not so well. I enjoyed your first stanza much more than the first. Well you ended pretty dope actually. I do not feel you got too into it, in the end. No offense.
Razah – dude you’re a beast . I can feel the emotion in each line as I read it. Favorite lines..
I admire your presence, due to you, I desire the freshest
There isn't a day when you aren't enticing my senses
But these took a close runner up because the feels..
When my hunger is fed, it's the quickest to vanish
But every moment you're gone is like I'm instantly famished

MVGT - razah because he didn’t take a topic and work from it. He took an emotion and incorporated his topic into it. It’s not what you can do for your topic, but what your topic can do for you.. feel me GC?