Week 2: Frank vs. Mr. J (FRANK WINS SHUTOUT 8-0)

[asylum]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png

Season 6

Verses are due SATURDAY 3/12
Midnight Western / 3 AM Eastern / 8 AM UK.

Voting ends MONDAY 3/14
Midnight Western / 3 AM Eastern / 8 AM UK.

32 LINE MINIMUM

Verses may not exceed 48 lines

Voting on four battles is required. If you win and don't vote the requirement you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote the requirement, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your four votes in the voting thread.

Topic: Blues Before Sunrise

Good luck to both participants. Mr. J (1-0) Frank (1-0)

[Mr. J]

He added his signature to the last paper he needed to sign
Smiling, he shut off the light to his office that leads to the sky.
A night on the town the statement rang true in his mind
His heart weighed heavy but he remained faithful to the grind.
Too tired to walk. he waved down a taxi, told the driver which block
with his head resting on the window he could only admire the flock.
And yet...with each year that passed he despised the simplistic nature
Now he only mingled with government officials & linguistic majors
At every turn he questioned whether he had truly found success
Anyone else would have already crumbled under this amount of stress
As a child his parents struggled to live with insurmountable debt.
His future was their happiness & they were proud nonetheless.
In his youth he never understood why his parents had suffered
His father worked at the local factory that eventually went under
His mother served at a restaurant that only hired during the summer
the city was cruel to the immigrants whose eyes were full of wonder...
Even today that cycle continues as he reflects on his environment.
But he can rest easy knowing both of them had earned their retirement
He visits every other month & when he leaves they wish him the best
They thank him for his drive & tell him they have a lot of living ahead...
Seeing them happy is what made him question modern relationships
How easy it is to fall in love then fall out, it bothered him & he hated it
In the end the more he thought of it, the longer he evaded it...
As the taxi pulled up to his apartment he thanked the driver for his trouble, paid his respects
Tipping the driver more than the trips worth, he stumbled up the steps
He took a deep breath & took in the moment.. humbled again...
When you are all alone reflection is what calms the struggle within
He poured himself a glass of bourbon & sat down with a sigh of relief
He reached for his remote as he began to recline in his seat...
Loosening his tie he focused on the ceiling...too tired to sleep...
Sinking deeper into his chair he kicked off his shoes that weren't untied
He had achieved his goal as he closed his eyes...he listened to the blues...before sunrise

[Frank]

The Yellow School Bus drives through South Central, Los Angeles California through rough times
Boarded up windows with shut blinds
Hung up to obstruct dying from stray bullets from colorblind gun fights
Subsidized
Police helicopter floodlights
Propeller blades severing the shade echoing waves, cutting and slicing through the young night
This is South Central L.A
This is Thug Lyfe
Group of gangbangers. Cruising. Cuffing the blunt like' take a puff, Tye
Waiting around patiently, circling the neighborhood dangerously, searching for some Punk guy talking much jive
"Aiyo Yo Cuz Hol' Up Ight...'
Steering their stolen car silently into a shadow with a cracked lamp posts shining above bright
One time: Police scanners scanning the radius: that radiates, rage, angst, and wafts into the Hollywood Hills muggy sky
"Crime And Pollution are on the Uprise:"
The Yellow School Bus Drives into Gang Land with its muffler clunking, crunked up with grime, backfiring like a shotgun sigh
Tye cocks back the double barrel 12 gauged pump twice-
"AIYO CUZ AIYO YO JUST DRIVE"
Low rider sitting on dubs jumps up dumb high - customized, running over crushing spikes
"Look who's coming up the block - up the side, the little homies brother who punched Tye in the lunch line, straight up duffed Tye
"You ain't no sucka, Tye!"
"You just going to let that shit fucking slide like it was justified?!"
- Bandana in the back pocket - hung off to his right side - navy colored dye
His chuck taylor converse double tied
Boarding the bus in the hush twilight, to a couple "sup's" and "hi's" as he walked by kids his class sitting upright, or slumped tired
He walked to the back seat window, never sitting down in the first front 5
A+ grind. Catching up on his H.W; forgotten the other night
Because he was out with his older brother, whos in a gang, getting drunk and high
His teacher asks him to summarize what he learned in school, but he shut his eyes on the yellow buses bumpy ride
His classmates roll a bunch of die
"Yo Cuz' lets bet money for fun, aight, my funds are tight"
The Bus abruptly drives - sending them flying: Seatbelts never buckled right
The gang banger gets to within bucking sight, trailing the yellow school bus from behind,
Grudge-like
Tye sees the homies little brother in the window and begins throwing up the signs
3 fingers out, forefinger and thumb combined
The Yellow School Bus is suddenly swiped, cut off from the turnpike with a snub instructing him like-
Tye orders the driver over, breaks pumping like -
Frantic panicking ensues from within the bus like some bees in a dumped hive
Firing shots flurry stunning the mind nullified
Bullets stutter into the buses side
do, do, do, do, do
Run and dive. Young kid duck and hide
Blunted eyes
Smoke settling like summin fried
"AIYO CMON. CUZ' JUMP INSIDE"
Homicide sirens corruptly cry
Serenading South Central L.A awake, with a lullaby
Crip Killing Blood murdering blues before sunrise

[e11even]

Mr.J- your verse came off as accomplished and complete, but bland. I think it's cool to see a verse without a twist every now and again, but more could have been done to make your story more interesting. I think what hurt this verse the most was the fact that the rhyming was bare minimum and very simplistic. Not your usual. Ok verse for what it was.

Frank- I didn't like this verse. I liked how descriptive it was, but the details were all messed up. The language was buzz word, buzz word... no actual conversation that would occur. I get that this was just a verse, but I think everytime you attempt to do urban or minority pieces you do this type of thing. I.e. the flag was on the wrong side. Multiple die is dice... shit like that. You had me pissed off for the whole first half of that damn verse. The end was a little better. This verse had flaws, but was entertaining.
On the technical side, your rhyming and vocabulary was rushed and not your usual. That kendrick reference was a nice touch though lmao. I was like wow, really?


I think both you guys shitted on this week. I think you both could have maximized those verses, but instead you just put something up. MVGT Frank for the more entertaining read. Both you guys played the topic similarly, but didn't do too much imo. Thanks for showing.

[Just Write]

So I'm gunna be honest... seen better from you both


Mr. J I feel like you only wrote this to meet the deadline, not much effort was put into this, and really the only connection I see to the topic was the last line. This was written well though, I enjoyed it for what it was


Franklin,
This was lazy on your part compared to your usual writing but I will say I was entertained, more so at your attempts to speak (hood talk) than the actual writing itself. The descriptivness and your ability to tell a story out of anything is what ultimately won this out for you imo...

Mvgt=frank

[Alice White]

Mr. J -

I thought the beginning was quite good, but your "plot" took a rather random course towards the middle part. The ending seemed to be Technical-wise, this was very well done, you incorporated variating schemes and a thoroughly fitting and nice cadence, which made for a smooth read. I also liked the tone you set in your opening bars, slightly poetic, but with a rather direct narrative to it, which made for a great balance! Content-wise, I couldn't see a real connection to the given topic, except of your ending line. I did like the "office/family" depiction until the middle part, and thought you'd elaborate on the character more or have a more thorough linkage to the topic. All in all, it was a nice read, though.


Frank -

The rather unconventional schemes you employed here were quite interesting, and I really like your usage of multis, a thoroughly smooth read here. Now content-wise, I thought this was the more entertaining one of both verses. I really liked the directness of this work, although this very "talk" like approach seemed to be off at times, I appreciate the good incorporation of direct speeches here. I found the content in general to be decent, but I really liked your rather original take on it. This was the more "complete" story of both.

Mvgt - Frank

[Echo]

Mr J, the problem i had with the verse was that i felt you were bored writing it. it doesn't seem like you had any fun with it. the mechanics and rhyming were fine, everything was technically sound, and there were some nice phrases used. i think that your take on the the topic was cool. it just didn't seem like you were interested in what you were writing about. when it started i expected the story to be fleshed out a lot more than just at the end of the day he listens to blues. the correlation with the tone of the verse wasn't strong enough in my opinion. still, a good piece of writing nonetheless

Frank, the language you used was original which helped bring the piece to life. very imagery driven which is what i look for in a story. to be transported to another time/place. the actual story you told is one we've heard a million times but it was how you told it that kept me interested. the dialogue was perhaps the weakest part to it. it felt off. other than that, i liked the rhyming and fluidity. the story was more fleshed out and whole in contrast with Mr J's.

i think that i have to vote for Frank for telling the more complete story

[symetrik]

MR. J's PIECE
Too tired to walk. he waved down a taxi, told the driver which block
the flow of this line in particular hooked me to read the rest, hands down.

Tipping the driver more than the trips worth, he stumbled up the steps
He took a deep breath & took in the moment.. humbled again...
this piece came across as just straight forward and simply real. nothing too tricky with imagery (and thankfully unhurt by that).

FRANK'S PIECE
… searching for some Punk guy talking much jive
multis like this really keep the energy of the piece. by now I'm kinda bouncing.

… muggy sky
"Crime And Pollution are on the Uprise:"
"muggy". LEL

Boarding the bus in the hush twilight, to a couple "sup's" and "hi's" as he walked by kids his class sitting upright, or slumped tired
again man, multis are nailing it. they keep the energy just pulsing through.

Smoke settling like summin fried
"AIYO CMON. CUZ' JUMP INSIDE"
Homicide sirens corruptly cry
Serenading South Central L.A awake, with a lullaby
definitely could have flowed a tad more easily, but still has the energy all the way through. good read overall.

MVGT Frank

[timeless]

V. Frank

J had a complete feel just could've done more with the direction he took, let alone cut out so many of the filler. Hard to find a mistake in franks verse, a misstep gone unnoticed I'm sure but either way I dug the fuck out of it, ender seemed a tad forced but not bad. Favorite verse of the week.

[UnbornBuddha]

Mr J: First I'll start by quoting my favorite couplet
"with each year that passed he despised the simplistic nature
Now he only mingled with government officials & linguistic majors"

Next, I will say that everything flowed well and to me connected. However, nothing ever really happened, which was the point. The man was tired and reflecting, and at the end was happy he could rest and so on. The depiction was good, but the action portrait was kind of dull. Now, it's not because of what you actually depicted, mostly because there was a sense of spirit missing in the piece. You commented on another thread that you hated your topic, well it shows. You seemed tired while writing it, and the outcome and choice of words reflect it. Now, conveying your state of mind to the reader is quite good, but when opposing Frank, someone who writes very colorful, the contrast is apparent.


Frank: Very well done Frank. Now there were some tad blunders I found in the wording, also the actual dialogue while it captured the essence, it seems dialogue is your weakness. But, perhaps I'm wrong. Imagery and depicting a scene is where your strong foot lies. The reason I say this is because some other pieces I've read of yours display some questionable dialogue. You are good at capturing the voice, but the actual stream of words have a clunkiness and unnaturalness to them. Anyhow, I grew up in Chicago, so scenarios like these are quite ordinary. Yet, even though their common, they are tragic nonetheless.

Vote: Frank

[The Law]

Mr. J - To be blunt, you just didn't make it interesting. Aside from a line or too that was wordy and put a hiccup in the flow, the writing was there. It was smooth and progressed through the story. But that's just it, it just started, progressed, and ended with no excitement or real climax and resolution. It was there, but it was so light that the aspects that make a great story seemed transparent in your verse. Making your verses interesting are vital to winning. You need us to like it, to hate it, or make us relate to it some form of emotion or experience.

Frank - Storyline was cool and I liked how you turned it into theme with the topic you were presented. Flow was good for the most part but there were some areas that were just off completely. For me the best part was the story itself. I thought the writing techniques used could have been a bit better. The dialogue was lacking. I was hating the fact you kept scheming with Tye. It's okay sometimes when using it in a way that benefits the verse. But majority of the time as with any type of writing even outside of the lyrical side, you want to stray from using repetitiveness.

MVGT: Frank - Both had there ups and down for me in this battle. It comes down to the bulk of the storylines and the way they were used and I thought Frank's was just more interesting.