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View Full Version : Week 2: Symetrik vs. Echo (ECHO WINS 6-3)


asylum
03-08-2016, 01:47 AM
http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png

Season 6

Verses are due SATURDAY 3/12
Midnight Western / 3 AM Eastern / 8 AM UK.

Voting ends MONDAY 3/14
Midnight Western / 3 AM Eastern / 8 AM UK.

32 LINE MINIMUM

Verses may not exceed 48 lines

Voting on four battles is required. If you win and don't vote the requirement you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote the requirement, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your four votes in the voting thread.

Topic: Busted

Good luck to both participants. Echo (0-0) symetrik (0-0)

symetrik
03-11-2016, 07:41 PM
Certain you motivated me a lot even though I dropped out for a long ass time. dunno if you're still around but if you're still interested in my writing here you go.

Her Last Name Was Light

in day jobs, she changed the code for no reason
even though the software worked and project's TOTALLY completed.
green tea, forgotten. Kit Kat, in pieces.
lovers leaving donuts at the door but I'm the only one who eats 'em. Jesus.
reaching for perfection was her mother fucking weakness
troublemaker brewing 'til the bath is getting heated,
bubbles cover anger as she sank into the deepness,
but I knew that when she kissed me she was calm enough to sleep in.

frequent.

we crushed a little too hard… she rolled a double line twice,
brat's a fucking problem… I ain't old enough to handle MINE.
hipster kinda criminals, ironic when we vandalize.
but all the things considered then, we realize we had the life.

I was under the impression that her laugh spread like buck shot,
we never made a home brew buzz, even though she loved hops.
simple kinda lady with one rule. "no new stuff"
adrenaline kicks in, like "warned you… run!" then it's "FUCK COPS"
cuz truck stops were playgrounds, or cover from the 5-0
face to face hidden… "babe... you got a nice nose".
quick peck lip to a moan and I'm watching where the lights go...
so you better bet CASH when the red blue fade, I'll be taking her right home...

she might know,

that when her 'rents called, she'd always let it ring once.
that way... they know she had the choice, and she decided not to pick up.
but this time, they left a frantic message acting pissed off
each palm fit, softly to her ears... deleted and "it's gone".

so "what's wrong" with drug binge,
"WHAT'S WRONG? I never even noticed that you WANTED kids."
I'm the dumbest. She lost them, then lost it.
her face bespoke rage, I hate that she knew my fucked wish.
I guess my brain believed that she could never bust it...
"I love(d) you... dearly" used to be enough. SHIT.

Echo
03-13-2016, 04:10 PM
Busted by The Sheriff





i feel the Sun passing judgement; eyes glued to my back
its harsh orange hue lights tracks on this beautified path,
the stupid guy's trapped. finally. cornered and hurt,
that last shot tore through his shirt, i watched him fall to the dirt
and try crawling in bursts.
i walk with a smirk and keep my hood held up
the desert is angry; my face drowns in blood-red dust
last of the Lawmen, someone good men trust

..

the bastard is down
an orange fire flickers in the cavern, casting shadows around
i move purposefully towards the man on the ground
the wind screams. savage and loud
it covers the Nobleman's pleas as i shoot holes through his knees
''No! Don't do it. Please!''
i hold him with ease, there's no mistaking this lesson
the Baron shakes every second he's faced with the wesson

''Where's the girl, fella? Decide your fate with this question.''

''Next town over, Sheriff. Please! I've made the confession...''

*BANG*

a bullet stuck in his throat,
pa always said it's good manners to kill a cunt with a choke
fuck. blood splattered on my rust colored cloak
she's near. hope raises it's head, replacing the dread
.. i holster my weapon and leave the cave to the dead
i whistle for Jessie and she strides into vision, my ride into Prism
where my baby lies in a Prison, tied up and hidden

the Moon rises like an old lover; languid and sleek
as i approach the building where all my answers will meet

i tell Jessie to wait. can't sneak around with a horse
two guards lounge on the porch, waiting to die
there's a haze in the sky,
fog clings to me like a newborn as i make my way in the night
heart pumping & arms thumping. i whip out Death and take aim from up high
*BANG*
straight in the eye, one down. now Lightning is coming
the remaining guard's voice pitch is muddled
''You'll die for this woman''
''Always''
i put my knife in his stomach, slice it and pull it

i walk the hallways gunning at red cloaks
a macabre musician, guns humming with death notes
bullets loosing at heads bringing ruin and dread
one rule only: if it moves then it's dead ...
a guard clips my shoulder and i put two in his face
another reaches for his gun as i shoot with distaste
moving with haste to find Edel
the night is hell, i reach the final cell and see that beautiful face
now all we need to do is escape

symetrik
03-13-2016, 09:23 PM
http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=123113
http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=123111
http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=123114
http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=123109

sidenote
i feel the Sun passing judgement; eyes glued to my back
its harsh orange hue lights tracks on this beautified path,
love this shit holy tits.

UnbornBuddha
03-14-2016, 12:32 AM
To be honest, the formatting looks like it was written by the same writer. Not accusing, but the writing looks very similar. But, I've never read any of you two, so let's see.

Symetrik: For some reason at first glance it appears more chaotic than it actually is. It also seemed as you tried to hard to be melodramatic and while not badly done, there was still a sense of forcefulness that lingered. Also some of the material within the stanzas felt somewhat disconnected, particularly the cop one. That said, there was an interesting rhythm, and you have very bold kind of rhyming, ones that elicit a lot of strong sounds. You write with emphasis and though it sometimes seems like its being forced on the reader to digest and to assimilate, it nevertheless is planned.

Echo: I cannot say I am a fan of this kind of gunslinger tales, they are kind of like army war sages, overdone. But, that Wild West kind of approach is more palatable and entertaining I find. The actual writing also seemed explosive, and though its obviously meant to be so due to the content, there was something off about it. That said, I think your writing was cleaner and albeit less stylistically intriguing than your opponent, it caught my attention more.

Vote: Echo

breathless
03-14-2016, 06:01 AM
Vote - Symetrik

Symetrik - really liked this, first and last half of the line multi changes made for an easy smooth read. The cyber Bonnie and Clyde vibe was pretty cool, but you totally lost me with the last stanza, what's gone? The message, the parents, her kids (did she have kids), did she miscarry? I dunno, maybe I'm just missing something, but yea, solid piece up until the ending confusion

Echo - straight from the start I imagined a Liam Neeson playing Roland from The Gunslinger Stephen king books, but told from a grimey hood style with oddly folksy splashes of vocabulary. I think it would have came off better to me if you had stuck more with one side, I would have preferred the raw hip hop telling of this, lose the specific names and bits of fancy wording and this coulda killed.

sral
03-14-2016, 06:23 AM
THIS SHIT WAS UNEXPECTED FIRE FROM BOTH, I FUCK WITH YOU GUYS HEAVY YO!

sym - Dope ass verse, loved the flow to it more than most I have to say, you've a real organic feel to it in that it comes off so naturally and that's a really strong asset of your storytelling style. You had some humour in there with the donuts line that I liked, I kinda felt the opening was stronger than the finish in truth and maybe wished you had made it longer and fleshed it out to develop the characters background more but all in all, good job.

Echo - You're obviously an alias, I'm tempted to even say Ath tbh haha! I could be wide of the markbut you def have that RSTL imagery to your verse right from the off with the sun, I generally try not to start verses off with how the weather is these days just because I did it sooooooooooo often in my younger years but that's just personal preference. What I loved about this shit is you just went on a crazy fun-filled Western vibe and your verse actually transcended the topic. You didn't just write to it, you immersed yourself in this entire world you created and came up with something original (at least as far as text verses go) that's commendable as fuck. I rate both you guys, this is a close battle and a perfect style match-up even though its coincidental. I'm gonna give it Echo just because for entertainment value he had the verse more appealing for me in terms of creativity/originality/imagery where a lot of the other mechanics and flow to the verses were pretty much a tie. There isn't a lot to separate you. Echo's "take" on the topic if you will, and him owning that, became the deciding factor for me.

Just Write
03-14-2016, 12:15 PM
Lol I enjoyed both pieces,

Symetrik,
A tale of drug binges, loss of a baby, deception and anger.. took me a couple of reads to catch onto what we ALL so delicately express as "flow", but once I did this was nice, the middle threw me a bit right around the truck stop line. I didn't understand that section very well which kind of left me underwhelmed, first verse was fire though and the twist ending was nicely done.


Echo,
Yeehaa cowboy... a country-eske bonnie and Clydes tale
I really enjoyed this piece, you did a very good job of getting into character and you definitely put me in a western feel, so much so I want to go out and buy a ten gallon hat, some chewing tobacco and a piece of straw to chew on while kicking up my feet on my balcony while shooting beer bottles off a log in my backyard with a six shooter... nah but for serious this was a nice piece. I very much enjoyed it, the pa always told me it was good manners to choke bit did it for me...

Mvgt=echo.... while these were both great reads by unexpected candidates (haven't read from either) probably botw here I found echo's slightly more enjoyable although it was very close.. great fucking match

Razah
03-14-2016, 03:13 PM
Sym, verse flowed really well. It was very smooth & wasn't necessarily a short bar style. So, I appreciate having a natural, or not so natural, way of being able to put enough syllables in each bar & still have it come off smooth. Also, I liked how "real" the wording was. What I mean by that is, it doesn't sound like you had a thesaurus next to you, trying to sound more sophisticated than a topical should be. Some of these guys over do that for the "vocabulary" aspect and I find it annoying. PS: I don't think you went the 32 bars.

echo, that first bar was dope. The story was cool, so was the flow/rhyming. It feels very similar to sym's, just.. broken up more. Hmm. Anyways, don't really have anything bad to say about this piece.

I enjoyed both verses, and they both seem like they have very, very similar styles, but I liked Echo's story more. Both were enjoyable, I just preferred one over the other.

vecho

timeless
03-14-2016, 05:15 PM
Sym, your style reminds me of zenland with a hint of copycat. Your natural writing abilities are dope and have a very high ceiling that you will hopefully reach by seasons end. Everything about this was so dope until the sudden, forced ending. You should've fleshed that out more, because it probably cost you my vote.

Echo, such a weird read. That's not to say I didn't enjoy it. I just feel that there were too many lines deliberately placed that fucked up the flow and delivery of it all. Trust me I write like this often, but it's hard to keep it going if u have the reader on edge just to get pushed off, ya dig? I appreciate your ambition here.

V. Symetrik

Really hard to choose a winner, I usually take ambition over all in close/loose battles like this but I got sym just because of how naturally it read. Look forward to more work from both of you.

Alice White
03-14-2016, 08:31 PM
Symetrik -

I thought that the scheme and switch ups you employed were the highlights of this verse. A very smooth read throughout, the multis seemed really natural as well. I also appreciate the direct tone of this and the certain humorous elements you had in the beginning. Content-wise, I thought it was nice, the ending was quite entertaining.


Echo -

Your opening bar was one of the highlights of your verse, tbh. It really sets an original tone. I also like the balance of the direct talk and the imagery-based narrative. A smooth read throughout. The content you depicted was interesting and rather original with an obviously Wild Wild West take on the topic. Both verses seemed similar in terms of schemes, though, so I'd go with the more entertaining work here.

Mvgt - Echo

Mr. J
03-14-2016, 10:55 PM
Symetrik, I am unsure of who you are or who you used to be
but thats beside the fact & your style seems really new to me.
I thought this was a smooth piece but the profanity felt forced
the story is intriguing nonetheless, ahh what lovers fell for...
how twisted we are when we add another element to the picture
the first portion you shined nicely, the second & third were an odd mixture
but the ending took a few reads until I understood your wrap up
at first it seemed random but now Im like ohhhh...thats whats up
nice work...


Echo, Hello....from the jump I can tell you are focused on description
the way you focus on the lighting & colors makes me enjoy the infliction
I felt like I got lost about halfway through when we hopped across town
but as I kept reading it didnt feel like too much of a cop out......:D
(cunt with a choke) felt like it was worded a little too funny for me
yet you deter my affliction after we pass prism & ride through on horse feet
nice work here....

v/Echo, I really enjoyed both pieces but Echo left me feeling fulfilled
I felt both performed better than I had expected & showed exemplary skills
Symetrik had a nice idea working to his advantage but got out written
plus it seemed like he tried to sneak his way around the rounds limits..
regardless this was a dope battle from 2 guys I dont really seem to know
Echo just clutched it with a stronger plot with a more unique flow...
nice battle fellas...

Frank
03-14-2016, 11:57 PM
MVGT Symetrick

Tug of war decision here, folks. Wholeheartedly enjoyed Echos Indian In the Cubboard, Cops Vs Robbers, Good Guy vs Bad Guy western style fiasco... I ultimately just liked Symetricks utilizilation of the topics interpretation more. Reminded me of Pancakebrah, captivating: managing to capture this, organically innocent essence that was reaking of teen spirit. The irony though, cause Symetricks from Seattle. Birthplace of grunge. Cool flow, with a lot of extreme, up close and personal sensory imagery, eg, nice nose, hands fitting softly, etc

One of the more noteworthy 0-0 newbie showdowns I can remember. Both Welcome additions to the AOWL.

Pardon my brevity