Week 3: Just Write vs. Vividly Vague (JUST WRITE WINS SHUTOUT 8-0)

[asylum]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png

Season 6

Verses are due SATURDAY 3/19 11:59 PST

Voting ends MONDAY 3/21 11:59 PST

RULE
Select your own image from the picture thread.
Line Minimum 16
Line Maximum 48


Voting on four battles is required. If you win and don't vote the requirement you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote the requirement, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your four votes in the voting thread.

Topic: Indicate which picture from the picture thread you’re writing to when you drop your verse.

Good luck to both participants. Just Write (2-0) Vividly Vague (1-1)

[Just Write]

I couldn't help myself, great pics...

http://www.visualnews.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/homeless-black-and-white-portraits-lee-jeffries-3-600x600.jpg

http://s3.favim.com/orig/46/black-and-white-classic-couple-kiss-love-Favim.com-428543.jpg


http://thefoxisblack.com/blogimages//raiders-of-the-lost-ark-black-white-1.jpg

http://images.fineartamerica.com/images-medium-large-5/historical-20st-century-people-black-and-white-artwork-140-boon-mee.jpg

http://www.wallpaperup.com/uploads/wallpapers/2013/02/28/46125/2be2ba24b9ef0635203bd4eea72f5b6b.jpg




overlooked by many, appreciated by none
Wrinkled face, deteriorated; baked in the sun
He Use to play with guns, went by "Sargeant Supreme"
Arguably the best soldier ever called a marine


It's 1950, our hero was only nineteen years old
Recruiters chanting "freedom! Come fight for your home!"
He Said goodbye to darling, gave a kiss by the train
(And if he was going to do it,... this was the day)
"Hip hip hooray!" The crowd shouted as he bent to his knee
And reached in his pocket to give his darling a ring
She was so happy, overcome with such joy
(They almost forgot, that it was time to deploy)
As the train whistle blew, they said their last goodbyes
Gave one more kiss,... laughed and then cried.
Little did they know this would be the hardest part of their life
Never knowing if our hero would depart from this world or survive...


1955..now a hardened vet who's heart had turned cold
Our hero had Killed men in nearly ever part of the globe
He fought for his country... never seeking his fame
(NOTE: This is what most people did in these days)
He led his Brigade, was looked up to by many
A person you'd want as a friend but never as an enemy
He'd seen many things, from famine to lewd engaging acts
Some wild dangerous traps, and child labor camps
Must have been by chance that he had lasted this long..
(Been through it all, prison camps, shrapnel and bombs)
don't get me wrong, his life became exceptionally hard to manage
All of these things he been through led to him being mentally damaged.

..as time went on, the war ended and most would be forgotten
On a plane ride home with hundreds of wooden coffins
Shirt around his face to help prevent the smell so rotten
No hero's welcome home, even his darling had forgot him
But This is the toll most soldiers lives have taken
Used by a country, then quickly they're forsaken
So next time a homeless man comes and asked you for some change
Realize he could have been, the greatest soldier of his day
We all fall on hard times but it's up to you to make a difference
Our lives are OUR LIVES, so how do you choose to live it?
I myself have no limits, I'm gunna reach for the sky
Because like our hero....
the best soldiers always find the means to survive.

[e11even]

http://www.wallpaperup.com/uploads/wallpapers/2013/02/28/46125/2be2ba24b9ef0635203bd4eea72f5b6b.jpg


Books in bags? Never. Grown-ups mandated this soot and ash.
Mum and Pa don't run the slot. They had blue collars put us on the hook for cash.
They dangle us over black rock for profit. The mascots for orphan have-nots on dockets.
Our dads died at war, and our mums went loony or just plainly lacked stock in-pocket.
We were a gang of poisoned nobodies. Lungs darker than preferred company.
Our depression was never mentioned, but the economy was advertised as plummeting.
Was it the war? The scattered bullets and bodies? Never!
It was the lawmen in clean suits making dirty policies they couldn't hold together.
"There's no peace without war." Now there's no meat to feed our poor.
I get meager wages, succotash to savor in that lunch pale on the mine floor.
Oh, God. Hope me mum put a potato in there... Consumer beware.
We bought the propaganda for morale's sake... now the tab's for us kiddies to bare.
I'm 12! Two years working in the cancerous pits gave us gargantuan gifts.
Those being the chances to show big government this can't happen again.
All for coal. Now us kids have no longterm goals.
Medical complications implying we won't grow old.
We do it to support our families, in fear of government retribution.
This went in circles for years. Is that why it was called the Industrial Revolution?

[Mr. J]

Just Write, my first gripe is that you didn't put the picture to the scene
but the fact that you chose the route you did makes this slicker than it seems
I didnt enjoy the first verse due to the random rants of *hip hip hooray*
because instilled in the back of my mind is NBN & a song my discman would play...
so my imagining of the scene is ruined by the chants of ayyyy ohhhhh
but as I continue on throughout your piece you build up a proper scenario
I wouldnt have said *wild dangerous* just dangerous & child laborers
it works to the same effect without adding more to a nice line...laborers...
I put emphasis on that because I couldnt think of another word to rhyme it with
when I reached (our lives are OUR LIVES) that sounded like some timeless shit
you could put that on a billboard sign & everyone would be like whaaaat...
nice work either way....


Vividly, I am on the fence about your performance this week
perhaps you are trying to cut down on how much you been writing in the league?
regardless your story is on point for the topic you chose
you feel unbalanced about whose side you were on as the story unfolds
I felt you embody the child at first but your word choice didnt reflect the stage
your narrative is usually more clean cut & it seemed like you stressed today
its unnatural to see you go from poor/floor to retribution/revolution
I liked the bits & pieces that shed light on the new worlds evolution...
& the social commentary added at the end echoes in ambiguity
if you put more effort into this verse I think you would have swiped the victory..


v/Just Write, I felt J dub brought more flare & more desire to win.
he took it upon himself to write 3 dialogues to show a mans fire within
although I will admit he had more mistakes then his opponent
but the consistency in his flow was just enough to take the whole *win*
Vivid wrote a nice piece but he shot himself in the foot with his rhyming
his story had potential but I dont know if he was stressed by the deadline & just started writing...
whatever the reason may be the piece went up & down like a roller coaster
if he stayed with a consistent scheme this battle would have been a little closer...
alas I feel that jehovahs witness brought the bigger slice of the pie to feed my appetite
nice work fellas...have a good night

[asylum]

MVGT Just Write – Usually when someone picks multiple pictures, it doesn’t work out so well. It creates an interesting dynamic where no matter how dope your verse is, I want to pick it apart more and be like, where’s that picture go to? Kind of interfered with my read. But in all reality, this was a great piece. I really enjoyed your approach, the story flowed very smoothly and everything came together nicely in the end. I 100% support your closing statement. absolutely. Great job this week confronting important social issues with our artform. I appreciate that. Your first and second stanzas were absolutely impeccable, but I think your third’s mechanics weren’t AS good as the first two. Still, you were winding to a close. All in all this is a great piece and I definitely enjoyed it. Great job. My favorite lines..

Must have been by chance that he had lasted this long..
(Been through it all, prison camps, shrapnel and bombs)
don't get me wrong, his life became exceptionally hard to manage
All of these things he been through led to him being mentally damaged.

This flowed exceptionally well and I liked how your assonance was a little off at the end.. closed the stanza off with an edgy feel.

Vividlyvague – I enjoyed your approach but your syllable counts were all over the place and the rhymes were a little off. This was obviously a rushed piece but you did manage to hit your topic very well. You make some great points about how the poor were taken advantage of before human rights laws were enacted. I did enjoy the piece tho, don’t get me wrong. It’s dope. Favorite bar..

"There's no peace without war." Now there's no meat to feed our poor.
I get meager wages, succotash to savor in that lunch pale on the mine floor.

This was great.. had your entire piece been up to the quality of those lines, this battle would have been much closer imo.

[UnbornBuddha]

Just write: Most times when writers here try to cohesively weave an entire topic from multiple images it comes off as strained and unnecessary. But, you pulled it off and managed to write a cohesive narrative, accounting a soldier's life essentially. My favorite stanza was when he was leaving and saying a goodbye to his sweetheart. Military life is complicated, in many senses, it puts a strain onto a soldier's physical relationships, as well as forsaking the brink of his sanity in exchange for timeless and patriotic treasures such as valor and whatnot. You captured this, and managed to display the sacrifice involved. Some things you can work on is your rhymes diverge from more coplex to simple. I saw you recently stated content matters to you more than the lyrical and technical aspect of this art. I personally think that's okay, but a combination of advanced rhyming without forgoing the content is possible. I think it will strengthen the imprint your writing has, and perhaps create a bigger impact. The wood coffin line was my favorite.

Vividly: I enjoyed the topic you chose, the days of child labor. Wasn't that long ago, either, a century or so, it's a little scary. But, I guess it teaches work ethic early, huh? I think you had some strong phrasing but the blunders was that it didn't really have much flow to it, needed more internals. Anyhow, that might be a minute point since content was your highlight. I personally don't think you rushed it, there were lines that were more impact than your opponents. However, as a whole you didn't push as much him, you stopped a little short before you got to see the finish line. And not because of its length but more so the developmental attributes that didn't unravel, so as to take us onto the emphatic journey we were all waiting for.

Vote: Just write

[Pinot Grij]

Just Write

Dope opener.

Opening stanza is fucking insane. Simple rhymes to match a simple time. It felt like your verse was in black and white - that's a compliment. I loved it.


heart had turned cold / part of the globe -- that's a fuckin dope rhyme
many / enemy is not good. the first blemish in this piece though.
exceptionally hard to manage -- I think if you chose a different adverb with less syllables, you could've imrpove the flow on this line. Even "quite" or "really" - 5 syllables is a mouthful. "mentally damaged" is a bit of a rough rhyme for that line too. But I like the progression of the story in this direction.

Closing paragraph is dope as well. Darling forgot him - that's a bummer. Nice touch to bring that detail back into play though. This is the best verse I've read this week so far. Very inventive to use multiple pics as a timeline too. I was really impressed.

VividlyVague


I'm confused by the opener - not grabbed by the imagery - some indirect word choices. Talking about Mom and Pop twice in a couple lines, at first blaming them for selling the children into slavery, then saying that they're dead... Ionno, just felt weird.
"Lungs darker than preferred company." -- ??? I don't get the reference.
Clean suits / dirty policies is a really cool juxtaposition - liked that a lot.
Next couplet - the rhyming is a little weird... but the imagery is strong.
Medical complications implying we won't grow old. -- I don't know how a medical condition can imply anything really... it's got no agency to do such a thing.

VV - I think this verse really suffered from a lack of tone... strange word choices were littered through almost every line. Without an established tone, the verse just kind of veered off for me. I couldn't really place it. I wasn't a huge fan.

Vote -- Just Write, in a landslide.

[Razah]

I think this battle is a little unfair.

I liked both verses a lot, both were written very solidly. Both flowed smooth, both had enough to get my imagination going, they were both dope.

I really like Vivid's closer, that was slick. The reason I say it's unfair is because Just Write used multiple pictures, which allowed for a more space to tell a story, not to mention that they all blended in well. I actually liked Just Write's verse more, I think he did a good job putting every thing together. Sometimes that can work, sometimes it's too drawn out, but this was well done. Vivid had a dope verse, but I really preferred Write's verse and the whole combination of the pictures. *shrugs

vJust Write

[breathless]

Mvgt JustWrite

JW - at first I saw all the pictures, visualized the reverse chronology instantly and thought, this better be epic, and, well, you didn't disappoint. You could have blocked each picture to separate scenes but you blended it perfectly to make for an easy to follow, and believe, storyline. Lyrics on point, no complaints at all

Vague - my biggest issue with this is it being told from first person of one of the kids' perspectives but having too much of a modern UK hip-hop vibe. I just couldn't help imagining the grimy little brit kids standing around the gruel pot at lunch like some English orphan 8 mile lunchtruck cypher mash up. Had you just put this into 3rd person I think it may have changed my vote

[Frank]

Just Write...
Pictionary introduction there: Weaving random pictures into a sensical sequence set a tone that would carry on through the entire verse for me. The piece encapsulated the pictures, but the pictures really told the story that won you this battle. Clever, creative. Well done. The actual verse was not bad either. You write from the barracks kind of like Tom Hanks in that movie Forrest Gump. It is classic soldier letter writing. You use multies unrestrictedly. They don't line up technically sound, but they work because you write with such a natural, simple cadence and the flow of the story is on point like the progression of the pictures. The usage of Parenthesis were unnecessary. I understand why you did it; (too imply 3rd person) The reader will pick up on different points of view without you pointing it out for them. I enjoyed the ambitious finale. Noble. Fitting. Well done.

Vividly Vague...
Gargantuan gifts - Liked that alliteration: Snot nosed verse. I read it in the tone of voice of the lollypop kids leader from the movie the Wizard of Oz. Rhythm was interesting because you couldn't pinpoint it. Start and go. Stop. Start. Go. Stop. The content went through the ringer because of it. By the time it got to the rinse cycle, the verse was bent out of shape. It never got grounded enough to settle. Seemed like you saved the pen from going into the dryer, though. Picture saved the piece from obscurity. Quality took a dip from last week where I thought you dropped your best verse yet. Consistency is key, my friend.

Both used the same picture (kinda) One verse, presentation rather, was more impressive.

MVGT Just Write