Week 3: Razah vs. Mr. J (MR. J WINS SHUTOUT 8-0)

[asylum]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png

Season 6

Verses are due SATURDAY 3/19 11:59 PST

Voting ends MONDAY 3/21 11:59 PST

RULE
Select your own image from the picture thread.
Line Minimum 16
Line Maximum 48


Voting on four battles is required. If you win and don't vote the requirement you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote the requirement, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your four votes in the voting thread.

Topic: Indicate which picture from the picture thread you’re writing to when you drop your verse.

Good luck to both participants. Razah (2-0) Mr. J (1-1)

[Mr. J]

Halfhearted scam artist raised by the black market
Code name: Jack Dawson, the world in his back pocket
His plan started by setting up the usual facade.
a back-story that turned into a beautiful mirage.
a dream within a dream, consumed in the thought.
He would dance to his own beat of delusional applause
Heart breaker, the mortgage thief & stock taker.
Rock, Paper, make the cut & get caught in his odd capers
if that relationship is exposed you'll lose that yacht, sailor.
There is no telling what’s beneath that small glacier...
Jack often posed as voluptuous women in their thirties
He would claim he was from Cali & vacationed in Jersey
He would photoshop shots of unknown starlets & models
for the right price you were safe from unwanted debacle
you were free to keep your past but it would cost you tomorrow..
after the deal was made & he was done financially trashing them
He would set up a webcam showing he was happily adamant...
the following day he would delete his profile from Ashley Madison


http://t0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcSpnaYS78bIpPFFhtbuOxU5SMyDqjjsf KVM13Z8-nh68EZaHRjmmA

[Razah]

I felt my knees shake as they started to buckle
Do I find myself alone or are you a part of the struggle
I sit & I watch, it's like the world is caught in the hustle
I can't stand to see a mirror, I hope you pardon the stubble
Thought life was a cake walk but it's hard when you stumble
It's quick to collapse when you lack parts of the puzzle
I was standing still & seen the tears get lost in the rubble
Then I fell to my knees & felt what it's like to fall in a puddle
Felt like I was drowning in fear but no one would lend me a hand
Had to float back to the shore & decided to blend with the sand
Life was a beach & was great, now a simple mistake can explain
Why I fight for survival & confusion is engraved on my face
I blew the residue off, I remember the day it wasn't the same
I hope to catch a second wind as remorse runs through my veins
Grew cold when I lost every dollar I made, I'm usually warm
The way some people react makes me feel like I'm not human no more
I don't get treated as equal, can't be purged in the darkness
I heard home's where the heart is- & that's the worse for the heartless

homeless.

http://www.visualnews.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/07/homeless-black-and-white-portraits-lee-jeffries-3-600x600.jpg

[asylum]

Mr. J - You would choose that pic. Lol. This verse was dope man I enjoyed it. Ended very well. I’m not sure if there was something I didn’t catch, but I feel like I’m missing something. Favorite bars..

a dream within a dream, consumed in the thought.
He would dance to his own beat of delusional applause

Jack often posed as voluptuous women in their thirties
He would claim he was from Cali & vacationed in Jersey

Fucking hilarious. I really needed a comedy piece man and you came through this week. I’m still left wondering what you meant by small glacier? No clue what that meant. PM me and tell me. But for the record i like it anyways. On a second read through, I’m paying attention to your immaculate attention to detail as far as mechanics goes. Your syllable counts are really lining up and your rhymes are exceptionally good. I can understand why you’re always so critical of how people rhyme. That’s because you are so damn good at it. Wordplay has been lacking recently in my verses, so I really appreciated that rock paper line. That line was quality man, had a nice ring to it. So this guy did weird shit with people and recorded it on webcam then extorted them? Fairly entertaining, actually. I’m glad I read this a second time.

Razah – you started off a little shaky but picked up momentum fast. Wooow this is actually amazing. Your verse almost seems intentionally unsure, shaky.. vulnerable. You really captured the essence of what you were going for and embodied it. Skills man, all day. Favorite lines..

Life was a beach & was great, now a simple mistake can explain
Why I fight for survival & confusion is engraved on my face
I blew the residue off, I remember the day it wasn't the same
I hope to catch a second wind as remorse runs through my veins

Excellent take on your topic. Great rhymes. Quality work. On a second read through these lines really stuck out to me..
Felt like I was drowning in fear but no one would lend me a hand
Had to float back to the shore & decided to blend with the sand
Life was a beach & was great, now a simple mistake can explain
I passed those first two lines by at first but your flawless nod at denial paired with the entertaining use of, “life was a beach..” was particularly entertaining. This was really an emotional piece.

/v – I think J took it this week. I was leaning towards razah on the first read. But I knew it was close, and after the second I understood J’s angle.. his rhymes were a little too clean, and his plot was a little too strong for razah to take it this week. had razah introduced some kind of crux of the verse and went with a stronger storyline his emotional display would have easily gained him a victory. But this one’s going to the box, I expect a close battle. Nice drops from both.

[UnbornBuddha]

Mr. J- Your approach here was very calculated. And the rhythm was impeccable. Then there was the humor that coated the piece throughout its entirety. Albeit, I did have some confusion that entered my mind, while I read this. Namely from this line "Jack often posed as voluptuous women in their thirties". Are you saying he dressed up as older woman? I thought he scammed them not pretend to be one. I say this because there seems to be discord between this and what follows. So, a little more clarity there would have made it more luminous. Still, I understood the essence and it was comical and satisfying.

Razah: Your simplicity never fails. Its like I said to you sometime in the Winter topical, that you are like a shadow, a topical ninja. Mostly because you don't make a lot of noise, but when it comes to it, your always at the semi's having annihilated quite a few writers along you way. And of course your simplicity and smoothness is your greatest weapon, but you do rely on them almost to a fault. And this is the case here. You tackled the topic very straightforward, and it was almost predictable. Which at times is the necessary move, but here with Netcees clown as your opponent, he will pull a wildcard of unpredictability on you. And I don't think he outwrote you, but he did outconceptualize you and repelled the very real emotion you conveyed with his humorous take.

Vote: Mr. J

[Adonis]

I enjoyed each. I liked the missing puzzle and homeless heart concepts Razah. Mr j came with the better flow though, and had the more complete verse in my eyes. He had the better execution because I think he did more with his concept. Similar styles in general, but Jay had the stronger outing a single notch above when I factor everything in. A cat fish type concept a la "Manti Teo" with a humorous twist over a solid topical utilizing conceptual lines about a homeless.



V/ doobie brother

Jay

[Just Write]

man, been some very tough votes this week, most of what ive read could have gone either way,

Mr. J... lol cant believe you wrote to that pic... and won, now ill tell you why you got my vote

His plan started by setting up the usual facade.
a back-story that turned into a beautiful mirage.
a dream within a dream, consumed in the thought.
He would dance to his own beat of delusional applause

ok so that was just exceptional, i really really liked the beautiful mirage line for some reason. also if i remember correctly hackers exposed millions of ashley madison profiles and revealed quite a few of them (in the thousands) were fake, dont know if thats where you got this idea or not but for me it made it a relevant and more believable story so bravo, the cali/jersey line was dope as well


Razah, you have become one of my favorite writers in this league even though i barely started reading your work, your small details and thought provoking lines can be credited for this, for instance this here

Felt like I was drowning in fear but no one would lend me a hand
Had to float back to the shore & decided to blend with the sand

that was just beautiful... no homo

the following line though made me say ugh, i hate the whole "life's a beach" cliche line, i think its played out and also stood out in this piece as whats the word? maybe tacky? idk, i still enjoyed your verse quite a lot but going against an opponent like mr J you have to be 100% on point and i feel like this piece wasnt quite there


again another great battle but in this one mvgt=Mr. J

[Artifice]

damn, this was a great showing.

J,

solid, real solid. flowed smooth, developed nicely, painted just the right picture. A fun read, executed expertly.

Razah,

you took the more serious approach. Your verse had emotion, passion, and heart. It flowed nice, i think it was just missing that little something to put it over the top. It grabbed me, but it didn't grab me enough to compensate for J's slightly more polished piece, IMO.

Two great verses, good job on both.

v/ Mr. J

[symetrik]

okay this is hands down a brilliant versus.
love both pieces so so so much.
razah's piece felt a little incomplete at first, kinda just creating an image but boy did he wrap it all together at the end. should have seen it coming but nonetheless, great finish. hit me emotionally.
mr. j's piece creates a really good, pretty fresh storyline. really solid flow the entire way and I was smiling the entire way through as well.

mvgt Mr. J

[breathless]

Mvgt MrJ

J - this piece was pretty much perfect, even reading back I can't find anything to pick apart, the catfish story take on the picture is fucking hilarious, but you did it in a not silly way, the cadence was on point, build up and reveal of plot, I mean, it was good everywhere

Razah - also a really great piece, captured the man's struggle physically and emotionally with great imagery. My only real complaint is the lines, many times there's was an extra hard syllable between the multi-rhyme sets that through if my read rhythm

[Frank]

Mr. J...
Brownie points for taking one for the team. Hilarious choice. Writing was significantly better than I could remember you being capable of. Verse was just the right length for the effect you were after. The punchline hit. You weren't interested in created a backstory, you simply mentioned the word back story to allow the reader to make up their own backstory. Not quite sure if that was purposely done or subconscious, but it dropped pounds off the verse, clearing filler. You probably knew the last line andset it up sufficiently enough. Good read.

Razah...
I liked the flow, not from a technical aspect, but from a simple enjoyment level. I don't believe you captured the voice of the image to its extent, but you pretty much nailed it in your own capacity. Not a huge fan of short bar, but you are an exception. Your line length sits at its own golden ration. Line length reminds me of The 3 Little Bears. Not too tall, not too shortbar. I didn't like how the ideas meshed. Talking about the warm beach, then it got cold all of a sudden? Just mentioning a beach in general threw the vibe off for me. Just not enough room for the ideas to manifest.

Overall, Cool battle.

MVGT Mr. J