Week 3: Artifice vs. Asylum (ASYLUM WINS 7-2)

[asylum]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png

Season 6

Verses are due SATURDAY 3/19 11:59 PST

Voting ends MONDAY 3/21 11:59 PST

RULE
Select your own image from the picture thread.
Line Minimum 16
Line Maximum 48


Voting on four battles is required. If you win and don't vote the requirement you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote the requirement, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your four votes in the voting thread.

Topic: Indicate which picture from the picture thread you’re writing to when you drop your verse.

Good luck to both participants. Artifice (0-0) asylum (0-2)

[Artifice]

http://t2.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQWSrH1NaumNbGtzbQXejS63fHLBucgn KqtP0HVSfKxIaDH3gRY

as day fades death engages in dangerous travel
on a path paved with pain, dirt terrain stained with gravel
takes rein n' saddle across plains of grazing cattle
aims to trap you in a grave, never again your flame'll crackle
his face in the shadow, his demeanor is wicked
his bucket list consists of bunches of stiffs eager to kick it
plots' deceitful and twisted, sick curses and omens
when death's afoot be ready to hoof it any spur of the moment
try to hold your own n' keep goin', don't let him get to you
it's hard to hurdle the lies while tryin' to ride a stretch of truth
cuz life is a race in which you ain't prepared to win
against a horse of a different color and his pales in comparison
try to jockey for position but it's a fruitless endeavor
could occupy first for a bit, but shit the two of you tethered
and many mention him as legend, a folklore or fable
but it's no pretending when he ends up approaching the stable
life's a flowing river that could dry up in the blink of it
as death will lead his horse to water n' get him to drink from it

[asylum]

http://isthmus.com/downloads/36061/download/Books-ChapelleDickey-crWisconsinHistoricalSociety-12102015.jpg?cb=00a978f6b3ada42783b81a9a7bba39d7&w=640&ar=

Tired and exhausted, she turned up her camera’s shutter speed,
scanned the battle scene and tried to ignore her heart's fluttering.
A tank burst into flames and shrapnel whispered in their ears,
sizzling steel ignited her drivers beard, their Jeep shuddered as it veered,
“GET DOWN DICKEY!” he screamed as she turned to site the burning wreck,
snapped the shot, said a prayer. Wasn’t there to earn a check.
She yearned to address wars human cost and crossed frontlines to do it,
and tore across scorched battlefields avoiding enemy movements.
Earned her airborne status and jumped alongside men when few lived.
Across bloody volcanic rocks she marched with the Marine Corps,
in the same fatigues, through her Harlequin glasses, she’d seen war.
Received awards and medals, respected by all her peers,
she fought the same fight as they did. They shed the same tears,
she just wore pearls in her ears and rucked completely different gear.
Throughout the different years and conflicts she defied death devoid of fear,
until one day in Vietnam the shrapnel didn’t miss.
There isn’t a single thing in the world this woman didn’t give.

[Mr. J]

Artifice, I have noticed that you are a new competitor
& this first showing is quite impressive for an AOWL beginner.
my guess is you are not new to topicals because it shows
your word choice is nice & you never seemed to rush the flow
it took me a second & third read to fully gather my thoughts
from the beginning you set it up nicely because it answers a lot
my first thought was just another cowboy out in the mountains
but after looking deeper I see *Death* is your subject & wow...kid...
you really impressed me although some of the wording is clunky
it took me a second to overlook it but overall this is a real fun piece
I felt the ending could have been different but oh well...
love that *pales in comparison* line you added that in so well!
nice work

Asylum, ahh the man that has placed me in such a small cell to grow
Im glad you are back online again & all I have to say is....welcome home.
your piece was quite amazing & really showcased some skilled narrative
you shed light on a journalists journey into the world of the perilous..
although I found some of your wording to be kind of weird for the most part
you still brought a chilling tale to the table & to me that really goes far
I for one...think that the use of *fluttering* was out of place in this piece
I feel like that word is commonly associated with butterflies to say the least...
otherwise you really brought your A game *I blame the cough syrup*
but I enjoyed the piece nonetheless, good show boss...word up...


v/Asylum, this was a great battle from a newcomer & the leagues coordinator
it was hard choosing a winner because both brought their own different flavor
the tale Artifice brought was twisted with some great lines & interesting concepts
but Asylum had a stronger verse by the way it had continuously progressed
this would be my choice for BOTW because both styles clash nicely against the other
I feel like this would be a close one due to the way they compliment each other...
otherwise....Asylum comes out on top for having a stronger plot & interesting ending
although I do applaud Artifices first showing...cheers mate...to an interesting beginning

[2tripple0]

Lol Mr. J making complete verses as his feed...

Anyways I wasn't really overly impressed with either of these pieces. I thought artifice was decent but he didn't really tackle the topic until halfway through his verse...whereas otoh asylum kept to the content better but again I didn't enjoy how some of his rhymes didn't even rhyme at the end of his lines but overall I think he tackled his topic better then artifice but good luck to both of these lyricists....

Vote..... Asylum

[Just Write]

This was a great battle!

Artifice, welcome to the club man, glad to have you..
I really enjoyed this piece and the way you incorporated all the little horse references i.e. "spur of the moment, horse of a different color, jockey for position" and so on, some clever little twists here and there as well, however I didn't like the "flame'll crackle" line or the bucket list line, I felt they were out of place in this piece and we're there solely for rhyme purposes, had you reworded them a bit I think this would have been a flawless piece, and against someone like asylum that's what you need. Thanks for the read.


Asylum,
First off 2triple0 marine corps is pronounced marine core which rhymes great with she seen war so it actually did rhyme. *Semper fi*

Yay!, I loved this so much man, just great description and placed me right on the battle ground with her as she was running across the field with bullets wizzing by her, it's a real scary feeling and I feel you captures that pretty great. And the closing line was very powerful and made me say "damn" which I love when I get that feeling when I read something, if you wrote more clear like this in a narrative view I think you would be just unstoppable, your word choice was great. Bravo


So this is actually a very hard battle to vote on as well, we have had some great battles this week and I feel the competition is at a pretty high level right now which is great to see. I love how any 1 person can win on any given week, this week comes down to personal preference on 2 great pieces, but I think asylum just came strong this week and edged out the victory here.. great battle fellas
Mvgt=asylum

[UnbornBuddha]

This was excellent.

Artifice: Like Mr. J said, this was very impressive for your first showing. I loved the incorporation of the topic with the subtle metaphorical nuance that you revealed at the end. It was well done, however there were some mishaps that I feel could have been addressed, the flame'll crackle being one of them. And I get what you did grammatically, but it just looks weird to use a contraction there without the other aspect of it. It was good though.

Asylum: I loved the ending, very impactful. One possible blunder I felt was the first couplet, rhyming speed with fluttering, while it kind of rhymes, it just too much of a slant rhyme for your first couplet, something more precise for your introductory clause is important, nothing should be questionable, later on the slant rhyme is okay. You humanized this character very much and it was applaudable how humane of a depiction you conveyed.

In one hand I enjoyed Artice topic a little better, but I felt Asylum here writing was stronger, albeit Artice did a great job as well.

I'm going to go for: Asylum

[Pinot Grij]

Artifice

opening quartet is nice - setting the scene - imagery is dope. I only wish you capitalized Death's name so that we see him clearly established as your character.
bucket list line is a little too interpretive for the narrative line you've established. I would've liked something more concrete.
ready to hoof it couplet is very nice - like the horse motif being put to work.
lies/truth is nice - Death's victims have chosen this path and by the time they try to turn things around, its too late.
I liked the continuation of the horse motif down the stretch. It was worded crisply. The only criticism I could give is that you leaned on horse-related idioms and phrases too heavily and got a bit away from a solid storyline. The closer sounds dope, but offers no true ending point.

Either way, I dug the verse - it was a cool exercise that was well-executed.

Asylum
I'm stuck on whether I like the "shutter speed / fluttering" rhyme choice. In theory, it's a cool idea, but it read weirdly in my head.
The tank attack scene is weirdly worded for me. She's not there to collect a check? I think there should be more backstory before that line is just thrown out - it feels weird to drop that thought and then delve into backstory.
"do it / movement" couplet is dope.
Marine Corps shit is dope too.
I like the rhymes down the stretch, but the story just feels incomplete. I still didn't really get a motivation for her being a war photographer while not "earning a check" - so, she's there to share in the wartime experience with the soldiers, then? That seems far-fetched. Your imagery was tight, but I wish there was a different order to your storytelling, and I think for the story you wanted to tell, the verse should've been longer and more encompassing of your character's life and times.

Vote -- Artifice

[Pharaohs Army]

tough one for me
Artifice has a great flow here
I'd quote lines but it's pretty self-evident and consistent throughout
Regrettably, my "personal preference" may have hurt him here... if he was going against a "lesser" verse he'd get my vote,

But, with the verse here by Asylum, also crisp flows and rhymes

By personal preference I guess I mean I am leaning towards mvgt Asylum because of a bit more storytelling/imagery thrown in

Artifice, this take on Death, while sound technically.. I am not sure... maybe I was just expecting a little story mixed in with the turn-of-phrases

asylum you've got my vote here for the above reasons, but I do not like your closing line at all (content-wise)..
There isn’t a single thing in the world this woman didn’t give.
Cliche& Seems like you're just trying to wrap it up/get it over with
until one day in Vietnam the shrapnel didn’t miss.

^cool. With this kind of setup I think you could have found something better to close with

close; good job both

[Razah]

Artifice, I liked the verse.

as day fades death engages in dangerous travel
on a path paved with pain, dirt terrain stained with gravel
takes rein n' saddle across plains of grazing cattle
aims to trap you in a grave, never again your flame'll crackle

Strong way to open, kept the pace going, and wrapped up nicely. I liked the whole death chasing you & racing away from it. Not too hard of a concept, but I liked it more cuz I don't think I would've thought of going that route from this picture. But, now that I read the verse, and seen the picture, that concept fits so well. Good shit.

Aww Asylum, the way you ended made me sad. :'(

Lol, cool verse man. Appreciate the story telling, and some of the wording of your lines made me 'feel' for the character, brought her to life.

Tired and exhausted, she turned up her camera’s shutter speed,
scanned the battle scene and tried to ignore her heart's fluttering.
A tank burst into flames and shrapnel whispered in their ears,
sizzling steel ignited her drivers beard, their Jeep shuddered as it veered,
“GET DOWN DICKEY!” he screamed as she turned to site the burning wreck,
snapped the shot, said a prayer. Wasn’t there to earn a check.
She yearned to address wars human cost and crossed frontlines to do it,
and tore across scorched battlefields avoiding enemy movements.

Was drawn in from the very beginning. My only complaint is after that, your 9th bar & tenth bar had a different end rhyme. That kind of threw me off, had to read the line before again to get a natural rhythm going. Besides that, very enjoyable.

I'm looking forward to Artifice in this league, I like the way he writes. Honestly, after reading this, I didn't think asylum had it in him to write something better. I think he was out classed here as far as rhyming, but everything else made up for it. Drawing someone in emotionally, and letting them 'feel' for a made up character is dope. It's only happened a couple times after reading 100's of verse. Appreciate that.

vasylum

[symetrik]

artifice

flow
... on a path paved with pain, dirt terrain stained with gravel
takes rein n' saddle across plains of grazing cattle
aims to trap you in a grave, never again your flame'll crackle
his face in the shadow, his demeanor is wicked
his bucket list consists of bunches of stiffs eager to kick it
life's a flowing river that could dry up in the blink of it
as death will lead his horse to water n' get him to drink from it


no
try to hold your own n' keep goin', don't let him get to you
it's hard to hurdle the lies while tryin' to ride a stretch of truth

love love love the last line, great imagery.

asylum

honestly dug the entire thing the whole way through
such a good ending, made me reread with much deeper appreciation.

mvgt asylum

[Adonis]

Art - points for spur of the moment jib. Plus pales in comparison. I like this quick witted style of writing because it breathes life into a verse, it makes the read pop some. A small nugget of spice and shit. Mmlp for sure. I liked this verse as is, but I do wish more action occurred. It lacked plot, which isn't bad, but in this case I felt it needed another component to get this fully cooked. Good shit though. I enjoyed it

Pat - shrapnel whispering in ears is too dope, I also lold at the girls name, ironic I guess. You decorated a soldier, and it made it a girl. You rhymed well, kept great pace given the both the time jumps and the Acton taking place in between. I mean the images, bloody rocks in a desert, paratroopers etc. Solid read, I only read 6 but this was one of the better ones.


More gripping of a read



I went back and read this after I cast my vote and I'm actually changing it. I missed death at play,and though this is not a new concept, it was done well. This tipped the scales for me because he perfectly executed his concept. Two very good reads, close in skill and talent, but I personally enjoy the deeper concept over the face value of Pats war soldier


V/art