Week 4: Jesodist & Godcomplex vs. Adonis & Zee Dee (TIED

[asylum]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png

Season 6

Verses are due SATURDAY 3/26 11:59 PST

Voting ends MONDAY 3/28 11:59 PST

RULE
Pick a story lead from the thread and include the number of the story lead along with your verse.

VERSES MAY NOT EXCEED 64 Lines

Voting on four battles is required. If you win and don't vote the requirement you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote the requirement, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your four votes in the voting thread.

Story Leads: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?p=574811#post574811

Good luck to our participants. JESODIST & Godcomplex vs. Adonis & Zee Dee

[asylum]

Adonis
Topic: Write about something ugly — war, fear, hate, or cruelty–but find the beauty (silver lining) in it.




Mark was a strange youth, socially awkward
A comic book recluse with horrible posture
At home within fiction - traversing a mind
Lost in the caverns amiss of sunshine
Two laces short of a set
A pair of Jordans where Jumpman’s facing the left
A screw or two loose in terms of emotion
As he grew, so too his abusive devotion
Started with ants but soon matured to a being
This need of excitement stemmed from his dreams
Reality infused imagination
This young sprat grew in maturation
Expanding tendencies to habits
Where actions lay waste in malpractice
One morning his demons opened the gates,
Though he loved, he’d bring this evil down to his grave
Mark watched her at the bar, tossing them back
Already with DUI, she saw merit in walking her path
So… Down a poorly lit alley she sang, jingling keys
But he inched near too loud as she reached for some peace
A single muzzle flash reflects off the walls
Mark’s beating heart thumped down to a stall

…

Darkness devours
Every speckle of light retreats in a cower
I enter the scene; slithering silent
A black cloak masking chivalrous violence
“Mark, do you know who I am?
Why, I’m that traveling wind
Passing chills down a spine overpowering limbs
Leaving hair raised, changing color to a powdery print
I’m the Dark Knight, the Yang to what’s angelic
The gavel of justice punching holes in your ballot
We’ll have a swell time, but then again, time no longer exists
Please, sit. Enjoy torture, my only real gift
They say beauty’s in the eye of the beholder,
so please, allow me your gaze as a coaster
Your hands are covered in dirt
Bodies buried as you muffled each smirk
But now it’s your turn to be shoveling worth
For century’s, each victim can cock back till your fucking nuts burst
Most people assume I love slowly killing off souls
Au Contraire, your life has earned you constant filling of polls
I am death, destroyer of globes
Sadistic; But I’m the silver lining exposed"

[asylum]

Buddha
Write about your body.

Celestial mutant, bending spoons with other metahumans.
No, the truth is I’m under duress from mental confusion
I guess I’m distressed from being so pensive and stupid.
Now, I suffer demented delusions because my heart is troubled.
Somatizing my psychological struggles with carpal tunnel
Just to be able to write I hack off muscle from these arms I’ve sculptured.
Carnage ruptures, abscesses, but at least, my hands don’t feel so tense.
Am I really flesh or am I something else. Is this just a silly test?
Physical therapists couldn’t heal my legs. Everyday walking a little less.
Being alive just to count the days toward a meaningless death. Sickly quest.
The windy city has left Cred, deadman, and I with chilly necks,
Cynical Illinois men due to not seeing sunshine for months on end.
I’m sun obsessed. I love watching my girlfriend dance around in her summer dress.
Writing about my perception of my body brings out dysmorphia.
But, the flaws are as imaginary as a perfect Utopia.
My body has a head, legs, and arms like Exodia.
It’s magical how I could wake up and do things.
Create the future, with movements based on fate or illusion.
Contemplating the blueprint, yet unlocking my DNA seems fruitless.
Insatiate by the rubric, I’m debating my ruin, deciding whether to begin embracing the crooked.
Meditating on the nature of hubris. Virtue isn’t a sacred absolution.
Look at me. An animal that never became tamed from evolution.
Being a homo sapien with this kind of brain as an inclusion
Does not make you or I better than any other species.
But, maybe we are, yet pain is an attribution of our genius.
The genesis of our genus began with our demons.
Is the hand that I feed them with evil?
The allusion from every feature of mine that is weakly and feeble
The reason I mention them is so I can see my own ego.
And decide whether it should be the life force that twiddles my fingers.
Frostbite compromised my circulation. Raynaud’s left me crippled and hindered.
Chicago winters are sinister and bitter. The remedy is ginger and liquor.
But, adapting has turned me to a drinker with a sclerotic liver.
In essence,
I’m trying to find equilibrium as an inherently chaotic creature.

[Mr. J]

ZeeDonis, I thought the story line was quite impressive
you both created a character with his own perspective
after the first half I gotta be real, I was kind of confused
was it his subconscious in the end who was following through?
...after a second read I think Im starting to understand..
he was a representation of the loneliness in a man...
would that make the woman death? what an interesting piece
the blending of 2 styles makes the presentation...neat
confusing at first but I think upon a second read Im catching on
the development of the character is what threw me off...
plus the ambiguity & tone is quite impressive fellas
a perfect amount of work without being too overzealous...

Buddha, I enjoyed your verse due to your grasp on your rhyming
I think these different topics help with the styles you are trying
of course you still retain your normal style which is mostly religious
this time around you stepped out of that boundary & I saw the difference
you are growing as a writer. this topic suited you because your approach is clean
about halfway through though I felt that you went off subject nahmean?
I dont understand the use of your girlfriend as well as Cred & deadman
perhaps it was just a shout out to your city & lay your head...annnnnd...
well I didnt really understand the need for that because you were doing good
otherwise you played with the topic nicely & did what you could....
nice work...

v/ZeeDonis, I think their blending of styles paid off in the end
Buddha I enjoyed your verse & you did your best my friend....
but the topic above you came with a more vivid approach than you
about halfway through Buddhas verse it felt less than eventful
but he did his topic justice by coming through with a smooth scheme
ZeeDonis just had a cool concept & they did enough to seduce me
on a 3rd read the story started to make more sense & seemed fun
the character development was cool & the ending was clean cut...
nice battle fellas

[asylum]

Adonis – well it started as a crazy little story about a random kid but it took a pretty bad turn for this worse, quick. I appreciated the first stanza a little more than the second as far as effective writing goes, but the second half of this was pretty cool too. It had it’s own appeal in areas the first didn’t and vice versa. That made for an effective drop, in my opinion. Nice work fellas.
Buddha/Jes – This piece was dope, straight topical. Really enjoyed the approach. Rhymes were great, story bounced around a bit but this was a pretty dope drop. That chaotic creature line at the end kinda stuck out to me, I’m not sure how to pronounce whatever sclerotic liver means but yeah. I probably have it lol. Anyway, classic Buddha shone through here and it was dope.’

/v buddha because honestly, I think he brought a little more to the table. I mean if Adonis had carried the tone of the first half throughout the entire piece.. it would've worked a bit more. Even with the short syllable counts, it was really effective writing but the entire piece wasn’t exactly cohesive and buddha’s was. I enjoyed both about equally, but I have to give the nod to someone..

[symetrik]

for adonis, I really enjoyed the first half. quick subtle formation of the subject showing his sadistic tendencies rapidly evolved into a climax (though not the expected one).
the second half was an interesting idea but I didn't quite grasp the overall of it. was it becoming his job? etc. kinda lost me on this part.

for buddha, it was all well tied together. kept even keel with winter and cold and broken body. started really strong, started to lose speed for me though. tied together nicely in a way, as it became a bit more hectic of a read and finalized with admittance of being a chaotic creature.

mvgt - UnbornBuddha godcomplex whatever

[Just Write]

ok first off, netcees needs to incorporate an auto-save feature so someone doesnt lose an entire vote like i did yesterday, i got pissed off and had to walk away from my pc lol, (if you guys need help with this pm me)


ok so, for the second time



Adonis, i loved this man, before you even let on in the chat and discussion thread that you wrote this entire piece i knew you did, you have a very unique style which i actually admire, funny thing is after knowing what you look like it surprises me that you write so eloquently lol, (thats meant as a compliment btw) you look like one of my friends who is a burning man go-er, someone who parties more than not haha. anyways moving on i really loved this line right here for some reason, it was so simple yet creative

Two laces short of a set
A pair of Jordans where Jumpman’s facing the left

i immediately looked to my shoes and dare i say it? giggled, but in a manly way. i however did not like these following lines

Reality infused imagination
This young sprat grew in maturation

i find the -tion rhymes to just be gaudy and i tend to try and not use them, also maturation? i actually dont know what that means but at first glance i think it derives from the word mature, which if it did would not rhyme with imagination, well not how i say it back to myself, and tbh its hard enough to get someone to read a piece let alone look up definitions, pronunciation, or search for a pieces "deeper meaning". this is why i PERSONALLY stray away from anything i think the majority of the reading audience would not understand, but again this is minor personal preference issues, and i only bring this up because we talked about the whole constructive criticism thing, so i wanted to give you a better feed than normal. moving on, i also enjoyed the "DUI/merit walking her path" line, very creative

So… Down a poorly lit alley she sang, jingling keys
But he inched near too loud as she reached for some peace

i think this would have read smoother had you left out the word "some" in the second line, again only personal preference.

i also enjoyed this couplet very much,

Darkness devours
Every speckle of light retreats in a cower
I enter the scene; slithering silent
A black cloak masking chivalrous violence

i tend to add these to my pieces a lot lol

this next quoted portion was really great,
Passing chills down a spine overpowering limbs
Leaving hair raised, changing color to a powdery print
I’m the Dark Knight, the Yang to what’s angelic
The gavel of justice punching holes in your ballot
We’ll have a swell time, but then again, time no longer exists
Please, sit. Enjoy torture, my only real gift

i was starting to highlight which part i wanted to quote and it just kept going lol, i did not get the coaster line though, maybe because im a little tired but still, even though i really enjoyed the "cock back til your fuckin nuts burst line (it made me lol) i felt it was very much out of place in this piece, a far as the whole mood you set.

the ending was on point, i really enjoyed how it was death talking to him and was basically saying "nah dude, you're safe as long as you keep sendin those bodies my way" lol. plus the last line put a raher nice exclamation point on the piece. very nice drop adonis.



UnbornBuddha
i really enjoyed this opening
Celestial mutant, bending spoons with other metahumans.
No, the truth is I’m under duress from mental confusion
I guess I’m distressed from being so pensive and stupid.
Now, I suffer demented delusions because my heart is troubled.
Somatizing my psychological struggles with carpal tunnel

as soon as you said metahumans i was thinking of the flash and star city lmao, yes im a fan. i also enjoyed the aabbb rhyme scheme, the switch was on point. ive tried to pull this off but there's always that one person who is like "your end rhymes dont match, boo" and discourages any further experimentation of rhyme patterns/schemes. but again this was done nicely.

Being alive just to count the days toward a meaningless death. Sickly quest.

i enjoyed this line as well but i think the whole "sickly quest" add on should have been left off, again this is personal preference.

Cynical Illinois men due to not seeing sunshine for months on end.
I’m sun obsessed. I love watching my girlfriend dance around in her summer dress.

ayyy, i was just in chicago on a layover the other day... tbh, i probably didnt do it right because i tried to get some pizza on my 1 hour layover (yea, how fuckin touristy of me) but that shit was gross lmao. also i really enjoyed the summer dress line, i dont know why. i guess it dropped a bit of personality to the piece.

Writing about my perception of my body brings out dysmorphia.
But, the flaws are as imaginary as a perfect Utopia.
My body has a head, legs, and arms like Exodia.

now im just being honest here, i really disliked this section, not for what you were trying to say, but for the same reason i told adonis about the maturation word, i dont know a couple of the words and im not so involved in this writing thing that im going to go look up the meaning and pronunciation, now i know you cant help people being more stupid than yourself or the fact that someone doesnt want to look up a meaning or how to pronounce something but when you are having people vote on something its best to write to the audience, not yourself... or at least thats my opinion.

It’s magical how I could wake up and do things.
Create the future, with movements based on fate or illusion.
Contemplating the blueprint, yet unlocking my DNA seems fruitless.
Insatiate by the rubric, I’m debating my ruin, deciding whether to begin embracing the crooked.

i did however enjoy this part, the last line leads me to believe you are talking about MS? either way it was nicely written.

Meditating on the nature of hubris. Virtue isn’t a sacred absolution.
Look at me. An animal that never became tamed from evolution.
Being a homo sapien with this kind of brain as an inclusion

just saying, i hate the -tion, -sion end rhymes.. reason being is there are literally thousands of words having the -tion rhyme and most people dont care about how the rest of the word rhymes, and as im sure you already know not all of them are perfect rhymes. this however was talked nicely.

The allusion from every feature of mine that is weakly and feeble
The reason I mention them is so I can see my own ego.

this was slick, i enjoyed that feeding my ego line

And decide whether it should be the life force that twiddles my fingers.
Frostbite compromised my circulation. Raynaud’s left me crippled and hindered.
Chicago winters are sinister and bitter. The remedy is ginger and liquor.
But, adapting has turned me to a drinker with a sclerotic liver.
In essence,
I’m trying to find equilibrium as an inherently chaotic creature.

again, the Raynauds reference left me clueless (not your fault, but still i wont go look it up either) also da fuck is sclerotic? and this is where i get left torn, i dont want to judge a piece that i fully dont understand but at the same time im not getting graded on this so im not going to go research everything



i tried to give you guys a little more in depth feed and constructive critism on how i think and approuch a piece when i read and vote on it. you guys can choose to see it for what it is or not.

so in the end for me it basically comes down to interpretation of a piece, where as one was more clean cut and i was just able to sit back and enjoy where it took me, the other i felt i had a bunch of stop signs where i had to try to figure out where i was going, this for me comes down to personal preference, and while i did enjoy buddha's piece, i enjoyed adonis's piece much more for its natural cadence displayed so this week he gets the vote from me

mvgt-Adonis

[Artifice]

Adonis & Zee...

didn't quite see the connection the first read through, but after a second reading, i think i get it. The second verse is Mark's punishment for his 'attempt' during the first verse. The silver lining is the 'eye for an eye' of being tortured by death for his sins. Really dug this.

first verse had some cool lines that helped provide some substance to the outcast nature of the character(comic and ant lines), second verse had some really nice imagery built into it. i enjoyed the flow of the first verse better, but content-wise i think they transitioned nicely, although I didn't put it all together on the first read through...

Overall, a really fun read.

GodComplex & Buddha

I thought that your two verses went together seamlessly into a single piece, so congrats on that off the bat. Flow wise it's pretty good, started out a little stronger than it finished imo but stayed pretty consistent thoughout. My biggest problem was that conceptually it didn't really grow for me, it didn't really move much anywhere. By slightly past the middle I wasn't as grabbed as I was in the beginning, and while the ending was okay, it didn't do enough to bring me back.

A fun read, but didn't have quite enough to take it in this one, imho.

v/ Adonis & Zee

[Razah]

Adonis / ZeeDee

Both parts flowed smoothly. I have no major issues with anything, all was thoroughly enjoyable to me.

This beginning part was my fav' though.

Mark was a strange youth, socially awkward
A comic book recluse with horrible posture
At home within fiction - traversing a mind
Lost in the caverns amiss of sunshine
Two laces short of a set
A pair of Jordans where Jumpman’s facing the left

Buddha:

Celestial seems to be a word you like to use a lot.

Somatizing my psychological struggles with carpal tunnel

17 syllables, the first 3 words alone are what most bars usually are. I know that's the way you write, but that's one of my biggest issues with that. It's great if I'm reading it just to read it, but I can't rap this shit.

somaticizing** ??

Am I really flesh or am I something else. Is this just a silly test?
Physical therapists couldn’t heal my legs. Everyday walking a little less.
Being alive just to count the days toward a meaningless death. Sickly quest.
The windy city has left Cred, deadman, and I with chilly necks,
Cynical Illinois men due to not seeing sunshine for months on end.
I’m sun obsessed. I love watching my girlfriend dance around in her summer dress.

Probably my favorite part. Regardless of the syllable counts, the internals kept it reading smoothly. Also, I'm a little upset I wasn't mentioned in there. Racist.

It’s magical how I could wake up and do things.
Create the future, with movements based on fate or illusion.
Contemplating the blueprint, yet unlocking my DNA seems fruitless.
Insatiate by the rubric, I’m debating my ruin, deciding whether to begin embracing the crooked.
Meditating on the nature of hubris. Virtue isn’t a sacred absolution.
Look at me. An animal that never became tamed from evolution.

Another part I liked. The word crooked kind of threw my rhyming off though.


All in all, pretty cool battle. I read the first verse and kinda figured my vote would go for that verse. Turns out, I ended up liking GC's verse more. Usually I don't dig his style too much, but this time, he didn't go full Buddha, so that was kinda' cool. I kinda' liked the Adonis/Zee's story more, but I just liked more bars out of Buddha's verse. I'm gonna have to give it to him, even though I feel like Adonis/Zee were more spot on with their topic than he was, I just liked more shit out of it.

vBuddha