Week 4: Symetrik & Vividly Vague vs. Razah & Just Write (RAZAH & JUST WRITE WIN 5-1)

[asylum]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png

Season 6

Verses are due SATURDAY 3/26 11:59 PST

Voting ends MONDAY 3/28 11:59 PST

RULE
Pick a story lead from the thread and include the number of the story lead along with your verse.

VERSES MAY NOT EXCEED 64 Lines

Voting on four battles is required. If you win and don't vote the requirement you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote the requirement, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your four votes in the voting thread.

Story Leads: http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?p=574811#post574811

Good luck to our participants. symetrik & Vividlyvague vs. Razah & Just Write

[asylum]

VividlySymetrik- Pro Bono

The detective saw his opportunity.
He grabbed the waitress’s arm and said, "If you cooperate, there's immunity...

Do this for your little boy! No... do this for the community.

Hell, you may get the key to city, but that stuff's between you and me..."



He was fluent in her own tongue,
and readjusted sheets where he was sitting in a way she loved.
She nodded once. He knew that she'd be down because she knew that he was safe to trust.
"How much can you tell me?" he inquired while she shrugged, "Enough".


She put down the apron and took fifteen minutes.
Leading him through the exit, she said, "He tried to take me with him..."
Gripping his hand, she turned in worry, "He kidnapped the other women!"

The gumshoe held the distraught damsel, feeling her heart's quick rhythm.



"Listen"... she did. Silence calmed the nerves that she'd been having every time night begins.
"I hate to have this secret. It fucking hurts to hold it in."
He nodded reassuringly. "You're not to blame for monsters and their carnal sins"
"And sometimes... you need to do what feels right. Even IF it's the hardest thing"


She paused. "OK. I'll take you where he took them..." He was more than ready.

The suspense was four tons heavy. She opened the lair's gate, "This is his torture shed he

uses... I think." The rustic dungeon was a littered fetish heap, "Leather and pvc?!"

"The girls might be here... lets check inside..." she said, locking the door sneakily.



The door hinge seemed to be frequently used. well oiled or lubed.
Place seemed... homely. -"Disgusting"-, he thought, -"but nonetheless true."-
"I guess you assumed the place would be filthy..., sheets crumpled in corners or soiled in food..."
He nodded, distracted. "This looks nothing like I'd expected. Look! Flowers in vases! now what kind of dude..."


It all went black. The detective awoke strapped to a Victorian-age torture rack.

"What...? Who... who are you?" He said, frightened. His manly demeanor cracked.

"There is no dude... and there are no girls. If I were you I'd sit tight and relax."

She was clad in dominatrix garb. Her presence was intimidating, with sexuality intact.



In fact, that little voice in the back of the dick's head said -"Maaan... let's see where she takes this,"-
Scared? Yeah, AND fully aware that the complex was vacant.
No chance of shouting for help or wasting his breath, so he saved it.
She took up a gag ball, laughed small and attached it. "Let's start with something basic."


The boy in blue was pale with excitement and terror... down to boxer briefs and a hard-on.

The flogger came out with the prod. Her body swayed with an ass he could shuffle cards on.

The muffled man squirmed as the flogger slammed firm. The sting was snubbed by the prod wand.

"Stay with me, Detective. We're live and I want you alive for your sexual swan song."



It's not wrong to enjoy this, right? Legs weak, but boy did this girl get him to stand up...
Her fingers traced red marks, his fingers traced the betrayal of his own damn handcuffs.
He flexed. Tried to find a little weakness or at least try to act tough.
She raised a whip and he flinched. His body gave away his last bluff.


The demented waitress detached the gag. "I've broken you again..."

"Honestly, I was hoping you would win." He said, as she was holding up his chin.

"The key to my city better not be as soft as this..." She said, admiring his pitching a tent.

"There's a pair of handcuffs with your name on them if you're intending to switch..."


She nodded quick and gave the key for the cuffs while she undid his legs' lone chain,
"I'm..." but she slapped him. "Fuck that. No names."
He nodded and stretched his neck. Pinned her hands back, then his phone rang.
"Mother-FUCK.. UGH. Work..." he picked up and mouthed "Same time next week, babe?"

[asylum]

Razah & Just Write

The doctor put his hand on her arm and said gently,
“You or the baby will survive. Not both. I’m sorry.”


She paused for a moment, didn't know how to act
As tears formed in her eyes, she was holding them back
Broken she laughed, thinking "why is this happening to me?"
Collected herself then let out a sigh of relief....
She thought at least her child could grow in this world
Though she still didn't know if it was a boy or a girl
She had decided surprises were more of her thing
And wanted to try to avoid, anymore suffering...
I mean she knew what was right, and had to be done
So she grabbed at the doctor and ask him to come
"Can you please give me a pen and I need some paper"
She wanted to write to her kid, so they could read it later
She couldn't find the words for what seemed like ages
Then tears dripped down her face & seeped through the pages
She wrote "My dearest angel, know that I love you
There will always be someone watching down from above you
Although I'm not around, know that I cared
Let these words carry on, as hope through despair
I just wish I could prepare you for the battles you'll face
Take your time when you decide how to tackle each day
Keep your soul pure, don't get lost in the strife
With a spirit as bright as the sun you'll never be far from the sky
Meaning we're closer than ever, don't live life being heartless
Be the best that you can be, bring your light to the darkness
You'll have what you need, don't ever covet your peers
Always gather your strength 'til you're overcoming your fears
Not getting what you want will make you want to live unruly
Just know all the ugly in life has a glimpse of beauty
I hope you have what it takes to live a life that is sick"
... The more she thought about it, everything finally clicked
"Where do i begin?" she thought, feeling like she'd never just win
How could she bring a life so pure into this world full of sin
She said "Doctor, forgive me"- He looked back, shocked & surprised
Though she felt like a coward, she mumbled, "It's me who wants to survive"
And in a blink of an eye her decision was made
There was no funeral, no Chapel, no linens or grave.
A simple mistake, or the best decision for both
For the rest of her life she knows she'll have to live with a ghost

[Adonis]

I'm going to ramble this vote out because it's pretty close in my eyes so I'm basically deciding as I got. I liked the story of vivid and sum, I mean it was entertaining and fast paced. It was a bit sadistic, but I see that as a good thing. There was a string of lines almost directly in the middle that had that perfect example of how to execute rhymes in natural speech. Solid read, but I did not enjoy the ending. It felt flat as fuck man honestly. Yu built this entire thing up for nothing it seemed. I get the angle, just didn't like it. Meanwhile Raz went straight heart felt and delivered, though I thought the flow was a much simpler in spots than usual. Was not a big fan of the beginning, but much like shock value, you lured me in speaking from the heart and soul of a young lady. I liked the ending, but in all, the verse really wasn't up to your standard. This is why the vote is tough. You each did things very well, then dropped the ball in other areas. I liked the execution and entertainment of vivd/sym but, if I can be honest, hated the ending. I loved the emotion of Rajah, the entire vibe he brought was actually touching up to a certain point which is damn hard to do, but the verse simply missed in spurts. In the end, the one I felt was most entertaining gets my vote cause I got noting else to judge off of.


v/ Razah

Though I felt like his verse lacked the rush viv/sym provided, I felt the raw emotion ran conveyed was just enough to garner my vote in this splitting of hairs. two solid reads in all honesty.

[Mr. J]

First verse, I thought the idea presented was pretty cool
but after reading some of the dialogue, you gotta be kidding me *dude*
the twist you presented halfway through was unexpected
some of the language used isnt what I would expect from a detective
I dont understand how this took place in between her 15 minutes
by the end I questioned why it all went black if he cooperated with it.
who was this *dude* & why was the detective wanting to meet him
there are so many holes in the plot I can no longer believe it...
the rhyming was cool at certain points but there was too much going on
nice attempt at a weird storyline though, it was....idk...odd

Razah, your story felt more grounded in reality
I cannot tell what kind of demons she is battling...
but the emotion she expresses feels....real
what happened in her world to cause this ill will?
what is going on to make her not want to give birth?
to be honest I got lost when the letter written didnt work
was she thinking the whole time? & just didnt write?
this may have been harder for you due to an increase in your limited lines
I know you like to write shorter verses & this was unlike you
but I applaud your efforts regardless because you tried dude...

v/Razah, both verses suffered from a loss of focus I thought
Vivsym had a cool idea but by the end the plot was broke apart
I didn't understand the detectives initial motive nor the waitress's
who was the *dude* & why was the detective searching for male dominatrix's?
only to be knocked out by the woman & then leave like its all good?
that was weird...Razah had a letter that didn't have much outlook...
I didnt understand why she thought this world of hers was so cruel...
my interpretation is she was raped? but that didnt make sense with the letter being so hopeful...
not the best showing this week but I saw less mistake in Razahs verse
his story seemed to be more polished with a continuous concept that made it work
nice battle?


v/Razah

[asylum]

Vividlysymetrik – this was dope! Haha. Cool story, I enjoyed the entire piece. You guys did a wonderful job of adhering to the same voice throughout your entire piece and for this I commend you. I’m truly grateful you guys took this seriously and hope you work together in the future. Anyway, I enjoyed this piece in it’s entirety. I was really taken in , in the beginning , I thought some weirder shit was actually going on than what was, so.. well that’s an honest twist I really like. As far as expectations go, I’m really proud of you guys. Thank you.

Razah & Just Write – let me just start by saying I’m kind of fucking excited to see your guys styles paired, before I even read the verse. Wow I began completely knowing your topic but I was completely lost in the words of this story. The letter to the daughter thing was.. so great. Really wow. This is some amazing work you two. Great work here, I was definitely enveloped in your storyline and it’s execution. You’re pairing was a true blessing and I appreciate your guys’ effort. Thanks again.

Mvgt Just Write & Razah, and that’s by a very slim margin. I think this may have had some to do with volume of content, I’m going with the heavier drop here. I really did love Vividlysymetrik’s piece, it was pretty fresh and great work. Honestly, I wouldn’t feel bad about losing to this piece. Nobody would.

[Artifice]

Vivid & symetrik

A fun (though somewhat twisted) read. Interesting approach to the narrative, though i found the style made the flow more difficult for me to really catch, found myself re-reading a couple lines to make sure I got the rhyme right. Liked the twist you threw in, definitely takes a left turn, and it's not just an abrupt turn that sits nowhere, it continues to develop, leaving it more fully fleshed out. One of the more unique pieces I remember reading tbh, though I can't say I loved it.

Just Write and Razah

While not a subject new to topicals, I thought you both did a good job of setting up the scenario and then breaking it apart, I felt that although the change in decision happened quickly, it felt organic, like someone would actually have that 'snap' change of mind in that moment. Also thought that your styles really matched up, found the whole verse flowed smoothly.

You'll have what you need, don't ever covet your peers
Always gather your strength 'til you're overcoming your fears
Not getting what you want will make you want to live unruly
Just know all the ugly in life has a glimpse of beauty

that quartet there stood out to me, really felt like something a parent would try to pen to a future child.


Overall, both were cool reads, but I gotta give the edge to Just & Raz for a verse that felt a little more solid, all things considered.

v/ Just Write & Razah

[UnbornBuddha]

Vivid/ symetrik: This was written well to a point. There were some sketchy rhymes where the rhyme didn't end the though, which is fine, but it was done sloppily at times, disturbing the cadence. I will say though that the beginning was good, it was very climatic, but then well it just turned too weird for me. Not much to say really, I think this could have won if you continued more on the dark True detective kind of mystery. The story became more like a gag, but it still had this seriousness to it that the humor didn't really shine either.

Razah/ Justwrite: Very good collab, I can't tell who wrote what. Some of the writing turn stale because the same things were being said, but in a different way. What really brought this piece into the light was the ending. The direction this took was haunting because such decisions are so emotional. And the direction of her deciding to save herself based on her rationale of the world being a crooked devious place was well done.

Vote: Razah/ Justwrite

[Frank]

Symmetric/Vividly Vague...

Seamless fusion worth decoding. A real challenge to decipher who was who. Almost identical. The structure of the verse looked as if it was still in its developmental stages and could've benefited from going back to the drawing board. Be interested in knowing what the thought process was: how many lines were each writer permitted? If there was any order involved. Aside from the undistinguishable, I found the actual verse rather unison in its perverted, sadistic nature. Heavy on quotations and dialogue, a Vividly Vague hallmark. Symmetric held his own, even perhaps outwriting Vividly Vague in his own style. Two writers meshed. Last line really irked me cause it didn't rhyme, felt poorly executed after such a deliberate rhyming, but after some contemplating I can appreciate the off beat edge it gave your piece. Reminded me of a Snuff Film.

Razah/Just Write...

Simplified sap. I really liked the tone as the piece reached its climax. Uplifting message. From a a purely technical stand point, it was not exciting enough for me. Decent story telling though, I can tell by the moving and inspirational agenda that Just Write wrote the better part of the latter half. The verse is deeply rooted in sentimental value and capitalized greatly in that regard. However, this type of verse has been done to death. Solid depiction, nonetheless.

MVGT Sym/Viv