Week 5: Frank vs. Razah (FRANK WINS SHUTOUT 7-0)

[asylum]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png

Season 6

Verses are due SUNDAY 4/3 11:59 PST

Voting ends TUESDAY 4/5 11:59 PST

Verses May Not Exceed 48 Lines

Voting on four battles is required. If you win and don't vote the requirement you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote the requirement, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your four votes in the voting thread.

Topic:

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Good luck to both participants. Frank (4-0) Razah (3-1)

[Razah]

"Who's a good boy!?"

If I barked you barked, you would mimic me back
A tear to my eye reminiscing how your tail vividly wagged
I heard every pet owned eventually mirrors the man
But as brave as you were I know now that isn't a fact
The bond that we built was amazingly real
I buried friends that never led to the pain that I feel
A belly rub brought hope figured it's a part of your coat
I was your teacher at times but you taught me the most
Your sense of smell saved lives still you tinkled on ya toes
You simply did your job yet I enjoyed every wrinkle on your nose
Did you know the difference you made, maybe deep in your core
Or did you keep that soul of a puppy & knew a treat was in store
If it wasn't for you, the evils we face would set the city ablaze
A thought on my mind replaced by the joy shown on your silliest face
I could never forget, that's an image I will hold 'til the end
You were a hero to thousands & more & my only best friend

"C'mere boy, you're a good boy!!"

[Frank]

A lone Traveler plants a device underneath a passenger's seat, attaching it with a magnetic, hazardous gleam
Another traveler peaks under the passenger's seat with a gravity lean
Panicking - he notices a mechanical gadget, it seems, latched to the seat: with red numbers back tracking in a fraction of speed
Frantically receding
The Traveler passively leaves, as the Passenger freezes in the heat of the moment, preaching atonement, too frazzled to flee
The baggage claim attendant stops the conveyor belt, from sending the suspicious package, around the ramp, with a rampant mystique
The bag is rapidly retrieved, the crowd is backing away, back into the disastrous scene, blasphemously gasping, the shrieks
The Labrador and his Handler canvass and seek, bushy tail wagging adamantly
Sanjeer pulls on the fastened leash with a passionate stamina; she is a challenge, such a strapping physique
Ravenous teeth, ears capable of radar capturing peaks, nose scanning and screens each bag. Animal breathing.
Inhaling deeply, heavy vest over her abdomen; keeping her vital organs intact in case of an attack
Another passenger reading a magazine, unaware, of the bomb strapped into the seat in front of them under the safety pamphlets to read
The Labrador inspects each bag she sees gallantly with glee, as the handler gives commandments and treats
Suddenly alerted, she is clumsily diverted. Scratching with her paw, the Labrador acts as if she has received a damaging piece of information from an aromatic breeze of ammunition that rancidly reeks
The handler obtained the labrador when she was just a matter of weeks, training her with different tasks and techniques
Practicing each real life scenario until she adapted to what would happen, so tragically
Brackish debris engulfs the first floor in the massive blast; masking the balconies and banister in fabricated sheath
Matting her fur, callusing her feet, as passengers trampled from their traveling seats maniacally freaked
Stifling smoke stagnantly sweeps around to the sound of fires crackling seethe
A gamut of debris, teeth chattering impact staggering knees, shattering balance with ease
After the sequence of explosions gradually cease, the smoke clears to a catastrophe
Fragments of people scatter the street, savagely: sad to see like a damaging dream
The planet weeps over the lives lost with fanatical grief, that lasts for a week, before vanishing
Detached from the leash, the golden Labradors talented deeds earn her accolades of the most valiant degree of any unanimous breed
Glad to be alive after the explosion, Sanjeer would go on to combatively breach thousands of bombs, miraculously
One of the happiest sights you can see in the world is a lost dog reunited with his Master, after a siege
Half the police stood in attendance, as Sanjeer rest inside her casket in peace
Ravaged from disease, patting her to sleep, the last of the elite, gaskets blasted, relieving her of her active regime
The Handler wipes away tears on the country's flag on his sleeve, his companion beneath an elaborate wreathe
Winning the war on Terrorism, while losing her battle to cancer:

Deceased
http://static.boredpanda.com/blog/wp-content/uuuploads/powerful-photos/powerful-photos-31.jpg

[Mr. J]

Razah, I really enjoyed your short but sweet approach
it really helps you capitalize on the use of your smooth flow
you capture some interesting moments between 2 friends
I enjoyed the beginning due to how you painted influence
I bark/you bark that whole feeling of the connection is key
if you didnt follow Pinots formula this would be perfection to me
the whole vibe just sets the tone & buries you in emotion.
although I could do without the belly rubs & crinkled noses.
either way your laziness still holds its own against seasoned writers
if you wrote longer than 10 lines Im sure you'd still bring that fire.

Frank, as the season progresses you seem to get more focused
your attachment to the same rhyme scheme is one of the dopest
its rare to see anyone execute at you caliber of rhyme after rhyme
I will admit in the beginning I was annoyed by the passenger lines
but I know its not easy giving names to people who dont push the plot
after getting deeper into your story I eventually shook it off.
the way you strategically place each word puts you on a higher echelon
although a few missteps often keep you from exquisite perfection dawg
either way your story seems well developed & brings impressive quality
as soon as everyone gets over your line length I believe youll have a cult following..
nice work.

v/Frank, with his consistent scheme & intricate prose its obvious
Razah wrote a nice short story, but Frank brought story godliness
the fact Frank touched on so much with such a tragic theme is sick
Razah built a connection & thats where most tragedy lives....
problem is Frank out wrote him with a stronger verse & snatched the win.
nice battle fellas...Frank...Ill see you again

[2tripple0]

After I read this battle I was happy to see you both going for your think and I don't mean to reiterate what Mr. J said but I thought both your pieces needed work with your vocalary and razah if he sticks to that set up line shit as well as more knowledge...that's what you know about how to tie ya bars intosomething you understand about the topic I'm not saying your approach wasn't produced well it just needed to not be so simple otoh frank was a bit allover the place at times and it was hard to follow along because he was looking for syllabic rhymes and at times his piece suffered as a result still I think because frank is 4-0 and deserves his shot I will give my vote to frank

[e11even]

Razah- this piece was a simple and mildly enjoyable read. I only have one complaint tho:
I buried friends that never led to the pain that I feel
I didn't really dig the wording in this line. It just stuck out to me. This was an ok effort, but clearly not your best. This ok for what it was though. Thanks for showing.

Frank- up until the end I thought Sanjeer was the handler's name. Tch. Good story. As per your usual, you managed a freakishly long end rhyme scheme. My only gripe is that this led to some weird word choices for the sake of rhyming. It was pretty obvious in points . Aside from that, this was a solid story with great rhyming and an interesting ending. Good job.

MVGT Frank for the more thoroughly fleshed out passage.

[Just Write]

Short bar vs. Extremely unconceivably unbelievably long bar

Razah, I'm not usually one to like the whole short bar style but you might be the exception, you fit so much into so little. Its pretty amazing and I definitely give you props for that. It's something I cannot do, I don't know why but I feel like I need a little bit more to be able to say what I feel. As far as this piece is concerned I enjoyed it and the whole approach you took. If you were going against anyone else this might be a sure win but going against a spitfire like frank, the shorter bar, minimum line verse might have hurt you here.



Franklin, you fucker..

This was some epic shit.. reminded me of zygote a bit to be honest. Your ability to keep the same scheme throughout is very impressive, my only gripe about it is the fact that sometimes your wording becomes clunky from sacrificing the flow to try to keep the scheme running. Also some of the wording sometimes seems out of place due to this. But that being said you can't deny how impressive your writing is. I didn't think I was going to like this piece when I first stared reading the first few lines but then I just got lost in it. I also though Sanjeer was the handler until the ending. Great job here friend.


Mvgt= frank

This was a great showing from both. Cheers guys, thanks for the reads

[Adonis]

Franker, first off, "rancidly reeks" comes off as a bit redundant, and I feel like you did this a lot in this particular verse in order to hit your multies. I liked the build up the most, the first scene of passengers with no names was a bit fast paced and enjoyable. The story though, left me wanting more. The strange thing is I'm not sure what else you can add. Overall, decent read that falls a bit short in terms of what I expect from you.

RA First off, let me get a couple things off my chest. "A belly rub brought hope figured it's a coat" is missing a coma of some sorts. "Amazingly real" is not natural, and though many writers can get away with this eye trick for flow, your short formatting in terms of length makes these types of things more glaring. You actually didn't use any comas I noticed, and more then once it was needed. Not sure why, given the length you were rushed, yes, even this is a short Razah verse. I do have a sore spot for true, or classical, topicals. This one in particular though seemed lacking. You through a grazing blow at creating a connection followed up by a couple jabs in terms of plot, and or ending. In the end, following a bit short on a week you could have easily won on raw flow and minor concept alone.


This battle was rather underwhelming in all honesty. You each are far better then you performed here, and yet still, would probably beat a good portion of AOWL enthusiasts still. I think you are both talented writers and hope you take this in a way of motivation, whether angered by the comments or agreeing and wanting to try harder. Either way I look forward to mopping the floor with both of you at some point this season, vote me.



Vote Frank

action packed storyline trumps a pure topical that didn't create a connection strong enough to fill the proper amount of emotion

[asylum]

mvgt Frank this week because of the volume of his verse compared to his opponents. I only had to look at them to know who won. but in all fairness, Frank's writing was better pound for pound. Verse breakdowns to be included in mag.