Week 5: Jesodist vs. Vividlyvague (VIVIDLYVAGUE WINS 4-2)

[asylum]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png

Season 6

Verses are due SUNDAY 4/3 11:59 PST

Voting ends TUESDAY 4/5 11:59 PST

Verses May Not Exceed 48 Lines

Voting on four battles is required. If you win and don't vote the requirement you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote the requirement, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your four votes in the voting thread.

Topic:

http://static.boredpanda.com/blog/wp-content/uuuploads/powerful-photos/powerful-photos-18.jpg -

Good luck to both participants. JESODIST (1-3) Vividlyvague (1-3)

[JESODIST]

The Mysterious Marchin Men

A Battle for the Ages, Commanded by Hades,
The government declare war began arming Brothers and Babies
Obscured in secrecy the Truth is Vital,
After being lured the mission was Pronounced Suicidal,
Fight for the freedom' was the Lie Sold by the Sarges and Mages ,
who denounced peace and decided to Rattle the Cages,
Ignoring the well being of more than Thousands of Babies
Their dads marched like obedient Cattle being Hauled in their Cages,
They had to Do the impossible to Conquer the Intruding Rivals,
One a hand his child on the Other a green Suited Rifle,
It could be the last image of dad causing the rush in a Mother who Stifled,
An army Driven by not The Fear of defeat but by the Glory of Victory,
Feelings of death and Deep euphoria Clouded the Scenery,
The troop would either be triumphant Or be Grounded in Misery,
Anyone who was present at the moment Remembers the Scene,
It was the Biggest gathering of arsenal anyone had Ever Scene,
Several Teens wondering through the ashes and Severed Dreams,
Middle of War the Batallion deployed Atomic bombs and Nucler Warheads,
It was decided they would be sent to burn with Lucifer once they are all Dead,
The battlefield was a tomb of anarchy, a Scrambled Mess,
Soldier screaming as Bullets of maximum calibre Ripped Apart their Chest,
Waves of fire resembled the Enterance of a Dragons Nest,
Riddled with blood bones and Mangled Flesh,
All other Families were Saddened with Cries,
Under Fleets of fighter jets that Darkened the Skies,
Shattering buildings to pieces Each of the Attacks were Precise
This was the perfect time for a Tactful Advise,
For protection gainst the UnGodly Devise,
That Left behind only Famine and Demise,
Conciouse veterans knew this was not the Path of the Wise,
Those Uniforms are just a Wrath in Desguise,
The plan was to Surrender but the revolutionary ones Refused that Remedy,
So Most of the troop was slaughtered and Entombed with the Enemies,
The minds of the Children left behind were implanted with the most of Greusome Memories..

[e11even]

He helped me clasp my cardigan's deep blue buttons.
My charcoal gray slacks were always how he told me to cuff them.
He was my hero before he was one. I'd stand right next to him.
I did my collar as he did his. This was a vex to him.
"Son why aren't you sleep?" He would ask me.
"Because I wouldn't dare miss sending off my dear daddy!"
The grin on his face lit up the room for that moment.

His son would shoot straight up to the moon just to show him
How proud he was. Olive drab drenched his dad's uniform.
If only he knew to inform his son so he knew him more.
But he never really spoke. His son spent five years awaiting his return.
The boy had grown to a teen; a longing inside me deeply burned.

How does he do it? How does he leave silently? I never knew.
I just remember running after him, that morning still brand new.
That long line of lonely men. Their mums and daughers, pops and sons.
All fighting the same war, Will I live to see them, what will I become?

We all lost parts of ourselves that day. My name became a symbol.
Whitey Bernard- the white-haired sensation on posters and news ribbon.
For ages they ran campaigns to raise money with my image.
Eventually it was bigger than the war itself. The whole world saw the visage.

When Dad returned, he was even more silent still.
Was it me? I tried desperately to join the divide I feel.
I would follow him to town events and mock his mannerisms.
Watch him fight introversion to greet those that paid troops a visit.
He was a gentle giant of a dwarf conversation...
It was like screaming, "Wait for me, daddy!" while he'd not stop or say things.
The phantasm of our household, only rousing the house in his sleep...
Nightmares of trenches, dead comrades... the plight of global police.
It's not that our lives were bad. He provided and we recieved.
I grew into a fine man by Mum's account, but by my dad's decree?
Maybe in my old age I reflect too much. My wife wise cracks about it.
"You'd have stress getting your dad to talk, you'd have an aneurysm without him..."
I'll never be able to help it though. I passed lessons to mine about hardships.
No matter where your troubles have been, home is where the heart is.

[Artifice]

good reads from both....

JESODIST

You've got a great vocabulary and you really know how to use descriptive language. You paint a picture with your words very well. However, I felt the flow of this piece wasn't solid. That's not to say it wasn't good overall, but there were spots where the rhymes were quite slanted and it took away from the smoothness of the read. I think with your large vocabulary, if you take time to work on your schemes and flow, you'd be serious writer to reckon with.

VividlyVague

You know how to tell a story. From beginning to end I didn't lose interest, and the pacing was just right. Your language isn't as descriptive as Jesodist's, but not everyone needs to use really descriptive language. I think your word choices are well suited to the story you're telling. I think yours is a more solid piece of writing overall.

v/ VividlyVague

[Just Write]

Another good battle this week

Jesodist, I know you think I pick on you in my feedback sometimes but that's not the case, I just call them how I see them.. as far as this piece is concerned I thoroughly enjoyed it besides some minor gripes, one being how you Capitolized random words which was odd, also some of your wording was synonymous to the actual words I think you meant, scene being one of those, I'm sure you meant seen but it still threw me off a bit, same with advise, I'm pretty sure you meant advice.. and if you did mean advise them grammatically it was wrong. Besides those small nitpick your descriptivness was beyond good, this type of dark writing I can deal with, in fact I like the edgy feeling you brought.. some great imagery as well. I feel if you just tighten up a few things you could do some serious damage in this league, props


Vividlyvague,

Sup homie, this was a dope drop as well, I can see you really fell into the character of the boy, I did however think you were all over the place in terms of one second he was a kid, the next a teenager, then back to a kid and then finally an adult, I know you returned to it as "memories" but I still feel you could have worded it better to make it not so sporadic, I do understand you said you have a lot going with the NBL and school so that might have had something to do with it, also the word viasage is mispronounced.. at least if you were trying to rhyme it with image.. come to think about it though youight be from the uk if I remember it right so that might be a factor. Either way enjoyed the read.

Ok so I totally thought coming into this battle that VV was going to take it but I found more entertainment in jesodist'jesodist's piece this week and based on that I am going to give him the nod this week

Mvgt= jesodist

[Razah]

Jesodist:

Off the jump, the 6 syllable multi into a 5 syllable multi threw the flow off for me. I’ve noticed you always throw in some idea of religion / magic / other world-ly stuff… sometimes it fits, sometimes it doesn’t. I feel like this time around it didn’t. I can bare the capitalized multi’s or whatnot, but when it’s not a multi it throws me off. It makes me go back to find the flow, and in return makes me realize that little mistake.

Feelings of death and Deep euphoria Clouded the Scenery,

I liked that line, it provided nice imagery and the contrasting feelings was a nice touch.

Waves of fire resembled the Enterance of a Dragons Nest,

Overall, a good piece. This is probably one of the most enjoyable verses that I’ve read from you. Sometimes it’s hit or miss with me, this time, I enjoyed it. Also, besides some grammar choices, spelling, etc.. this was cool. I wonder how you write though. I remember reading that you spoke a different language and English is not your first language so I’m curious if you write off the English you know, or if you have certain parts translated.. hmm

VividlyVague:

Nice story. The wording was pretty smooth & although nothing stood out to me that much the overall piece was really solid. I think I enjoyed the story the most, probably because I don’t write like that too often and appreciate it, but yeah- I liked the verse.

To me, this can go either way. There were lines that stood out to me in Jesodist’ verse, and Vivid just had a good story written well. I think Im’a have to vote for Vivid because there was too many wording choices in Jesodist’ verse that made me cringe, while Vivid had a good story & the writing of it was to my liking.

vVividlyVague

[Frank]

Jesodist...
Villainy vignette, my friend. Chilling detail as always. Prominent thought patterns. Raw, ruthless aggression without polish. A rustic wording that is not pretty, that is not perfectly structured, but is untamed and is wild. Still, always proofread. Couple misspellings, but nothing a quick spell check couldn't fix. I like how this picture allowed you to coast in your comfort zone of chaos, without apology. Don't refine your style, define it more. Tighten up the aesthetics. You capitalize your verbs to Create Emphasis. According to that formula you should ultimately be capitalizing even more words, to fully immerse yourself in the art of capitalizing letters. I get the feeling that you are more versatile then you appear. Your subject matter is always dark and druid and demonic and detrimental. Punishing polarizing paradise, though are you capable of any diversity?

Vividly Vague...
I always feel like you have such an overwhelming recollection of renown memories just brainstorming ideas for pieces, that its impossible for your actual writing process to live up to that. I feel writing is partially therapeutic for you. A lot of your inner demons surface in your wacked out world. You confessed that your mind isn't in the game right now, your heart is always in it though. Lots of authors speed write like you, assuring all their thoughts are out before strategically editing. Your drafts, the majority of the time are written with this free writing element, without the know how to finely tune what is truly trying to be expressed in the editing pprocess. Pretending to be a child is probably appropriate for you being a father with kids and being used to talking childish in conversations with them. It explains a lot about your playful approach to writing.

MVGT Jesodist

One of the rougher reads I can remember. Similar writers in that sense. Prefered Jesodist content. Vividly Vagues adaptation had potential, but it never was realized. Jesodist capitalized.

[Adonis]

Jes - You're opening bar is most likely the most important one, and I'm not sure yours is a proper sentence. "The government declare war began arming Brothers and Babies". I think you're going for "A nation that declared war began arming brothers and babies". You then had cages as an end rhyme just a few lines apart. "One a hand his child on the Other a green Suited Rifle," WTF is this man? Beginning to get upset that I'm reading right now. A lot of carless errors that a quick proof read could cure. "An army Driven by not The Fear of defeat but by the Glory of Victory, " This was dope though, the next couple lines in fact. Flashes of solid writing, the talent is there if you can clean shit up some.


Vag - <---Best abbreviated name ever, and this is the one I'll be using from now on. Pronounced like VaaJJ, like Vagina. I'm stoned, sorry. Vote Vivid with the opening bar, I'll read on, but damn you got a way with first person stories. Asleep*, "Son, why aren't *asleep". I didn't like the change from narrating the boy's whirlwind of emotion to all the sudden it's "me" instead of "He". Solid ending, but somewhere in the middle I began fading in terms of being captivated by the story. Execution on plot was there, but that change up from narrating to first person sort of disinterested me if I can be honest. was still a solid read though, had it's high moments which over shadowed the rest.


Voting Vag

better overall execution

[asylum]

MVGT VV this week because his piece flowed much smoother then his opponents, primarily. Verse breakdowns to be included in mag.