Week 6: Symetrik vs. Just Write (JUST WRITE WINS SHUTOUT 7-0)

[asylum]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png

Season 6

Verses are due SUNDAY 4/10 11:59 PST

Voting ends TUESDAY 4/12 11:59 PST

Verses May Not Exceed 48 Lines

Voting on four battles is required. If you win and don't vote the requirement you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote the requirement, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your four votes in the voting thread.

Topic:
“Carpe diem. Seize the day, boys. Make your lives extraordinary.”


Good luck to both participants.
symetrik (2-1) Just Write (5-0)

[Just Write]

“Carpe diem. Seize the day, boys. Make your lives extraordinary.”

"what do you want to be when you grow up Tommy?" Said his teacher
"... I'd like to be an astronaut" He replied, with a shy inept demeanor
The class just laughed, his teacher said "no, think more within your reach"
Quickly he sat back down, hung his head, then sunk into his seat.

You see, Tommy was scrawny and also not so coordinated
And his family was poor, so the clothes he often wore were torn & faded
Ignored by his classmates, he lacked to find his nack or placement
Which in turn led Tommy to believe he could never achieve greatness.
But deep down Tommy was strong, and knew he wanted something more,
He'd spend hours lost in his books, huddled up on his floor.
While most teens were busy dating, and at most, had average dreams
Tommy would day dream about exploration, and how he'd travel the galaxies
Such an active imagination,.... for some of us at least
But being lost in those stories was really the only time he felt at peace.
After high school Tommy moved out, and decided not to go to college
He thought he'd never be anything , so why the need for all that knowledge?
He acknowledged being average, and earning minimum wage
Plus the weed & binge drinking helped him get through each day
He still had his imagination, though usually acted out through games
Immersed in different words where he would sit for hours and play
Such a shame, but thats the devour that's faced by our youth today
Too hooked on material things to care about something as crucial as grades
But one day a book caught his eye while he was in line at the store
Or maybe it was the title saying "Do you realize you can be more?"
He flipped through the pages, engaged by such encouraging words
Something unfortunately this poor boy never had heard.
He put down his games and decided to buy the book instead
Little did he know that this would be the very first steps
With his head in this book, his eyes opened like never before
This was the first time Tommy had ever been given support..
He wanted to develop into more than just an average guy
And he knew the only way he'd know is if he actually tried
...after time Tommy grew older and his old imagination died
Now all that remained in him was this insatiable drive
He decided to dedicate his life to making his dreams a reality
Thanks to the book that saved him from being just another common casualty

[symetrik]

I keep calm by watching the jagged hills in green fields.
To her, the thunder I thrust into her chest almost seems real.
I am, giver of the saline drip to drum up a clean bill.
Yet she nods her head to morphine like she's never heard of free will.

it means nil. she's a dumb dummy. a drug junky.
I'd rather hop the fence at petting zoos and hug bunnies.
and I'll admit, I've been jaded on the daily.
I'm pissed that I can't smack sense… I hate it, frankly.

sick of saving her damn life, giving her pills to fade pain.
crazy that I have to beg my baby not to screw her life up before it takes shape.
I don't use brakes or pray on the ride back.
cuz if I stopped long enough to care on our way there, I might snap.

she's like "dad? I called…", and yeah… I'm damn proud,
only act mad when I look back and can tell that she's blacked out.
crackle on the mic, and I'm told that I am "off route."
like "no shit houston, it's my daughter in the bed... now back down."

[2tripple0]

Wow this was not close at all.....symetrik just really didn't put as much effort in as his opponent and really after last week when u shut me out on votes with a verse very similar to this one and although people thought last week was one of my weaker verses I still am confused how people ultimately voted against me....me personally I think you need a lot of work... Ya rhymes were less than favorable and I think u need work on following along to your topic.... OTOH just write came with a verse about a guy named Tommy who is a literary addict whose always got his nose in a book...not the most picturesque of a verse but it still was enough to gratfiy himself with my vote....so yeah....


Vote: just write

[Adverse]

Sym, I liked your concept and all but it just feels rushed. I'd like to see how it would have developed if you sat, thought about it, and gave it some room to grow, just from that small taste I can tell that you're a good writer, hopefully next week is kinder to your schedule and we get to read something a little bit longer!

JW, really liked the story, man. I found common ground with your main character, Tommy as I think a lot of younger people these days would. And with relating to the concept I was better equipped to insert myself right into your story, it was great. I really liked how your bars connected and your narrative skills, great job over all.

Vote-Just Write, for obvious reasons.

[Adonis]

Write - "he lacked to find his nack or placement" I did't like this line, it reads weird. This was a strange story for me, I applaud you for writing it. I'll try to explain, if this were a movie it would be boring as shit right? I mean not much happened here, just a dumb kid who read books and didn't do shit really, then saw the light and bang. I hope you aren't taking any of this wrong so far.... In any case, I commend you for writing with a simple approach, no fireworks or clumsy surprise ending, just a story about a life. You pretty much striped a verse down and allowed your mechanics to take front and center. Other then the line I quoted, your mechanics were on point all across the board. This was a well written story, thank you.


sym - You had flashes of some really good writing patterns mixed in with some jumbled mechanics in a short verse that didn't quite materialize well enough. "I am, giver of the saline drip to drum up a clean bill. Yet she nods her head to morphine like she's never heard of free will." This is an example of one of your better lines. You did a lot of story telling in a small space while giving the read some life as far as physical action. The finish to the story missed slightly in my eyes because I don't think you built the characters enough, basically, the story was a bit short, felt incomplete, like it was missing massive interior and plot lines. I also didn't like the bar that ended in "frankly" the second line didn't feel natural grammatically, and I just felt like if you spent a little extra time on that bar in particular, you could have found a better fitting rhyme pattern while keeping the same content.



v/ Just write

better verse overall

[asylum]

MVGT : Just Write took this on volume alone. Comparatively, Symetrik would have taken this had he matched JW in line count. Breakdowns in mag.

[Artifice]

Just Write's verse is definitely more flushed out and comprehensive, and it's a really cool take on the subject. Sym's is also a really interesting take, though it felt like it just ended and wasn't really as polished as his piece from last week. Wondering if you just wanted to make sure you showed, totally understandable and appreciated by everyone if so.

I am, giver of the saline drip to drum up a clean bill.
Yet she nods her head to morphine like she's never heard of free will.

sick of saving her damn life, giving her pills to fade pain.
crazy that I have to beg my baby not to screw her life up before it takes shape.

I thought those two spots were really cool, especially the 2nd line in each couplet. Had your verse been closer to the same length, and as fully developed, it would have been much closer to call. Some cool stuff here, but Just's piece was overall better.

v/ Just Write

[timeless]

Jdubs, my favorite verse of the week so far. I'm sure anyone that reads this can relate to an extent. I know damn well I could've been a 10x better student even if i didnt have a solid foundation for dreams to achieve. Parents could read this to their kids instead of reading the Bible and I guarantee those kids would turn into solid, respectable human beings as they grow older. Lol. Other than a couple spots of filler, this was dope man, best spot i ve seen from you all season.

Sym, I think I'm missing something here. I've read it a couple times now and I still don't get it. If I am, my apologies. However, the dumb dummy hug bunnies line was garbage. Something 2trip would've wrote before Frank and J started ghostwriting for him. The first stanza was fucking dope, I wish you didn't stray from that mindset you had at the time.

V. JW

[breathless]

My phone died while I was midway through this... So, short and sweet

JW - cadence was too perfect for the first half and came off repetive, almost singsongy, like a limerick that went on too long without a change. That was my only complaint, oh, and devour, like, wtf, devour?

Sym - as I was reading I highlted and copied the second and third quatrain not realizing it was half of the piece lol. It had a nice early 2000s Slug/Atmosphere vibe that I was really digging, nice twist with the girl being his daughter. If you would've wrote more I would've voted for you almost surely

Vote - jw