Week 6: Breathless vs. ZeeDee (BREATHLESS WINS 4-3)

[asylum]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png

Season 6

Verses are due SUNDAY 4/10 11:59 PST

Voting ends TUESDAY 4/12 11:59 PST

Verses May Not Exceed 48 Lines

Voting on four battles is required. If you win and don't vote the requirement you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote the requirement, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your four votes in the voting thread.

Topic:
"A liar will not be believed even when he speaks the truth."


Good luck to both participants.
breathless (1-2) ZeeDee (1-1)

[breathless]

I let the truth speak solemnly from loose leaf prophesies,
so don't confuse grief when you know who leaves, honestly.
I knew these would posthumously lead followers to believe
that the drama between the new age and non modern is not needed.
Who's sayin that God wants us to stop thinkin is stupid,
it's just a ruse makin it's rounds constantly, somehow I grew out of it.
It's like, I've found the fountain of youth, or I could move mountains,
but I don't wanna alter the view just to disprove doubters.
I'm deep, down in the groove with a smooth conscience.
Consciously aware that where I'm goin there's no use for logic.
No one will choose to solve problems if the solution will bruise
the soft spot on their ego. This populace people call
the human race needs to fall, we're a monument to evil.
Let all of our monoliths with steeples teeter and topple over,
realize your tithings pay Paul and Peter, not Jehovah.
Do you even want some closure? What about a little bit
of lost composure, right at the moment
you thought that this all would go where you wanted it.
It's no fair to hominids, I don't care for ominous
threats, even more so than cold stares from the opposite
sex. This is how it connects so seamlessly.
From one line to the next flow easily.
Let's go, piece by piece through
the deepest regions of my innermost demons and beliefs.
Hell froze over some time between me bein a peaceful fetus
and what leads to these thoughts comin from the mind of an evil genius.
Intertwined in so tight of a weave, no light
can be seen through even the widest of cracks as it glows brightest.
Burning me alive inside as I wish to turn the tides of change,
but every time's the same, hurt despite the pain.
I've learned the right of way, and the right way to learn.
Yearned to fight the day, but each night takes its turn.
So whether for the worst or not, I've searched the plot I've led til now.
Perched upon alleged grounds unheard of, it's settled down,
but the blood shed from my soul bled into this persona and won't let it out.
So there's no more me left, just a whole lot I've been in doubt of.
I went around the valley where the shadows go to die,
thought I was dead, but sadly, I managed to survive.
It didn't turn out as badly as I imagined it, but why?
Could the road I've been happily travelin down lead to the passage of time?
Once the planets align in nine shining examples
the advantage is mine, but I'm find the candle's light not half as bright
as shadows that blind with the hind sight of past truth.
I've had to fight passed the brambles and briar bushes,
always tryin to keep it factual just like any good liar would've.
The fires I've put out are all deep down inside of me.
Undeniably, it's a cheap kind of route to lead. How can these,
moments of solace so slowly slip by
while I don't even know where I'm goin,
but I know when I go there that I'm goin to die.

[ZeeDee]

The public policy of love for honesty isn't respected
Severely getting neglected as lies increase risks of rejection
Within this perception, a liar might give their reflection
In the direction of truth, but still lose because the list of their messes

Chris has a mistress that he loves much more than his wife
Began with a friendship that blossomed to more they explored through the nights
In her whorish delights, Dorothy licks the shaft with wet force, giving bites
Nibbling with sucks, he's beginning to thrust, they both soar through the skies
Massaging him smoothly while dropping her booty so he could barely see it
Dorothy's chest breathes with great depth, sucking his cherished penis
Holding him close, exploding in moans as she puts him inside it
Gushing and riding, but looks at the time and he's pushed into lieing
Neither his wife nor Dorothy know, he has stories for both
He sets his other phone to call him and he acts out horrible shows
Pretending it's urgent, not missing his curtain, with facial expressions intact
Flipping her over, kissing, he holds her as she lays and rests on her back
Letting each splash make his release the best of his life
For those few second, he's completely forgetting his wife
Then quickly he's dressed, of course she's upset, but understanding dilemmas
Chris is a fire fighter so all his lies come like her panting with shivers
Pretending he's injured, Chris grabs his back, seeming like he's planning to kiss her
To escape without lipstick or makeup evidence at his family's dinner
His stamina's withered, telling his wife, Jackie, he's too tired for sex
From fires and threats he's responded to, adding more lies to his debt
Faking dire regrets as if he wishes that he could supply her in bed
While thinking of Dorothy screaming and forcing through her thighs in a dress
Jackie is great and that's the debate, losing her's out of the question
Her passion is bland so the traveling man makes his stops through town for refreshments
Now Jackie has his attention fully as she puts it in gear
Taking pole dancing classes, she does the splits and Chris just looks at her rear
She lays him in bed, shaking in red heels to the music of rock
His mouth's drooling nonstop, no Viagra needed, his tool is in shock
Using her butt as a paintbrush and her chest as a sander
With him in between the two, his other head has the answers
The cowboy's reversed, allowing their thirsts to reach the highest imagined
Bouncing that tail, she turns around and inhales, giving him eyes of a dragon
They cuddle in sheets, running their feet together, youthfully playful
Viewing a halo over her head, turning into an angel
He tells Dorothy the truth for the first time, she can't believe what he's saying
They keep on debating, he can't see her, but she's making crazy winks, her heart's breaking
Thinking she's made him fall out of love and start to cheat with replacements
So she goes to his car, breaks the windshield and scratches her keys in this statement
"You leaving erases all the love I had left in my heart
You're a cheating basturd Chris so I'll unload my stress on your car"

[Mr. J]

breathless, I see what you are getting at with the start of the piece
I think the scheme style will be frowned upon (Its something most dont want to see)
which is odd to me. (more on that later) but you kept my attention
your rhyming comes rapid & it makes me enjoy the pieces smooth progression
it seems like you were truly inspired to bring a more original approach
you just let yourself write whatever came to mind & let yourself go...
its quite amazing what you came up with but it does seem like a bulky piece
there are certain points where I think a little editing could have helped the technique
after all you did have a few days to reflect on this for a bit...
but I admire what you brought to the table & I support this shit.

Zee, this is my first time reading you since youve started
& to tell you the truth this was an interesting story of the brokenhearted
my only issue is the time lapse between the man & mistress
I understand the whole idea but it felt rushed after he was being intimate
you focus more on the sexual tryst thats going on & the actions
which Im sure most of these writers would enjoy due to their lonely asses
but I cant tell whether I like this or hate it...maybe its the latter
the descriptive scenery & the build up to the end allows a moment for laughter
but a majority of it could have been cut & could have focused on the infidelity
either way I thought you build up 2 characters nicely & that welcomes a W definitely

v/this may be the tougher choices for me this evening
zee came with an interesting story for his first time competing*
breathless came with more of a freestyled verse this week
he brought a lot of truth while Zee set up a scene perfectly.
anyone can get caught up in a scene that Zee brought to the table
which makes it interesting & more than likely...more relate-able
where breathless lacked Zee picked it up and brought a compelling story
where Zee focused on one thing, breathless picked up on more for me...
I think Im going to go with breathless due to his ability to provide more
I liked both verses & Zee brought a story most of you would die for...
but I feel like breathless brought a complete package in a stream of consciousness
word up to the hip hop hippopotamus

[Adverse]

Both of you did your things first of all.
I liked breathless's verbiage and his multis, he flowed non-stop throughout his verse and kept my attention, the rhymes just kept coming and connecting together pretty flawlessly, though you didn't paint a perfectly clear picture of the topic, you did provide an entertaining read.

Zee, I liked the stage you set your story on, and how your portrayed your characters, I don't know if I really liked all the description in the sex scenes, it wasn't bad writing or anything, it just didn't seem like that should be the main focus of this topic, With that being said, I liked your story, the ending was a little bland for me, I would have preferred a murder mystery but maybe that's just too easy of an approach haha good verse.

Shiiiit, the final choice is a tough one. Like Mr. J said, I liked your story Zee, I really did I just feel like it should have had more variation and more plot points. Though breathless didn't paint the clearest of pictures, I thought his story had overall description and many different points, neither of you did bad though, Zee my only advice would be to thoroughly distribute your descriptions throughout the verse and not to focus on only one scene, keep pushing guys

Vote - breathless

[asylum]

mvgt zeedee this week because his piece hit his topic better, in my opinion. I got into his more as well, by a smidgen. breakdowns in mag.

[Just Write]

Mvgt= zeedee for a more complete piece imo, while breathless piece was good too I feel zee'zee's had less errors in the overall view of things and I felt a lot more entertained after reading his piece. I apologize for the brief vote

[breathless]

Votes
http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=123375
http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=123382
http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=123379
http://www.netcees.org/showthread.php?t=123380

[Frank]

MVGT ZeeDee

ZeeDee never fails to assimilate sexual escapades into his writings haha. Centering his raunchy approaches around the vulgar and taboo. Prolific writing, some noticeably interwoven multies throughout kept the verse erect enough to penetrate the psyche until the anticlimactic final line. You captured this moment, this fantasy, in a bubble. You are one of the most adept at depicting graphic portrayals of this nature online. Stick around. Welcome back. Breathless verse was effective as a free flowing spin on the prophecys and everything it entails. I liked and disliked the disconnected flow. On one hand, it registered as spontaneous. On the other hand, it teeter tottered on discombobulatedness. Breathless was more poignant in the last 3/4ths, some fancy movement was on display in your technique. Ultimately I just enjoyed ZeeDees wilder, much more daring approach.

[timeless]

Breath, had such a difficult time in reading this. Idk if you think you're being original with the way you structured the first half of your verse or what, but yo it just doesn't work bro. The pushover of rhyme schemes into the next line is so abusive to the smoothness you could potentially have. Other than that I thought this was fairly solid overall. I dug the fuck out of how it ended. The whole time it's like I was waiting for something to happen but nothing really did. I just pictured a kid with his hat low staring at the ground lol.

Zeedee, details galore, a smorgasbord of sexual interactions that would rise the dick of Adonis I'm sure. There was ALOT of filler and forced rhymes in this verse. Very unappealing, and honestly I think you lost my vote because of that. Your story could've been better as well, the ending did nothing for me. Work on your cadence, you're overworking everything and your piece drowns in itself.

V. Breathless

[Adonis]

Breath - I liked this verse even if it seemed more braggadocios or flex than topical. I normally hate when people break a sentence into two lines for rhymes sake, but you did it the purpose of showcasing multis, so it actually worked here for once. As for the premise, I took the verse simply as a man who is waiting to die, but has some sort of knowledge, or at least believes he knows something everyone else doesn't. I know that's vague and I'm probably missing something pretty big in there, but either way this was an enjoyable verse that flowed well and just killed in the cadence department.


Zee - This was a cool story, but in all honesty I didn't like the ending. Having Jackie write something on his car could have worked if it were more powerful, but your ending as is came off a tad cheesy. flow was on point and imagery was the star. You progressed the story extremely well and did your thing overall, creating a verse I rather enjoyed due to it's simplicity and it's carnal voyage.


This is a very tough vote, I almost feel bad for breaking the tie. You both wrote a verse you can be proud of, and you'd each likely have won against any of the other 6 verses I read or so. But in the end, Breathless left a longer lasting impression


v/ Breathless

His cadence and loose format were a tick better than a lustful story done extremely well.


breathe up 4-3