PDA

View Full Version : Week 7: Jesodist vs. Innovator (JESODIST WINS 7-3)


asylum
04-13-2016, 11:36 PM
http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png

Season 6

Verses are due SUNDAY 4/17 11:59 PST

Voting ends TUESDAY 4/19 11:59 PST

Verses May Not Exceed 48 Lines

Voting on four battles is required. If you win and don't vote the requirement you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote the requirement, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your four votes in the voting thread.

Topic: Further On Up the Road


Good luck to both participants.
JESODIST (1-5) Innovator (1-1)

Inno
04-17-2016, 11:14 PM
Swimming through the current looking for waves
To carry me to shore, but the ocean hesitates.
I've been awake for so long I forget what sleeps like
Fighting the darkness every night.
As I choke on the bitter salt of every bite
I can help but focus on the thought of no hope in sight.
In an out of my mind, I can't help but drift.
Reality becomes a blur between the each water rift.
Within the space of each pendulum it's a lifetime
And I'm forced to each memory along tides eye.

I've survived this long and each day gets longer
While giving in becomes an option fueled by hunger.
So I fight on and keep perspective at an angle
Because with each stroke I keep death at a stand still.
And though the rode I'm on isn't sure or even stable
I keep fighting through every gallon, every waves pull.
Surviving isn't certain, but hope is never concrete.

JESODIST
04-18-2016, 03:18 AM
The Imagined Future

Scripting it Clear No more thoughts of Death and Living in Fear,
Further up on the road ahead i see myself a Billionaire,
See me There resting on the Demon's Glare,
Guarding all the Children Near that be Feeling Scared,
A rap artist that is Dark like Jason Trancing Nations,
Hosting a Radio Station from the Pharoah's Basement,
Soul Displacement Raising funds for Various Patients,
The chosen hijo for Gory Chores, Punishing evil with No Remorse,
Pathological Hobit converging with Diabolical Prophets constructing Biological Rockets,
Pilot on a Cockpit commanding Rioting Puppets,
Boat captain aiming for the Deadliest Catch,
Super wrestler Caged in a Match Gated an Latch,
Like an egg Awaiting the Hatch Sailing the tides running a Hostel for Homeless,
A rapper thats Throatless Praising the highest preaching Gospel in Churches,
The Maddest of Hostess Locked in a Fortress with
Walls that Are Formless,
Neurosurgeon operating on the Brain and Spine,
Breaking bread with the being Allah in a Sacred Shrine,
Accompaniee by a Fleet of brothers getting Wasted in Wine,
Crazy and Wild, Raising a Child, Stay on the Mild,
Experimenting with multiple clones in Kryostasis Compiled,
An old man Sitting in a place that is Dark and Cold,
An art Museum displays all the Raps he Told,
Wearing a crown decorated with Glyding Orbs,
There is no telling the amount of Damage he Done,
Mentally Realighning Worlds,
Combining words that Eternally Ravage the Globe,
Build a castle then start raising a family Deep in the Mountains,
Drinking sparkling water from the Creeks and the Fountains,
Further on the future we be Writing Fables,
A teacher on a room Stamping Staples on students Work Sheet,
The Soul Weeps adventuring through these Cold Streets,
Unfold Geeks that be thinking they So Discrete,
Battle and defeat them the Whole Week,
Grading the one that is So Deep sold for prices that are So Cheap,
There is no telling what will happen when the Road Stops,
The industry is overwhelmed after we Sold Tracks,
Reaching the finish line after we Run Laps while they So Flop,
Their work didn't make the cut caz it was So Whack,
Further on the road i see myself an Outcast,
Who explodes like a Bomb Blast having all your Bones Cast,
Most of all we be Flowing Together like ninja turtles Exposing the Shredder,
There is no debate you Know that I'm Better when it comes to Composing Rhymes...

Just Write
04-18-2016, 08:24 AM
Well this wasn't very close at all



Inno, I applaud you for not no showing but this was mimimal to say the least. I know you just got back into writing so you're still finding your groove again. You had a couple little cool parts but tapered off a bit at the end. Nice showing either way, welcome back.


Jesodist.. sigh, the capitolization is really fucking irritating. We are not toddlers, we can see what rhymes and what doesn't without the use of capitolizing random words that SHOULD NOT be Capitolized and I feel it REALLY takes away from your pieces for me. Regardless of that I liked your verse besides that and it was easily enough to garner a win this week.


Mvgt = jesodist

Mr. J
04-18-2016, 11:19 AM
Innovator, I thought this was a great idea for a verse.
it works on so many levels that its almost absurd.
you have a knack for being poetic and keen on wording
I love how the water balances out the concrete observance
the joy of poetry is you get to play with a lot of metaphors
so I applaud your showing for having the better course.
its so fluid that I never felt bored & enjoyed the switch ups
I wish you added more, you certainly had the time....
but this was sick bruh...

JESO, I feel like you got off to a real cool start..
but after neurosurgeon you kind of threw me off
the sad part is I started reading this in DOOMs voice
now I consider my favorite artist to be ruined boy...
I understood what you are working with as a writer
you want to put yourself out there as a nice rhymer
which is cool & anyone could applaud the efforts.
An art museum, the mountains, fountains & other endeavors...
that just seems done for the sake of rhyming.
I mean its an interesting story about chart climbing
raw science, jaw splices on top of Gods primus
watching a logs climate but what does it mean?

v/Inno, although I felt that JESODIST had some cool ideas
I just feel that it wasnt put together well, word to IKEA
some of the concepts would have made more sense if broken apart
but I feel with the simple approach Inno has stolen my heart
the poetic vibe just works on so many levels its ridiculous
even if JESODIST came through rhyming with vigor its....
well its a easy decision on my behalf....nice battle...

Adonis
04-18-2016, 09:53 PM
VatorTime - I like what you did with the concept overall. But in general, this piece isn't all that great. Allow me to explain. For starters, opening stanza, you had 12 bars I believe, and in 5 of those lines you had typos. Not glaring or life ending typos, but it's clear you posted with out proof reading, yet here I am, having to proof read as I go in order to make sense of it all. Anyways, second stanza was far better on that front. You kept decent rhythm, but even I can see the lack of rhymes and cadence. I don't think it is necessary to rhyme, in fact, I loved your closer, which didn't rhyme. You went heavy slant rhyme, which is fine and dandy when done right. The issue with that is, when you only go slant rhyme and no traditional, it sort of elimanets the good in slant rhyme. What I mean is, there is nothing to differentiate the two, so the good on either spectrum can't be in the fore front, if that makes sense. Hope it does. What I did like about this verse is your knack for crafting a simple concept into something a bit more grand. Your wording was on point as well as "thought at play", which is the ample amount of water references and concepts that shined. All in all, I enjoyed this verse quite a bit, but I can see why many may not. You're just a bit rusty is all, I do hope you chill with the kid, I want to battle you.


Dizz - I liked what you did in the end, but felt you could have chopped this down a bit. This verse vastly easier on the eyes as far as grammar and such. I appreciated the darkness you provided along with your choice in patterning rhymes. Every few bar or so you went three rhymes in a line, not a bar, a line. I enjoyed this even if they didn't all hit the mark clean because they hit none the less. You wrote two verses in my mind. One where you explained why hip-hop is dead, the other, you showcasing you can win with just flow; you can overcome a concept verse while not just dropping a concept verse, but focusing your talents on the rhyme patterns. I enjoyed this verse greatly, but mostly the vivid and dark imagery you gifted me.



v/ Jesodist

His verse had more meat for my brains consumption.

Pharaohs Army
04-19-2016, 02:39 AM
V/JESODIST

Innovator
few months ago I saw a poem of yours about a jazz hall in the 1920's and was thoroughly wowed...
Not the case here;
I mean... this is okay... I'm not looking for okay..
Thought it ended rather weak; the last 3 lines read kind of like a hallmark card.
Hope is never concrete, but you need to sprinkle in some concrete, unless you're dropping abstract in a more poignant fashion.

JESODIST
Interesting take how you've tied this topic, sort of reflecting on an older "rhyme-monster" and his escapades, some of it in past tense.

I will advise you to be careful though; make sure you don't over-do the 'i'm great at composing rhymes' act...(i speak from experience).
When you work a topic and flesh it out beyond the I/Me point of view-- that is when you can do something special.

Some cool rhymes&phrases here, as I've come to expect. Certainly not your best shit though. But good verse and I think it won.

Regarding grammar&spelling, I am of the opinion that some of it you do intentionally for audio purposes, and some are just actual errors...
(i.m.o. u Can keep the former; improve on the latter)

Wearing a crown decorated with Glyding Orbs,
There is no telling the amount of Damage he Done,
Mentally Realighning Worlds,

I know you're rhyming that 3rd line with the 1st.
Do others know?
Is there a way to Make them know?

Should you keep it on the 2nd line, after a comma?

Wearing a crown decorated with Glyding Orbs,
There is no telling the amount of Damage he Done, mentally Realighning Worlds,

I'm not making you do anything.
I'm asking rhetorical questions to make u think.

Artifice
04-19-2016, 10:36 AM
two very different approaches here... i dug the poetic vibe innovator was going for, but i really felt like while it was a cool vibe, it didn't give me enough. While Jesodist could've cut down his verse a bit, his is more complete imo, and it has enough to take the w. If innovator had dropped something a little longer or slightly more complex, it could go the other way.

v/ Jesodist

timeless
04-19-2016, 11:43 AM
Fatt sajak, solid second stanza, much better than the rift of uncertainty you started us off with. Still not sure how you related to the topic tbh. Def could've came stronger here, seems like you rushed it..

Jesus dust, rhyming for the sake of rhyming with capitals so we don't get lost in what you are rhyming. Got you. This had 2trip written all over it. Not to say your ambition wasn't there it just wasn't achieved.

V. Innovator for more of a complete, less diluted, more enjoyable read.

breathless
04-19-2016, 03:08 PM
Innovator - proofrrad, it makes it weerd to red when shitaint spelled rite an the wrongs words get done... Great play on the topic, meta heavy in a way that most will miss out on, great piece aside from the garbled syntax

Jed - stop using capitols to express intended multis, especially when half of them aren't even actual multis. This verse was weird, it read like a dumb thug type rapper started writing a verse, snorted a small line of a limitless pill, wrote the middle, and then finished the end after he came down. It was alright though, just, so weird, and the "ogical" rhymes, quit with the suffix rhymes, they'rd corny, be creative with the rhyming or focus on the story more, you've got flashes in both pans, but there just ain't no meat sizzlin

Vote - Vator

symetrik
04-20-2016, 02:19 AM
innovator - seemed weak rhymes. pretty bland read. came of as heavily.. ocean focused? didn't seem on topic to me.

jesodist - again I hate to say, I just don't like reading your verses. you seem to run them through a rhyme generator and just piece it together.

mvgt jesodist

Frank
04-20-2016, 02:49 AM
Innovator...
Got your feet wet. Decent effort. I really liked the stable/wave pull lines. You had a vast oceanic idea, but you came through with a kiddy pool. Looking for you to make a bigger splash in the upcoming weeks.

Jesodist...
Circa 2001 message board flow... classic. Only advice is polish. Edit your pieces with a viewers/readers perspective. Work on making the final product more reader friendly.

MVGT Jesodist

asylum
04-20-2016, 03:39 AM
mvgt jesodist. he simply put forth more of an effort. the topic was so broad, volume was important with this battle. further breakdowns in mag.