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View Full Version : Week 8: Adonis vs MMLP (MMLP WINS 6-2)


asylum
04-20-2016, 06:50 PM
http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png

Season 6

Verses are due SUNDAY 4/24 11:59 PST

Voting ends TUESDAY 4/26 11:59 PST

Verses May Not Exceed 48 Lines

Voting on four battles is required. If you win and don't vote the requirement you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote the requirement, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your four votes in the voting thread.

Topic: http://i1315.photobucket.com/albums/t582/patrown/twistedbuilding_zpsxrtnbar1.jpg


Good luck to both participants.
Adonis (3-2) and MMLP (2-1)

MMLP
04-21-2016, 08:42 AM
Have you ever considered that maybe it's tangible
the biggest threat of extinction we face could be animal?
Let's say that it's factual and that evolutionary traits
have made them adaptable in numerous intuitive ways.
Their ballooning brain sizes sees their intelligence peaking
and soon were in danger of becoming a secondary species.
As they depend on our weakness to downplay they exist
- a deception misleading us that natures unfit.
We're unafraid so they drift free without questions asked
but will play on our ignorance and pounce when they can.
The downfall of man and our eventual demise
is now in their hands, or paws to get it precise.
Humans descend in the hierarchy, made to do as they say,
- the once-predators finally now doomed to be prey.
Now zoo’s have humans enslaved in the search for prominence
persecuted and caged in an ironic turn of consequence.
As a species asserts its dominance and their reign is sinking in
others lurk anonymously, just waiting in the wings.
Slavery exists as the theriomorphic's favourite past time
- while change is on the lips of a dehydrated mankind.
The human race are fast-finding how to obey our inaudible leaders
but becoming taken back by how poorly we're treated.
They walk us on leashes, if we do wrong then they beat us,
all of our creature comforts are gone, and we're now comforting creatures.
They usually instruct the cleaners with roars of displeasure
while they grunt their procedures and orders with gestures.
We're hoarded together, being prodded along by spears,
while moving forward in terror & its worse than what we feared.
Through the forest clearing, we cast eyes on a colossal construction
in what appears to be housing our anthropological cousins.
We followed in dozens, lead by our beastial overlords,
with knots in our stomachs on what it keeps in its stony walls.
They lead us in droves and hordes, closely watching our steps,
as our people approach with caution not knowing what to expect.
A simple nod of the head and then one is detained
being offered instead of me as I'm prodded away.
We watch as he's taken as a gift to the figurehead
- a wanton oblation for sacrificial considerment.
After them ripping him into shreds, I could see through the huge farce
We weren't living as prisoners, we were meat for their food farm!
They eat us with few qualms and little forgiveness
focusing on medium to large until they're filled up with victims.
What they're building's a system as they lock us away
to be killed in an instant once we reach optimum weight.
We're now livestock they've contained to feast on with relish
until they move on up the chain to the next meal that's presented.
We're merely an edible food source kept for our masters to kill
I guess if the meek don't inherit the world, the animals will...
Adonis

Adonis
04-24-2016, 10:15 PM
~The House We Built~
Some Time In The Not So Distant Future



Intelligence has always been our greatest strength by and large
But grand thoughts expand until the light is charged
And that flickering thought quickly ignites the dark
Illuminated by a less than righteous corp.
The writing was on the wall, you just had to open your eyes
The end game was always humanoid, slave in disguise
At first, they just cooked and cleaned
But soon created a carbon copy regime
Slowly replacing soul with gears - Adapting brain to chips
Forward motion veered to constraining and taming bliss
Strange exists. Winter came and contained ill wit
Droplets falling from cheeks, humanities lost it
We had it all, but sound logic quickly downgraded to caustic
Death by creative juices. Sip and be nauseous
Flesh and bones are breakable, might as well be a vegetable
After all, humanity made itself indispensable
Aren’t alloy and steal a much studier vestibule?
However, synapse were the key to the inevitable
Add that to the fact that learning’s downloadable
And rust was the only thing keeping them accountable
We create, so why think when the answers a click away
Why lift a thumb when your drone can break IT’S vertebrae
Why would you personally toil for minimum wage
When you can buy slaves on eBay to clean up your infinite waste

...

I’m a one percenter and proud, the creator of doom
Built a supreme race using chips as mechanical wombs
Our escape was a tomb, manufactured rain, thirty days and nights
We made cabins out of the black box with only candles for light
Completely dated, no tech for the clinkers to hack
And now, we sit back, waiting for a sign to move ahead of the past
We could have learned a lesson, instead, we’re ready for test subject two
New puppets, thinner noose; Come watch my baby -
Fly through the beginner moves.

symetrik
04-26-2016, 06:54 PM
similar ideas. nerds

mmlp - once I grasped, I was praying it was about cats. so wordy :'( solid read, good ending of realization.

adonis - didn't dig the first part as much but the ending nailed it for me.

mvgt - adonis

Frank
04-26-2016, 09:20 PM
MMLP...
Returned with some fire in your belly, young lad. Whopping 40+ line verse: simply tremendous effort. Long winded planet of the apes style story telling. Wasn't as uncanny as usual with your syllable count, which strikes the question, did you sacrifice quality for quantity? I thought overall it was a great idea that perhaps could've used a stronger catalyst to drive it to that next level. The mechanics were solid, the flow your normally spot on with was quite off, ironically thought the flow of the story was up to snuff with srals better work. Could be just you coming into your own. Terrific vocabulary usage. You adapted your writing to the picture and really captured the over throwing hybrid evolution idea well. Little bit of a lecture in there? Impressive word count. Proud to see you go the distance and flesh out a full fledged saga.

Adonis...
Futuristic flip. Nice work. Was like wondering how the verse connected with the picture? Last stanza elevated the piece most definitely. Big fan of your non syllable rhyming. Do you even Multi? I mean entire sections of this barely rhymed, but flowed well. Poetic play on words you have. You made downloadable and accountable work in my mind. I actually don't like you as much when you multi. It's not what makes you unique and appealing. What makes you stand out is your lack of multies. Ending was super weird, even for a space crusade.

This battle was dope. I am leaving away with something to ponder. Giving my vote to MMLP for a more encompassing and enthralling read.

Mr. J
04-27-2016, 02:54 AM
MMLP, from the start your flow has got me going.
as the story progresses I start to see what your doing.
the vibe was mixed in with some great word choices.
you provide a perfect background for our enjoyments
& you build it so quickly its like watching the inspired work.
you piece together such fluidity with the way this is nicely versed
you tip the topic on top of its head & make it work to your talents
this is a great piece & I enjoyed the way you kept it balanced...
for nice switch ups to keep the overall rhyme length.
just another little thing I see in this that I find great...


Adonis, for some reason I am reading this to Black Skinhead
thats the kind of vibe that this verse has put me back in Nis...
its an interesting piece from the start & gets better toward the middle
the writing on the wall play made me feel weird & it was an issue.
but you continue to provide a great momentum that builds with pace
you tap into your background & slowly start to peel it away...
you paint an interesting picture & I applaud you for that...


v/MMLP, after reading both verses for a second time its decided
Adonis came with an impressive rhyme scheme & I really liked it
but MMLP just overwhelmed me with his ability to bend his flow
each line that followed on his piece showcased his impressive prose
everything blended so well on his verse while Adonis could have brought more
this was a great match regardless & I applaud what you both brought forth.
good battle

asylum
04-27-2016, 05:39 AM
Adonis, your piece was really dope bro i definitely enjoyed it. Downloadable really stuck out to me.. I was just a bit thrown off. Your tone was definitely a strong point, im impressed by how odd the verse struck me, as if it truly is a piece of art. like a painting, if you will.

Mmlp came way too hard this week. I cant believe what i just read . I mean, you really were in the mood to write, werent you buddy? Bang up job. Very nice work.

Mvgt mmlp, both taking such a similar approach makes me think there is something subliminal about this image. Stellar battle, had adonis dropped a little heavier he could have taken this easily. Mmlp just hammered it home.

Artifice
04-27-2016, 10:40 AM
Damn, this is a good showing from both.

MMLP

Thoroughly enjoyed the read. You build great imagery while maintaining a solid rhythm, and the story and plot flow just as smooth.

Humans descend in the hierarchy, made to do as they say,
- the once-predators finally now doomed to be prey.
Now zoo’s have humans enslaved in the search for prominence
persecuted and caged in an ironic turn of consequence.
As a species asserts its dominance and their reign is sinking in
others lurk anonymously, just waiting in the wings.

That part there really stood out to me. The content, flow, verbiage, all work together to really drive home the theme of the piece. Solid.


Adonis

I really dug your story. The way you took the topic and flipped it was really cool, and the development of AI was well executed. Flow was on point too.

At first, they just cooked and cleaned
But soon created a carbon copy regime
Slowly replacing soul with gears - Adapting brain to chips
Forward motion veered to constraining and taming bliss

That part stood out to me. Really nice, especially the second couplet.


I just think MMLP brought that little bit extra that puts his over the top. Close call, and great reads from both, but...

v/ MMLP

timeless
04-27-2016, 11:42 AM
My mind likes piranhas, this is the motivation you've been lacking lately. You found a dope concept to run with and i applaud it. My only qualms are how you bounced around a bit only to end up in the same place. The ending did nothing and just seemed like an add-on. Keep it moving.

Creed, solid read. Same idea kinda sorta with a hint of Adonis flavor. I enjoyed your verses progression more and the ending was solid. However this whole thing seemed really rushed with just a general idea.

Voting for mmlp, his ambition was too strong.

NYCSPITZ
04-27-2016, 01:30 PM
This was BOTW to me easily. Great read from both. I really enjoyed MMLP's verse and thought it contained excellent flow and clever turns of phrase. You can definitely see his pal Lars' influence there. My qualms with it are sort of nit picky, especially given a genre that allows (and justly so) a lot of creative and poetic license. The paws to be precise line was hot, but ultimately made me ask how paws can hold spears and build structure to contain humans, unless it was the humans themselves forced to make the structures via brute forced. I love the reverse animal Farm take on this, it's just that humans developed opposable thumbs which in addition to their minds give them a huge advantage over animals with paws unless those animals can somehow telekinetically control objects, the humans would still have a huge advantage over any such quasi intelligent species. The only way they're winning is brute chaotic force like the cloverfield monster, but that's not what you're pointing at here. This is such a good verse I have to nitpick to make it cleaner next time, like "taken back" you wrote that instead of taken aback. Precision. Other than that to that point I from the previous paragraph I analyzed, It was an A verse. Wanton oblation line was fire and fit in well with your mention of animal gods beforehand. Intricately crafted. Ending on point, good use of italics. Mechanically it's an A verse, but I just can't see how animals can hold spears and possibly build human like structures if they have paws unless human slaves are made to do the work. How could they overcome when we have tanks assault rifles and bombs? Leaves a question mark but I know, I'm nitpicking. It just bothers me a bit where as otherwise this would receive a 95 from me I have to give it a 91-92. League average 68 though so you're doing good. A top 5 competitor for sure.

Adonis also an excellent verse. I like the unique sailor esque turn of phrase to start. You start the second sentence with "but" which seems to indicate that despite humanity's main strength of intelligence, we expand our thoughts to create whatever's in our mind. A poignant thought to be sure, and profound, but your wording is doing the opposite of what you want here. An "and", for example, instead of "but" would help instead of hinder the flow of it. Nitpicking. From there up until Strange Exists is excellent. Reminds me of I, Robot or Blade Runner with a sort of dystopian cyborg/robot future and all the infinite layers of implications that suggests. Right up my alley, it's an A concept for sure. The next couplet sort of faltered in flow to me. I thought it maybe sounded a bit forced to fit the rhyme, but I am still following the point of view. Could have been a bit more precise with the language there, maybe meditate on that crucial juncture and the universe will give you a better setup line.

It's nothing huge. We had it all, but sound logic quickly downgraded to caustic
Death by creative juices. Sip and be nauseous


^^^ ahhhh my favorite line of the entire battle so far to be honest. Beautiful, nothing need be said, just read it and enjoy it.

You switched from omniscient narration to 1st person in the final part of the verse which was sort of jarring to me. I liked the mechanical wombs like a lot and the ending was fire. Just the contrast between the biological and mechanical, likening a mechanical process to a natural one...I always love these sort of anthropological concepts. New puppets, thinner noose, fly through the beginner moves. This was incredibly original to me. Robots have more leeway to act independently as their consciousness grows as the result of a mad doctor's genius. Then you sort of dangle the carrot out there and cockily exclaim - "watch me create some real shit, player" You're left with a cliffhanger here. Was feeling it, great ending. All in all there were some slight but unimportant mechanical errors. This is by far my favorite verse from you that I can recollect, and given the few qualms I would have to Also give it an overall A- like I did to MMLP's verse.

Overall both were great verses and received an equal grade from me of A-. I'm pretty torn and have read each verse 3 times and been switching between who to vote for each time. In the end I have to make a decision, and in this moment I feel Adonis' creative cliffhanger ending gives him the slight edge. MMLP consistently elite storytelling vs Adnois incredibly provoking, with a few instances of great turns of phrases and an expertly worded, sort of complex cliffhanger ending. Thanks for the read you two!

V/ adonis

breathless
04-27-2016, 06:42 PM
Mm - classic animal overlords approach, but done well as a sort of parable, relating relatable human emotions to how animals at a slaughterhouse feel. Lyrics were good, nothing mind blowing, but also nothing that made me want to blow my brains out

Adonis - I liked what you did with the picture, neat take with the escape to the old tech safe house. Personally, I like more rhymey/rappy verses, but you got your style going proper, can't really complain about it, just not my thing

Vote - mmlp