Week 9: (5-3) Asylum vs. (2-0) NYCSPITZ (NYCSPITZ WINS SHUTOUT 6-0)

[Adonis]

http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png

Season 6

Verses are due Monday 5/2 11:59 PST

Voting ends Wednesday 5/4 11:59 PST

Verses May Not Exceed 48 Lines

Voting on four battles is required. If you win and don't vote the requirement you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote the requirement, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your four votes in the voting thread.






Topic: It's a wonderful feeling to be a bridge to the past and to unite generations.





G/Luck asylum NYCSPITZ

[asylum]

It was my secret little place, my favorite away from home,
I usually sit and hang my legs off the edge of the railings and cast away alone.
The bobber would catch on the moss I mostly caught along with little fish,
so it was hard to see it dip below the surface when I’d snagged our dinner’s dish,
but gramps taught me to watch the end of the pole, so slightly dipping when they bit.
We’d sip on fresh made lemonade in an ice chest we brought with,
He used to bring me to the ballgames and we’d go crazy for the home runs,
But not as insane as the first time we caught a catfish, just the sight of it made me throw up!
I miss my grandfather so much when I look at his legacy, I feel I don’t deserve to lose him,
yet sitting by his side feeding him, misleading when convincing I’m his father to soothe him,
leaves bruises inside of my heart that I know will never heal.
It’s just a part of life. More pain I’ll need to conceal.
So every night I head to our bridge and clean up the trash, knowing he’d be proud of his kid,
hoping someday in the future, I’ll be fishing in heaven with him.
The Georgia summers get warm, we’d take dips in the pond,
skip rocks across the surface disturbing our image and frogs.
Before school one morning, I met Lola on the bank.
Just fishing on the lake, waiting for the fog to eventually break,
She was an image of a goddess and the oddest sense of love enveloped me,
as we gaze into each others eyes, realizing this was our destiny;

[NYCSPITZ]

.


The indiscernible dirt road leads to Tempora lake
with off-shoots winding snake-like in a vegetable state
one of these paths led to a bridge in the center of a swamp
arching over the mud and crickets December was upon...
It was a temperate Georgian winter - fifty two in the 'eve
P.K. and Lola lake-bound, intent on doing the deed...
They were lost, but found the swampy bridge inviting and quaint
arching for no reason at all, red with the brightest of paint
High school seniors nearly ready to say goodbye in the Fall
Lola's necklace jingled as they sprightly stepped in the breeze
They stepped through the light earth young, deft and with ease
Stopping mid bridge, P.K. smiling caressing her beads...
they were jolted by a blinding light and a deafening wheeze
To their amazement - a white portal whirled to the the left in the dew
Eyes wide, it seemed to throb gently and beckon the two
Walking through at the bridge's end the swamp transformed
They were blinded, blinked hard and heard a strong ass horn
It was a city block now, turning back they were barred by the side -
of a futuristic skyscraper, and flying cars in the night of the sky
Neon lights blinked, their clothes changed to leathery robes
Wondering what the fuck happened - but it was better to know
All the signs were Chinese, they felt like beleaguered amateurs
Til they paused, and found out they could read the characters!
Walking down the city block past laughter and men in their ties
A digital clock hovered 50 stories above: Georgia, Twenty-seventy-five
They stopped at a noodle shop and sat, trying to fathom their roles
when an old man appeared without speaking and passed them their bowls
"you seem famished! Welcome to the Bridge noodle cafe -
This used to be swamp land and wildlife back in past days
You'd better walk home very fast - start hurrying home!
We Chinamen have been very xenophobic...
Since we became the world power several decades ago!
With that the color fled from their faces, feeling really absurd
P.K. and Lola spun around together, hearing that familiar blur
The portal had opened again but looked weak and transparent in style
Running out; the Chinaman sighed and wearily smiled
Vowing to never tell the story, yet to remember the facts
They walked through the bridge's portal: Georgia welcomed them back.







-

[Artifice]

Cool battle here, two very different takes on the topic.

Asylum

I dug the first 3/4 of the verse, it felt very personal and genuine to me. My problem is the pacing, it felt like it didn't really develop the topic. It felt like you were starting to build up, and then it just ended abruptly. I kinda see where you were going with it, but the ending didn't really work for me.


NYC

Another cool read from you. This doesn't feel quite as tight as the piece you dropped last week, but it's a solid piece nonetheless. Thought you flipped the topic in a cool way and pulled it off nicely. Also thought the racial juxtaposition was rather poignant. Enjoyed it.

I got NYC taking this one with a better overall development of the subject of his piece. Cool from both, but NYC takes it.

v/ NYCSPITZ

[Inno]

Asylum

Man what a dope intro you had. I was digging the slow pace and almost lazy flow you had going. Your imagery was on point with your story. I pictured the fishing pole and you and your gramps out om the lack. That was dope. very emotionally charged words backed with so mich depth and conviction. Dope shit. Though towards the middle you got s bit lost in those emotions and your diction and flow started to get jumbled. Didnt take away from the intro but overall it hurt the ending a bit.

Nyc

Very descriptive writing. From start to finish your words created onpoint imagery that lended to your story. You took the topic and made it your own. Little things like the lake references stuff like that just added on to the overal dope feel this verse had. Some times you went a little to out there but you always managed to bring it back and keep going in a precise and calculated manor.


Overall

Asylum stumbled towards the end while nyc kept it consistent from his first line to his last. Honestly was feeling asylums story a bit more. If he would of kept his focus this would of turned out differently imo. Still a dope battle

Nyc

[Adonis]

Pat - you had a nice concept but took the wrong angle. I do this often I think. I don't want to write the same verse, so I think a little to outside the box. If you went with the "meet" instead of connection with grandfather the verse would have panned out better, the catch 22 is, that's cliché. In any case, decent verse for what it is. Needed to be a little longer to fully connect the reader to verse. Just read the topic, I see what you did and bravo.

NYC - "stepped" in back to back sentences. a bit sci-fi no? I imagined this portal to look like the ball at the end of "the day the earth stood still". Some decent imagery, not much in way of conversation to truly give context. You also touched on bridge, where as asylum went full blown with it.

This is a tough vote, both writers had eerily similar concepts, only one was sci-fi with a glowing orb and the other was memory based. Asylum barely touched on his girl where NYC fully submerged in his cafe.

Close bout. NYC had the better detail though

So v/NYC

[Adverse]

Asylum:
I liked the emotion in your verse, and the personal aspect to it, but I thought it was missing a lot of details that would have made it a better story. I related to the story though and was put in the boy's position, just felt like it would have been a much better product had you extended the description a little more in it. Cool read nonetheless.

NYC:
First thing i've actually read from you I believe, it was a very cool piece and I liked the little descriptive parts, parts you didn't necessarily need to tell your story but it picked up where Asylum's verse lacked. I thought you told a better overall story as well man, it was nice.

V/NYC just a better told story, more description and just nice all the way through. Keep writing gentlemen.

[Mr. J]

Asylum, I really enjoyed the whole vibe that you brought forth
a couple slip ups at first but you eventually got the piece on course
I felt the abrupt ending could have been worked in slightly better
your approach is cool but it needed a proper ending thats nicely centered.
yours just didnt feel like it had the proper feel for the emotional beginning.
although I do know time was an issue & this was cool for a quick penning
after the 4th line up until the 10th you had me vibing bruh.
I would have preferred a different end but you know how to light it up...


NYC, your descriptive style is as detailed as usual.
I enjoyed the build up from the beginning & the view used.
you bring your characters to life & give them a world.
the ending was cool, the flow was sick up until blur...
I finished the time machine recently so this was a cool read
the quick flashes through time is the amazing beauty
pretty dope....no complaints....


v/NYC, I think his verse left me wanting to read more.
the flow & the plot worked well together, word to Seymour.
asylum by the skin of your lip you could have had this.
but not focusing on that ending of yours is unnecessary madness.
the verse could use some trimming up but whatevs.
NYC had an all around game that worked when they bumped heads.
nice battle fellas

[Aero]

Asylum:

The bobber would catch on the moss I mostly caught along with little fish,
so it was hard to see it dip below the surface when I’d snagged our dinner’s dish,

ima be 100% honest. After I read this part I realized why I don't do topicals. This nigga used the words BOBBER, MOSS, and LITTLE FISH. I can't continue fam I'm just not into this

NYC:

I started to read yours and it had a livelier delivery I still can't vibe with the content. You niggas are literally writing stories with rhymes in your free time.


Much respect I'm out though


Vote/ NYC