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View Full Version : Week 9: (3-3) Breathless vs. (6-2) Frank (BREATHLESS WINS 5-1)


Adonis
04-27-2016, 09:41 PM
http://i.imgur.com/uAJesXX.png

Season 6

Verses are due Monday 5/2 11:59 PST

Voting ends Wednesday 5/4 11:59 PST

Verses May Not Exceed 48 Lines

Voting on four battles is required. If you win and don't vote the requirement you will receive a loss instead. If you lose and don't vote the requirement, you will receive a one-week suspension. Please post links to your four votes in the voting thread.






Topic: The only thing I hate - and I know you have to be realistic and pay the bills in this life - is the loneliness on the road.





G/Luck Frank breathless

breathless
05-02-2016, 11:08 PM
See you on the other side.


I smoke too much, I drink too much,
I don't eat, or sleep enough,
but I don't care because I'm high.
No, I don't care nor wonder why…

Thirty one years old, truth be told,
I've been livin in this role since my youth was over.
Now I've grew up, I'm older, but I'm losin the hold
on reality I had when I lived lucid, sober.
I've been bruised, and broken, abused and outspoken.
So quiet at times when I choose to not close off
the muse who don't know that my poet's mind views em,
'cause if they do find out my focus, then it ruins the moment.

Who could've known what the future shows? We only see the surface,
our feet won't find purchase 'til the storyline breaks it.
So revealing what's deeper, what's been burrowing furthest,
straight to the bone marrow of this formalization,
is the form a line and wait your turn type of thinking that I'm tired of.
More on why later but it's time to reach what's higher up.
Climb the tree of life and fuck the ladder to success.
Nothing matters in the end, so why try to be society's best?

The time is nigh, ride or die, even after you're dead.
Shatter the precedent that we're set in our ways.
Sure, we've seen some better days, just remember the memories,
at least until they fade. It'll never be the same.
Patterns get exaggerated, the past is as you make it.
Shatter the devaluation and graduate from life.
Find a way of living you don't hate and stay the course.
You ain't gotta carpe diem once you realize the day was always yours.

I smoke too much, I drink too much,
I don't eat, or sleep enough,
but I don't care because I'm high.
No, I don't care nor wonder why…

Frank
05-04-2016, 02:53 AM
Twisting the nozzle on; it became tighter.
Gas guzzled around in the 200 gallon tanks chamber like gravied salvia
The waiter walked up to me like an anxious admirer, as I sat down in a opened late diner
"What can I get ya?" She said wiping her apron on china, as it became brighter
"Two Eggs Sunny Side Up: Rye Bread"
"We ain't got Rye, sir"
"White Bread" - I said: half awake and tired
My wife turns and tosses, she is cranky and wired
Unable to fall asleep under the moonlights waning cycles fading
I'm up - motorcycles roar by us - insane bikers with helmets with inflamed visors
Making eye contact with the leader of the gang through the windshield rain wipers
The horns blare sends shock wave sirens: resonating reminder
The 18 wheeler burns rubber, shedding its scathing tires
The pavements fire - this route cuts through vast drought that plagues and drains desires
Tumbleweeds and angry vipers slither along the interstate divider
The waitress looks at you blankly and smiles - while his wife sits up in bed, thinking, he's a player, conniver
Your wife plays with her self; embracing her depraved vagina
The 18 wheeler hauls ass into a different state in a race with the timer
The attractive waitress entices the flirtatious driver with tainted cider
Breathalyzer test, deputy running your license plates beside german shepherd K-Niners
The waitress gyrates with a gait flyer than his wifes: a face nicer, a waist wider
Miles of warm isolated breezes, paint dryers
Your wife changes the diapers. You are your family's sacred provider
Long distance relationship - acres and miles away without restraint
Break grinders: the truck swerves out of incoming traffic, like salamanders - evasive sliders
The waitress unlaces with her eyes, as the tractor trailer engine generates hyper
He ate her wilder then his wife; Once in the cabin of the truck she became shyer
Barricaded behind the steering wheel, stay awake driver
Driving 16 hours straight is the only thing I hate - and I realize, I have to be realistic and pay the bills in this laborious life, but
The loneliness of the road; the headlights and red lights
- the engraved lighter flickers in the foggy windows like a trained sniper -
"Breaker One Niner" "Good buddy"
"Roger" "Fill out your log book" "Breaker,breaker,Niner"
"Affirmative"
Pushing the pedal to the metal, he floors it and the gauges climb at a faster rate higher
An evaporating hiker - Helicopter floodlights patiently glide up, as he confronts the girl of her age, she is a dang liar'
The outlaw pulls over - no escaping the blinders
Joy Rider - soliciting sex from a baited minor
Caged up and chained lyfer on a cross country freightliner

Artifice
05-04-2016, 11:29 AM
cool matchup here... two very different styles.

Breathless

This piece is quite different from your other pieces I've read, in that it's much more poetic. You've got some cool structures in there that you don't see used too often, and you executed them well.

Thirty one years old, truth be told,
I've been livin in this role since my youth was over.
Now I've grew up, I'm older, but I'm losin the hold
on reality I had when I lived lucid, sober.

That right there was a great opening to me, it immediately set the tone and cadence for the piece and had me vibing with an instrumental playing in the background. Unconventional, but cool. I enjoyed it. My only real gripe is that I felt it didn't strongly connect to the topic.


Frank

This was an enjoyable read. You really know how to describe moments in your stories to help the reader visualize what's happening. Also, your ability to rhyme in such a casual and natural pattern of speech allows you to pull off holding the same syllable better than many. There were still a few lines that felt like the word choices were forced by carrying the scheme, but when you carry it for a whole verse it's hard to avoid. Overall I really enjoyed this piece as well.


Alright, I've changed my mind twice, so I'm back to who I was originally voting for, Frank. This one's pretty much a toss-up to me though, I can see it going either way. Really hard to decide because of the style difference, their both really cool in their own rights. But...

v/ Frank

Inno
05-04-2016, 04:45 PM
Breathless

I dig the flow in this alot. Great opening stanza it really set the mood and cadence to the verse very well. I usually dont focus on rhyming patterns and rhythm to much in topicals because its an up and down game and never sure. Uou could have alot of rhymes and the verse makes no sense abd is boring. On the other hand you could have a long winded verse with omly end rhymes and its an amazing story. Here though both went hand in hand. That stop and go feel you had just read so lovely so smooth, making the story that much easier to read and therefore more enjoyable. Dope verse.


Frank you brought the usual and didn't disappoint. From start to finish your technique was crisp and on point. Felt like you carried that along well thru the entire verse so i have no complaints there. The story starts off rather well and continues to flow nicely towards the middle and end, most of the time. I feel like you jumped alot in sever places. Very suddenly changing the scene from one thing the next. I felt like you immersed me in one scene just to rip me away to another.


Overall

I got breathless here. Seems like he has alot less content to offer but to me his verse was spot on and kept my interest at a peak through out his verse. I went in and out with franks and felt like it could been a tad better. Dope battle though

Breathless

Razah
05-04-2016, 09:47 PM
Breathless, the flow on this was probably the best part to me. It read very smoothly, although I wasn't a fan of aligning everything to the left. Still, a very enjoyable read. I got a spoken word / poetic vibe, and I haven't gotten that kind of vibe with a verse that flowed well in a good minute. Appreciate the read.

Frank, probably read like a handful of your verses. Sometimes I wonder what your writing process is like.. I enjoy the technicality of it, but I don't always enjoy the story told and words you chose. Evaporated hiker? Yeah.. Rhyming was cool as always, just wasn't too big on the story this time around.

vbreathless

NYCSPITZ
05-05-2016, 01:31 AM
Frank I thought it was cool but some shit is just redundant like "waning cycles fading"...you already said it's a waning cycle, so why would you need to say it's fading...when waning already means the moon is fading? "yo hold up my running legs are jogging" You see that? Overall it's an enticing verse but some things you say just don't make sense, like if the wife is faithful and touching herself thinking her husband is also faithful, isn't that sort of christian and not really geared toward a "depraved vagina"? There were numerous other instances where the verbiage was overwrought and weighed the verse down, but I gotta give creative points. Also all of your endings are sort of abrupt twists, maybe you should switch it up and try gradually leading to an ending and the twist at the end is more subtle, like a thought the main character or secondary character has instead of always being a narrative twist.

breathless was a cool verse, sort of depressing when you think of it but I felt what it contained was to the point. It's sort of nihilistic and even pessimistic in tonality but I think it connects strongly to the topic provided. I would have been interested in seeing what you could have done writing about somebody who seems to have it all, friends family etc and still feels lonely as that would require perhaps more nuance and subtlety. Nice verse nonetheless.

V/ breathless

Mr. J
05-05-2016, 01:56 AM
breathless, I thought this was a pretty dope verse brah.
kind of Kid Cudi ish how you use some of your words huh?
at least thats what I kind of felt while reading this beau
I can almost feel the anxiety exhuming from this too...
the flow was different but the whole thing rode out nicely.
a few lines can be shortened or cut but you hold it down...
I like these wrap around rhymes you do, nice work...

Frank, All Night diner....stay up just sounds like a goof
the headline for that place would say 3 viagra per soup.
otherwise you continue to impress with your scheme of choice
you kind of hoard each word & use them to seal the void.
but see dawg you going to stumble due to that OCD urge.
either way between each line is something nice once closely observed
you have cut down on content in these recent weeks...
must be getting your water legs back, this piece has a decent theme.

v/This is kind of tough due to the difference in styles
breathless came soft at first & in the next instant was wild...
I enjoyed it, it wasnt watered down by the editing...
it showcased its natural structure & how the setting is.
a trip down the subconscious that bothers us oh so much.
a wonderful tale came from Frank (hey pal...no show much?)
either way I thought aside from a few hiccups Frank delivered
a few rookie mistakes but you are far beyond a ranked beginner
the long distance relationship & the shout out to the hobbits hurt you
Im going to have to lean towards breathless piece, praise Steve Urkel

Witty
05-05-2016, 09:53 AM
Breathless - I enjoyed this very much, it had a very relaxed tone to it, and there's an interesting contrast between feeling fed up one moment, and motivated and optimistic the next. Knowing that life is unfair, and it sucks...but still knowing the importance of pressing on and make of it what you can. I thought you wrote to the topic very well. Rhymes were simple but effective, good job.

Frank - this was cool, pretty much the patented Frank style, tried and tested. You tell stories very well and I've always felt you are one of the best at using dialogue in a piece, which is difficult because it can come off as forced and corny, but you do it well. While this piece had a solid storyline, it didn't do much for me, it didn't draw me in or evoke emotion. I wish you'd be more inventive with your rhyming. This was cool as always, just lacking that spark to draw me in.

Vote - Breathless